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Atsbaby Offline OP
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Worst day thus far!

In order for me to receive child support and alimony, I had to agree to the divorce and that it was irretrievably broken.

God give me strength! I'm letting go....


Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
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Sorry Ats,
My state is bad that way as well. It's almost like they WANT people to get D! No way to separate, you're either M or not, only a 60 day cooling off period, if your S leaves you still have a legal obligation when it comes to their debts and such just as if they were still there. I see all these other states with so many rules and things in place that seem to give both parties a chance to stop and rethink but in my state they make it seem like ending a 20 year M is nothing.

I can understand the alimony (my state doesn't even allow it! The other person has to be "unable" to work at ANY job!) but the child support thing to me seems like he should HAVE to take care of his kids whether M or not! What about where a child is born out of wedlock? Do they say they don't have to pay support then? I'm finding out just how little today's society cares about M!

Hang in there Ats. You will get through this. In the end you have to do what is best for you and the kids and leave the MLCer to figure out their own chit. It's sad but little that can be done.

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Thank you Matt.

I agree that these state laws are making it too easy to divorce. My L said its because of the physical violent abuse victims, which I get, but why can't the rest of us be given the opportunity to slow down to wait on our spouses?

The child support thing is more for keeping the kids in my house since he is MIA on sleeping arrangements. I don't want the kids at ow and I KNOW he is not at his buddies house.

We'll see how tonight goes.


Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
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Thinking of you, Ats. Stay strong.

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I was too mad last night to type my sitch and sadly I'm too tired tonight, but I'm so confused regarding his actions tonight.

As far as I know, he still doesn't know I went to a L today. Not going to mention it!

So tonight I apologized to Clark for my behavior...huge 180 for me. I said, "I want to apologize last night for my behavior. I should not have attacked you like I did. My emotions were out of control." I didn't blame him for lying to me, or any other of the hundreds of stupid things he's said or done in the past few months. I accepted responsibility smile

So he said nothing and just went stiff with a look of anger (mind reading, but I'm thinking he wasn't expecting that apology). Whatever, I got it off my chest and let it go. I then left the room for some me time and switched gears.

Clark and I have been working on building a new deck to our home since we moved in 4 years ago. There is so much wood and waste in the back yard that needs removing. Scary, Clark is doing this now! So he is placing it into the bagster and I decided to mow the lawn.

I kept noticing Clark watching me at times, and he asked for some help at times, which he could have done without me. I thanked him for picking up the yard (got about 3/4 done). We went in and he took a shower, while I took the dog for a walk. Returned home and I jumped in the shower. As always, Clark found a reason to be in the bedroom.

When s jumped in the shower, we resumed our convo from last night regarding the weekend splitting of the kids. He is actually going to stay at his moms Sunday and Monday nights, with the kids! I'm a little shocked, but I'll take it. I actually get to be kid free for a couple days!

S got out of the shower and him and I began watching a movie on TV. During a commercial break, Clark asked to speak to me. "What now" is going through my head.

"Last night you looked like you could use a hug. I can give you one of those whenever you need it. I'm a compassionate guy. Do you want me to give you a hug?"

WHAT the HE!!?

I'm trying really hard not to read into this. I did hug him, only because I really felt it was more of him needing the hug-and it was tight.
My emotions are all over right now. Thoughts?

Last edited by Atsbaby; 08/30/14 04:29 AM.

Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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Well, hmmm...

I am super impressed with you owning your stuff and apologizing despite all the stuff he has put you through and things he has said. Other people's actions and behaviors shouldn't prevent us from being the people we are deep inside. Way to go! That's HUGE!

Also, I tend to think that a hug is a hug is a hug. Take it at face value. You two just worked hard in the yard and did it as a team. A hug is a nice thing and he's trying to show you that he has compassion. I guess. It's a nice gesture. Take it for what it is.

Breathe. Let your emotions come but not control you. You have faced A LOT lately. Take care of your heart.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Thank you Ss. Like I said, I didn't want to read into it and with my emotions, that's what I would have done.

My parents are still together and trying to talk to them about this major change is driving me crazy!

I know they are trying to keep me in reality and don't want to see me in pain, but d@mn, do you have to crush a girls hope!

All I said was that maybe Clark would see the financial burden and decide not to follow through. My mom starts on with "don't start thinking that way...." It's a hope mom! I know deep down what is going to happen. Let me have HOPE that I'm wrong and Clark snaps back to the real world!!


Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
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Ats,

My parents got married at 19 and were together until my dad's death lady year. My stbxh's parents have been together 46 yrs. Its like speaking a foreign language to people who have never been faced with or been involved in D. Maid oui! I do think some views of marriage are an evolution of culture and generational. I never recall my parents saying "x didn't make them happy" or "if they just x they would be happy." That stuff is our *new* culture perpetuated by the media and the belief that if x, THEN you will be happy. Whatever *happy* is for the moment, of course.

I know this is difficult, however do you really want your h to *stay* simply due to financial repercussions. Doesn't sound like a legit reason to not get divorced. Actually I take that back. It's a legit reason not to get divorced but not the * real* reason one recommits to the r.

I would suggest you shift focus on what Clark is doing or may do. Protect yourself first and foremost financially. Your h is a big boy. He had to figure out his own stuff.

Sending you a cheer of college FB Saturday:-)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/30/14 02:43 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Ats,

Sorry to read that things are so confusing for you right now.
Clark sure seems to be on the GUBU plan of blowing hot and cold.

You know, "Give 'em a little glimpse of the man you married, just enough to allow a glimmer of hope to grow, just a bit of light, then--BAM!
Send 'em spinning by reverting back into the bizarre pod people we are working to "accept"."

And I think you're right. They get angry when we don't do what they think we will.

They haven't learned to "have no expectations". In fact, their whole modus operandi is based on "EXPECTATIONS"!

They EXPECT that their life is going to be rosy once they get rid of us, they expect us to act in ways that will support their choices to make it easier for them.
So yeah, they get ticked off when that doesn't go according to plan.


Still--a hug?

I can't even imagine GUBU making sustained eye contact, much less asking for a hug!

On the other hand, touching him when he's in GUBU mode is pretty distasteful, so no loss there.

When my H makes an appearance, he can hug me anytime!

Chin up.

Atta girl, Atsbaby!

--GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Thanks GB. I want more "time" which is why I want Clark to stay, not really just because it works financially. I think initially, I'm going to be better off financially than he will. I know our m can be saved, even though he thinks it cannot, but I guess as long as ow is involved, I have to let him go.

GGG, that's the crazy thing, I did NOT really want a hug. It did feel like old Clark. I'm guessing guilt is in there with his suggestion. He seems so clear right now and I know he hasn't gone through the tunnels. I have a strong feeling he won't. He will remain broken and I don't want broken Clark.

So yesterday I GALed and 180ed my bottom off grin

D came home from a sleepover and began throwing up...nice way to wake up! She was running a low grade fever. After I gave her meds and some cereal she began to feel better and agreed that we could still go to my brothers.

I told my brother a few weeks ago that I wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle. He has small dirt bikes and said let's start with that.

So I did yesterday! It was a blast. Those little things have got some speed though...and I found out the hard way crazy I came around the corner and my hand was stuck on the throttle, the hand grip was sticky from the heat, so when I tried to pull the break, I sped up the bike. I went down hard! Glad we were in the grass!! Even though I'm bruised and stiff now, I don't regret trying. The old me would never have done this.


Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
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