Wifes severe depression, MLC, and suicide attempt

[Lifes Twists]

Hi AJ,

For me the hardest part is letting go of the worry. Having spent 19 plus years living with a depressed spouse and a level of constant worry and taking care of her during those down periods is hard to just stop. I know my daughters see it from there comments. They are just now starting to understand some of their mothers problems. They can't understand all right now, so have trouble sometimes understanding what I have gone through. I will continue to look forward and move in that direction. I know it will have to be my wife's decision to move forward and catch up if she chooses.

[AJM]

I get it LT. I'm sorry for the rough road ahead, but glad you have a great perspective.

AJ

[Lifes Twists]

So I had my first interaction with my wife since her suicide attempt in April last evening. My two younger daughter where supposed to go down for the weekend after my middle on got out of work. They ended up getting into a fight, younger one went to her room and refused to go with middle daughter who ended up leaving and going to wife's place alone. I text wife to let her know they were fighting. That was at about 7:40 pm. I get call from middle daughter about 8:30pm to say she and wife were trying to call youngest who would not answer. I sent wife text that she is welcome to come over to talk to youngest. She responds right back that she will be over shortly. Mind you she lives 1 mile down the road. She knocks on door around 9Pm. She has clearly taken the time to get a bit dressed up and done her makeup. I invite her in and send her up to see daughter while I am doing the dishes. She comes out and visits with the dog. We start to talk and I ask her if she has noticed the floors in the downstairs. I also tell her I have finished the pantry and would she like to see it. I can tell she is blown away by the floors and the pantry by the questions and comments she makes. We spent a few minutes talking about the girls. I tell her some of the stuff that went on over the summer and how I have empathy and understanding for her when she tried to do it alone last summer. I kept the conversation strictly to the kids and the house work. I did not comment on her appearance or even ask how she was doing. I felt that she would even view that as prying. I consider what happened to be an extremely small positive step and I am trying hard not to read anything into it. I don't know what to think of the fact that she clearly had dressed up a bit and touched up her makeup. Normally after work she gets into something comfortable. I am pleasantly surprised how it went and won't expect anything more. I did tell her when she was leaving that she is more than welcome to come over anytime to talk to the girls if she wants. I hope I handle this correctly.

[Lifes Twists]

I hope I did not do the wrong thing this morning. Very hard to figure with what MLCers do.

Early this morning I am woken up by the dog barking. I then hear a knocking on the front door. I go down and its my youngest standing there trying to get in. She was at her mothers. I ask what is going on and she says that she is home for the day and would go back this evening. I asked how she got here and she said she walked. I asked where her mother is and she said sleeping. She then goes up to her room and closes the door.

I tried calling my wife and then text her to see what is going on. She call right back and said that daughter did not walk home that she dropped her off. Wife said she was going to be away all day and daughter did not want to stay there. I said to wife, "you going on a date." She came right back and said no, she had a part time job for more money. Said since there is no alimony and no money from the house she needed more. I asked why daughter could not just say that. She said did not know that we were confusing the girls. Said we would have to talk about it.

What is confusing is why the MLCer can't just share information like taking a second job to make ends meet. Why they seem to convince the kids to also not share basic information like this.

I am not sure if I pried too much when I said going on a date to her. Whether this will set things back or maybe open up some level of communication. I don't know if I should suggest we need to develop better level of communication so the girls are not caught in the middle like this. How do you reason with a MLCer?

[Georgiabelle]

LT,

I don't think you asked too much, although I wouldn't ask anything about dating . A good rule of thumb is that many people in MLC cannot be alone. However, logic and MLC are things I've found that go together like explosives and fire:-).

The vets know much more although I think they don't disclose basic info as they don't want you to know what happens in their life -like teens frequently do to parents. Since you and their previous life are the *problem,* they don't want to reveal too much. You are the exact person they don't want feedback or insight from.

Hang in there. You asked. She told and I would let it go. Just remind your kids they can lasts come to you and that you love them

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks GB,

My biggest problem with what happened is she just dropped daughter off without knowing if I was here and drove away. What if I had decided to go away? I know my daughter would be alright alone in the house, its just the principal of it. I also don't want her to feel the she is abandoned by everyone. My wife says she does not know why the girls lie about things like this. I believe someone is giving them the idea they need to keep what their mother is doing a secret from me. If not my wife, then who?

[AJM]

How do you reason with a MLCer?

Really? I think you scream into a pillow and somehow they hear it. Like riding a unicorn

What you seem to be doing is learning to co-parent. Considering three daughters, that may come in handy right?

Each of you is behind the wall and trying to co-parent. Previously you had a familiar way to do that, but now you don't. You need to re-learn how to do that and this is what it looks like, if you ask me.

Your daughter is obviously upset about things in general. While the three daughters may become very close with all of this, it's not likely that all three will handle things the same way.

Teen years are difficult enough without a suicidal mom, a dad who's grieving the loss of the marriage and family and just being a teenager.

As for doing something wrong... You cannot do something wrong when it comes to a MLCr. Except not let go of your expectations of "normal" interactions. You can be open to the interactions if they are pleasant and respectful. If they are not, do not let it continue. Outside of that, nothing can be done "wrong" with a MLCr that I'm aware of.

AJ

[Nitty]

Lifes Twists, when I read your posts I see someone who is doing a great job with his kids. Keeping the house nice, too, that is so important. Taking care of yourself, too.

I read your descriptions of interactions with your W and it is so helpful to see how others handle it so thank you for sharing them.

I am struggling. I want to "change myself" like your signature line. I want to let go of worry and show the world I am not a scared little mouse but a confident person who can face ups and downs with grace. If I mess up today I will try again tomorrow. I will keep getting up. That's what you are doing. I will be like this, too.

[Lifes Twists]

So I just found out my wife took a second job working on Sundays. She lost control of her finances last year into this year before the attempt. She is apparently working in a hotel on Sundays. I suspect she may be cleaning rooms and such. She told me this morning when I partially found out that there was no alimony or money from the house. I feel bad for her. I do not see this as a bad thing. Maybe it will also be part of the wake up to all the damage she has caused. She is having to fix the damage to her credit while loosing a day with her daughters. I am hoping it will change the dynamics a bit. Maybe she will start to see that the grass is not greener on the other side. I am concerned about the anger my youngest is showing right now. Not sure yet how I am going to handle it.

[Georgiabelle]

LT,

I'm sorry I haven't read your entire sitch. Could your D talk to a therapist? Perhaps even a school counselor or some type of clergy?