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Joined: Apr 2014
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Hi TL!
Glad to hear about your "Chance"! You deserve someone caring and understanding in your life. My parents are going on 55 years married and I feel so odd for my family now as no one gets D. When I see my W now I still see the old her. It's only when she doesn't get exactly what she wants that the new, selfish, awful person comes out and I see that I could never make a life with her that would allow me to be me. I can't see how she will ever find someone of value the way she is now. I see her actually fighting to not stop the path she is on! She seems to think that being "strong" means being selfish and destroying her M! He best friend spoke to me when she was helping pack stuff with my W. Every time my W left the room she would just go on and on about how I'm a great person, my W is crazy for doing what she is, that I need to go out and find someone as I deserve to be happy. She even added that she hates most men but really likes me.

You deserve a good man in your life (you sure don't "need" one but it's nice to have). One who appreciates you for you! Your ex is going to wake up one day and realize just how much he has lost. Maybe this is already starting to happen and is why is has become so hostile? You are an inspiration TL. Keep going and I hope you find the good that you deserve in your life!

P.S. Can't wait for next season of Game of Thrones!!!

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thank you CC and Matt -
I wondered about the recent hostility as well - haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks. I emailed him yesterday regarding the escrow refund check because the bank said they mailed it monday the 4th, then i got a letter from them saying that they are using the ex's mailing address now so that meant the check would go to him and not me. I called the bank and they said they show the address as the same as mine even though I got a letter from them saying otherwise. frustrating. just want this last bit done and over. the ex never responded to my email so I need to just let it go. if he gets it, he can either contact me or keep it, i'm not going to invest my emotions in this any longer. easier said than done, but it was more the principle than the financial aspect. I don't need the money, I mean it's mine, and yes I could always use it obviously but it's not a dire need so would be less drama if I just let him take it. It is obviously bothering me though, why can't I just drop it. Praying on it. Don't want to be sucked back in, especially when i'm the one that contacted him about it which means I opened myself up to it. I was very cordial in my email and asked if he'd like to split it 50/50. On the dating front - my "Chance" has been a dream come true. supportive, encouraging, giving, gracious, communicative, just all the traits I like and it has been a nice change. Hard to get used to when you've adapted to a different style for so many years. It feels good knowing that I don't "need" someone because i've been handling all the things on my own for the last 6 months - more really since the ex was pretty much out of town all the time and then when he was here the last year I was still handling everything. It's weird to have someone want to do things for you - it's a little weird to remember to say "ok" and let them do for you when you're used to being the giver but it's so nice. Trying to enjoy the present and put the past behind me. Just journaling now, rambling on, I can't believe it's August already and before you know it the holidays will be upon us again. I'm actually looking forward to it, never thought i'd say that again, but I'm still making progress in this journey. Finding there is much happiness to be had in spite of everything.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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TL72* Offline OP
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Feeling some initial anger today - the bank contacted me that the escrow refund check was cashed - the ex cashed it with only his signature on it when both our names our on it. I was awarded the house in the divorce and told to refi within one year. I did the refi within a few months and the check was forwarded to his address and he cashed it without even discussing it. That made me angry. I contacted the bank because they told me just a few days ago that the address it was sent to was mine and that no other address was on file but I see a copy of the cleared check and it has his address on it. She called me and told me that it is fraud for him to cash it with only one signature and Capital One (his bank) should never have cleared it. She's sending me paperwork to sign and that allows them to retrieve the funds. I had emailed him Monday and informed him that the check may be forwarded to him and would he like to split it 50/50. He never responded. Technically it's all mine because I took on the house and it's for taxes and insurance, I made the mortgage payments each month and it came from those funds. Part of me - the part that has resentment- says sign the paper and cause him trouble because what he did was wrong. Mostly though, (I'm still thinking on it, this just happened and I can't make a decision like that quickly) I believe that I will just let him keep the money and consider it done and over with.
It's almost 1400.00 and I think he needs it more than I do. I have considered emailing him and letting him know that the bank informed me and that it is fraud but that he can keep it and I wish him the best. I sort of want him to know that I know (which is obvious I suppose that I know) I don't want to have further confrontation, but I also don't want him thinking "haha I pulled one over on her" and just roll over and be submissive ya know? I suppose the most graceful response would be to just let it go, it is what it is, and his opinion of me no longer matters. Me knowing that I did the right thing is enough. For my own mental health I need to just forgive, move forward and just completely let this go. It's easier said than done, I have some fighter in me and part of me really wants to just rub it in that I could have charges brought up. That's just vindictive though and bitter and I don't want to be that woman. Just journaling, helps me to get this out of my mind. I guess I have my answer just by reading this that the right thing to do is just let it go and say nothing. Giving it to God.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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TL, I DO understand why this escrow check cashing situation would fester with you. If you DID sign fraud paperwork, would you have second thoughts about it down the road? Would there even be any chance of recovery from him? Whatever you do will all work out in the end. If you choose to just let it go, you could think of the $1400 as a cheap buyout of his equity in the house. Indirectly, sort of. God will use this experience for good in your life. I'm willing to bet that your ex knows that you know, and if he ever says anything to you, i'd just say something like you intimated already, something like "i let it go since I thought you really needed the money."

I feel for you in this TL. (hug to you)
cc


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Thanks CC - yeah I was thinking along the same lines, a cheap buy out - I told the bank this morning that I was not going to fill out the paperwork, it is easier to just let it go and not deal with him anymore, this would only prolong it and yesterday I just felt "done" with the drama and stress of it. Letting it go.
It is a relief to know that the check delivered and cleared and I can stop wondering about the whole thing. It's closure. Moving forward, not looking back. Thanks for responding, it just helps me to vent this stuff in my head here with people I know understand. Have a great weekend!!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
TL, just checking in on you. Its my hope that you're off enjoying your holiday, perhaps with Chance.
Let us know how you're doing.
cc


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Posts: 342
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TL72* Offline OP
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Hey CC, hope you're doing well.
I had a surprising twist, after the ex cashed the escrow check on his own and I let it go, a couple weeks later he sent me a check for half. No note, but I was just pleased to get half of it and now feel it is over. Things are going well, I feel happy and a large weight was lifted from my shoulders. I think of it less and less and am looking forward to Fall and the holidays now. Feels like a new life and I like it. The relationship with Chance is going well, he does treat me very well and we get along great. Trying to live in the present and enjoy every moment. I'll go over and check your thread and see what you've been up to smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
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M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hey, great to hear from you TL!
I've missed you on the boards. You are always an inspiration and reading your posts have always helped me when things were getting "crazy"! You tell Mr. Chance that he had better be good to you, TL. If he ever messes with you he will have many very angry LBS's over here who care about you ready to knock him down a peg! smile
Keep in touch and let us know how things are going. You may not have "saved" your M but you are definitely a huge success story that gives all of us hope that we will make it through the storm!

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Thanks Matt smile that's such a nice thing to say! Things are going well and I'm happier than I've been for a very long time in retrospect. I still come by here just not as often and I read stories but haven't really commented because I'm sort of biased now and feel like coming here is dwelling in the past. Especially since it's a DB site and I'm divorced now. On the other hand, when I first came here it was so incredibly helpful just knowing I wasn't alone, so I will continue to visit and check in. I remember when the BD happened so well and it felt like I was the only person in the entire universe that this was happening to, I hate to revisit that place, so dark. Now I look back on the last 8 months and see my own journey and how I picked myself up and have learned so much. Still loads to learn, always will be. Anyone have any good book recommendations on communication? I had learned from my IC to use "I feel" statements and not place blame or make "you do this" type of stuff, trying to not repeat past mistakes and the ex and I definitely had terrible communication. I find myself acknowledging my error more when I react badly instead of responding calmly - - and I am trying to self correct, it's a slow thing to change your communication style and I'd like to read more about it


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
TL72* Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
oh one more thing I forgot to mention - there was a Discover card account that I thought was closed years and years ago - turns out it wasn't closed and I went to see my credit karma account and it showed that the card had been reactivated and being used again. I had a panic moment, he charged 3500.00 in less than a month on it. I called them immediately and said remove me from that and the agent told me that luckily I was only an "authorized user" on the account and only HE was accountable for the charges, being the owner of the account. I am no longer an authorized user and it would no longer show up on my credit report as my debt. sheesh - I don't know how that one snuck by me, I would have thought after probably 5 years of not using that account and it was at zero balance that it was closed, we didn't even own the card anymore but he must have remembered it and called them up and got a new one sent out. Not my business anymore but just goes to show you have to be really careful in your splitting of the accounts and they tend to spend like crazy.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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