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Old Dog Offline OP
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Yes, you're right. I just need to find something.

I thought I might try and find somewhere to teach me about cooking because I hate it and I may need to become better at it you know. But I'm a veggie, and I still hate it ;-)

Hate is probably too strong a word but I thought it was funny.

I also only get here Friday evening at 8pm (if my wife still considers it worth picking me up from the train station, 9pm if not) and leave for work again at 4pm on Sunday afternoon.

Not much time to have fun and be with the kids and tidy up the mess that they all leave - maybe I should just leave the mess.

None of this sounds positive does it. I know you're trying to help. I don't want to be Mr Negativity, that's a 180. Woohoo!

Mind you I never thought I was Mr Negativity anyway. At heart I'm a happy person and my glass has a measured 50% of water in it.

Last edited by Old Dog; 08/30/14 09:58 PM.

M: 57 / EW: 52
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Leave the mess, it isn't yours!

Can't you GAL where you work? If you took a weeknight cooking class you could still practice cooking on the weekends.

2x4: quit making excuses and go make your life better. You're worth it.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Donk!

Ouch! That 2x4 was made up of pure procrastinadium.

Yup, gonna do some GAL at my work home. I live with two lovely people who run AA & NA groups. I asked if I could go along to one.

I've also signed up for yoga and I contacted a guitar teacher about improving my axe wielding.


M: 57 / EW: 52
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THAT sounds like some good GALing.

Well done, Old Dog!

The AA and NA groups are interesting actually...My IC thinks that affairs are essentially another addiction. I've been interested in going to a meeting or two, but have been steered away by the AA folks who don't want me unless I have an alcoholic to deal with. (I get it, but I still think it could be valuable!)

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I brought up the finances issue this morning. How this year she had paid very little into our joint account, missing five months including nothing in the past three months.

I said I had always trusted her implicitly but felt like I was beginning to feel like a mug. She has been going off at weekends visiting friends, having girls nights out, took the kids abroad for a long weekend, buying new shoes and clothes. She got very irritated at this and went on the attack, taking issue with my saying I felt like a mug and saying she has had a lot of bills to pay recently and ended up saying OK you’re right then we should document everything as you don’t trust me any more. This took me by surprise.

I said there was no need to document everything, I understood you had bills, I do trust you and maybe my wording was a bit too strong. I said I wanted to bring this out into the open so as not to harbour any resentment as I don’t want to do that. I said we have always paid money into our joint account to pay joint bills such as a lot of these were.

She explained that with me asking if she was thinking about our marriage vows yesterday and her mum getting on at her for being a bad parent to S14 in her eyes, she is feeling got at. She said she is finding it very hard at the moment, thinking about S14’s problem (for which we have a hospital appointment) and how we are to move forward.

I said I didn’t want to tiptoe round the house walking on eggshells and this was an attempt to try and improve communication between us, reduce the tension and get on together. I said I wanted to bring this out into the open rather than harbouring any resentment and told her it was quite a big thing for me to do something like this. And its true, it has solved that issue, so I think I got away with it.

In the middle of the conversation we diverged a little onto our past relationship. I was disappointed she now wouldn’t try to work on it now that I know how to have a go at it. She said had tried to to tell me before to which I said yes, you did but I didn’t know what to do I didn’t have a manual, I don’t know how to work on our marriage. I said I could always talk to you about anything and everything you are - were, she corrected - my soul mate. And then she said we were never soul mates, there were just too many differences. I said that didn’t matter, everyone has differences. I’m really sad and frustrated she won’t do this, but I need to shut up about that now.

Maybe I should have thought about what her reaction might have been, but that’s not like me, I was caught up in my own world of analysis. This was quite a big step for me (a 180) to take as I tend conflict wherever possible. I was lying in bed this morning wondering what to say and having a mild panic attack about whether I could come out with it. in the end I didn’t say half of what was going on in my head, which was a good thing as it wouldn’t have helped and probably made matters worse.

She then broached the subject of how were going to move on. Whether I want to live with them in the future but on the understanding that I should have no illusions or hope that any of my improvements will make any difference what so ever to her decision to end our relationship. I said yes I want to stay with my kids: I have missed them and they’ve missed me for the last two and half years and they need me. She also wants to tell the kids saying they will still have their mother and their father but this is how it’s going to be from now on.

Well sorry love, I still have hope, but expectations are dwindling fast. I will go back to acting as if she is my sister. Next weekend we’ll be seeing the tenants in the house we own to tell them we want to sell. If we can be civil to each other, and I'll give it my best shot, we will buy another house where were living now or in the bigger town nearby. I expect we’ll have separate bedrooms then.


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Old Dog, you shouldn't have any expectations, remember?

It really doesn't matter if she wants to work on it or not. You can move her without her realizing it just by making your 180s to be healthier and more like the person you want to be, GAL (I'm beating that horse, aren't i??) and giving her space. Job posted a book recommendation, The Solo Partner, on the MLC page that you might want to check out.

I SO wouldn't buy a new house together. While you might be willing to live like roommates at the moment, that's not a viable long term situation. You can have access to your kids without living wight your W. Especially if you succeed in finding a more local job.

I feel like you're letting her run over you. Have you been hearing from Mr.Bond or Starsky? You need heir input. Another book (usually applicable to infidelity situations but maybe helpful for you too) that might help is titled so ring like No More Mr. nice Guy. Apologies if that's already been recommended to you.

I'm pulling for you, not-so Old Dog. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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No I don't have any expectations. She's made that perfectly clear. Not sure why I wrote that.

I feel I have turned some corner though and want to get on and GAL, change up, get positive, kick some bad negative habits etc. I haven't heard of the Sole Partner book, I'll check it our. Thanks for the nod. I've started to have a quick look on the MLC page recently. I'll have to spend a bit more time checking it out.

I've been a weekend dad for two and hard years now though and it's really not good. They miss me, especially S12, I miss them and now S14 really needs both parents as he's having problems at school.

I hear what you're saying about the house. If we sell up and split the money, neither of us can afford to buy anything other than the smallest pokiest hovel in town. If we transfer the mortgage, we'll keep the good rate we're on. It's a big decision though. My DB coach has advised me to act as if she's my sister, so I figured I'll go along with that, keep on working and if it doesn't work in a year, 2 years, who knows but there will no more relationship talk.

Mr Bond was here early on in my story, but I have had a vet here for ages. I'll have a look for No More Mr Nice Guy as well. I am Mr Nice though so that would be a MAJOR 180.

Thanks for your kind words Maybell, I find your story inspiring.

(Not so ) Old Dog xx


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Hi Old Dog, I just wanted to say hello and echo what Maybell has been saying. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and get out there and GAL. Looks like you are taking steps toward that, great!

It will really help you to take your head out of this mucky crappy situation you are in and enjoy life a bit more. You deserve it!

You sound like a really kind and wonderful person. Your W has to go on her journey now. Go along on yours too and I think it's possible you can both meet up when the roads converge. Right now there is nothing you can say or do that will make her wake up and see how terrific you are. Baby steps right now.

Good luck Old Dog! You are doing great!
Hugs, Lisa

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I have finally come to realise this. I knew it all along of course but something (below) was blocking the process. I think I have come to terms with it and am ready to get to work properly rather than just talk and pay lip service to it.

The passive aggressive at play is not a pretty sight. I told myself early on in the game that I don't want to play that game anymore but it is hard to shift. I can recognise some traits early and correct them but some others creep up on you.

I am a wonderful person and now I'm even better having read so much about relationships on here and books. Did you spot the PMA there?

In a years time women should be queuing up for a slice of that nice action I reckon.

I keep saying thank you to people turning up to support me, but I really do mean it. I wish I could meet you all and give you a hug. I'm not so good at imparting such wisdom to others but at least I can offer encouragement every now and then.

(Not so) Old Dog xx


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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This also means I'm feeling like it's week one again.

I was extremely saddened to have to leave home yesterday to come back to work. I cried a little (in private) on the train.

My flatmates always bring me round and did so again when I arrived at the work flat. Unfortunately, they're going to be away all wek so I'm on my own again.

I spoke to one of them about the house plan and she advised to wait as I'm obviously not in a fit state of mind to decide something major like that.

I could do it if I'm detached: I have great staying power and can put up with a lot. I put up with WAW withdrawing emotional support since last November. OK, I was also stupid enough to play my pathetic games as well, but I can wait until the cows come home. But I'm not detached, so it wouldn't be such a good idea.

Being at work was hard today. It's never far from my mind and the constant ache in my heart never lets me forget. Held it together in the office and told them about my juror experiences last week, but I felt really low all day.

Tomorrow is a forced GAL day. Some of us from work are spending the day doing charity work at a nearby farm. I'm really lookingforward to it and it looks like it might even be a nice day.

Today's 3 positives:
  • I have ordered No More Mr Nice Guy & am just about to win The Passion Trap on eBay (no sniping now you lot)
  • I have discovered Marriage Advocates & Marriage Builders websites
  • I am still alive, fit & healthy, much leaner now due to my WAW crash diet


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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