Hurt and Confused 3

[oad]

sandi what do you think her commenting to me that we will be ok was about? her insecurities or testing me to see if im over her and excepting divorce?

[Fartiltre]

Hi Oad
I have read through your threads the past few days and just wanted to chime in with a little something. I do not know if you are familiar with my story, but I am also equipped with a perfectly amicable and nice WAW and (seemingly) no OM. I am 1½ year into this and all though I believe I have learned so much I do not consider myself even remotely to be a VET. Do apply this fact when reading through the below.

Also know that the below is well meant!!! I might come out criticizing or likewise but my only goal is to make you think since that might add a new light to your experiences.
You do not need to answer the Qs to me – just think about the answers.



The first thing that pops in my head when reading is the lack of reasons for the BD. You described a little in your first post but since then only this: “One of her complaints was there was no stability with me.”
Why do you think she left you?
Several times you mention W saying “He hasn’t changed and he never will”. Your cousin even told you "You need to change some things, lets talk in person when I get back" and you wondered what that meant?
As I read the VETs in here nobody leaves a perfectly good M and thereby not a perfectly good H.
Your W won’t come back to the same you!
What do you think she wants/wanted you to change when you lived together beside the stability? Try pointing your answers towards yourself, your behaviors, your ways and so – this is about YOU!
(25y already asked you something like this but I can’t seem to find the answer.)



What have you changed about you, the way you live, your POVs – YOU in general since BD
Try comparing this to your answer to my first Q
I do not find any places in your post where you adress this matter directly....and I wonder why


You expressed confusion about the different advice you get in here.
I have felt the exact same way about a year ago – getting advice I originally thought were different. The advice given to you is not that different as Sandi explains in one of her posts.
The essential thing in this is that you have to make up your mind about the whats, hows and when’s and IMHO you are drifting around. You let the VETs and others advice influence you on a daily basis and you let your Ws doings and sayings influence you on a daily basis. You analyze and think all the time and you change your heading, believes and path often! There is nothing wrong in doing this, but doing it in a timeframe as short as you will just add confusion to you, your W and your surroundings.
Slow down! It is a looong trip and you have plenty of time.
(I used to be world champion on exactly this part )

If your W lacked stability in your M - how do you think she perceives you these months?



“so ive been busy working and GAL”
What GAL-activities have you been doing since BD?
Be exact and do focus on NEW activities!



Make this about you!
I would suggest that you read “7 habits” by Steven R. Covey. It’s a fantastic read and in a passage he ask his readers “If you died tomorrow what would you like people to say ABOUT YOU at your funeral”. Give it a thought….and then try to make it happen (not the dying part )

IMO you are focusing very hard on your Ws doings. Case is that you need to focus on YOU! It is said so often in here but in my experience many (including myself) takes a long time to understand this concept. We think we do – but we don’t.
Somebody told you to move on with your life as if W do not come back and THAT is exactly what focusing on you means. This includes for you to find out what makes you happy and then working on making this happen.
Hopefully there will be a common denominator in what your W missed in your R and what you think will make you happy – this should be your starting point!

Moving on is not the same as giving up on M in any way…I have realized after a looong time that moving on is very compatible with standing for the M and at the same time it is what is best for you and your children.

I do not know how much reading you have done but I will highly recommend starting this. Educating yourself will give you new perspectives and thereby also change you. It will help you find new ways, new things that makes you happy and so on.



You deactivated you FB-account. Why?
You write that it is to go dark but if you used FB prior to BD you are going dark on the world.
If you like using FB then deactivating it is you trying to control your WAW by going out of your own ways – IMHO

Labug once (a year ago or so) asked me if I was a gameplayer. At that point I didn’t even understand the Q but I do now! I did change a lot of things trying to win back W. Many of these things didn’t stick simply because they were not an honest part of me. I see you trying to do the same thing.
Whatever you choose to change – make it about your happiness
Leaving FB to go dark seems to me to be the exact opposite.

I see you trying to control your W by showing (or not showing) her stuff – the case is that it might work, but it won’t last. If your W decides to R at some point you want it to be with you and not some kind of alter ego that you have developed to seduce her.


So OAD,
I see your sit as resolvable but I also see you drifting around and that won’t resolve anything.
Find the way YOU believe in – and make the goal to make you happy without W.
It is counter intuitive until you think deeply about it!


Some studying you could choose:
If you go through my thread from last juli and august last year you will find a lot of invaluable advice from Sandi2, LoveTheHub and others. I believe these apply very well to your situation as well.

Some books I enjoyed reading / listening
Love must be tough
The 5 love language’s
Hold on to your NUTs
How to win friends and influence people
Co-dependent no more
7 habits
NLP at work


I wish you all the best
F

[oad]

well it seems that although we are in a good spot she is now gunning even harder for the divorce, she has filed like 6 filings in the last 2 weeks...I feel as if she thinks im cool with this so now she feels better about it. Her brother talked to her last weekend and asked her to give it some time, her reply was "nope, im divorcing him". im so confused and wonder if there is any hope?

[sandi2]

Your feelings and concern are common with LBH'S. But rarely does the WAW think/feel what the H fears she does. In other words, you almost afraid to be nice or show friendliness b/c you don't want her getting the idea you are cool with getting D.

Whenever the LBH has given so much resistance that there has been a long period of unrest between the couple, then yes, she could feel a sense of "relief" that you have stopped fighting her on the D. However, in many cases, once she gets past those first few sighs of relief to enjoy some peace for a change......then she begins to question herself. "Why is he okay with a D?". "Does he want to be free of me?". It is like she shifts gears and starts looking at you in a different light. If the H plays his cards right, he can turn things around.

I don't tell you this to cause you to analyze her every word, only to let you know it is okay not to fight her about the D. Resistance doesn't always work in your favor!

[pilot]

sandi, would the logic then follow if a LBS not only stops resisting the D, but accelerates it the W would take the same notice? Or is that too much too soon?

[sandi2]

Where I have seen it most effective is in the beginning of the stitch. However, I have also seen some cases where after a year or two, the LBH would "give up" (not necessarily file) but he would finally drop the rope.....for real. When it is done for real, the W knows it. She can tell, and if anything works to draw her back......dropping the rope usually can. Some guys have to file in order to drop the rope. I try to see the logic in that, and I think i do. Everyone has to do what works.

I am a firm believer in a man dropping the rope with his WAW. The problem is that most LBH'S have to go through so much cr@p before they wear down to the place they can turn lose.

[pilot]

Not trying to hijack this thread, but I think the question is valid for oad as well as others reading. But would you not agree that dropping the rope and 'loving detachment' are different in execution? If so, why is loving detachment promoted far more than dropping the rope?

[Old Dog]

Is dropping the rope really the end of the line? i.e. not a strategy, but yeah, whatever, you win, do what you will.

[pilot]

Old Dog, from the LBS perspective, yea, it is the end of the line. Not necessarily a decision to never work on the M in the future, but a realization (and through action) that you are truly going to move on with your life without your spouse

[sandi2]

Not trying to hijack this thread, but I think the question is valid for oad as well as others reading. But would you not agree that dropping the rope and 'loving detachment' are different in execution? If so, why is loving detachment promoted far more than dropping the rope?

This is just my opinion. For most LBS newcomers, they simply have a very difficult time with detaching. Many do not understand the concept or the how-to and think it is acting cold, angry, etc. I think that is why the term "lovingly detaching" came about, but I am not positive.

I do agree that loving detachment and dropping the rope are different in execution. That is not to say one has stopped loving their S if they drop the rope. Loving detaching implies that the LBS still hopes for reconciliation and that the detaching is only temporary.........or perhaps it is the way it is inferred by the newcomer. Dropping the rope, if done properly, is moving on with your life and no more tactics or strategies trying to get the WAS back. It is with a sense of finality, and I believe that is why many newcomers can't do it. I think it does resemble that you no longer hold on to hope of reconciliation. You make a decision to amputate that emotional rope from your life. She is free to do whatever she wants and you won't interfere. You live the way you want, without considering her reactions to what you do. There is no more "family" events where you and the ex spend a day together with the children.......like one big happy family. Why? Simply put......you live as though you are already divorced!

I have read many posts from people who claim they have dropped the rope......and yet it is so obvious many of them haven't. Dropping the rope is not a gimmick to draw the WAS back to you. If that is your goal behind DTR, you may not genially be able to accomplish it. And as I said earlier, some people aren't able to do it unless they file. I'd just say not to do it to just get her reaction!

Let me also add this. When the LBS finally DTR, many times the WAS will become more interested with R. ( That is why we advise newcomers to pull back and leave them alone.
). But anyway, bear in mind, that once you accept things and decide to move on........there is that chance of the WAS wanting back. You may or may not want to enter back into a R with them. That is up to you.