Mr. Bond it is my wife who has been married twice. I'm her third husband.
My wife is my first and only love. I was a virgin when I met her.
I shouldn't have posted last night. I was hurt and angry because I wanted to see my dog.
Sandy, maybe I am the walk-away spouse.
I don't know how all of you are able to move past your hurt and get on with your marriage. I can't do it.
I moved out because my wife is emotionally abusive. She yells and calls me names.
She has apologized on several occasions. So she takes responsibility for her actions.
In March 2013, my wife went through all of my "grievances" with her. I really felt heard. She apologized for everything she did that hurt me. I promised I could put the hurt behind me. We also worked on an action plan for her behavior.
But she didn't stick to the action plan. She was supposed to control her temper.
Here's my problem: When we get in a fight and she yells at me I go emotionally back to the same place I was at when I moved out in June 2013.
I can't explain it. The forgiveness is wiped out.
When she yells she adds a fresh cut to an old wound and I need her to start the apology cycle all over again. If she doesn't I can't get over it.
I think the last straw for her happened when she was yelling and I said, "See I knew you couldn't do it."
Her response?
She exploded. She didn't take a step back and examine her behavior.
To the contrary. She got louder. I can't remember the last conversation we had that wasn't a high volume.
I hate yelling.
I didn't used to hate it so much. But I really despise it now. In fact I despise it more this year than I did last year. I despise it more this month than I did last month.
She's right. It is the biggest thing in our marriage. It's almost become a phobia. And she won't stop.
It's ruined our marriage. It's ruined my health. It affects my job. It's destroyed our finances.
She doesn't have to yell at me.
If she would promise never to yell again I would move home and we could stay married. She is ruining our lives because she insists on yelling.
I've moved out. I've filed a legal separation. I'm dividing the property. And at the rate we are going we will end up divorced.
Yet she still hangs on to her right to yell at me.
Why? Why is yelling and name calling so important to her?
If I refused to move home until she stopped hitting me no one would have a problem with it.
If it were me, I wouldn't want to live in it, either. I don't think you could make a decision or act upon a promise she makes of never doing it again. At the time she makes the promise, she probably has sincere intentions. However, this is a problem she has not learned how to manage. Promises mean little when it comes to things we don't know how to control.
I think she would need to stay under the care of a therapist (or whoever deals with uncontrolled behavior problems), at least go to an anger management program. If it were me, I would have to see her stick with improved changes.......when she was around you. The relationship would need to merge slowly, for both of you to feel safe with each other.
I also believe both of you need to take classes in how to communicate within a personal relationship. If you have never studied material on the subject, you could be doing that while S from her. Sharpen those skills so that when you do talk with her, you will be better prepared.
It wouldn't hurt for you to see a therapist to see why yelling affects you to the degree it does. I hate, too. I did not grow up around it and there has been no screaming and yelling in my M. I have seen little children almost go into a spasm out of fear of an adult yelling/screaming angrily. It's nothing to take lightly.
Has she ever said if her anger issue was the cause of her other divorces?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am here. I have been unable to get on the forum until just now.
To answer questions:
My wife divorced her first husband because she cheated on him. They married young and she married him for his money (her words not mine).
When she divorced him she refused to take anything. She took full responsibility for the divorce. She said it was wrong to marry him and wrong to cheat on him. She said she wasn't going to continue her wrongs by taking half of the assets. She said he was a good man and didn't deserve to be treated so disrespectfully.
She divorced her second husband after 11 months because he was physically abusive.
As you know, my wife has rejected all contact attempts I've made since I filed legal separation papers on August 1.
She finally called last night about 8:00 pm. She left a message saying the dog was ill and she was rushing him to the vet.
She also sent two texts. Both while she was at the animal hospital. The texts were at 9:30 pm and 10:15 pm.
Here is what they said:
Wife: (9:30 pm) Dog is running a fever but the vet says he does not have virus. She is running x-rays on his stomach.
Wife: (10:15 pm) Vet is hydrating. Giving him meds and pain killer. Hope to be home in the next hour. Looks like he will be fine.
I was out-of-town at my sisters house when she called so I didn't answer my phone. I also didn't listen to her voice mail.
By the time she send the text messages I was in bed. I didn't see them until 6:30 this morning.
If I knew she was calling about the dog I would have called her back immediately. I swear.
I texted her immediately this morning at 6:22 am.
Me: (6:22 am) My stupid phone does not get coverage in the apartment then it suddenly works. Just got your message. I don't want to call as not even 7:00 am. I will call and text later. If he needs anything let me know. Thanks for contacting me.
Me: (6:30 am) Did they say why a fever?
Me: (6:35 text) If you get the bill I will pay it and do the insurance.
Me (6:40 am) Dad picked this weekend for the football game. I can drive up there and give them their tickets and be back if dog is still sick. Let me know his condition and I can do whatever is needed.
Me (7:00 am) I don't think my last text went through so you may get duplicates. Send me the bill and I will pay it and do insurance.
Me (7:05 am) Dad and the guys choose today for football game. I can run up and deliver the tickets but if you need me to do anything with dog let me know. My schedule can be what he needs.
Me (8:15 am) If you get me the bill I will pay it and do the insurance.
Me (8:20 am) I tried all these texts about 6:30 but they don't seem to have gone so just redid.
At 9:30 she finally responded. Here is her text:
Wife: Nothing is needed. Me: Is he ok? What was the diagnosis? Wife: Intestine issues. He's on meds. Me: Does he have to have surgery? Do you need help with the meds? Wife: No to both. Me: Ok. Let me know if you guys need anything. I would appreciate it you would keep me updated.
Our dog has always had health problems. He was a rescue animal. They would have put him to sleep if we wouldn't have adopted him.
One of his issues is he eats rubber and plastic. Last Christmas the vet had to cut open his stomach to remove numerous objects. He almost died. Between my wife and I, we literally took 3 weeks off work after the operation to give him 24 hour nursing care. My wife used most of her vacation time caring for him.
Since I couldn't get any info from my wife I called the hospital. But they said they could give me any info. Since when?
Last year the dog got sick after I moved out and they shared info with me. So I know my wife must have told them to deny me access.
I think this is very cruel. I am very hurt.
I feel she is using the dog to get even with me for filing separation papers.
You're right. It appears as if she's trying to punish you. I see no other reason for her reacting this way. I mean, what was the point of telling you how critical he was and then won't give you details or let you see him? She knows how you feel about him. It does seem she used this as vehicle to pay back some hurt.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
