Old dog seeks new trick 3

[Wet]

(Not so) Old Dog, I'm sorry. I have nothing to add, I just want you to know that I'm following your writings and I know the pain that you are in. Stay strong.

[raliced]

Hi Old Dog,

I hate this for you. I was thinking about your comment that your situation is not as bad as some others. I'm not so sure. My H walked out abruptly, turned into a stranger overnight and I just caught him in another whopper of a lie regarding our kids. I think in someways its actually easier to feel like the WS has snapped or gone temporarily insane because for the most part there's no where to go but up. After the shock wears off, it certainly makes it easier to detach as well. A situation like yours, where there's lots of civility and a fair amount of contact seems like it would be a long slow burn and would take a lot longer to resolve, one way or the other. So I don't think there's anything "better" about what you're going through (although it does seem like it would be a little better for the kids).

Thinking of you!

[Old Dog]

Thank you everyone for your empathy. Here's little bit more of today's story for you.

A little later on in the day I really got in touch with my emotions. After a spot of unstoppable grief shut away in the bathroom, I began to feel real anger. WAW and S12 had gone out, S14 was upstairs out of earshot when back in the kitchen, I caught sight of the 'present' she had bought for the boys to give to me on father's day.

I don't hold with father's day anyway, but this was a glass jar labelled 'adventures with dad'. It had a few cards in, some prefilled and some you write yourself. When I first received it, shortly after bomb day, it felt like a stab through the heart then: 'here you are, go off and enjoy yourselves ... on your own'.

It made a pleasing sound as I hurled it with all my might onto the stone kitchen floor.

Well worth the 20 minutes it took clearing up millions of shards of glass. I finished just in time before WAW and S12 returned.

Shortly after, I took the yard broom back to the shed and passed WAW seemingly deep in thought on the little wall outside the back door. I've seen her sitting there before thinking about things (I presume). As I passed I casually asked 'thinking about our marriage vows?' and went inside. Agh! Did I say that aloud. Yes, I did. I'm angry aren't I? Yes I am, I can't stay here right now.

I got a few things together and as she came back into the kitchen and said 'no actally', I replied 'no, didn't think so. I'm off to my mum's as I don't feel so good'.

Listened to my mindfulness podcast on the way and ranted at the speaker and spent the rest of the day at my mum's feeling utterly defeated.

I'm back at home now and apoligised for my snide comment. Infuriatingly she was very calm and said it's expected, you were angry. We never really had huge rows: disagreements yes, sometimes heated, but not huge rows. I don't know if I want a huge row now or not. Probably not: counter productive I think but I hate what she has done. Hate! Still angry bah!

And to cap it all, she usually hides away upstairs texting or reading and falling asleep on the bed while I'm downstairs on my own. This evening, I actually want to watch something on TV and she's decided to sit on the sofa and fall asleep there instead.

This past three months has been the worst time of my life and today has been one of the worst days of that period.

Onwards and upwards my fellow DBers. It's a long hard slog to who knows where. Put me down for extra detachment lessons. I think something in my psyche has shifted today.

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[pilot]

Old Dog, hate to hear about your day, and completely understand. Yea, you really do need to work on detaching and GAL. I know it is hard to detach when living together, and as much as I like to tout my own detachment, I do not think I could have done it while under the same roof. GAL is probably difficult as well but you HAVE to do it. It will do WONDERS for your mind and emotions. It will also help prevent outbursts like today. You need a place to vent those emotions building up inside you in a positive manner. Otherwise the only outlet you have is with your W, and as you know, that will do you no good.

Keep at it buddy, I know you can do it.

[Old Dog]

Hi Old Dog,

I hate this for you. I was thinking about your comment that your situation is not as bad as some others. I'm not so sure. My H walked out abruptly, turned into a stranger overnight and I just caught him in another whopper of a lie regarding our kids. I think in someways its actually easier to feel like the WS has snapped or gone temporarily insane because for the most part there's no where to go but up. After the shock wears off, it certainly makes it easier to detach as well. A situation like yours, where there's lots of civility and a fair amount of contact seems like it would be a long slow burn and would take a lot longer to resolve, one way or the other. So I don't think there's anything "better" about what you're going through (although it does seem like it would be a little better for the kids).

Thinking of you!

I think your right raliced. It feels like I'm heading for a long slow death. In theory, my situation is good. Classic WAW syndrome, but I'm still around to demonstrate the loving detachment and change etc. But at the moment, I do feel it will be in vain as far as reconciliation is concerned. The blinkers are well and truly stuck on.

[Maybell]

What makes you feel so hopeless? Even if things get worse before they get better doesn't mean they can't get better.

[Old Dog]

Maybell, you're right of course, and as I mentioned, I think something has shifted in my psyche and just maybe I'll be able to learn to detach a little better, not have any expectations and ride it out.

The devil on your shoulder is the guy that says it's hopeless. He has a loud voice.

[Maybell]

He does. But it seems to me that the loudest shouting is generally for the poorest arguments.

What are you doing to GAL today?

[Old Dog]

He does. But it seems to me that the loudest shouting is generally for the poorest arguments. smile

Darn right!

I was hoping to watch la Vuelta d'Espanya but WAW is in front of the TV - it's 10pm here in Blighty now. Not very ambitious i know. I spent most of the day at my mum's.

GAL at home is difficult as I only lived in this small town for two months before toddling off to work 180 miles away. I only know one person here and he's just had an op for two slipped discs. I went to visit him the other day though - took him some flowers (rockin' that feminine side :-) - so it's more of a support thing than GAL.

I did find out about a Kempo Jujitsu class in the city 30 mins away on Saturday afternoons I may go to. The only thing about that though is that it'll break the day up.

[Maybell]

Breaking the day up can be a good thing.

I live in a smallish town too but we have a wine shop that offers classes and other events. The public library has book clubs and speakers. School & sports events for the kids always welcome volunteers and it's easy to get to know people that way.

It's harder to GAL before you know people but totally possible. You just have to get the nerve to do it. I only lived in this town a couple of months before bomb drop and I've found a ton of things to do, sometimes just from web searches. Get your head around it, you'll feel so much better.