Things are going well. Thank you for asking and dropping in on my thread. Right now, I am just taking my time.
My W took the kids on vacation to SoCal last week and I met them down there for the last 3 days. It was our first mini vacation as a family since our reconciliation. Time on the beach and Magic Mountain. It was a great time.
I will post a more detailed update in the next couple of days.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Back in January, I was under the impression that my marriage or any relationship with my W was over, other than co-parenting. I was in a good place personally. The direction of my life felt like it had some clarity. Things were going well with my GF, although it was early in our relationship.
Fast forward to the end of March, this is when everything began to shift. My W was struggling, in turn, my kids were struggling. Dealing with these issues, trying to maintain a relationship with my GF and staying on top of my other commitments was not working.
Having a GF made a difficult situation, much more challenging. Honestly, I thought I was good to go. The thing that I didn’t take into consideration, was how much it was going to affect my kids and my relationship with them. My W wanted back in and my kids wanted their family back together. Now I held the keys to making that happen.
It was something that I didn’t want to entertain at first. I was put through hell, and I wasn’t about to be put back into that situation. I had to do a lot of thinking and a lot of praying for some guidance from above. I’d get the thought, “This is what I worked so hard for, to have my family intact. My family deserves this chance. My kids deserve my effort.” I sat on that mindset for a couple of months. In the meantime, my GF and I broke up.
I stepped back to see what my W would do. She had made it clear that she wanted to try this again. Obviously a lot of conversations had taken place and I remained reluctant. During this time, she began attending the church I am a member of. This played a big role, for a couple of reasons. For one, I felt like I was getting beat down, because having a GF and still being married did not align with my belief system. This weighed heavy on me. Secondly, with my W in church, it was beneficial to the spiritual growth of our children. Admittedly, this played the biggest role in my situation shift.
We have already went to a Retrouvaille meeting and will be attending the post sessions again. One of hosting couples has made some recommendations on other avenues to help us on our journey. Hopefully it will keep us motivated and accountable.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I can't believe that I just fell upon your post. I have this situation, however I am the W. My H is living with his GF. I am home with our kids. Even though they are maybe a little older G(14) B(18) they were devastated when their F left for another woman.
The kids really don't want anything to do with him. They have lost a lot of respect and he is feeling that deeply.
I have told him that I don't want a D. I am committed to working on our M. When we've talked recently he has said he is trying to figure things out. The GF is also married.
I have been praying for the affair to end.
I think the only way he can truly figure things out is if she leaves the scene. But I have no control over that.
So.... until then, I concentrate on my kids and work on getting through each day. When I see him I try to stay as positive as I can. I don't mention the GF or their relationship- I just pretend she doesn't exist.
If you have any other suggestions please let me know..
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
My W did counseling for about 4 sessions. At the time, it was at the beginning of our first recon, so she was saying all the right things. To be honest, the first time happened way too fast, based on logistical convenience.
My W was living in NM at the time and our kids were getting ready to begin school. It made the most sense to get them back out to the Bay Area, given that I had a great job out here. Ironically, today is my last day, as I begin a new job next week.
Retrouvaille, was a great experience. It made us dig to places we normally wouldn't. It helped us communicate about our feelings in a more controlled manner, which then encouraged more vulnerability.
I think it took us to places that I don't think my W wanted to visit. Specifically "Family of Origin".
We have attended a Retrouvaille CORE meeting last month and had coffee with the hosting couple. They have been amazing.
This week, we have hit a couple of rough patches that were issues in the past. There are things that I have identified that I need to work on. One of them was my passive/aggressive behavior. Before, instead of dealing with the issue when it presented itself, I'd avoid it to not have to deal with confrontation. Later it would just build some resentment.
This week, we had a couple disagreements and we were able to handle them a lot better. New territory that was uncomfortable, but made a world of difference.
This post got long.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Kinda feels like we are in the same boat, LITB. I am still doing IC with an amazing counselor and one of her colleagues and protégés will be doing joint C. All four of us (me, xw, C, and joint C) met for 1 and a half hour session last week. Went well - and we are on board for more.
I am terrified, but hopeful. XW is still in a place where she is grappling with barriers in her heart resulting from the pains from the past. It is for sure a barrier to intimacy right now but I hope we can power through it lovingly.
As backwards as it may sound, I look at all of the changes and the eye-opening that has happened as a result of the D and it hit me last night....I am grateful for it....grateful for the divorce. F*ck...how's THAT for a 180? It made me evolve and break old destructive habits. I am a better person and father for it...and hope to be a better partner or husband again too. Sure, I hurt from it...a lot....but it minimizes over time as I look for the silver linings.
XW, S and I are headed to Pacific Beach in SD this evening for Labor Day...second family vacay of the summer. I was visiting XW at her place early this morning and helping her get S ready. As I was loading him into my car a total stranger walking a dog strolled by and he says "Hi! I'm going to San Diego with my family!". "With my family"....to someone that has been through what I have been through - hearing your son who suffered through the D too say that.....it almost made me cry on the spot. We had a group hug and went on with our days.
Moment like that make me hope that the barriers in XWs heart will gradually erode. Counseling will help, I hope.
My W did counseling for about 4 sessions. At the time, it was at the beginning of our first recon, so she was saying all the right things. To be honest, the first time happened way too fast, based on logistical convenience.
My W was living in NM at the time and our kids were getting ready to begin school. It made the most sense to get them back out to the Bay Area, given that I had a great job out here. Ironically, today is my last day, as I begin a new job next week.
Retrouvaille, was a great experience. It made us dig to places we normally wouldn't. It helped us communicate about our feelings in a more controlled manner, which then encouraged more vulnerability.
I think it took us to places that I don't think my W wanted to visit. Specifically "Family of Origin".
We have attended a Retrouvaille CORE meeting last month and had coffee with the hosting couple. They have been amazing.
This week, we have hit a couple of rough patches that were issues in the past. There are things that I have identified that I need to work on. One of them was my passive/aggressive behavior. Before, instead of dealing with the issue when it presented itself, I'd avoid it to not have to deal with confrontation. Later it would just build some resentment.
This week, we had a couple disagreements and we were able to handle them a lot better. New territory that was uncomfortable, but made a world of difference.
This post got long.
All great info and not too long! Thanks for sharing from your heart.
Last edited by labug; 08/30/1403:51 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Kinda feels like we are in the same boat, LITB. I am still doing IC with an amazing counselor and one of her colleagues and protégés will be doing joint C. All four of us (me, xw, C, and joint C) met for 1 and a half hour session last week. Went well - and we are on board for more.
I am terrified, but hopeful. XW is still in a place where she is grappling with barriers in her heart resulting from the pains from the past. It is for sure a barrier to intimacy right now but I hope we can power through it lovingly.
As backwards as it may sound, I look at all of the changes and the eye-opening that has happened as a result of the D and it hit me last night....I am grateful for it....grateful for the divorce. F*ck...how's THAT for a 180? It made me evolve and break old destructive habits. I am a better person and father for it...and hope to be a better partner or husband again too. Sure, I hurt from it...a lot....but it minimizes over time as I look for the silver linings.
XW, S and I are headed to Pacific Beach in SD this evening for Labor Day...second family vacay of the summer. I was visiting XW at her place early this morning and helping her get S ready. As I was loading him into my car a total stranger walking a dog strolled by and he says "Hi! I'm going to San Diego with my family!". "With my family"....to someone that has been through what I have been through - hearing your son who suffered through the D too say that.....it almost made me cry on the spot. We had a group hug and went on with our days.
Moment like that make me hope that the barriers in XWs heart will gradually erode. Counseling will help, I hope.
Crimson
Sweet!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
