Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
The last 3 days have given me some hope. We went boating with our kids on Saturday and had a good time. Not much interaction on the boat but we were friendly. She opened a beer and handed it to me when she saw mine was empty, something she rarely ever did. We listened to music and went swimming. Each of us talked quite a bit with our kids but not much to each other.

When we got home I was grilling dinner and she came out back with a glass of wine for each of us. We sat and I started asking her if she had a good time on the boat. Then I gently steered the conversation to her feelings for me. She said that she is confused about what to do. She doesnt want to get hurt again and so she is not able to commit to our M right now. I just listened and did not argue or try to convince her. She started talking about things I used to do (or not do) that hurt her and made her feel neglected. I apologized and said I was very wrong to hurt her like that. She started crying. This happened a few times over the course of an hour long talk. No anger, no hostility, just communication.

On Sunday we had another talk like that. At one point she abruptly left the house to go talk to her mom. I cooked dinner again for us and we spent a nice evening talking. After dinner she sat on the couch virtually next to me. Its a big couch and she could have sat 6 feet away if she wanted to. This has not happened in a long time. Tonight we took our D13 to dinner. We came home and again she sat next to me on the couch. I told her she looked beautiful tonight. She said thank you but I dont believe you. Then I told her that I missed loving her. She smiled but had no comments. I started touching her arm and she reacted like it felt good. So I then moved to massaging her back and shoulders. She clearly was liking the affection, and this went on for over 20 min. She then said "that felt so good, I owe you big time". I said nothing, I kissed her hand and then I went up to bed. I have no clue if this is actually a good sign or if I am grasping for straws but it felt so good to touch her again. This was the first real stretch of time where we could interact without getting angry or talking about the affair. I am going to put this down as progress. Plus I am proud of the way I initiated the end of the night. I am going out of town tomorrow for 3 days and it feels like I am leaving on a positive note.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
I returned home after 3 days away. When I am gone I do not text or call her first and I am very brief with my responses. But when I am home I am trying to show her the best man I can be. I don't plan dates but this backfired on me a bit yesterday. The moment I walked in the door she had her bag packed and a cooler ready to go. I asked her what was up and she said that she was going to our friends lake-house with the girls for the night. I was a little disappointed and she asked me if that bothered me. I said no, but I was looking forward to spending some time together. She said that if I wanted to do that I should have told her and planned something.

We talked for a little while before she left and she said that she thinks we need to try dating each other. I said that I didnt think that would work for me until she is ready to commit to the M. She also said that she wonders if we should try to get through the rest of the year and give us "one last chance" to see if her feelings for me return. All of these things sound like progress but it could also be a trap. Some questions:

Is she just trying to stay in limbo and keep me as plan B?

Should I continue with my distant but interested "plan A" approach or should I do as Starsky had suggested and go to LRT or ALRT?

She says that she has had no contact with OM and is trying to get over the affair each day. However, she has not agreed to commit to the M.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
My waw made another journal entry yesterday. She is trying to "give up hope for her AP" and get him out of her mind. She is "grieving the loss" and is dealing with depression. (I had a foolish notion that she might have been depressed about our M and family) She also says that her gut instincts are to pull away from me and she has no desire to kiss. She said that she wishes her feelings were different but they are what they are.

She did write that if I were to close the door to reconciliation and / or meet someone new that she would be devastated and it would be almost guaranteed that she would want me back. But then followed it with: "Should I move on before he does or should I continue to wait it out?"

Yesterday she texted me and suggested that we pull a last minute trip to Chicago for the weekend. She has been saying that she thinks that maybe dating like we had just met and staying away from serious talks for a while might help her to find her feelings for me again. I don't think I should go. I think that it is time to show her that I will not be here forever while she tries to find her answer. If she is not willing to commit to the M then she needs to feel the consequences of her choice. My situation is very similar to Shodan's. I have been trying to be the kind, gentle husband and do my best to make positive memories when we are together. When I am gone I am very quiet and try not to pursue her at all. But this does not seem to be working. Probably because she is still pining for the OM.

A big part of me wishes that I could just turn off all of my feelings for her. I wish that I could just protect myself, my kids and move on with my life. Some things that are really bothering me: Her AP ended the affair. She would have chosen him over me and I believe that this is still the case. She brought him into our home, full of family memories and pictures. (This shows how little she thinks of me and our life together). Her journal entries show no remorse for the pain she has caused me and our family. Her feelings for me are gone at the moment, possibly forever.

I feel as though it is time for me to follow Starsky's original advice and implement the ALRT. Starsky, if you have a second I would love to hear your thoughts on my sitch..

Thanks.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Onguard,

I'm in a bit of a rush and would have to go back and re-read what stage you are at with your wife, but I would draw the line at NO-CONTACT/TRANSPARENCY, and not at FEELINGS.

Her FEELINGS for you, after she ends all contact with OM, will take -- I hate to say it -- anywhere from 6 mos. to 2 years to FULLY return. She'll get over the "pining" (hard withdrawal) after just a few weeks, but it's going to be a long slog of you two working together at the marriage for her feelings for you to fully return. It will be full of fits and starts, and some of it will be very good.

But that's all IF and WHEN she agrees to end all contact with her OM. Has she agreed to do that, and to be fully transparent with you? If she DOES agree, then I think you're being unfair to expect her feelings for you to return so soon. If she DOESN'T agree, then I wouldn't be vacationing with her until she fully commits that OM is gone.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
Thanks Starsky. She has agreed to NC and I believe that she has not been in touch with him at all. However, she is not transparent with her phone or email. Also, she has written in her journal that she is trying to stop "hoping for her ap" and to get him out of her mind. The A has supposedly been over for 3 and a half months. However, She will not commit to the M. She is willing to try and start over and basically date each other to see if that helps her feelings to return. She wants all serious talk to stop and to put the A and our previous bad M in the past. This all sounds great in theory but real life execution is going to be much harder.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Was transparency agreed to (but she's just not living up to it), did she specifically say NO to it, or was it never discussed at all?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
She said no. Although, the other day I caught her going through my phone. Nothing better than a hypocrite. She said that she does not want to live under constant scrutiny. In addition, she is very consistent with deleting texts and emails. I have the password to her vz wireless account but imessages will not leave a trail. So I can only see numbers she is texting or calling. Also, I would not rule out that she may have a second phone hidden somewhere. Being cheated on and lied to so much has made me question my own name at this point. I also think that if the OM contacted her that she would start the affair back up or worse, flat out leave me for him. Thanks for your help Starsky. I'm going to try and make it a good weekend and I wish you the same!


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
OG

Your sitch sounds very similar to mine but in a better spot honestly. I see a ton of positive here. She is not in an A and your interactions with her are improving. My interactions with my W have been far better, but she is still deep in the fog of the A. I feel like my W and I are back to where we were in June when she asked for the D. She is now distant, somewhat rude to me and just a complete alien to me. I would keep doing what you are doing because it seems to be working.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
Thanks Shodan. It's interesting that I find your sitch better than mine. My W is trying to come out of the fog and she is also a total alien. I asked her today, "Where in the world did you go?" It also sounds like your doing a much better job of execution than I am. i know what to do but doing it is another story. Have fun, be light, be upbeat, no serious talk, no pressure. But tonight for example, we went to dinner. Just the two of us. I don't have much to say to her so we had a lot of silence. The conversation feels forced. We talked about the kids, the weather, our plans for this weekend. A number of times things got awkward. She mentioned getting a gun and I joked that I would need to buy one too if that were the case. She said that she would be getting it if she lived alone.... Then she talked about her new single friend who is dating a very wealthy guy who is 25 years older than her... Then she said she saw a gorgeous woman at her gym this morning and that I should "look her up". The whole time I was just staying quiet and not get sucked into serious talk. Finally I had to say something and her response was "We are not supposed to be having any serious talks." It's like a skit from SNL.

Her moods are shifting quite a bit lately too. Earlier this week she was depressed and crying a lot. But today she had a serious chip on her shoulder about me and my need to have serious talks. She said, either live with what I can give you right now or don't, I really don't care. It's statements like that, that really make me question my sanity for sticking around. Part of me wants to let go and move on. She knows how much I love her and she is using it against me. I wish I had the strength to remove myself from the equation. Maybe one day...


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
O
Onguard Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
My W suggested a last minute trip to Chicago to see Luke Bryan and do some shopping with our D13. I had plans with some friends on Sunday and did not want to cancel on them at the last minute so I told her that I could not go. Instead, our family and her parents went to a baseball game on Monday. I noticed that she was not wearing her wedding ring but did not say anything until we got home. That is when she made it clear that she was furious with me for not taking advantage of the chance for us to do something that she wanted to do. She said "I served this up to you on a silver platter. You might have been able to save your marriage but you dragged your feet again." These were the types of things that have happened in the past that made her feel neglected and not "heard" in our M. It is something she wanted to do but we did not do it. If it were something I wanted to do then we would have done it. (This is her opinion).If we were in the process of working on our M, I would have cancelled my plans and done the Chicago trip. But she has clearly stated that she is not able to commit to our M and doesn't know if she ever will.

On one hand, I agree with her that I had an opportunity to show her a positive change and I failed to do that. But canceling my plans at the last minute to cater to her would be pursuing. I told her that if we were trying to make it work then I would have gone to Chicago. She said, too little too late. She is now back to talking about Separation and D. So, like Shodan, I feel like my actions are pushing her farther away. I am trying to trust the process, like him, but I am afraid that I blew an opportunity. Any thoughts?


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard