Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 12 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 11 12
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 273
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 273
Originally Posted By: dawgy
Hey guys , dont no where the gals went but anyway I was wondering through all the stress , humiliation and disappointment we ve all experienced in our sitches which of us has had to deal with serious temptation with the opposite sex during this time . As i stated before in the process of GAL I keep coming in contact with many women who are extremely friendly and Ive been asked out on a number of occasions . And its not letting up , it happened again last night . Do I have a neon sign above my head saying Im looking for a new partner or am i emitting a pharemone ( dont know how to spell that one ) that pulling them in . Im not sure what going on but this never happened much when i was happily married . Is the big guy upstairs testing me even more . I dont need this , I'm trying to save my marriage and family . I dont want to sound like im bragging or im some kind of stud , but it keeps happening . This is the fifth time ive been asked and persued even after i spill my guts about my sitch . Please chime in here guys because this is a problem > Dawgy

Funny you mention that. I get the same thing a lot in the past month. However, it might be because they see a confident guy that has his heart on his sleeve. You have obviously done a good job at working on yourself. If they notice, surely your wife does! Look at it as validation, not temptation. A wise mr.bond told me once.....do you need someone in you life or do you want your marriage? Be okay, knowing that these other women are validating all your hard work. Don't be tempted to stray or you will surely blow it. Hang in there. We are all in weird situations. I try to journal and ask questions here daily. FOCUS


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
Originally Posted By: canyou?

Unless, of course, you want to have an affair because your needs are not being met -- and then these meetings mean everything. That should sound familiar to everyone on this thread ...


Oh yes indeed. Dawgy, you have more will power than me for sure.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 33
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 33
bud, I completely understand what you are saying -- 100% -- but either we believe in our stand, or we do not. I do not mean to sound harsh. I am beginning to understand after a year that this is an all-in, or all-out game. There is absolutely no timeout.

I agree that it feels good to be looked at as attractive and kind and loving. It feels good, in part, because victims generate sympathy. That is what you are getting when you place yourself in these situations. It is not kindness, or love, or care.

Let me put this a different way: do you think you would get those warm eyes coming at you with a smile if you told them EVERYTHING about what happened in your marriage?

You know, the really fun parts: being a sponsor of terrible communication, showing questionable interest in taking care of their needs (as well as our own), considering their work as "mom" similar to our work at the office, not spending enough time learning and doing the HARDER work of being a solid dad, being too centered on being the provider and not a partner to the person you love?

These are themes that run through every single marriage break. I could be wrong, but I bet these women would not be quite as sexy and understanding if they knew everything.

I do not know what I did, either, dawgy, but I do know now what I could have done to be a better person, a better dad, and a better man.

People who really love each other do not give up on the other person. Either I did something that helped her give up on me, OR I did not do enough to help her through something that had nothing to do with me...whatever the case, it does not matter. I am not giving up now -- if she really ever questioned how I felt before, she will never have to question it again -- regardless of whether she comes back to me or not.

Last edited by canyou?; 08/29/14 06:28 PM.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
Dawgy -

Not for nothing, but ALERT! ALERT!

If you are being pursued by women who have been through the wringer or who are emotionally needy, then you are being pursued by someone who is broken.

You know how we say broken people find broken people when we talk about our spouses and their affair partners?

Well....

We're broken now, too. You and me. Lots of the people here. I, for one, am working on fixing that....I hope to NOT be broken one day. But until I do not feel like there is a huge gaping hole in my chest, until I actually can look at my marriage and identify the things that were broken and know that I tried to fix them, until I can say confidently that I have healthy relationships with the people around me....well, then I'm still broken.

I do NOT want another broken relationship.

I want something real and honest and solid and faithful.

Does it feel good to have a woman responding to you and telling you your wife is crazy? Of course. Those women are just mirroring what you feel, so of course that feels awesome. But it's not a good place to start from.

Whoa, dawgy. Whoa.

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 33
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 33
I know I am broken -- all I can do is work on it every single day. Becoming a better man and father might lead to having a chance, at some point in the future, to being a better husband. That is my goal. It is small, but it is there.

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 33
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 33
wow -- for those of you who have read "it will get worse before it gets better," and wondered how on earth it could get any worse, hold onto your hats...in the past ten days or so, my wife has started going through what seems to be, and looks like, a deep depression -- very dark, very quiet, very, very alone -- very little communication, occasional smile -- it is the case, I think, that I am seeing it more now because I am doing better (a little bit at a time better, I should say (thank god for this site, BTW)) -- unless it is about the kids (3), I am not talking much -- this morning was very difficult for me -- I wanted to say "honey, please tell me you are okay, tell me what I can do to help" -- instead, I kept my mouth shut, cried a bit, and said a prayer for her good health

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
D
dawgy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
Shes at it again Im affraid . Last night she told me she got a lawyer and she wants to leave and go live with the OM . I feel defeated ,What can I do ?? Please chime in everyone . Hurting very badly this morning .


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
Hang in there dawgy. You know as well as anyone that there is really nothing you can do about your Ws actions. She is on her own journey. Believe me I know it stinks and it hurts more than anything. Just do your best to not focus on her, and work on that detachment. I am having to do the same right now. I had been a model detacher and the past few days have been kinda rough.

Keep yourself busy and occupied to help keep your mind off of it. Your feelings of panic will lessen with time.

If your W is saying she wants to live with the OM, then there is nothing you can do to stop her. If you have been ok with OM up until now, why does this change anything? If nothing else, she will start to see the non glamourous sides of him.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
D
dawgy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
Ok Pilot . Thx friend . I realize i cant control this and I have to let go of her . Ive never felt so helpless Ive got to man up and move on . But i still love her so . My number 1 worry is the boys finding out whats been going on . It scares me more than anything . My sons wont be able to handle it .


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
Dawgy, hang in there man.

I saw in U-turn's thread that you're 2nd guessing some of your DBing approaches and timing. I too wish I would have done certain things earlier- maybe it would have prevented W and OM from getting more serious? Who knows. But be honest with yourself- were you fully detached and prepared to move forward without W should she not given up OM contact a few mos ago? I know I wasn't.

Your DBing is still a work in progress. Keep working on yourself and stay focused on your boys. They need a strong role model right now no matter what happens between you and your W. Be the man/father they can be proud of.



Page 6 of 12 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard