More confused than ever

[T384]

You guys are both right and I KNOW their feelings don't matter it's just something I am working on dealing with.

My feelings? First of all I feel overwhelmed and confused. Happy? Yes, but definitely overwhelmed. I feel like things are moving a little too fast. I have only been off maybe 3 days in the last 2 weeks so H has picked up every bit of slack. I came home the other night to a new washer and dryer (mine had been broke). He made the appointment for the house to be repiped, I came home to a brand new bedroom set with a new nice mattress. I appreciate all these things but it doesn't fix what's happened. I'm looking forward to counseling on Wednesday. He really wants to move back in to the spare bedroom. He wants me to quit workjng this second job so I can be home more but he knows I can't do that while he's not living at the house. He offered to stay in the spare bedroom while I'm in grad school so I don't have to work much even if I won't work things out with him.

All of these things make me happy but they don't come without reservation. I want to do things right so we don't fall into old habits.

I'm off for the next 4 days. Is it too much to be with him every day? I made a point to go out after work last night with friends. I stayed at my moms one night during my stretch of work nights (she lives in orlando which is where I work, my commute is a little over 2 hours each way so it saves me)

[woundedfool]

My feelings? First of all I feel overwhelmed and confused. Happy? Yes, but definitely overwhelmed.

Very understandable. Especially when you were getting used to your "new normal". I am sure fear and uncertainty are in there too.
But try to focus on the "Happy" part.

I feel like things are moving a little too fast. I have only been off maybe 3 days in the last 2 weeks so H has picked up every bit of slack. I came home the other night to a new washer and dryer (mine had been broke). He made the appointment for the house to be repiped, I came home to a brand new bedroom set with a new nice mattress. I appreciate all these things but it doesn't fix what's happened.

First, yes... IMhO it is moving fast (but that is not good or bad). Speed and comfort is something you need to come to terms with. Do not be afraid to be honest about it.

I'm looking forward to counseling on Wednesday.

Us too! Little tip, since you have had some opportunity to do some IC, much like your meetings with him, let him set the pace to start. Don't judge, just listen. Again, this is just to start (by no means am I suggesting you not say a word the whole time).

He really wants to move back in to the spare bedroom. He wants me to quit workjng this second job so I can be home more but he knows I can't do that while he's not living at the house. He offered to stay in the spare bedroom while I'm in grad school so I don't have to work much even if I won't work things out with him.

Boy, thats tough.... I would look to the counselor for some input. But, If it were me, I would ask that he know he is to live in his apartment for at lest the next few months. And maybe see how counseling/relationship is going after a few months, and revisit it then (that is just to relieve any pressures).

All of these things make me happy but they don't come without reservation. I want to do things right so we don't fall into old habits.

I think it is very good you recognize this. Seems like that is half the battle.

I'm off for the next 4 days. Is it too much to be with him every day?

Thats for you to know. Does it feel like too much? Does it feel like not enough? What do you think?

[T384]

I planned on staying quiet and letting him do the talking. Especially since I know this counselor and I really like him and trust that he will do right by us. I am not going to be quiet (unfortunately that's just not ME lol) but I do want to let H open up and take the floor first.

I think that's why I feel it's so fast because I had just finally gotten used to my life without H and then bam he's back and full force. I feel that he knows he did wrong, he admits it, and just wants to move forward and try and forget about everything. I've explained that it's not that easy for me. He says he understands but just doesn't know what to do besides give it and me time. I have to admit he is doing and saying all the right things but it's only been a couple weeks so I'm still preceding with caution.

I am back and forth on the moving in thing. I don't know that I will wait months but I will wait for counseling and see how the first month of counseling goes before I can really make my decision. I'm working hard to forgive so that we can move forward because I think that's what's really holding me up.

I would love to spend all 4 of my days off with him and the boys. He wants to have a date night tomorrow night. I'm just looking to you guys if this is too much if I should separate myself maybe one of the days.


Another big thing for me is --- nothing changed in our relationship that he was unhappy about or so he says he was unhappy about. I really just DB'd as much as I could as far as being nice but for him it was me going dark, GAL and just being genuinely happy during our short infrequent interactions. So what changed? He says he just saw that he covered our problems with someone else. And it took him getting away from that entire family and situation to have time to think to himself to realize what the F am I doing.

[woundedfool]

I've explained that it's not that easy for me. He says he understands but just doesn't know what to do besides give it and me time.

That is just it, he needs to do the "right" things consistently moving forward.

I am back and forth on the moving in thing. I don't know that I will wait months but I will wait for counseling and see how the first month of counseling goes before I can really make my decision. I'm working hard to forgive so that we can move forward because I think that's what's really holding me up.

How about moving forward, without moving.... by that I mean, tell him your GOAL is to have him move back in, but you both need the time to process and heal. Furthermore, it needs to be for the right reasons (not just the financial side).

I would love to spend all 4 of my days off with him and the boys. He wants to have a date night tomorrow night. I'm just looking to you guys if this is too much if I should separate myself maybe one of the days.

Nope that is entirely up to you. Do what feels natural/organic.

Another big thing for me is --- nothing changed in our relationship that he was unhappy about or so he says he was unhappy about. I really just DB'd as much as I could as far as being nice but for him it was me going dark, GAL and just being genuinely happy during our short infrequent interactions. So what changed? He says he just saw that he covered our problems with someone else. And it took him getting away from that entire family and situation to have time to think to himself to realize what the F am I doing.

All good answers, in fact... those are many of the things that MWD preaches in the books: You moved out of the way, he discovered YOU may have not been the reason for his unhappiness.

But.... LOTS have changed, YOU have changed, you have discovered a tough, independent woman, who knows she will be "fine" with out without anyone else.

[T384]

So question-

A lot of my hesitation is losing the momentum of the case my L has built up regarding custody and then the financial aspect as far as the return of my vehicles and other assets that I have a lot of cash tied up in. I plan on selling everything and putting the money back in my savings and really cutting back.

so this leaves me here. What if this happens again? I want to protect my self. Is it weird to ask H to have a legal agreement drawn up. I know this might sound crazy but if I'm going to jump back in and risk that he may or may not do this again I want to be protected. Any thoughts? H told me he would basically agreee to pretty much anything at this point as long as it's remotely fair and it wouldn't 'matter' to him as much because he doesn't ever plan on divorcing me so what I would want or ask for he would be willing to agree to to prove to me he is serious and committed. I have not told him what I was thinking I was just jokingly tossing the idea last night to see his response. It was much better than I thought

[raliced]

Hi T0324,

I've been following your situation, and am glad it seems to have turned around. I absolutely think its fine for a legal agreement to be drawn up (its called a postnuptial). I may never get to where you are, and I've already thought that if I have the opportunity to put the marriage together this is something I would insist on as well. I think that its a positive thing to enter your Reconciliation feeling as secure as possible under the circumstances. Best of Luck!

[labug]

It seems you're trying to solve everything RIGHT NOW.

Slow down, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. It seems your anxiety is through the roof cause you're worked about what might happen and you have no idea what might happen.

Take things as they come.

You can do this.

[bashy]

Sorry to hijack T0 but could labug look at part 3 of my thread especially over the last few weeks. MrBond gave me his thoughts but I'd like more advice if possible.

[woundedfool]

So question-

A lot of my hesitation is losing the momentum of the case my L has built up regarding custody and then the financial aspect as far as the return of my vehicles and other assets that I have a lot of cash tied up in. I plan on selling everything and putting the money back in my savings and really cutting back.

so this leaves me here. What if this happens again? I want to protect my self. Is it weird to ask H to have a legal agreement drawn up. I know this might sound crazy but if I'm going to jump back in and risk that he may or may not do this again I want to be protected. Any thoughts? H told me he would basically agreee to pretty much anything at this point as long as it's remotely fair and it wouldn't 'matter' to him as much because he doesn't ever plan on divorcing me so what I would want or ask for he would be willing to agree to to prove to me he is serious and committed. I have not told him what I was thinking I was just jokingly tossing the idea last night to see his response. It was much better than I thought

I was driving at this for a while, you didn't seem to concerned before (not a dig, strictly an observation). But YES you should have already discussed this with your L, You should have (and have had) a separation agreement in place. It should lay out everyone's obligations, housing and agreements about shared property.

Furthermore, even if you do R, you should have ALL financial aspects (credit cards, bank accounts, loans, vehicles) 100% separate.

Just my $0.02 worth.

[T384]

No I know it was mentioned but we do not have a separation agreement per say. He and I have agreed on things but it's not legally bound

I want a resolution. I want to know it's going to be okay. I want things to be fixed. I want to forgive.

I struggle with forgiveness. Will I ever be able to forgive him? Only time will tell. I'm really putting a lot of weight on Counseling to help us

H and I had a date night last night. We met a few of my friends out at a local bar and stayed out pretty late and had a great time.

Today my mom watched the boys and we did some furniture shopping (I had some stuff to exchange). Tonight we took the boys over to my friends house and let the kids swim and we grilled out. My. H really enjoys her H even though they haven't hung out much in the past. Overall great weekend so far.

Planning on taking the boat out tomorrow with family. It will be the first time H will be around everyone back in this setting but I know he will be fine and I know my family will be fine because they just want me to be happy.

It truly is like we haven't skipped a beat. Even my friend tonight said. If I didn't know everything I would never in a million years think anything happened between you two. Especially to the extreme (she knows some of the gory details). She said she can see what love we have for each other being around us. It's the truth - we really have such great time together. Then this forgiveness and trust thing. Creeps back up!