Wonka, should I suggest these ideas to H or wait for him to suggest? I mean MC is a no brainer...it worries me a bit that he's not initiating that, kwim? I don't want him to just go along for the ride & waste our time & money!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I would suggest that you give this a rest for a week to allow you two to adjust from the talks you've had lately. Take a breather to get yourself centered.
Let me ask you a question.
-What has been the dynamic in the M when it comes to making appointments?
-What did you and H do in the past when it came to issues that needed to be decided jointly?
It would be helpful to give some background information here. We need to understand the dynamic better. This way, we will be able to give you some ideas and suggestions.
I tell people here in DB land that we are miles, miles ahead of the WAS and we need to be their mentor/wing man. We have developed, hopefully, the proper skill set and tools gleaned from DBing and reading a bazillon books recommended here.
Let's face it: We are at the Advanced Calculus level and they are stuck at the 3rd grade math level.
It is okay to show them the way ahead and not expecting too much for the WAS to take the initiative. Once you get the ball rolling, they will catch up.
Thx Wonka! A week break sounds good. I am emotionally spent right now.
In the past when it came to appointments I think it was probably 50/50. Like I would make an appointment for something related to the kids or finances (I'm more into long term financial planning) but he would make appointments for home maintenance stuff.
For issues that needed to be decided jointly, I would almost always be the one to get the conversation started and then generally we were pretty good about compromising. Even if things started out contentious we usually came out ok in the end. Although I have to say in the last 2 years or so there were a few tough issues that we could not seem to come to a compromised agreement on --- then we started avoiding.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Thanks for the background information. Here's a suggestion:
-You conduct some research on solution-based MC therapists in your area and print off their contact info
-You print out info on Retrouville
Sometime next week, you can approach H and say let's work together on finding some common solutions in addressing our marital issues.
Then present him the print outs. Ask open ended questions if he would like to participate by calling Retrouaville himself and making arrangements to attend their sessions.
Then you handle MC appointment. You would want to take care of the MC because of your DB experience here and others can chime here in on what to look for in a MC.
This way, it is a win-win for the two of you in that you are being accountable together in addressing your M issues and working toward a better relationship.
The end result is that you allow H to step up as a partner and feel invested in the process. For sure, it'll help his self-confidence a bit. Try to let H take the lead sometimes here, ok? He will not feel so hopeless seeing this action from you.
And don't jump on him if he doesn't go for it. No expectations :-)
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Thx Barrybran! Good reminder. I am still worried about where H is really at. He continues to say promising things but really not initiating much action. I let it disappoint me horribly every time. I do need to work on getting my expectations in check. I have a really hard time with this -- obviously
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Unfortunately I have let myself get into quite the funk. H dropped off the kids early this am & I was still in bed. I know it was probably not good for H to see me that way but truly I desperately needed the extra sleep. The ADs seem to have leveled my mood some but really messed up my sleep. Still trying to figure how with my doc how to make them work well for me. The kids have some neighbor friends over. I am using the time to relax & recoup, trying to get back on track. It's a constant struggle
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Wonka & other optimists I really am frustrated by H's continued proclamations along the lines of wanting to work things out but not taking any ACTIONS. Isn't this a major red flag? This has pretty much been the pattern with him for the past 6 months, ie since I found out about the A.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
That's the most confusing statement ever: "let's work things out but not take any action". I don't know if it's a red flag (reminder: I'm not a vet!!) but maybe he's just interested in the status quo? Like work things out without changing current living arrangements, etc? I don't know. I'd flat out ask what the heck he means by that. I don't think you're expected to read minds and assuming is super dangerous as this venture. Ask. Can't hurt, might help.
"hey, what'd you mean by "let's work things out but not take action"? I just want to make sure I'm clear on it and really understand your words."
I really am frustrated by H's continued proclamations along the lines of wanting to work things out but not taking any ACTIONS. Isn't this a major red flag? This has pretty much been the pattern with him for the past 6 months, ie since I found out about the A.