I have not learned all of the abbreviations so I apologize. In a nutshell- H told me he was having an A on Mothers' Day. Moved in with OW. In his deceased parents home. (They were killed in a car accident in 2009) He's drinking again after being sober for several years- she drinks and parties. She's married.
Several years of him not coming home stopping at bars. Missed many dinners with me and our two children. H complained that he didn't feel wanted. His work day ended at 3. He wouldn't come home until 7 or 8. Then go to bed. Some weekends he would be out all night.
I told him I don't want a divorce. I want to work things out. H says, he's not sure.
Doesn't attempt to see our kids (18 and 14). Really has no contact with them at all. Says they mean the world to him.
On Sept. 11 will be 4 months. Money is tight so I haven't signed up for phone counseling. Will they help with making a payment plan?
Welcome to the best place to be, during this challenging time in your life.
Thank you for your post in my thread. I realize that in my last post in my thread, there are some parallels in our situations. At the beginning of my situation, I was the LBS. One thing that I can have you reference, is my timeline. Bring your patience.
You will read over and over on the forums to detach. For me, that was key and it isn't a skill that comes naturally. It is a learned skill. It was for me at least.
There are a lot of things that I can say, however this journey begins with you. It begins with you making changes. It begins with you becoming the best you that you possibly can become. Go out there and GAL(Get a life). Live life, because it does not await anyone. This is for your own good. Imagine the perfect partner, then go out there and become that person.
Sometimes our situations/life will knock us down to the point of emotional paralysis. That is normal. However, you have a choice to stay down or to keep fighting. You only control one person, and that person is you.
I realize how much going through this suks, however I am grateful for the experience. It has changed me for the better. You can learn more from one storm, than a thousand days of sunshine.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
In your original post, the focus was mainly on your H. Tell us about yourself. What areas in the marriage can you identify where you can improve?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I have been given that advice from many- to take care of myself and concentrate on myself. I am trying.
You are right it is hard to detach sometimes, especially when you miss your spouse so much.
The area I think I need the most improvement on is communication. I need to communicate my needs better. I need to communicate my feelings better and not wait until they boil over. I need to communicate better with every day issues, like bills and schedules because I would keep all of that to myself and become so overwhelmed with what I was taking on and never giving some of those responsibilities to my H. And then the resentment would kick in. The next step would be giving my H the cold shoulder and ignoring him.... this mixed with the fact that he wasn't coming home some nights or not coming home from the bars until 3-4 hours after his work day ended...... He felt like I didn't respect him...and frankly I didn't feel like he respected me either....
I can relate to you on the communication (passive-aggressive behavior). It is something that I am working through myself.
There are plenty of things you can do to move forward. I suggest reading The Divorce Remedy by Michele Wiener Davis to start with. Also, on the home page of this site, you can read the articles under "Free Advice". Along with reading and posting to other threads in the forums.
Google, "Livestrong Developing Detachment". I referenced this often. It helped me understand what detachment meant. Other great material to reference on this site: Tools for coping
The main thing, focus on getting yourself through this mess. My situation changed twice, when I was living my life as a single father.
What I am say, is that if/when you do the work, you will be better for it no matter the outcome.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
But I guess my biggest concern is that he is living with this woman. I feel as though I don't have much of a chance when he is with her constantly.
I am reading "Divorce Busting" and reading threads..... I know I have things that I will change--- what things did your wife do that made you take notice and took your attention away from your GF and give your attention to your wife?
H spends all weekend with her. Has yet to try and spend time with our kids.....
I called him today and asked if he would like to come over to dinner this week- making one of his favorites- so that he could spend time with the kids.... he did accept- so we'll see....
I've only been following DB for a couple of months, so I'm no expert or vet yet. But I would not try to win him back while he's with OW. He is just going to cake-eat. He gets to have exciting weekends with his GF and then get a nice home-cooked meal on occasion from his W? That's a WAH's dream. It would only prolong the A as his EN's (emotional needs) would be met in spades - no reason to change anything. It might even feel like you approve of the A.
I have a PI investigating a possible A by my WAW. If I get confirmation, here will be my course of action:
- Expose the A. OM's family (W, mother, friends, whoever I can talk to), WAW's family, my family. I've seen that this can help expedite the ending of the A as it eliminates the fun of secrecy and causes lots of other problems for the two in the A. - Demand that the A end immediately and that all contact permanently cease. - If WAW does not agree to that in a short time frame (1 week), I will cut off all direct contact with her until the A is over. All necessary communication (daughter) would go through an intermediary.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Secondt, I'm no expert, but it seems that the A is almost always bound to burn out relatively quickly. Work on you, he'll probably notice.
Card29...you may want to see what some vets think of your plan. Exposing the A does very little to make you look good. Really the exact opposite. Check w/ vets who've dealt w/ As before.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
It may only drive them closer. Of your W to a 2nd OM. You need to get some vets to weigh in.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
