I understand what you are saying, but I have had control issues in the past. I feel like if I ask her to have no contact, she will perceive it as me trying to control her.
This girl needs a husband who will be man enough to lead his family with some honor and loyalty. If you, the head of the home, cannot set an example of what a faithful and dignified spouse is suppose to looks like.....then not only does the marriage not stand a chance, but the entire family may crumble. Does that make you feel a little pressure? I hope it does!
Both of you have been down this road more than once. Have you learned anything yet? I would like to suggest you stop repeating bad decisions/choices. Both of you need to grow up, but especially you! You said she was a bad mother and you didn't want her getting custody.....and your answer was to sleep with her friend? What kind of parent does that make you?
You need to get your act together and start thinking about what kind of role model you are being for your kids, regardless of your wife's decisions.
You both need help, but since she's not here....you are getting the information. She's in la-la land.
You need a plan that will keep you on the DB straight & narrow path, so to speak. Have you finished reading Divorce Remedy, yet? Get it done. Start making notes about what you (as the husband, daddy, and man) needs to do to improve. Set goals for yourself that is not about her. Learn what true personal boundaries are all about. Learn about real detaching (b/c you don't understand it).
If your W is ever going to respect you as a man.....she has to know it is not okay to date while she's married to you b/c you won't stay in an open M. That is an example of a boundary. It is not to control her but to protect yourself and the welfare of your family. How attractive do think it makes a man to say what you quoted above? She may still feel some physical attraction toward you b/c you are young and in good shape. When you lose your youth and health......then what's left? You have to give her more than physical attraction. Each of you will need to be attracted to what's inside of you. What defines you as a man. Your values, morals, character traits, and belief system will shape and mold your relationship. You two have gotten through difficult situations in the past, but if you don't have the right tools and learn how to nurture the MR, then things will not continue to hold together under these types of issues. Life is hard enough without adding extra into the pile.
The two of you can grow together and make good, loving memories down through the years....instead of trying to forget your shame. But you need to start remodeling that foundation now. You can determine to be the responsible man your family needs. Focus on your issues and your changes. Challenge yourself to be a great father and husband. You can turn yourself onto the man you respect......and others will too. She can't respect you if have don't even have respect for yourself.
This board can help you. They can give you support during the hard times and cheer on you when there has been progress.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Listen to Starsky and Sandi. They harped on me for mos to stand up and be a man. Set my boundaries and stick to them. Instead, I let my feelings dictate my actions.
When I finally had enough and told my W what they are recommending to you, she agreed to no OM contact and MC with me. By no means am I saying that's what will happen with you or that I'm out of the woods yet, but my actions felt 'good.' I was proud of my stance as leader of my family and role model to my kids, regardless of W's reaction.
Well, I did talk to her last night. I had to go sign some papers for her financial aid for school. I let the subject of dating be brought up. I told her that since we are on the road to self improvement that seeing other people would only complicate things. I asked her if she would break contact with other men. She said no. She said she is no longer dating and she is focusing on her school and finding herself. I told her that no matter what, I am not going to see other women because we are married. She said that she understands and my road to self improvement is different than hers. She said that her IC said that what she is doing is perfectly normal to do what she is doing and also recommended another website to meet people. Not a dating site, but one where you can meet with people that have similar interests in a group setting. She says she is not looking for. Relationship and she does not want one.
I stopped reading DR, it just feels hopeless. I will pick it up and continue today.
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Well, I do need to work on self improvement, not just to save my marriage, but to become a better person. I do not like who I have become over the years.
As far as what I am going to do, I can not have another person in my life as a partner while I am on my journey. Not my wife or any other woman. I am still married, even though I have stepped out in the last, and even though I have the green light from her, I am not going to violate my marriage regardless of what she does.
I need to be the role model for my children. They need some sort of normalcy. I have to be the strong one for them, and to not lose my own sanity.
Last edited by getrite; 08/29/1401:43 PM.
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Well, I do need to work on self improvement, not just to save my marriage, but to become a better person. I do not like who I have become over the years.
As far as what I am going to do, I can not have another person in my life as a partner while I am on my journey. Not my wife or any other woman. I am still married, even though I have stepped out in the last, and even though I have the green light from her, I am not going to violate my marriage regardless of what she does.
I need to be the role model for my children. They need some sort of normalcy. I have to be the strong one for them, and to not lose my own sanity.
I respect that stand. It's the right thing to do, for as long as you are able to do it.
How did you leave it with your wife? What does she think your position is on her continuing to be in contact with other men?
I told her I do not agree with it but it is her path to walk. She knows how I feel about us and about seeing other people. She can make her own choices. I am in a better place mentally and I am not going to let her actions dictate how I feel. It is time for me to be in control of me.
I am going to do what I have to do to DB this.
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
That's fine, so long as it doesn't come across to her as "I will do ANYTHING to be with you!"
I still don't think she has ANY credible threat of losing you over this, and I've never seen a sitch yet where someone will end their waywardness unless they do. If your stance comes across as "loving, steely resolve" that's great. If however it comes across as "desperation"/"neediness" -- not so great.
