To reply I never even once scolded her or told her to go out less often. I encouraged her to go out with friends in the beginning. It grew out of control and I became helpless and my despair and sadness and loneliness grew. At this point the only time I see her is in court and she is cold as a complete stranger with hardly a glance or word. If only I knew this venue last year I would have a chance.
Any different advice? When is it time to force marital counseling.?
It appears that everyone wants a good partner but it appears that the dating scene is a meet/meat market of one night stands, flings and lies with few true people. Low self worth creates needing someone
Doing well for oneself in this respect is just limited to working and drinking with friends
I completely agree with your other points. The old marriage is over and if given the opportunity or privilege a new beginning can happen.
We don't have any mutual friends that still talk to us both. Any contact of any kind from me to her or even to her lawyer to tell her is a Pfa violation.
It is frustrating that I can't be there for her or share the humor of my days or a funny observation.
My mind is a prison. Sometimes I feel I was never even married. The GAL is really tough when all new friendships are required.
You NEVER NEVER NEVER ever "force marriage counseling" nope, not for one second do you get to decide if she goes to MC.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Okay so how soon will a person who goes completely cold heartened be open to a civil conversation.? There are only 21 months until divorce and who knows about other men influencing her and in that time I probably will meet other women who are not consumed by hate. I fear the longer apart, the less likely we can ever even speak again.
You know, I get that you're hurt, but that list of the things that I had asked you to list of things that YOU did wrong, went right back to blaming everything on her. It's easy to make yourself sound like a saint because you're not the one who wants to D, but if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to be brutally honest and put things down from HER perspective as to what issues there were.
"what did i do wrong in the last two years? i worked, i earned money, i cooked paid for bills, took her out anywhere she wanted, offered to take her to vacations and she refused i had big projects moving forward and she squashed them all. my life reduced to a few dozen garbage bags and living in my dads house until we divorce or reconcile"
This is all from your hurt feelings. Be impartial for a bit and even if you don't agree with what she said about the reasons, they are HER reasons.
Start again and write down the issues that SHE said were wrong in the M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The work to build hope to repair the marriage is done inside of you. You're resisting and believe me, I understand why. It's uncomfortable to look at your marriage from her perspective, to look closely at your faults, to admit to yourself and others where you fell short. None of this is to say that SHE doesn't have faults but that's not the focus right now. You don't want a divorce. The way for THAT to maybe happen is to first recognize your role in the demise of your marriage. She wasn't getting what she needed because she left. What does she need from you? Chances are she asked for it lots of times.
She wanted me to have a paycheck job instead of the erratic life of an entrepreneur. Finish projects in the house(if I go back, I know good people now that can finish the work in a week) Get rid of junk(she and her guy friends are doing that now without my interference since I am court ordered away from the house) She resisted intimacy probably from her two hour daily conversations with OM that I was not aware of until we separated.
I know deep down I deserve all these arrows. She feels like she has earned a crown and walks away as a boss. I know from the very little I heard from others that she takes much joy from my pain. I do not want to be one of broken for life divorced people.
Her distance made me depressed. And that pushed her away further. I know I have the abilities now to give her the best life but if she has fully embraced the single clubbing party life there isn't anything I can do.
I want kids and she doesn't anymore We follow the same faith. I still care and she doesn't anymore.
Staying dark means not even reaching her family which I unfortunately tried as a go between for a month and they either didn't send my message or twisted it to make it worse
Thanks for caring and asking the tough needed questions
Ok, you're doing better but she didn't leave because you didn't finish projects around the house.
Can you tell us how old you and W are? Put it in your signature block so we can refer to it. How long have you been separated?
What we're looking for is the nitty gritty. Not the surface stuff. Why did she not like your entrepreneurial position? Inconsistent paycheck? Travel? Hours? Why?
Based on your list, her love language is 'acts of service'. Have you read The 5 Love Languages? If not, get it and read it. It will help you understand how she wants to be loved and maybe shed some light on how YOU want and need to be loved, too. Never a bad thing to know about yourself.
What kind of contact do you have with her now? Is it friendly? It's hard to be the one left behind but there are many people here in your situation and, while it's HARD, we're surviving.
I hate for you that she takes joy from your pain. That's awful. But I imagine she's taking joy from your pain because she too is in pain. That is something you need to look closely at. Why is she hurting? What did you do or not do to put her in pain? Oh no, you DEFINITELY contributed to it so own it. Look deep because it's there.
I'll tell you this: her relishing in your pain is terrible but let it motivate you to make yourself happy. Find ways to GAL, to smile, to laugh, to be OUT and have a good time, to learn something new, to involve yourself in something different. Don't let your pain and her relishing in it define you. You are MORE than your pain so be it.
Success is the best revenge. Not that I'm advocating revenge but if you're radiating happiness and finding ways to become a better you then word will get out... she'll know.
I kept throwing lots of money into projects with no immediate payoff. I would have broken my will and spirit in retrospect to make her happy with a paycheck job just to make her smile.
We have no contact at all. If I even text her I will land in jail. I cannot take that risk plus it will not bring us closer.
I will get that book. Thanks. I will add that to the dr Laura books I just bought.
Success is the best revenge. I am telling people I am more successful in mindset and reality. This week my mood has been sour since I have been pushing myself nonstop since June into my work. I will restart Monday and keep up the good work. I need better friends. People in my life who are not spies.
Love the advice. I will write it on a new dream board. I know I have to be more involved in activities. Now it is work and the weekly homeless outreach. Diet and exercise with a personal trainer.
I need to join the union league and the racquet club to be in better company.
Your right. Doing great will crawl under her skin I hope unless some OM has her heart and brainwashed her
Me 33 W. 30 No kids
Married nov 2008 Separated June 2014 She filed divorced day after I was kicked from home
Ok, you're sort of getting it. I have a feeling you haven't read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy. I'm not slamming Dr. Laura but she's divorced so I'm not sure she can give a whole lot of advice on how to keep your spouse. Just my very humble opinion.
Get the DR and read it cover to cover. Don't risk going to jail, obviously. And DON'T GAL just to get under her skin. Do it for you. Do it for your life. Do it to make yourself better. I feel like you're really not getting the point of this process. It's not to teach her a lesson or to get her to come back immediately. I get that you're hurt because there's another man but dude, there are people here with worse situations and they are working DR and seeing small but meaningful results.
What do you want. Do the work. Get the books and stop trying to get under her skin. STart looking inward and get comfortable in YOUR skin. Do the work.
