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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Ok, so I have been doing my part, DB-DL ... the GAL and all that .. I posted 2 threads in the Newbie section and now I feel I am at a point I should post here and accept this for what it really is WAW-MLC and by my reading my odds are not good

Previous threads if you would like to kill a few hours
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...148#Post2474148
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...721#Post2479721

So ... Just an update to save you all from a long read. I have not been doing a good job at detaching. I have actually noticed that the WAW will cry out for help and I am quick to be there thinking I was proving I have made some 180's and have made some great changes ... which I have. However little did I realize ... I was allowing her a cake-eating-festival. She would drop OM, come to me to feel safe/secure, once I patched her up .. off she flew back to OM. This cycle has gon on for the past 5 -6 months or so. I was using the family time as my chance to be noticed and appreciated ... but it was just filling her needs. Seems there is little glimpses of the girl I know and love ... then she turns into the self entitled selfish person I am not entirely happy to see. However she just started IC on mondays so I was/am hoping for the best.

So lets get this up to date. 2 weeks ago, she went through one of her lows, I went over early in the morning, comforted her and all that only to see her pretty much go dark for a few days (not uncommon) ... that weekend we spent Saturday at church, watched a movie .. and I ewnt home .. Sunday I helped her with errands, and we spent some time together as a family. Then the next week was quiet ... she has been under some stress at work ... WE again hit Churh and dinner as a family, Sunday she comes over and drops off S ... she is dressed up and "meeting a friend" ... I dont know if she went with her friend or OM, either way I have come to grips that there is little I can do .. but I would rather have good intel so I know. Monday she brings up her Counseling session that is tonight ... its a support group at a different church for Divorcees/Separated people .... I dont understand it .. she wants the D I dont .. and she needs counseling .. I was under the impression this stuff is more for the LBS .. then again I might be mistaken.

So I am pulling LRT ... I went dark Monday .. all week really. Yesterday I start recieving texts from her .... at first probing about our S ... then her asking if I was mad at her.... why I have been ignoring her lately ... why I am being so distant ... I tried validating but she comes back with .. I know you better than that ... I again just replied with .. Sorry you feel that way. I went to my softball game, she TM that she had a bad day and wished she could share it with me, "why are you doing this? ... never mind I just dont matter to you" .... I replied later with "Im not sure how you could think that, as you asked I am respecting your decision" (Refering to the D) and then she went on to say .. that it doesnt mean we stop caring for each other. And that she has to let go of us to she can try to heal from so much pain and grief (Yesterday was the 8 year anniversary of our miscarriage) Thing is she only wants me to care about her when she needs it, and she has this date, and other issues .. all understandable .. but she comes to me for comfort then feels better and off she goes again ... this is what has been my downfall.

So ... today she brings up that we need to talk about $$ ... something I am will ing to do, just not going to keep paying for her way of life since it is not going to involve me, she will be getting MUCH less if we D ... something she seems to not realize even after the mediation suggested it to her.

So I keep fairly short and dark, and out of the blue she invites me to go with her and S to the zoo Saturday. I would love to go .. but feel if I do its not taking the strong LRT stand that I need to do ... thinking replying back that I would love to go but already have plans and let it go at that.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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AJM Offline
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Seems you are fighting between wanting to be there for her and not wanting to be treated like a door mat.

About right?

Here's the thing. She is in pain. You may not have caused it, but it is what it is. She knows that. She articulated that to you.

Basically, this isn't about you.

While you know that, you're fighting feeling like you are being used (ego).

Have you read the welcome threads from Cadet, yet? Might be useful to you.

While you're doing that, can I just say that you have to figure out what you want? You have to figure out what you'll accept and what you won't to the point you don't look back.

For perspective: Being there for her is a way to stay connected. That's something not everyone gets a chance to do in this forum. That doesn't mean you'll save your marriage. It's about the relationship whether married or not.

What do YOU want and what are you willing to live with long-term?

Many of us have been where you are. Keep posting and you'll get some good advice and a great sounding board.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Caliguy, I don't know what to say, except that from what I've read, coparents can't really go dark.

If you think your S would like to spend family time together, you could look at it as making this easier for him by going.

Be light, warm and breezy with her if you do go, right? Avoid R talk, focus on S... I mean, this is what you'd probably be doing if you were divorced, right?


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AJM
Seems you are fighting between wanting to be there for her and not wanting to be treated like a door mat.

I dont think its that, more about being used, and tossed aside after she gets what she wants

About right?

Here's the thing. She is in pain. You may not have caused it, but it is what it is. She knows that. She articulated that to you.

Basically, this isn't about you.

While you know that, you're fighting feeling like you are being used (ego).

Have you read the welcome threads from Cadet, yet? Might be useful to you.

While you're doing that, can I just say that you have to figure out what you want? You have to figure out what you'll accept and what you won't to the point you don't look back.

Thats the hard part, I know what I want .. but I kno win order to get that I can only do so much. At som point she has to be willing aswell, without feeling like she is being held hostage.

For perspective: Being there for her is a way to stay connected. That's something not everyone gets a chance to do in this forum. That doesn't mean you'll save your marriage. It's about the relationship whether married or not.

I understand that ... but I think at some point she needs to know what it will be like if we D and I am not longer there for her, evidently the OM is not there for her in that way, I know it sounds strange but in a way I think this has been a wake up call for her.


What do YOU want and what are you willing to live with long-term?

Many of us have been where you are. Keep posting and you'll get some good advice and a great sounding board.

AJ


I have endured more than I ever thought I would ... Her leaving, the destruction of the only family I have ever known, being called on a Sunday to be there at the Dr Office on monday to discover she contracted an STD from OM, having to be told during her crazy stages about the sex she had with him after we had not had sex in 3 years due to "medical condidtions"

So yeah.. at some point something has to give. I am at the end of my rope .. making LRT a bit easier .. as either the marriage is saved or I walk and start living my life


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Nitty
Caliguy, I don't know what to say, except that from what I've read, coparents can't really go dark.

If you think your S would like to spend family time together, you could look at it as making this easier for him by going.

Be light, warm and breezy with her if you do go, right? Avoid R talk, focus on S... I mean, this is what you'd probably be doing if you were divorced, right?


Well ... going dark in the concept of not replying to anyhing that does not deal with our S ... thats about all I can do ... the exchanges are difficult with this ... she knows how to suck me in.

The S and I have a wonderful relationship .. he is happy when he is with me, and I have explained the new boundary I have set ... not telling him all ... but just that we can not be together right now because its not good for us at the moment, I want the family to be happy and not fake it any longer.


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BD Sept13



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CaliGuy,

I don't really have any advice, but I'm here to listen and support! I agree with AJ, read Cadet's MLC threads. It's good advice and might give you new ideas to try.

Good luck and keep posting!

Last edited by Atsbaby; 08/29/14 03:44 AM.

Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Update.

So I did decline the invite, she replied "Wow, she must be really special to be more important than me and our S" .... I just ignored the comment .... went over at the agreed time to talk finances, she was probing, again brought up me and seeing someone. .... truth is I have an IC appt, and was planning on going to my GAL function with the Harley group .. but I didnt tell her. So we started the finance talk .. she kept going off topic, I stayed calm, told her I was only there for the $$ talk ... she started bringing up the past so I simply left and said I would wait for S outside (her appt was in 30 min) ... few minutes later she came out .. and we had a talk ... I validated alot of her issues .. I listened ... and I also told her I was completely interested in forgiving her, rebuilding the trust .. and putting the work into our M if she was willing to do that ... regardless I have set personal goals and have a plan for my life that I intend on pursuing. I would prefer she was a a part of that. It was actually a good talk , we went back up and finished the finances, thing is I have been giving her more than enough, and after we talked she realized that amount was going to decrease .... and its still WAY more than if we would D ... the bright shiny life she once thought would be so great has quickly diminished ... looks like OM is not in the picture (I can not confirm this ... nor do I really believe it 100% but seems there is something not right with the A).

So ... as painful as it was .. I think there is progress, she is at least looking internally and starting to take a little responsibility here and there for her actions .. but she still does blame me for a good chunk ... baby steps I suppose .. I will take small positives and a little shot of hope here and there.


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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Update.

So I did decline the invite, she replied "Wow, she must be really special to be more important than me and our S" .... I just ignored the comment


Classic MLC: projecting her transgressions onto you.

I think you are doing great, CaliGuy. The blame just sets me off anymore. I'm working on getting a lid on it before I do any more damage in return.

But you sound like you've developed a good Teflon shell.


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Nitty
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Update.

So I did decline the invite, she replied "Wow, she must be really special to be more important than me and our S" .... I just ignored the comment


Classic MLC: projecting her transgressions onto you.

I think you are doing great, CaliGuy. The blame just sets me off anymore. I'm working on getting a lid on it before I do any more damage in return.

But you sound like you've developed a good Teflon shell.


LOL ... yeat its a spew Jacket with teflon coating, Over the past couple years its been growing in layers ... some things do get in but I never let her know I am wounded. I had posted in someone elses thread a quote that really helped me with this issue .... was from a sermon:

"Hurt people, hurt people." the analogy was that when you come up on a animal that has been struck by a car (Lets call this car WAS-MLC) you are only trying to help ... that animal may very well bite you out of fear. I basically started treating my WAW this way and it helped me detach from the emotion of it.


So ...this morning I dropped of S, was upbeat, she told S to go in and I told her to have a great day and went to leave, she asked me if I had a second. I came in .... she told me she was not feeling well (our little spat last night .... any stress to her effects her physically) .... on top of that her brother is to be sentenced in a month ... (Bad .. guy is looking at a long life-type sentence) she has today off and was worried with everything going on she would not be able to handle our S ... I suggested she take him to a movie since it will be hot out, she can relax and sit there .. he would enjoy it. I went to leave and she asked for a hug .... I looked at her, a little hesitant and she had that rejected look, I went ahead and hugged her .... she hugged back very tightly. I whispered to her that I want to help her, I want to take care of her, but I just can not do it this way any longer. I told her if she wanted me to go up with her to see her brother I would (This is a 180 for me .... I was distant with her family while we were together ... have since apologized personally to each one of them for this behavior and explained why I was that way ... HUGE 180 for me a few months ago.)

Anyways .. I felt good leaving ... sure maybe saying those things might look like pursuit ... but I felt she needed to know, I set a boundary .. I want my marriage and family back but not when it fits her schedule in between her on and off from OM ... I do get the feeling that might just be done for good ... I know she needs to get through the withdrawal phase .. but I do have a lot more hope now than I did a few weeks/months ago ... still .. no expectations .. I am continuing to do what I am doing as it seems to be working.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Update:

SO wow .. things seem to have sped up a bit. I went ot my IC appt Saturday morning, rode the Harley and my IC noiticed right off as it was something I have been talking about. I told her about the DB and even gave her some credit as she has been pushing me to GAL since I started. The Harley was a huge step for me, it was a 180 (I never do things for myself) ... was a GAL ... helped me tremendously with regaining my self confidence. SO after my IC appt I realized that I allow WAW to cake eat when it suits her ... my IC also pointed out I wrestle with wanting to be there for the W .. and wanting to let her fall ... all true.
SO the W wanted a couple hours from the S (She had him the past 2 days with school being out ... I met her at her gym, went and took S to lunch and ran some errands. She came to my place and picked him up and once again brought up the zoo and doing something up .. this time in front of S ( Power play here as to throw some guilt my way) I told S to go upstairs so W and I could talk.
Boundary setting time .... I told W ... I would LOVE to spend time as a family but as I mentioned previously in the week I would not do the fake family and fill her emotional need cup only to be cast aside as she has done over and over again in the past. I told her if she wanted to try, I would be all in, and try is not just spend time, its actual dates, actual talking, reconnecting her and I as a couple ... not just a family (This really seemed to grab her attention ... I did something different ... and it looked to get a positive reaction) So I went further .. I told her I would not be there for her if she was in the A. I also would need proof that it was over, she understood my lack of trust and asked how she could prove it as it is actually over and has been. I told her the NC letter ... this did not go over well as she felt it was controlling and made her feel weak ... I told her it was not for her.. it was for me, used the fact that she drive 45 minutes each way to work, how am I to know she is not chatting it up with him. so we went around a little on that ... I got up and went outside just to make sure my emotions were in check.

She opened up a bit and told me she wanted to try, so I told her that she needs to set up the MC appt (I set the last 2) ... we comprimised on the NC letter, taking this opportunity during a long weekend to be together as a family, I did tell her I was serious about the letter and after Monday we would revisit the talk.

So Last night I picked her and the S up, Took them to Old Town, nice vibe, and we had a wonderful dinner, after dinner we walked around and she window shopped (Something that I never cared for .. 180... but I also joined in) .... it actually felt like a real date, she walked close to me, took my hand and we talked like we used to. Huge step ... I know I know .. slow .. but this was a big step forward.... no stress nor pressure.

This morning we went to church .. first time that I can recall .. she sat next to me instead of placing S between us.

I am really happy with the progress .. I know there is tons more work to do here, for both of us, seems me asking her out on dates, treating her like a date has been the one thing I was missing .... I can not push here .. but there was actually some subtle flirting going on between us ... we may watch a redbox movie tonight .. I am not counting on doing anything .. but she suggested it ... we will see ... and there is the zoo tomorrow. then the weekend is over and I know the routine during the week will test me .. but this is the best position I have been in since the BD last year.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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