I was doing so good

[dawgy]

Hey Canyou , its great to hear from another supporter . I really appreciate it . Words of understanding and support are always welcome . Yes I will agree 100 % this is the most difficult and heartbreaking thing I ve ever dealt with . The uncertainty of it all is very upsetting . Never really knowing what she thinks of me . Even if she told me today that she does love me it would be hard to believe . Im still in shock in alot of ways even though its been over 5 months since DD .It really does help to detach and GAL but the days when you slip back into the abyss it seems to erase all the good i ve done

[canyou?]

hi all -- I am hoping we can keep this string going. It has been hard to find mostly men on one forum topic. Nearly everything that you guys have gone through, I have gone through. The stories are very similar. I think my biggest struggle right now is trying to find a way not to be the person I am (supportive, kind, maybe a little too much in-your-face, loving). As she suffers, I want to do more, not less. When she is happy, I want to soak it all in -- I want to be there. The changes I've made have been great; I really love them. I am absolutely not going back to the past. I am a much better father (was not bad before, but was clearly the "fun" component of the equation -- now I am doing some of the real work too and I love it). By the way, I am not sure whether an PA is in place, but I am nearly positive an EA is. I am also dealing with a sister-in-law as alienator, so I know my chances are slim to none to get my wife back. If any of you are dealing with an alienator from within your wife's family, I would like to hear the stories. Dawgy, I feel for you especially when you say you think you've undone progress. My experience so far is that this is not the case, IF most of what you are doing now is for you (not for your marriage). Change what you think needs changing, don't change for the sake of you marriage. I learned this the hard way early on (at about where you are right now.).

[canyou?]

oh, BTW -- I do not think what she is going through has anything to do with me. I deeply regret that I did not see it coming; did not see her suffering, maybe. I really wonder why I thought everything was okay; that, if anything, we were suffering together. That we both knew how the other person felt and believed it ... oh well, hard to be more wrong than that, I guess

[PeterV2]

Let me chime in a bit here. First of all, I agree that she's not out to get you. She's just trying to fulfill the emotional needs that you failed to meet. After reading Willard Harley's His Needs Her Needs and Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages I realized the communications breakdown that lead to the failing of our marriage. I will be preparing a lengthy written apology for my part in the breakdown of our marriage which lead to her walking away into an A. I will not only take responsibility for my role in the failure, but apologize and ask for forgiveness. Then it's all in her court. She is the only one who can control herself. I have no control over her. I can only state my case and then back off and let her absorb the info. I'll be posting that apology letter on my thread when it's written.
Secondly, dawgy, regarding snooping: STOP IT. (2x4!!)
I know it does us no good and it's so hard not to do it. We're all guilty of doing it to our own detriment. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back with the program. Detach. improve, learn, be happy, care for your kids. Ignore the turmoil on the other side of your life. She has to deal with her own self-created hell on her own terms. Your nosing into it only confounds the resolution. Criky I know it's hard. I just pray that your WAWs all start seeing the light soon. We're just a bunch of LBSs that are trying our darnedest to save our marriages - by ourselves. It's a noble cause. Let's be proud of that and take some deep breaths. Get into the Zen mode and let the world unfold as it must in its own sweet time.
In the meantime, there's so much to learn. I find myself doing critical analyses of my own psyche to flush out any shortcomings that rear their ugly heads. It's an epic battle. And I do believe a fair maiden awaits at the end after the dragons are slain.
Keep your heads up and keep your broadsword firmly in your grip. This challenge is not over. Not for a long time.

[Roid76]

I will agree with all!! There are good days and bad days! Most of the time they are not out to get us so to speak, but in the beginning there is some of that, as it goes on there is more compassion i think, at least in my stich. The snooping thing is very hard, I think its a guy thing. I will go a while without caring and then all if a sudden a bad day and poof you cant stop yourself. But thats part of the process, getting better and ,earning about yourself. If you can keep up the no stooping for longer and longer, it should get easier.

[dawgy]

Hey guys , dont no where the gals went but anyway I was wondering through all the stress , humiliation and disappointment we ve all experienced in our sitches which of us has had to deal with serious temptation with the opposite sex during this time . As i stated before in the process of GAL I keep coming in contact with many women who are extremely friendly and Ive been asked out on a number of occasions . And its not letting up , it happened again last night . Do I have a neon sign above my head saying Im looking for a new partner or am i emitting a pharemone ( dont know how to spell that one ) that pulling them in . Im not sure what going on but this never happened much when i was happily married . Is the big guy upstairs testing me even more . I dont need this , I'm trying to save my marriage and family . I dont want to sound like im bragging or im some kind of stud , but it keeps happening . This is the fifth time ive been asked and persued even after i spill my guts about my sitch . Please chime in here guys because this is a problem > Dawgy

[u-turn]

I am not feeling that in any way right now. I do understand though.

I am more tempted to join the: He man woman haters club - right about now. (kidding)

(not trying to be offensive or judgmental - just funny).

have to run - will expand on this later.

[u-turn]

dawgy-
I think that you really have to evaluate what you think will help you with your goals or if your goals have changed. If something is causing you to have troubles staying on course, try to remove yourself from those situations (this may seem like anti-gal). Evaluate whether you can have that sympathetic ear from a female friend without thinking it has to go farther and keep you from staying on the high road.

It is just like with snooping - snooping hurts you when you do it and tends to not have an affect on moving toward your goals.

[canyou?]

Hi Dawgy -- I think what you are seeing are lonely women looking to take advantage of a bad situation with a weakened man who they believe needs to be cuddled. Because your confidence is shot (mine too), you are attaching importance to these meetings when they mean nothing.

Unless, of course, you want to have an affair because your needs are not being met -- and then these meetings mean everything. That should sound familiar to everyone on this thread ...

If you believe in your marriage and your wife, then stand up for them, accept what you did to hurt the person you love, and do the work to change those things if you think they make you better.

While you are doing what needs doing, stop confiding in bimbos. Consider the character of a woman who is willing to take advantage of another person who feels like we do right now. They must have the moral compass of one of those green flies that eats shXX all day ...

[dawgy]

Canyou , I agre and disagree my friend . I dont confide in bimbos . These women are all ladies that have been through the wringer also or are emotionally needy . There may have been a bimbo in the crowd here or there . I dont want to have an affair but I can relate how you worded that to show how my wife felt . Im not sure what i did that was so bad for her to step outside our marriage but I will accept some responsibility for sure . However if I was to have an affair I believe I could justify it more than she could . Afterall Im not in the middle of a torrid affair shoving it in my spouses face like her . I agree these women are looking to take advantage for their own gain for sure . I mean they see a guy thats been cheated on and treated like garbage , and hes decent looking , has a good paying job and is still devouted to his wife . A good catch perhaps and they believe my wife is crazy for throwing it all away . I guess it just feels good to be wanted after my wife has clearly shown me that Im not wanted by her . I know some day shes gonna regret every minute of this whole charade but while shes in the fog she cant see it