More confused than ever

[T384]

Thank you as always Sandi, your insight and thoughtfulness will always leave me indebted to you.

I feel like the H you described is my H. He has put it past him, he is remorseful and has moved on from that and only wants me. He is making all the right steps and 'their 6 month life' is eating away at me. I don't let him know this and I know that it all needs to be addressed in counseling. I want to forgive but I will never be ever to fully forget. It will always be tucked away. It will always be a part of me with or without H. But I don't want it to consume me. I don't want it to have to be addressed every day. I need to just give myself time. It's only been a week since we had dinner. It's a fresh wound. I don't need every detail but I do need some so I can see it and move forward.

He tells me he deserves nothing from me. He deserves me to be happy with someone else. He told me the other night, if you can forgive me and find love for me in your heart again enough to try and make this work. I will be the luckiest man in the history of this world.

[woundedfool]

First, just checking in to see how things are going?

I want to forgive but I will never be ever to fully forget. It will always be tucked away.

While it is great to forgive. I don't think anyone can be expected to ever forget. I fear in my next relationship that I will indeed have financial conditions attached to it (I am NEVER having a joint bank account or joint debt again). But those are not roadblocks to a relationship. So don't let them be roadblocks to a reconciliation.

It will always be a part of me with or without H. But I don't want it to consume me.

It will, but it is important (and I see you recognize it) that it doesn't consume you.

[T384]

Things are okay.

We have counseling next Wednesday. We have dealt with a few obstacles the last couple days.

H gave his notice on Monday. This obviously didn't go well. He only told his boss he was leaving for another career opportunity, nothing more. His boss made sure to tell him she made you unhappy before you left if you go back to her you will be unhappy again. H told me he just replied, it's our decision and our life. I was upset that he didn't stick up for me. We ended up getting into a discussion regarding this --- I need a man in my life to stick up for me. I know I will probably get 2x4s for this but I want someone that's going to stick up for me I have been humiliated by H and this family and just once I wanted him to stand up for wanting to be home vs just taking the easy way out of this is our decision.

I understand that's not necessarily a conversation to be had until after he is officially done there (next weeek). But he just told me he doesn't want to create a problem and would rather just move on. Now he's saying he doesn't feel he needs to send a letter to OW since she's back with her ex and he told his boss that he didn't want anyone to talk to him.

I still think the NC letters should be sent so I guess I will bring this up in counseling. We have been together every night after work since he is home wth the boys. Last night I stayed the night out because I needed a break.

Not sure where this leaves me. Time to go back and REread DR again and again

[woundedfool]

H gave his notice on Monday. This obviously didn't go well. He only told his boss he was leaving for another career opportunity, nothing more. His boss made sure to tell him she made you unhappy before you left if you go back to her you will be unhappy again. H told me he just replied, it's our decision and our life. I was upset that he didn't stick up for me. We ended up getting into a discussion regarding this --- I need a man in my life to stick up for me. I know I will probably get 2x4s for this but I want someone that's going to stick up for me I have been humiliated by H and this family and just once I wanted him to stand up for wanting to be home vs just taking the easy way out of this is our decision.

I understand that's not necessarily a conversation to be had until after he is officially done there (next weeek). But he just told me he doesn't want to create a problem and would rather just move on. Now he's saying he doesn't feel he needs to send a letter to OW since she's back with her ex and he told his boss that he didn't want anyone to talk to him.

Free advice: You and H did not have a dog in that fight. Remember what I told YOU about baiting?

Well boss was trying to bait H... fortunately, he did not take the bait.

I also think this was more of "reaching" on bosses part to either create sour grapes, or create doubt in H's future move.

Frankly I think you are looking too deep into a shallow well.

I still think the NC letters should be sent so I guess I will bring this up in counseling.

Not a bad idea, but they should be matter of fact. They do not need to include anything other then fact. Essentially, he is burning the bridge, but not to any extent that is remotely close to threatening. think of it containing a line like: I know that our relationship was wrong/innappropriate/etc.

Not sure where this leaves me. Time to go back and REread DR again and again

That is a very good idea. Have you done any of the exercises in there? (listmaking/goalsetting/etc?

[T384]

Wounded -

I did not want anything threatening. I just wanted him to state please do not contact me, my wife, etc. The last 6 months have been the biggest mistake of my life. No threatening or anything along those lines just matter of fact.

Is that unrealistic or do you have any tips on what should or could be said

[woundedfool]

Wounded -

I did not want anything threatening. I just wanted him to state please do not contact me, my wife, etc. The last 6 months have been the biggest mistake of my life. No threatening or anything along those lines just matter of fact.

Is that unrealistic or do you have any tips on what should or could be said

***** warning. I have ZERO experience with this, please solicit other opinions (or let my thoughts get critiqued) before sending them.****

Keep subjective emotion type things out of it: doesn't matter if it was the "biggest mistake". Just stick with the bullet points:

I believe our relationship was inappropriate, and was a mistake. Please do not contact me, my wife, or family so we can try to heal and honor our commitment to God. Only he should sign, but you mail it.

The same letter should be sent to father and mother. But keep relationship out of it. (Your probably going to hate this, but...)I think as a matter of courtesy, it would be "nice" for him to actually thank them for the shelter they provided for around 6 months. Regardless of their role in "throwing gas on the fire", they did open their home to him.

All of these should be done after he officially gets his final paycheck.

[labug]

I need a man in my life to stick up for me. I know I will probably get 2x4s for this but I want someone that's going to stick up for me I have been humiliated by H and this family and just once I wanted him to stand up for wanting to be home vs just taking the easy way out of this is our decision.

What does this mean to you?

I think what he said to the boss was very appropriate given the circumstance. He stayed professional and detached. As wounded fool said, he didn't bite when she threw out the hook.

[T384]

I don't honestly know what it means for me

I understand that H responded appropriately and professionally. However I kind of just feel like I want him to stand up to them. I know that is childish on my part and I'm trying to work through my feelings on that. I struggle with wanting them to know that they aren't priority and that this has been a mistake. It bothers me that they think he's coming home because he has no other option.

Cue wounded's famous words - let it go!

[woundedfool]

I struggle with wanting them to know that they aren't priority and that this has been a mistake.

Why do you feel they need to know that they are not a priority.

Even in practice, quitting and sending the NC letters would seem to indicate they have been "bumped" off the priority list.

It bothers me that they think he's coming home because he has no other option.

Of any opinions in the world, why would you desire to have theirs?

Cue wounded's famous words - let it go!

It was the "rat in Orlando" that made them famous... not me

[labug]

I don't honestly know what it means for me

I understand that H responded appropriately and professionally. However I kind of just feel like I want him to stand up to them. I know that is childish on my part and I'm trying to work through my feelings on that. I struggle with wanting them to know that they aren't priority and that this has been a mistake. It bothers me that they think he's coming home because he has no other option.

Cue wounded's famous words - let it go!

And I would echo that.

You have no control of what others think. Your husband could stand on the street corner, tarred and feathered and handing out flyers and people are all going to think different things.

The opinions that matter are yours and your H's.

What are your feelings? That is a good place to start.