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Today has been quiet but I am so glad! Sushi dinner, 2 days at Disneyland, D7's birthday... I needed quiet and space.

Having a glass of viognier on D's last day of summer while she reads her 6th chapter book today. This kid and reading. It's insane. 2nd grade here she comes! How did that happen?

I have an interview tomorrow. I'm eager and excited. I also have a job prospect that seems great but the job description isn't well defined (which scares me because in the past that has meant the list of "other duties as assigned" is excessive and I end up becoming someone's personal assistant), I don't know the pay/benefits package and I'm not sure the commute will mesh into life easily whether I'm married or divorced.

I am purposely not telling H about these interviews/job prospects because I am notorious for making decisions on what is best for the family rather than for ME! I get to do this for ME! It's frightening and awesome at the same time!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Good luck tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Didn't post this on GAL thread, but for me it's been spirituality. Here's a link to a profound biography on the Buddha.

http://video.pbs.org/video/1461557530/

Why did I bring this up? It ties to the whole 'depression' thing. Listen, I'm not minimizing depression. You are talking to someone that has walked through a valley of darkness that was not all a childish ploy. And I'm not doctor or expert, so I appreciate you taking your H's situation seriously.

What I can tell you though is for me it was in my head. And I did blame the M and my STBX. Somehow I thought that if she was a better W and we had a better M I'd be happy. I blamed her for the broken M, hence my unhappiness. But while there are definitely opportunities to grow as a partner, only I am responsible for my happiness. I know this now.

The biggest thing I have done differently since I have been on my own is accepting negative emotions. Read my thread if you want. I used to feel like if I felt bad "something needed to be different". Either externally, or somehow I had to grow. Now I get that it's ok to feel bad at appropriate times. What is wrong is feeling like I must be broken for feeling bad. And as they say, 'sad' is when 'I have a problem', 'depressed' is when I AM a problem. So accepting sad is a big part of avoiding depression for me.

Hope this makes sense. Maybe by being on his own your H will see you're not to blame. And self medicating by spiraling addictions won't work for him either. Seek good help and find the way to keep the door open when he hits rock bottom without becoming co-dependent or enabling him.

BE STRONG AND KEEP IT UP. IT'S NOT FUN BUT IT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT TASK, I'M GLAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU IS HANDLING IT.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Zues,

Thank you for your confidence in me. It really means a lot. I also really appreciate your perspective because I really think it's an insight into my husband's perspective and feelings.

We were so enmeshed that I can totally see how he could think that if I were better at ... everything... he'd be less depressed/angry and more loved/appreciated. I don't necessarily think he's wrong I just don't think I'm the SOLE reason for his depression. I can fix my part and I'm committed to that... but I am not responsible for, nor am I able to fix the part that is his responsibility. His own unhappiness at the root of his core is for HIM to fix and he really CAN do it. I believe in him. I don't know that he does though and that breaks my heart a little.

Thanks for your cheerleading. I need it! Always!

On a separate note, spirituality has REALLY helped me, too. I'll check out your video in a bit.

I downloaded a habit creating app (not to be confused with a habit breaking app) to help me fit in 10 minutes of meditation daily and get in touch with my spirituality. It's something I realy want to continue on in my life with or without H.

Cheers to you, Zues.

Last edited by Ss06; 08/25/14 04:00 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Happy hump day, DBers!!!

Had a session with my coach this morning and a job interview immediately following... What a day!

Feeling motivated and like I'm on a good path.

I killed the job interview! It's tailor made for me and I could tailor it even more. The commute might become a challenge as far as being able to pick up my daughter on time but it might be time to look into a nanny for the afternoons/evenings. Something I should talk to H about but I don't want to mention it until I know if I got the job and hear about compensation.

H is seeming conflicted lately. In fact he said as much last night after putting D7 down for bed. He had tears in his eyes and said, "I miss that". I could tell he meant that he missed being home and putting her to bed. I just nodded and smiled. Then he said, "I'm just feeling conflicted right now." and dawdled around a bit then left for his apartment.

I'm trying not to get too excited over that comment and continue to GAL like crazy, get excited about a possible job offer and upcoming changes in my life.

Today, life is good.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Keep us posted on the job, Ss! Good for you!

My H said the same thing about feeling conflicted, especially as I started making changes, but then pulled back really hard and seemed more sure than ever about his decision. (To which I said, WTH?) Now I'm just riding things out and seeing where it all goes. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but it is really important to not get too excited and continue to do things for you!


Me: 35, H: 37, no kids
Together since 2002, Married since 2007
IDKIILY: 2/2013
MC: 5/2013-6/2014
H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014
I moved out 7/6/14
H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
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Thank you Jacket for the warning. I know that H's "conflictedness" (like my new word?) is possibly just words and perhaps not true feelings BUT I'm choosing to see it as a moment of vulnerability from him and in our marriage, we were never vulnerable with each other. We were afraid to look weak for fear the other would pounce and hurt us. I hate that we were like that so I'm trying to see his vulnerability as a good sign. He didn't have to share that with me. I am choosing to let it be just a sentence but not one wrapped in gold sparkling and shining.

Hang in there, Jacket. You're not alone.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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My favorite part is how our brains immediately and automatically create meanings all over the place. No matter what. Drives me nuts...facial expressions, sighs, accidental bumps, etc...they all seem to mean something in my head, at least for a second. I'm learning to slow my mind down some and take a more objective view of things so I don't get too spun up about every little thing.

Keep after it!


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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Good job ss! You are smart to take the comments for what they were... a brief moment of thoughts. They may change, they may not. Time will tell. Glad to hear about your job interview as well. That has to do wonders for your PMA!!! Let's hope you get it!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Originally Posted By: Joe1981
My favorite part is how our brains immediately and automatically create meanings all over the place. No matter what. Drives me nuts...facial expressions, sighs, accidental bumps, etc...they all seem to mean something in my head, at least for a second. I'm learning to slow my mind down some and take a more objective view of things so I don't get too spun up about every little thing.

Keep after it!


Joe,

YES! I'm actually tired of looking at the tiny little things because the reality is my H is NOT a hint dropper and he's not a hint picker-upper either. The little things with him don't mean anything and I have to keep that in mind. If he skims my arm, it was an accident. Everyone's sitch is different.

I also find myself desperately seeking for signs from the universe as if the whole world is conspiring to communicate with me. I am overthinking and over analyzing everything and it's messing with my head. Gotta stop all that.

Pilot,

Thanks for your encouragement. It simply has not been enough time for him to trust my changes and I know that. I took his words as the universe encouraging me to keep doing what I'm doing. That's all.

My PMA is pretty good. I'd almost say it's solid. The job interview certainly helped but more than anything it's the prospect of being wanted/needed and valued. I haven't felt that professionally in a LONG time. What a great feeling. I wonder if because I haven't gotten that feeling professionally I've been searching for it from H during our marriage and was sorely disappointed. There's only so much wanting/needing and valuing a spouse can give you. The rest has to come from else where or... here's an idea... from WITHIN!!!

Profound stuff folks.

Off to yoga and to connect with the universe and over analyze every song and pose as being a message JUST for me. I'm not self-centered at all. wink


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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