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Maybell #2482578 08/28/14 02:59 AM
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So, your IC is encouraging you to just drop the rope and call it quits? I think that's unfortunate, especially since your H does seem to be reaching out to you in positive ways. (And I totally relate-- I have to constantly remind myself that my IC is not a DB coach, and her advice will be different, so I have to filter everything she says through that lens.)

There's a way to look at his interpretation: it could very well mean that your body is screaming at you to walk away... perhaps in the same way that many of our WAS's see no other option. But there is another part of your brain who knows that there is another option. Our subconscious expresses and processes things-- but that doesn't mean we have to 'listen' to it like a fortune teller.

I like your interpretation, about casting off the anger and resentment, much better. I'm picturing a space shuttle that breaks off from the larger rocket that is no longer useful and is just weighing it down, which then allows the smaller, lighter part to soar even higher and literally explore new worlds.
(Ok, maybe I am stretching that metaphor!)


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2482588 08/28/14 03:14 AM
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Yes, IC has been encouraging me to drop the rope since the last MC appointment. He didn't know about H being in contact with OW at that time. I think my H confuses the IC as much as he confuses me. (He's said so!)

Well, it's a long haul. So I'm off to bed and hoping for a good night's sleep.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2482696 08/28/14 02:25 PM
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My life and my Facebook feed today are full of splitting couples, but a friend (not close at all) at school this morning said she was praying for us and had good feelings that we could work things out. I feel wary and uncertain of what would be the best thing.

But people come back from these things. Can you make happily it to fifty years after something like this?

Does it matter? It isn't even on the table at the moment. One day at a time.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2482714 08/28/14 03:22 PM
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First off, you are a "better" person. You have come a long way.

You have to be willing to see that. We can affirm you but if you don't believe it, it means nothing. ((( )))kill whatever voice that is in your head that keeps you doubting yourself.

Quote:
Is it fun to be together again? Do you enjoy one another? Is any part of it like it was in the beginning, with the butterflies and the thrills? Is it worth the risk and the effort? What do you do with that "I didn't deserve to be treated like this" feeling? Is it possible a WAH could behave in a way that helps to heal the breach of trust?

Yes, it's fun to be together. There are thrills but it's not an everyday occurrence so if you're expecting life to be as it was in the early days of the R, you'll be disappointed.

It's work, as in any R. Is it work everyday? To some extent, yes. I think most of us get here to DB because we weren't working on the R, we bought the message that a "good" R will just happen. Or we were on autopilot, wrapped up in kids and jobs and whatever else life threw at us or we took on. The M was way down on the list. Using our gift of time by figuring out who we are, our boundaries, our worth, makes the work easier. Learning to act from love (if we truly do love our S) and keeping the R first, much like you quoted from another poster, is key.

On some days I miss being footloose, that's when the work is difficult. On those days, I remind myself that there's probably something in my mind that's keeping me stuck, usually one of those "shoulds," I should do this, I should do that, I shouldn't feel _____, he should, he shouldn't...

I take time to figure that out, not just rush off to do something else to distract my mind. I have to take care of my "stuff."

I'm not sure what you mean by risk, so I won't answer that. All life is a risk and filled with uncertainty. I try to accept life on life's terms.

I think the answer to your trust question is, at some point you have to decide you're going to trust him. He'll either be worthy of it or he won't. Again, knowing your boundaries and believing you have a duty to yourself to have boundaries is key.

Maybelle, you're doing great clawing through all this. You're going to emerge from this tunnel into the sunlight.


Last edited by labug; 08/28/14 03:25 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2482719 08/28/14 03:28 PM
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What does drop the rope mean to you? There are different definitions. (the term has spurred a few range wars here, in fact)


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2482721 08/28/14 03:36 PM
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I feel like my support team is at war -- the side that says WALK AWAY, you are worth more than this and he doesn't want you anymore and the side that says STAND, marriage is bigger than just you and it's important to make the effort however things work out. The IC wants me to just walk away and find someone better. (As though there's no risk there!!!)

I don't know what I meant when I said I wish I was a better person. I don't like feeling all that anger, it reminds me too much of how my mother thinks, all resentful and expecting life to give her things when life is so impersonal. It troubles me to be conflicted about being angry for having been mistreated and also wanting to see the good in him. Today I'm in a different place... we've both made mistakes and I'm willing to see him fresh for today.

I do worry about what all this is doing to my kids, and what the effort to save it (if it failed) could do to them as well.

Off to lunch... wish me luck!!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2482730 08/28/14 03:49 PM
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Luck!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2482772 08/28/14 05:32 PM
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OK.

I *think* that if we salvaged this it would be all right.

I don't even know where to start.

He really does just want to see me smile. To know how I am. Maybe to start over. Ish. But not ready yet to talk about it like that. Just to see if there's there there.

Total mind reading, maybe.

It was a relaxed lunch. Sort of. As much as it could be. There was a short moment when he shared something he had done and I asked questions about it and we both smiled and chuckled and it was purely just him and me. It was like this golden little second and our eyes met and I wished I knew how to stretch it out. There were a couple of other tiny moments when we connected but none so good as that one.

Just one moment like that is enough to start. So that's OK.

Nobody talked about dating. Nobody talked about divorce.

Nobody talking about divorce was kind of a big deal because one of his good friends from college announced on Facebook today that she and her H of 16 years have decided to divorce. She made it sound like they'd decided to move to a foreign country, it was that civilized. I'm reasonably sure H saw it. It was a punch in the gut to me even though I've never met her. H and I have been married sixteen years. I hope it was a punch in his gut too because the way people responded to it (even though it was all positive, and many people said they were happily coparenting their kids) it sounded so... icky. So... undesirable. To me, at least.

I do not want to be divorced. I will learn to forgive, I will learn to let go of anger, I will learn to be bigger. It is not worth it to be divorced. I don't know why my gut was screaming that when I saw her post, but it was.

Anyway... It was a short lunch but that's OK. H said he had a good time and was going to keep inviting me out and said "And you can invite me out too." I raised my eyebrows and he said "Really!" I said, OK, I can't tell.

That was as close as we got to R talk and we both shied away from it and hugged goodbye.

There's more... he repeated that I should buy the washer & dryer, he asked me a LOT about the job search, in detail. I asked what was going on with him and he said just work. I said, look at all you've asked me about the job search, do you think you would ask me less about it when I have a job? I am just as interested in you. He said "I know" but didn't offer a whole lot more. However, he did say a little bit more than he'd said when we were living together so that's something.

I think I've figured out what makes me a DB Weeble Wobble... He is my husband. I was committed to him ALWAYS. I may not have done a great job of balancing my needs and his needs and the relationship, I may not always have acted in the best interests of the relationship, but I have committed to him and to the marriage. I see him and I see my husband. The idea of him being anything other than that, or anyone else filling that role for me is inconceivable. I have been profoundly hurt and disappointed by him. I've been and sometimes still am really angry and resentful, and not just for the affair and its aftermath. But he's still my husband.

So I have to balance that truth with my anger and fear and work towards happiness. I'm in such a different place now.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2482802 08/28/14 08:06 PM
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I am soooo Team Maybell! I meant to reply earlier to your "two camps" post. I think everyone here probably has a version of that issue. Pretty much everyone in my life is giving me the "Throw the Bum" out speech. And they tend to fill my head with even darker suspicions. The only one who is super enthusiastic about my efforts to preserve the marriage is my MIL.

I've actually decided to stop venting other than on this forum, because while I appreciate the love and support - I know this undermines my goal - which is that both of us will work on giving the marriage a chance.

I understand the concern about the kids being in limbo though. Personally, I've decided to give it a full year, and if there is no forward momentum (assuming there is no D in that time), I might have to take action myself.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
raliced #2482835 08/28/14 09:32 PM
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Maybell said:
"I think I've figured out what makes me a DB Weeble Wobble... He is my husband.
"I was committed to him ALWAYS. ...I see him and I see my husband."

"The idea of him being anything other than that, or anyone else filling that role for me is inconceivable."

"I have been profoundly hurt and disappointed by him."
"I've been and sometimes still am really angry and resentful, and not just for the affair and its aftermath."

"But he's still my husband."

-----------------------------------------------

Maybell, this is exactly how I feel!

It's hard to wrap my head around how MY HUSBAND can be doing this, acting this way, so detached and uncaring towards me, so much not the man I married.

No one seems to get this.
My well-meaning friends can't resist giving me unsolicited "advice", which is always some version of, "you know, you just need to let him go/move on/start a new life/give up.... people just grow apart/fall out of love/want different things in life..."

They don't understand that he's not acting like himself, that he's depressed, acting out, has had a bad personality transplant.
They want to "explain" to me WHY he's made this "decision".
He's not in a MLC, they don't "believe in it" (until it happens to them!)
They think he's just one of these people who has made a decision to change his life because of some rational thought process.

You can bet they don't ever foresee THEIR husbands doing this to them!
(I never thought it could happen to me, either.)

Of course, this does not jive with what they know of me, and how my husband could be as miserable with me as he states... but "he just doesn't love you anymore, you need to accept it so you can end your pain..."

Like these are "reasons why" it's just best to cut your losses.

But I believe that the above "reasons" for why marriages die are just EXCUSES.

They're based on feelings, not facts. Feelings change.
You were "in love" once. You can be again.
It takes WORK.
---------------------------------------
Our H's seem to have this idea that there's this shiny new life awaiting them where the perfect SOULMATE will appear, (or has appeared.)

They will always feel "in love" and no one will ever have do any work, be unhappy, ever have to say they're sorry.
They will read each other's minds and agree about everything, so they'll never have to resolve conflicts.
There won't BE ANY. Because they're "meant for each other."

It will be rainbows and gumdrops and awesome sex on all channels, all the time. They'll never get sick, never get old, never fart... and it they do, a Unicorn will pop out and sing "The Rainbow Connection" song!

We know this is a fantasy, because here we are, loving and fighting for people who we know to be operating on less than all cylinders, and--I don't know about you, Maybell--- but I wouldn't exactly describe myself as "in love" with GUBU at the moment!

Do I love him? Sure.
"In love". Not hardly.
That involves an element of illusion that I no longer have access to.
I've seen the truth, and the truth is ugly.

The truth hurts.

It will never be the same.

But as you said. You look at him, and he's your HUSBAND.
It's incomprehensible.
-------------------------------

Anyhow, at least you're having lunch with your H. That's a big thing!

(Apologies for the venting hijack...)

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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