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twinmom Offline OP
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H just sent me a text asking if I have his wedding band......

Odd random question huh? I have to talk to him about next Friday/Saturday so I guess I will just wait and answer that question when I decide to call him later.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Wondering if H has read DB... (sarcasm)
Today he comes over to spend time with the kids, I went to take a hit bath and relax. He knocks on the door and asks if there is anything he can do around the house to help me out. He tells me "I know you won't believe anything I say so I want my actions to show you how sorry I am and that I will do whatever it takes to make you happy"

I just told him right now a hot bath and a nap are heaven on earth....... so I finished my bath, took a nap and now I am running errands while H gives the kids a bath and then puts them to bed.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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twinmom Offline OP
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Just kind of need to vent/whine....

I am tired, like "shouldn't operate heavy machinery" kind of tired....
I don't WANT to do this alone, I know I need to make H prove himself and work through his own issues but damn by the time he does that Lilly will be sleeping through the night.

And right now I am feeling a lot of resentment and anger. Anyone have advice on how to let this go as I know it's not productive in any way.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Michele has a really good article about forgiveness here. I find it helpful. You must really be so exhausted. I can't imagine having so many little kids running around and still having my sanity. My second (and last daughter) was incredibly colicky. I almost didn't survive it. The fact that you really are managing says much about you. I would let/make H help more. I know you want him to right his ship, but in the meantime, I would get all the help I could.

Last edited by unbidden; 08/28/14 02:42 AM.
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How does one find the forgiveness article?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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twinmom,

I definitely do NOT have as many children as you do but when my daughter was born she was extremely difficult. Wouldn't sleep, was always cranky when she was awake, inconsolable, needed constant movement and was just HARD (she is 7 and often does not sleep through the night STILL). H escaped to work when she was 2 weeks old. I had PPD, was unable to breastfeed and was dealing with SEVERE sleep deprivation and he went MIA. He wasn't around during her hardest years and then criticized the way I handled the difficulty. He'd go to hotels to get good sleep because he "had to work" and I didn't get three consecutive hours of sleep for almost 3 years.

I'm STILL bitter. He honestly does not see why that hurts me so much.

It's hard but try not to keep score. I'd be more upset that he's missing out on some adorable and important times with her but that speaks more about him than anything else.

Doing what you're doing alone is HARD. Get help. Pay for it if you have to. You deserve a partner and physical support.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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twinmom Offline OP
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The "issue" is H WANTS to be here I am the one not allowing that and refusing to even see/talk to him most days.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Posts: 659
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Here is the Forgiveness article posted on this site --

Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself
By Michele Weiner-Davis

Are you someone who walks around feeling angry with your spouse or loved one much of the time? Do you have a little inner voice that constantly reminds you of all of his or her wrongdoings? Have you become expert at remembering all the minute details of past injustices just so that you can keep score? If this describes you at all, you better read what I'm about to say and take it to heart.

Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner's insensitive behavior, you still are miserable. When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can't feel joy because you're too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.

In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not "give in." To you, giving in means forgiving, letting go, making peace. To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul. So, you keep your distance. You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you've drawn. And though the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma.

I have worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their relationships. And yet, when they're offered the tools, they can't seem to move forward. These are the couples who, instead of finding effective ways to get beyond blame, continue to repeat their mantra, "Our problems are your fault and you must pay." As long as they maintain this mindset, they are doomed to failure. How very sad. Even sadder are their children who, on a day-by-day basis observe their parents being "right" but "miserable." What lessons are they learning about love?

If any of this strikes a chord with you (and you wouldn't be reading this if it didn't), you need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and connection. It makes you feel whole. Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.

"All this sounds good," you tell yourself, "but how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?" Good question. You don't! Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner. But what will happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade. You will feel happier, lighter, more loving. And these renewed positive feelings won't go unnoticed. Others will be drawn to you.

Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn't a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn't easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future.

So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace. Make up. Make love. I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind's eye at the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.

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twinmom, I get that you are the one keeping your H away. My point was that you should revisit that decision, if only to get more help from him.

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Unbidden, I want to but I am scared of "letting him back too easy" and the changes he seems to be making stop.

Thank you for posting mwd advice on forgiveness, I need to read this daily. Maybe if I allowed him here and therefore would be giving me a lot more help I might not be so bitter?

I am so torn, do I commit to the marriage or tell him he is basically the in home nanny (again) but with me being the one not working on the marriage?

Ugh, this is too much to think about. I just want a normal boring life again!

And if I do agree to working on the marriage sooner (due to sleep deprivation) I need advice..... do I let him see me emotional and tell him how I feel or do I continue DB'ing and keep things light? Even even he was living here but not working on the marriage I would try and keep things light and easy and then every now and then would blow up.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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