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Hoju Offline OP
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Thanks MrBond, I see how I was letting fear dictate my actions. I'm still really scared but I can't show that. You're right the hail mary pass wont work anyway and can only serve to make things worse (I think I already knew this deep down). I will proceed with selling the house as planned and continuing on with my life with out W.

Thanks bdub, I am currently read DR now hope to get time to finish it tomorrow, apparently GAL is so demanding I haven't left myself anytime to actually read lol. Your words "what you feel today is not what you will feel tomorrow" truely helped me through one of my weak days. I feel much better today and am actually excited to spend the night with some friends. I've made my decision about the house for me because it's what I want and what has to happen, free and clear of any emotionally rash thinking from yesterday.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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MrBond, When you have a moment, could you drop by my thread? I really need your sage words of wisdom. TKs.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
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Hoju Offline OP
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Update: Started reading DR about half way through.

W came into my room and started talking about our relationship looking for justification. I tried to continue to validate her while venting a bit of my own frustrations and letting her know how I felt. After I felt myself getting emotional and her seeming refusal to leave even though the conversation was clearly not going anywhere I excused myself for a run and she stormed off and closed her room door. When I got back I apologized for leaving and simply told her I started to feel emotional and needed a bit of time to cool off. We talked a bit more and she is still seeking justification for her actions and has no interest in R. I assume this was another cheeseless tunnel I will monitor her actions for the next few days to make sure. On the bright side I got to vent a bit and hopefully plant some seeds that may make her realize I've learned so much from this.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
Hoju our bomb dropping and EA confirming happened on the same day. We are going through a lot of the same things right now. I have good days and bad days. Days of sadness, fear, anger, anxiousness and helplessness. The occasional good day has popped in. Check out my sitch and keep in touch, I think we can help each other.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
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Hoju Offline OP
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Posts: 149
Thanks bdub, yes she told me there was someone else the day she told me she no longer loved me and wanted out. I had to confront her about what was wrong as she had been acting off and distant for a couple weeks. I'm going to go read your sitch now.

In other news I backslid hard on monday night, she started pressing for the sale of the house and out of fear of this becoming permanent i started up my old convincing ways again. I said a lot of things I shouldn't have mostly about guilting her for the OM. On the bright side I feel my detachment is complete, I've said my piece and understand fully there is nothing I can say (or probably do at this point) that will fix this.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
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Offline
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
The hardest part about all of this is you have to forget about the OM. I know, its almost impossible. I need some vets to back me up on this one. Don't snoop, spy or ask questions. It will only push her away. I'm telling you the day after I stopped snooping I felt SO much better. It will take a little while to convince yourself. Just think that unless she specifically tells you shes going to see OM or talk with OM, there are tons of other friends and family that she could be seeing or talking with. You have to convince yourself of this or you will go crazy and you will not be able to DB.
It may help you to set up some boundaries to protect yourself too. I am horrible with boundaries but I have managed to get her to agree to no phone calls to or from him on our property and he is not to ever be at our house. Before you try to set boundaries do your research. If its not done exactly right, setting boundaries sounds controlling and manipulative. Trust me on that, I have failed miserably with boundaries.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
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Hoju Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
Thanks bdub, I read your sitch and ours are very similar. One of your recent posts about "ships passing in the night" and not being able to 180 emotional closeness really hit home.

I had been so good about ignoring the OM until I blew it all a couple nights ago. The fact he was in the picture and if it's who I think it is the fact he shared a cigar with me on our wedding day made me actually sick but I was always able to keep it in. As long as she thinks there is a future for them I can't see her wanting to work on our marriage which hurts the most, especially since I've always been the one to sacrifice things to try and make her happy.

I'm not sure how to set boundaries or what boundaries are needed, she doesn't talk about him or where she is going. It's always just down to business of how quickly she can get out and on with her life.

Maybe you can help with an issue i've been having. Often on sunday nights she will come to my room when i'm reading in bed and want to talk about us and see how i'm handling things. I try my best to validate her but then she wont leave and i feel pretty silly getting up after i'm already down for the night. How do i end the conversation without sounding dismissive?


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
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Joined: Aug 2014
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Hoju,
Stop doing the same old thing. In our R we almost always talked at night, lying in bed. Just recently I figured out that is a very dangerous thing. Its an emotional place, and the timing is bad because you have "shut down" for the night. We now go outside (we live on a few hundred acre farm) and sit and talk. Since we changed locations we have not had a single major blow up. When emotional topics arise we seem to be able to handle them better. Also, I don't think there is a thing wrong with stopping the conversation. I have said " I'm sorry but I cannot continue to participate in this conversation productively. If we continue my anger/emotion will get the best of me and we will end up blowing up. We can finish addressing this issue at xxx time."


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
H
Hoju Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
Thanks bdub i've tried to make sure our talks don't happen in the bed room. While there is less emotion on her end I do feel our talks have become more cold and direct.

More and more people are starting to find out and the more that do the more support i've been getting. I know it's dangerous to seek support from friends and family as they will always tell you what you want to hear. However all this new support has started to turn my love into anger towards her. How could someone be so self centred? How could someone be so cruel? How could the same person who marriage was so important to, spit in its face after only 2 short years?

I want to save my marriage and i do love my wife but all this anger and hurt building up inside has become increasingly difficult to deal with. Anyone have advice on how to stop/control these feelings?


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
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Member
Offline
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
Hoju, I just went through this exact thing. Often times the people you talk with are more angry than you are. Just remember you have chosen to DB and to stand for your marriage. One particular close friend of mine is very pro marriage he gets so worked up when we talk. I found it is helpful to become angry actually. Go ahead and get angry and release it PRODUCTIVELY. Excersise, do physical labor, go out on a secluded road and yell and scream all you want. Get that anger out, you will feel a LOT better. I actually grabbed a hammer and a dozen nails and found some lumber. I pounded the nails in the wood, pulled them out and drove them in again. I hope this helps!


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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