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You have to stop worrying about if things will get uglier, you know they will. You have to stop letting it control and consume you.

Has there been and legal order on where your daughter will live? If not then I suggest your daughter at 14 tears old will have some input into the decision. I agree that you should tell her she has the right to be part of the decision on where she wants to go to school. Things will get ugly if she chooses you and the local public school over mom and her school. Don't let that fear control you or your support of your daughter. I would talk to your lawyer right away and see what you need to do to support your daughter if she makes this decision to move back with you. Be prepared and informed.


Matt,

I really like what Life says here ^^^^^^^^

I know you come here to vent...we all do. It's a safe place to unload.

At the same time, when I read your posts, I envision this little bird being blown away in a storm. It's like you are a feather and your W is this hurricane blowing you all willy-nilly.

What's upsetting to me is that your D really needs you right now to be the foundation in the storm...the unmoving, deeply rooted foundation that she can count on when the winds blow. Maybe you aren't presenting the full picture here because of the vent. IDK. But, I've been that kid blowing in the wind. It's a scary place to be.

W is insane. She just is. In almost every post, you spend the majority of your energy describing her insanity, how she is insane, how she will likely continue to be insane, etc...It's serving no purpose in solving the issues that come up.

In every post, we could sum up by saying..."W is crazy right now. She might always be crazy. She is a terrible parent and sorta terrible person. She may always be this way."

Knowing this ^^^^^^ Accepting this as truth ^^^^^^^ Finish the statement with a set of potential actions. What can you DO to protect yourself, stand up for yourself, stand up for D14???

What ACTIONS can you TAKE???

W is crazy right now. She might always be crazy. She is a terrible parent and sorta terrible person. She may always be this way. This truth is challenging, scary and overwhelming....BUT, I have power. I can protect D14 and myself by _____________________________________________

-Calling my attorney and meeting to explore options
-Inviting D14 out to dinner so we can quietly talk and I can get a better picture of her emotional state
-Insist that D14 gets counseling
-Consult with attorney about what COULD happen if I insist D14 moves back in with me
-See a counselor myself to work through the anger and feelings of powerlessness
-Read a book on parenting kids through divorce
-Join a divorce group....


The point is...There are endless actions you can take to empower yourself. I'm sure you have taken some already and haven't posted them.

But, let me reiterate...IT IS VITAL THAT YOU GET YOUR OWN SHID TOGETHER AND BECOME THE FIRM FOUNDATION D14 NEEDS RIGHT NOW. LET HER VENT. ALLOW HER TO COME TO HER OWN CONCLUSIONS ABOUT HER MOM. LEAD THE WAY MATT.

Sorry to be so harsh...but, I'm sure you will return the favor at some point :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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It's OK Heather, I don't mind "harsh".
I've done some of those things. My lawyer told me that unless my D14 tells the court that she wants to live with me, there is nothing I can do about keeping her with me. Unless I can prove my W is crack head AND smoking it with my D, the court will give HER custody or at best 50/50 split. Just how it works in my state. I have spoken to her about it and she insisted that she wanted to try 50/50 and this school. I know it was because of what my W was telling her. She has been manipulating D14 from the moment she moved. I have read numerous articles on the web about parenting through D. The thin is, because my W insists that D has no negative effect on kids, she refuses to listen and tries to constantly say that i'm over reacting! I'm trying my best to keep things even, the one time I just asked my W about a clock in front of my kids and she made a scene that really upset both my kids (and my W's best friend for that matter). If you could have seen the look on her face...it was why I stopped and told my W to just leave!

I live in a smallish town a very "country" area. I have tried to find a D group and there just aren't any! Not even any Meetup groups with D themes. I know it sounds like I'm not doing anything but I'm doing what I can. If I try and get custody without my D14 saying that she wants to live with me, my W could try and limit my time with my D14 if I fail and the way the courts work around here, she may just win.

I have to get ready for picking my D up and work, so I have to go for now. Thanks Heather. Don't worry about being too harsh. I'm sure I need that at times!

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No! I don't get the impression at all that you are doing nothing! Really. I get impression that you expending a lot of energy looking at the insanity of the situation as opposed to making yourself sane.

Keep up the Good Fight Matt. YOU can do this!!

There's a gospel song I love, love, love..."I'm not Tired Yet." It's on Youtube with the Mississippi Mass Choir.

Keep going, keep running, keep being there for your D, keep believing that tomorrow is better than today, trust this is for a reason, keep encouraging your D and telling her she can handle it!!! She can. Trust she has what it takes to figure things out, let her know that you have her back...Remind her that anytime she needs to move home, switch to the other school, do WHATEVER it is she needs...YOU WILL HAVE HER BACK.

Trouble is an incubator for greatness. Don't pray the storm away.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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Hi Matt,

Sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees. You wrote," I have spoken to her about it and she insisted that she wanted to try 50/50 and this school." She will have a full week of school. You can ask her how she feels now. You can offer her the option of still doing the 50/50 split but with her trying the local public school in your town. Tell her what ever decision she makes, you will always be there for her.

If your daughter says she wants to go back with you and go to the local public school I would talk to your lawyer about getting some temporary orders in place till the divorce is finalized. Get this started before you move your daughter to the local school. this way you will show you are trying to support your daughter while also doing it legally in a way that you wife can't snatch your daughter back to her place.

You need to start pushing what you feel is right and not get blown around by your wife. You need to steer your ship and not let her do it. You need to let go of your marriage without anger. The anger is what will keep pulling you back into her storm. Blame the depression for her actions and get angry at it. At least you know it is a disease that is out of control within your wife right now. Focus on that and not the person.


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Thanks Heather and LT,
Picked up D14 today and took her to school. She was still upset and I told her that she doesn't HAVE to keep going to this school. I told her that I will do whatever I can to help her whether she stays at this school or wants to move to another school. She said that it was "too late" (I'm sure that is what her mother is telling her). I explained that people move all the time and it's still really early. I am starting to get an idea of what her mother is telling her from her responses! She said "Well it will just be the same at any school" I told her that if she went To X or Y schools, she would at least know some people there and have friends that go there. She said that's true. She also seems to think that if she were to go to a different school she couldn't stay with her mother. Again, I'm sure what her mom has told her is that the other schools are "too far away" and that she wouldn't be "able" to take her which is ridiculous since I will be having to drive her 30 miles when she stays with me! I explained this to her saying that all the other schools are in the same direction as her mothers work and she would just as easily be able to take her as I am able to take her when she's with me. I'm not sure about this yet but from the way my D is acting, my W may be telling her that if she doesn't go to this school she won't be able to stay with her during the week at all. (Not sure of this just yet, it is just something I'm getting from her expressions and responses)

While at the house I noticed a bunch of forms from all my D's teachers about how to contact them and about the class, etc. They were addressed to "parent or guardian". I am her parent! I should be getting all those forms as well! My W should be making sure I get copies and if she won't I will need to contact the school to make sure my D gets two of everything so I can get copies! I took pictures of them while I was there so I can get the info at least.

I noticed that my W had a bunch of photos put up around her house. All of them were her father and his wife or the kids. She had just one picture of her mother, the woman who raised her without her father. Here is the man until very recently didn't give a rat's butt about her and now she is totally obsessed with both him and his wife...the woman who broke up her family! Who was having sex with her father while pretending to be friends with her mother AND her! While I was looking at them I asked my d if there were any pictures of my MIL or her side of family. My D rolled her eyes and said her mom has been going around calling her dad's wife "mom" and telling people that her "mother told her", when D14 asked if she meant my MIL she said "no, not Ne-Ne, "____"(name of dad's wife). My d said "If Ne-Ne knew that she was doing that she would be so upset!".
More indication that my w is trying to "replay" her late teen years, this time with her dad in her life and "caring" about her! Well, that's her chit. Just something that I now understand is the driving force behind her MLC journey. I really believe that very little of what drove my W into her MLC had anything to do with me or her M. She has always felt she missed out on having a father in her life and when her father was diagnosed with cancer and told her that he wanted to "make up" for all the bad he had done her, she felt she had another chance. She wanted it enough to allow him to set the terms (just her, no husband). I think what drove her into her depression was when he first said this it was no husband, no kids. He was smart enough to drop the kids out of the equation when she started her MLC and to her, if she could have her father in her life it was worth losing her M. Not that any of this matters. Knowing why doesn't help, especially when the why is something I have zero control over. It's such a shame that a person as selfish and evil as my FIL is able to get what he wants from his biggest victim...very sad.

I know that as long as my W knows that, when it comes to my D's, I will do whatever I can for them. That she knows she can blow off her responsibilities towards our d's and that I will come to the rescue, she will just keep doing what she has. That is she wants custody but doesn't want the fact that she has her D to stop her from doing what she wants or have any impact on her work. She doesn't want to have to do the work that comes along with having a teenager, to deal with the school when things come up, to take her places, schedule around the things that she needs to do for her (like when she goes into work), to deal with the fact that our D is in pain because of her choices. No, she just thinks D14 should get over it. I feel like I'm allowing her to still have the benefits of having a H to "help" her when she needs it but none of the responsibilities of actually being married! I need to find a way to be there for my D but not enable my W to just not take care of her share of the responsibilities of raising her. This is my dilemma. I do know that if my W's attitude of telling my d14 to just "buck up" and get over it, or minimizing the pain she is in because she doesn't want to deal with the guilt that comes with knowing that she caused much of that pain continues, it is not going to help my D deal with things and could cause her to act out or become depressed or any number of things! I am starting to think that my D may be helped by some IC. This morning as I was taking her to school she complained about feeling "sick" and not wanting to go. Of course she feels sick, she hates going there and knows she is in for another day of feeling lonely and left out and over-whelmed. Whether she needs IC or not I'm not sure but I am sure the way to handle it isn't telling her to just get over it like my W is doing!

All I can do at this point is be there for my D14 (and my D19 for that matter). To make sure they both know I am here for them and won't just blow off or minimize their feelings. To make sure I stay sane through all the chit I'm going trough from the D to the IRS to my job worries to GALing (which I haven't been doing a good enough job with the last couple weeks!). The reality is that my W has become a teenager with the power to really mess with my D's lives and while that stinks and all, it's what is and I must find a way to deal with it.

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Matt,

My W should be making sure I get copies and if she won't I will need to contact the school to make sure my D gets two of everything so I can get copies!

No. She is not responsible for documents getting to you. You are responsible in reaching out to the school and inform them to include you in their mailings. It is up to you to determine how involved you want to be with D14's school, teachers and administrators.

Have you thought about calling the private school and explore options for D14? I know that private schools set aside scholarship/funds for students with low income to attend the school.


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Have you thought about calling the private school and explore options for D14? I know that private schools set aside scholarship/funds for students with low income to attend the school.


When our neighbor lost his job, the private school the kids attended allowed them to continue on at a reduced rate...$6,000 per child marked down to $350 for both children...for the year.

It's worth asking.


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Hi Wonka,
These aren't mailed things that I'm talking about. These are things that are handed out in class. And when I said "..so "she" could get them to me..." I meant my D14 when she comes to stay with me, sorry I wasn't more clear.

I'm spending the day today trying to figure out why they put my D into Algebra I again and not geometry like she originally had until some whiz at the school asked if she had taken a TAKS test (state tests here in TX taken in certain grades). She didn't but took the private school equivalent (CTEP) and was in 80% in math compared to public school kids (did better than more than 80% of public school kids) so she is qualified to take geometry! At the same time I'm going to try and find out how I can be kept in the loop with everything that goes on as well as her mother. I planned on making copies of everything she brings home when she stays with me to give to her mother. When I asked my W to do the same she refused.

As for the private school, I still need to pay off part of my oldest D's tuition from last year! When my W left I could no longer use all the funds from my job (if she hadn't left it would be paid off). I had planned to use our tax refund but that is being held by IRS because of audit and it's looking less and less like I'll be getting anything back at all and will most likely owe a bunch! So, until I can get that paid off my hands are tied with that school. Reality is that if my W hadn't left it would be done. So sad but of course nothing that I can change and now that my W's attitude is that even if we could afford it, she doesn't WANT to pay for her school anymore (she said she wants to save for her "retirement", she's only 47 and has a 401K but not enough I suppose) I would need to force her through the court to pay her part or find a way to pay the total cost myself. Like I said, she has totally stopped thinking of what's best for D14 if it in any way "puts her out".

Since this is first week, I'm only now starting to find out just what I need to do to stay involved more. I'm learning just what my W is willing to do (not much) and what I will need to do. I just have to keep up as I find things out.

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Since this is first week, I'm only now starting to find out just what I need to do to stay involved more. I'm learning just what my W is willing to do (not much) and what I will need to do. I just have to keep up as I find things out.
Yep, that's part of it, Matt.
Schools are well versed in broken families. They see a lot of this type of stuff and have allocations made for it. I went through the same stuff.

Part of this, and only part of it, is that your family is learning what the actions are associated with breaking up. They take time to learn and adjust. There will be more, but you will handle them appropriately. It's in your nature.

That said, just be on the lookout for your W crossing the line, like she did with the screwdriver. Develop a rule for dealing with things as they arise, such as if it helps D, then let it be. Evaluate that carefully and dispassionately.

It'll help you to not go crazy with anger toward your W. She's not the person you knew and has no way nor intention of doing things that you think are appropriate. That's a given. The question that will come up is how you are going to handle things and how they will affect your daughters in the long-term. Everything else is just noise, Matt. Stop being surprised by your W's actions and expect them to be like this. Expect them to be self-centered. Expect her to try and get the kids on her "side" and to be harsh with you if they won't go along with it. You can handle that. Don't try to shield the kids from your W's actions - rather help them process it and get through it.

I can tell you that even all these years later, my ex and now her H are still trying to pick fights, favor one child over the other, etc. Some will "wake up" but many don't. So the question becomes how YOU are going to handle things.

Let the small stuff get to you and you will get worn down. You will cause more damage than not. You'll bring unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Keep doing what your doing, but stop letting it get to you. That's a conscious effort you need to make. It doesn't just happen unless you're nuts-o. smile

AJ


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yay for movement on the geometry front! That's great news!

I just wanted to make an observation about your W... one perhaps you've already made.

I think a lot of women struggle with knowing the difference between self-care and what your wife is doing which is not giving to anyone so she can care for herself. These are two VERY different concepts but fed up people sometimes get them confused. Self-care is our responsibility so we can take responsibility and fill our own wells so we can continue to give. The other is selfish and devastating to children (and spouses, clearly) and gives the impression that the only person who matters is the one who doesnt' care anymore. I think your W *thinks* she's taking care of herself in a healthy self-care kind of way but she's missed the point entirely. She's emotionally abandoning her children and a part of me feels like she's not seeing that like she should. That's frustrating for sure.

Keep being the involved and in-the-know dad. Keep communicating well with your kids and being grounded. Your kids need that a lot.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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