Hi 2B, Good question! Up until recently I would have said yes without another thought. But as the "stuff" she has been doing keeps piling up and the way she doesn't seem to think that anything she has done is at all hurting ANYONE, how she can't see that D14 is hurting badly, I'm not at all sure if I could ever trust her again. She would have to accept responsibility for her actions and at least acknowledge that she was wrong to do many of them. I don't mean that she would have to say so right away or come to me contrite or anything like that. I understand it would happen over time but she hasn't slowed down at all and seems to be getting worse. So, the answer is maybe. If she could at least begin to understand that the answers to her "happiness" problems lie not outside but within HER, then I would be willing to try.
Go Dark/Dim on your W, I would only respond to things that involved your D's or business type things. I think this will be better for you and maybe your M to let your W work out things on her own.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
But as the "stuff" she has been doing keeps piling up and the way she doesn't seem to think that anything she has done is at all hurting ANYONE, how she can't see that D14 is hurting badly, I'm not at all sure if I could ever trust her again. She would have to accept responsibility for her actions and at least acknowledge that she was wrong to do many of them. I don't mean that she would have to say so right away or come to me contrite or anything like that. I understand it would happen over time but she hasn't slowed down at all and seems to be getting worse. So, the answer is maybe. If she could at least begin to understand that the answers to her "happiness" problems lie not outside but within HER, then I would be willing to try.
It may NEVER happen. What do you think of this possibility?
I guess the thing that bothers me most is how out of control I feel
While you're thinking about Wonka's question, let me ask you another - what are YOU going to do about that feeling?
While you mull those over, think about this - your W left. You didn't get a choice in that. She left but isn't "leaving" per se. You're trying to rationally deal with an irrational person. You feel out of control. Hmmmm...
As for your daughters. It's not uncommon for somebody like your W to favor one of the daughters. Usually the one that doesn't give her as much grief about her choices. Unless they both do, she'll favor one of them. It is what it is, Matt.
Rationally dealing with an irrational person. That should be interesting, no?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm sorry you are in a difficult spot. Things WILL get better. That must be difficult for D14. Many changes for her. It is a transition so just support her and remind her that you and her mom love her very much.
Rational.... I know I've written this on these boards several times. However, just for reference I will repeat again. Post BD, my h was sobbing uncontrollably and said he " had no idea how I could function being so rational." Like that was a bad thing. Statement says a great deal. Your w is the same. Don't engage. Take care of yourself and don't worry about whether your W will resent you for taking care of yourself in the D. That's her deal.
Hang in there. Work through those feelings. You can get to a really good place:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks everyone, To answer your question, Wonka about her never being able to start to act in a rational way, to understand the consequences of her actions, I know that is probably more apt to happen than for her to suddenly start to question her actions. I have come to realize that the greatest probable outcome to my sitch is that my W will never be able to deal. I have seen her not able to deal with her emotions since she became depressed years ago. She has no coping skills and stopped being a caring mother long ago. So, I doubt that reconciliation with my W, even just as friends, will ever happen. If what she is doing to her own kids has no effect on her, nothing she has done in regards to me and our M will for sure. She made her choice, to leave her family and M (even as far as changing her last name back to her maiden name after 21 years) and that is that. She questioned her decision until her father came into the picture and told her that she was doing the "right" thing and that gave her the backing she needed from someone else to just go ahead and damn the consequences.
I just got off the phone with my D14. She was crying and telling me how much she hates the school, how she wishes she had gone to the public school here since she would know at least a few people (W refused to even talk about her going here. She insisted that D14 go to the school there near where she lives now). She is angry at her mom for telling her that the kids in this school are "so friendly" (what a friend of her's from work told her who's D goes to school there) how she knows no one and everyone else knows other kids already and won't even talk to her. I did my best to calm her down, tell her that things will get better. I told her about how hard it was when I went to HS and how at first, all the kids are nervous as they are going from middle school to HS and at first they will "cling" to people they know but as things get "normal" they will be more willing to make new friends also. I think it helped somewhat. Now, what she asked me next I can't believe....my W knows that D14 is really upset, that she doesn't like walking alone to school and needs as much support as possible. My D told me that her mother "can't" take her to school in the morning because she has to go to work early (she lives 5 min. from the school by car and D needs to be dropped off at 8:00 AM, how early does she "need" to be at work and why would she not make sure for at least the first week that she could take D to school?) so my D14 asked if I would come and pick her up! 3 days of school so far and now I'm going to be taking my D 2 out of those days when she is supposed to be the one with custody of her this week! Now that there is no bus, I am so sure that this is going to keep happening! My W just can't think of anyone else's pain. While D14 was on the phone with me crying I heard my W in the background yelling at her that she was being "ridiculous" and very non-supportive. How can she not see that all the bad things that our D has had happen (including her parents getting a D!), how she has lost her sister, her friends, the only home she has ever known. That she now has to bounce back and forth between us and live in two places. These things would be hard on an adult! Why can't my W just understand that our D is hurting and needs as much support as possible? Instead she tells her she's "wrong" to feel the way she does. That she is being ridiculous because her whole world has been turned upside down and all because of W's choices!
The fears that I have had about how my W would treat my D14, how she wouldn't put her ahead of her work and the things SHE wants are already starting to happen! This is why I wanted to wait until D14 was in school for a while before deciding on custody. I had a feeling that she was going to act this way. Now you know why I am so worried about my D being in my W's custody! This is just the first few days and her answer to her 14 year old being upset is "just shut up and handle it"! This from the woman who was suicidal just 9 months ago. What do you think she would have thought if I had just said to her that she was being ridiculous and "get over it"? MLC makes these WAS's such narcissists! She wants everyone to care about her "bad feelings" and unhappiness but when her D, with good reason, is upset, the answer is to tell her she's "wrong" to feel that way? Who is that person in my W's body? Whoever it is, I sure don't like her and I doubt most sane people would either!
I'm sorry your D is hurting...I'm sorry you are hurting.
I don't see anything wrong with reminding your D that she has choices. You don't need to belabor it or put down her mom...but, maybe just remind her that she can choose the school that fits best for her. Part of becoming a grown up is learning how to make decisions that work for YOU.
When things feel bleak, it always helps me to know that I have choices. The choices don't have to be huge...but, just to realize that I do have some control and I can take some sort of action to improve my situation.
Maybe, ask her, "So, you don't like this school. What do you want to do about this situation? Do you want to give this another month? Switch over to the other school? Join some group or something to make friends?"
You may be surprised at the great ideas she has herself. As long as you focus on the fact she CAN handle this...as opposed to her being a victim in all of this...she will feel empowered to improve her circumstances. And, that is a HUGE lesson to learn in life.
If this girl is living with a woman who was suicidal 9 months ago, she will NEED to learn some good coping skills...she needs to understand she is NOT responsible for her mom's happiness. IF D would be happier in another school, empower her to make some decisions for herself. Sounds like she feels really torn about hurting your wife...and, if she was suicidal...that makes a lot of sense...what kid wants to feel like she may be responsible for sending her mom into a vortex of despair? Sounds like she could use another set of objective ears...a counselor?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks Heather, I think my D has been going along with what her mom has been telling her, hoping that she would "wake up" and start acting like her mom again. She was shocked when she found out her mom filed as my W only told her she was needing to leave because "this place is unhappy". She didn't understand that her mom was not just wanting to get away but end the family as well. When she has talked to her friends whose parents were D'd, they tell her how their parents fought all the time or that mom or dad met someone else and my D hasn't seen any of that. It was just that her mom just decided she wanted to end things just because she wasn't "happy". She doesn't understand why her mom is doing what she is. She knows how hard I tried to keep our M, how I was willing to try and can't understand why her mom would just walk away.
I think telling her she has choices may be a very good thing. I do know that her mother will fight me if she were to decide she wanted to go to another school. Her mother wants what she wants and really doesn't seem to care about what's best for our D. My W acts out if she doesn't get her way completely anymore and it will be ugly for sure if my D were to tell her she wants to go to a different school. My W has convinced herself that this school is better than the others because she has a friend whose D goes there and does well. That's all the "proof" she needs because it matches what she wants (to live where her friends do). I really can't see my W being able to accept anything but what SHE wants. (He//, look how she acted about a clock!).
I'm going to talk to my D tomorrow and let her know she does have choices. I just hope that things don't get uglier.
You have to stop worrying about if things will get uglier, you know they will. You have to stop letting it control and consume you.
Has there been and legal order on where your daughter will live? If not then I suggest your daughter at 14 tears old will have some input into the decision. I agree that you should tell her she has the right to be part of the decision on where she wants to go to school. Things will get ugly if she chooses you and the local public school over mom and her school. Don't let that fear control you or your support of your daughter. I would talk to your lawyer right away and see what you need to do to support your daughter if she makes this decision to move back with you. Be prepared and informed.
My wife moved a mile down the road into an apartment complex in the same town. My youngest daughter could live with her and still go to the same school. She gave it a try up to the point my wife tried to commit suicide. She has been back in her home since. She has the option of moving back in with her mom. I have encouraged her to spend more time with her mother this summer. She finally told me that she did not want to stay more than two nights a week in the apartment. She said there are to many people there and she does not like it. I can tell my wife is getting angry about it and what she is missing. Yesterday she missed the first day of school send off for our daughter. First time in 20 years. I know she is blaming me for this. She has made her choices and has to deal with them.
I know you, like me, hope your wife will wake up one day. You, I, and the rest on this board need to make that a hope that is tempered by the reality that it has a slim chance of happening. We all need to treat it like winning the lottery, not likely but fun to think about. Our DBing is like playing the lottery in that you can't win if you don't play.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
