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pilot #2482614 08/28/14 05:27 AM
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LisaB Offline OP
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Thank you Joe, Ss and pilot for checking in! Great advice!

I was originally going with option #2 (not being home) , as that is what I feel most comfortable with. I just do not like the idea of seeing him in the house we previously shared, going through his stuff and then taking off. That is why I have always avoided him in the past when he came by.

But then as some of you said, it could be a good way to see him, "take his temperature" and show him what he's missing. But it could be super awkward too as pilot mentioned.

Unfortunately there is now another kink in my story...

So if any of you recall, when my WAH left, he ran straight into the arms (legs) of his slutty coworker OW. But then it did not seem that they started a relationship.

Eventually I confronted him that I knew about OW, and he denied it. Then he admitted it vaguely without admitting anything specific. But he told me over and over that they were not dating and would not be dating and had not been dating. He also said that I was "not easily replaced". Well, today I found out that he is still sleeping with her. Turns out that he would like an exclusive relationship, but she is not interested. So he is dating and sleeping with others and I guess she is too. STD city! But he and OW are still spending time together, eating together, sleeping together, snuggling, etc.

So #1, he didn't exactly lie to me, but he tried to deny and cover up that he dumped me and wanted a relationship with OW. He said again and again that it was just over between us and there was not anyone else. Lie. The truth is he did dump me for her, but she doesn't want him for a serious relationship. So technically they are not dating but not because of his choice.

And #2, this confuses me about his behavior toward me. If OW and other girls are in the picture, perhaps I have been misreading his behavior toward me? Why is he still texting me all the time? Is it only because OW doesn't want him for a boyfriend? Am I backup? Or am I just misreading friendzone messages?

I feel crappy finding out this news. I thought it was over between them but I guess he is not getting what he wants with OW, which is a more serious relationship, but he is still seeing her often. In fact, he was with her last night.

At least knowing this makes it easier to decide what to do about this "stuff pick up" situation. And that is avoid him and don't do him any favors.

I am also feeling the same as many of you and don't know if I want him back anyway, especially after learning he is chasing OW still. That just disgusts me.

Yesterday I saw some old friends that I hadn't seen in a while and told them the news that we split up. They were surprised but then said that they never thought he was right for me, that he was too boring and not dynamic enough. Interesting.

I hope you all are having a better day than I am. Thanks for reading my babbling story.
Hugs, Lisa


Me: 34 H: 30
M: 4 years
BD: 6/15/14
He moved out 6/30/14
OW1: EA then PA after BD
Now he's dating multiple OWs
I'm over it and moving on.
LisaB #2482617 08/28/14 05:44 AM
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First, I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I know how bad it stinks when your S is having an A and you have to basically sit and watch it happen. No worse feeling in the world. So I really feel for ya.

As for your #2, please try not to figure this out. You will never get it right, and all it will do is pull you into sad and depressing thoughts. I know you want answers, and I will try to tell ya how I see it from a guy's perspective. I may not be right, but maybe it will help. After that...no more mind reading!!! smile

I suspect your H is texting you because you are still his Plan B. Your revelation about OW not wanting to be his full time gf really points to this. He got rejected, and you were the one he fell back to. He wanted comfort and emotional security. Same as I would do...as I discussed in my thread. When I would get out of a relationship I would fall back to an ex or a safe bet where I could not have to deal with any void and move on quicker. Your H probably chose you as that fall back. You say he is off getting sex with all these other women, but I can tell you that having sex with a woman is NOT any proof of emotional attachment. I suspect your H's sex life is strictly physical. His emotional bank seemed to be at the mercy of OW, not his other sexual partners. When she dumped him (sorta) he seemingly turned to you. In other words, if he had any emotional involvement with the sex partners, you would not have been the one he was texting. My guess he is in a way experiencing what a LBS does with OW at this point. I suspect he is becoming more and more clingy and pursuing simply because he is feeling he is losing her and hey, what do we LBS do when we realize that? Perhaps this could be the beginning of the end? Who knows. But you do have a pretty good idea his life is not as happy as he would want it to be right now. And that bodes well for you...

Chin up!!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
pilot #2482620 08/28/14 05:57 AM
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LisaB Offline OP
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Hi pilot, thanks! Yeah I think I see what you mean. I don't think she dumped him but I guess he is just not getting what he wants from her. Basically he likes her more than she likes him but she is still seeing him/sleeping with him.

I guess it makes sense that if it isn't going great with her he will look for emotional/physical comfort with me and other "ladies". And since I haven't been offering him very much comfort he started to become a bit more clingy toward me. Something like "I want love! I know, I'll call up Lisa, she loves me. Oh wait, it seems Lisa doesn't care about me and is moving on with her life?! What is going on? I need to get her attention!"

I guess he feels I am his backup plan B. But sorry WAH, I am no one's plan B.

This is so crappy... I thought things were going pretty well.

LisaB #2482622 08/28/14 06:04 AM
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Yea, but that is why they call it a roller coaster. One day great, the next...terrible. The question is how long can we hang on to this ride? It is not easy at all and I know I feel more and more jaded each day. Today for example, I kept muttering to myself "what does she have to offer in a marriage? Fidelity? No. Loyalty? No" I do not know why, but I was hung up on this all day. Could be a product of my mood. But this is why we have to detach. So days like this do not affect our lives. We get in a funk because we allow things like this and our spouses actions to affect us negatively. Easier said than done, and even the best detachers still feel the sting every now and then.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
pilot #2482625 08/28/14 06:26 AM
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LisaB Offline OP
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True pilot. True. I'm not as upset as I would have been a few weeks ago, so I guess I have achieved some detachment! smile

I did think things were going well and that is why I am extra disappointed at this OW news. But as you say, this rollercoaster is making me jaded. I wanted to believe my WAH is the loyal, wonderful, kind, sweet, loving person I married. But that person is GONE. He is a liar, he is confused, he is lost. I want nothing to do with this new person. He has nothing good to offer me. When I think of him I feel disgust and pity.

Then the moments come where I remember the sweet and loving H, and I am so sad that he died.

The fog is thick. I thought it was clearing but apparently not. Hang on for the rollercoaster to continue. Unless we get off...

LisaB #2482632 08/28/14 06:48 AM
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In a weird and twisted way it does make me feel a bit better that he is still doing it with OW. To be honest, I was mystified why he did not try to get back together with me already. Why he at least did not try to have sex with me. I guess that sounds arrogant but let's be honest, I'm pretty terrific. And if he was all alone I was amazed at his self control not calling me all the time and wanting to have the comfort of my company.

But since he is still involved with OW and in that fog, he is not really thinking of me that way at this point. He is trying to comfort himself with her. Replace our marriage with a relationship with her, that he sees as potentially better than ours.

I'm guessing if she does something really bad or he gets disgusted with her for some reason that he will then be trying to get back with me. I need to be on the lookout for that, I don't want to be the rebound - it's worse than backup!

Hope everyone is having a good day/evening.
Hugs, Lisa

LisaB #2482633 08/28/14 06:56 AM
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Haha, interesting way of looking at it. So by that logic since my W is NOT with OM, but not trying to jump my bones, I must be pretty awful. :P

But seriously quit trying to figure out what is going on in his mind. I know you want to but stop. You are going to drive yourself nuts and you most likely won't be right.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
LisaB #2482640 08/28/14 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted By: LisaB
... but let's be honest, I'm pretty terrific.


All right, now there's a PMA to be proud of.

Your WAH may be chasing other women, sounds desperate to me, but how is he getting on there I wonder.

And for the last couple of pages ... what Pilot said.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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LisaB Offline OP
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haha! Pilot and Old Dog you gave me a good chuckle.

Saw the WAH today. Tried to get out of it every which way. He said he needed his things and wanted to give me my mail. He suggested we meet somewhere near my work, or at my house. I said no. He said I should come by his office on my way... or maybe we should meet for a coffee. I started to sound ridiculous trying to get out of it. So I finally just agreed to meet him at my house.

I guess he REALLY wanted to see me but did not want to just say "hey let's meet".

We ended up hugging twice which I was trying to avoid as I don't think he deserves to touch me. The first time he really squeezed me like he normally used to. Was a bit strange to hug him since I am really annoyed with him. But we talked about random stuff for a while and after about 5 minutes I forgot I was annoyed with him and just had a nice time chatting for about 20 minutes.

I am moving to a new house, as I mentioned before. He again offered his help, multiple times. I didn't really say anything in reply.

Our dynamic was very friendly I would say, he smiled and laughed a lot. But I am so irritated that he is still chasing after this OW. If I didn't know about that I would feel quite positive about his behavior toward me.

We are both supposed to go to the same party this weekend. He asked if I was going and I told him I was not sure. If we both go it could be a good opportunity for him to see me in a social setting and possibly flirting with other guys. On the other hand I might have to watch him flirting with girls. But it could also be a good way for us to possibly have some casual fun together and bond a little.

I am torn about whether to go or not. What do you think?

Any thoughts? Advice? I appreciate it.

Hugs, LisaB

LisaB #2482782 08/28/14 07:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: LisaB



We ended up hugging twice which I was trying to avoid as I don't think he deserves to touch me. The first time he really squeezed me like he normally used to. Was a bit strange to hug him since I am really annoyed with him. But we talked about random stuff for a while and after about 5 minutes I forgot I was annoyed with him and just had a nice time chatting for about 20 minutes.

I am moving to a new house, as I mentioned before. He again offered his help, multiple times. I didn't really say anything in reply.

Our dynamic was very friendly I would say, he smiled and laughed a lot. But I am so irritated that he is still chasing after this OW. If I didn't know about that I would feel quite positive about his behavior toward me.

We are both supposed to go to the same party this weekend. He asked if I was going and I told him I was not sure. If we both go it could be a good opportunity for him to see me in a social setting and possibly flirting with other guys. On the other hand I might have to watch him flirting with girls. But it could also be a good way for us to possibly have some casual fun together and bond a little.

I am torn about whether to go or not. What do you think?

Any thoughts? Advice? I appreciate it.

Hugs, LisaB


Holy crap it is like the twilight zone here. Your interactions with your H mirror the ones with my W it seems.

I am glad you got through your meeting just fine, and yea, I know you probably felt good about it afterwards, as I normally do.

As for your party, I would definitely go. Yes, it would be a great time for your H to see you out socially AND see you interact with other people. Trust me, the scales are tilted in your favor. Yea, your H MAY flirt with other girls, but other guys will flirt with you. He has to make the effort on the other girls while other guys will be making the effort on you. Just make sure you are dressed to kill, look super hot, purfume, you know, the works. But whatever you do, do NOT spend your time with your H. This is your time to let him see what life without you will be like. He has to know how it feels to see you at your best and NOT be able to go home with you or occupy your time. Critical party IMO. I would bet that if he does see other people taking an interest in you, he will want to take you away from that. Be polite, super happy and nice with him, but treat him as if he was a stranger who has herpes. He has no chance at taking you home.

Best of luck!!!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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