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pilot Offline OP
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Quote:
I just think now another woman in the picture with a WAW puts them in a place where they feel pressured that they need to be sure they are making the right decision. I don't know for sure that's how your WAW is but I know that's how mine is.


That to me makes perfect sense. However, it better be a real LF and not just a scam move because if you bluff your W with a LF, you better be ready to have that bluff called!

The other flip side is if your W sees you actively dating, and she happens to not be, she might just decide to the same.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Pilot, it's good to have DB site back up and running. The last few days I have had some time to really think about my R with wife. I am in similar boat to you. W still at home, but filed a month ago. Anyway you know my sitch. A question for you. Do you want your family back? do you want your wife back? I have thought about that alot the past few days, my answer would be I do want my family back, I don't want my wife right now the way she is. My w is part of my family. But i dont want my family to go on as is. I know from your sitch you have looked at yourself and realized what you should have done differently. You have worked on yourself. No matter what your outcome in m will be, if you treat her with love and respect and get a D. At least her feelings for how you treated her through D will be a big positive in love bank. And with kids you may have another chance. My w is talking about me staying in home till June when school is out. I am thinking wtf. How am I going to be able to do that. Then I look at positives, wow what a great way to build a better bond with kids. Our wives have withdrawn from us. But things can and will change if we can continue to not be angry, detach from the drama, be the best dad you can be.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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25yearsmlc hi 25 anyway for you to comment on my sitch. I have been following pilot and always learn a great deal from your advice.
Thanks
Igit


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Posts: 930
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pilot Offline OP
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igit you ask some good questions. Yes, I absolutely want my family back. And yes, I do want my wife back. But like you, not the woman who I see today. Problem is I do not know if who I see is who she is, or if I am not seeing clearly, or if this is a temporary thing. In a perfect world I would have my family back together. My kids would have their mom and dad living together and they would grow up in a traditional family. But it is not a perfect world. All we can do is play the hand of cards we are dealt. Right now it feels like I am playing a hand I am not able to look at yet.

We do have very similar situations. I am hoping you figure it out so you can pass on the magic formula. Because I certainly do not know what it is...other than time and patience. Have plenty of one, not sure about the other.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Pilot is other m still in picture. That I know can be a big problem..my w denies even though a month ago I saw her car in his garage. Remember believe nothing they say. My strategy is to keep on being best dad I can be and lose all anger towards her. Be indifferent but interested. Your comments on is this really who she is?. I think these affairs really do act like a drug. They know it's wrong, but they need a fix...they feel something they haven't felt in a long time...I don't know but believe a relationship built on lies and deception doesn't have much of a chance to survive. I feel they are trying to get us to reject them. They may actually be afraid of the new us. Maybe they feel there not good enough. Just my two cents..


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Posts: 441
Pilot, your rt about playing the cards your dealt. I bet your like me, if we put half of the time into m we have put into saving this marraige we wouldn't be here. It's a hard pill to swallow. Be persistent but patient. The R no matter what it becomes is going to be different then what it is now. They are going to be in our life with kids till death do us part. Be who you want to be. That's the best thing for you.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
P
pilot Offline OP
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Posts: 930
igit, I am not sure if OM is in the picture or not. I would suspect she still keeps in contact with him through phone/text/fb etc. No reason for her to quit. Seeing him physically would be a little more difficult as we moved 700 miles away from where he was and economics would likely keep any meeting from happening. Again, I have no idea one way or the other, and I have done nothing to try and find out. I am sure you are aware a relationship built on lies and deception are likely not to last, but do you really believe they think of their relationship that way? I doubt it. Maybe in hindsight AFTER it is over.

But you are right. Because we have kids with our Ws we will be stuck with them for a long long time. So I know there is no escaping or simply walking away. The flip side is they are not free of us either. If there is any demon they are carrying around or hidden guilt, it will show itself at some point. Sooner or later, they will have to face the truth about their actions, and that truth is what they did was wrong...regardless of the state of the M.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
Pilot you are absolutely rt on all of the A stuff. Good for you 700 miles away from that scum bag. I am 5 miles away from my wife's septic. You are rt about they can't get away from us either. I did my share of anger and frustration on her over this. I am through with all that. It doesn't bring me closer to goal. Her Religious beliefs are not being applied to her sitch rt now. But it will come someday. No need to dwell on it. Hanging in there rt now is all we can do. Life has a funny way of getting in the way of things. Let life happen. My w has came to me a few times telling me she feels guilty. Not lately though. But it's in there,


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
P
pilot Offline OP
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Posts: 930
Yea, you are right about letting life happen. I cannot say for sure but it seems my wife has had moments of second thoughts. She has never said anything to me like your W did. I would have a better chance of dating Kate Upton than getting her to talk R. She just does not want to/is afraid to. She always has been.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
I
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Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
Pilot, my wife is not much different on that front about talking R. The problem is they hold all this inside them buried so deep for so long. My w has issues from childhood that she hasn't fully delt with. She has always been afraid to ask for what she needs. No love from her dad growing up. That's a big demon
Does your w have any of those issues. Has she ever talked to you about them. My W has brought them up at times in M and I tried to fix instead of just listening.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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