Talked to my D21 about divorce on Friday. W had already told her, unbeknownst to me. Whatever. D is not happy about the idea and is responding well to me as I have told her that I want some time with her Sun nite to begin healing our relationship. Anyway, I told her that while I do not want a divorce,that I WILL NOT put her in the middle of any of this, and I will continue to respect her Mom and create no drama.
D offered me a little gem. She said "You need to get her outside herself, outside her own head." The statement seems RIGHT, but I have no idea how to implement. Any advice, folks?
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Welcome to the forum Shakespr. Sorry about the divorce petition. Looks like you are in a good place mentally to take all of this as an opportunity to improve, even if the situation is really hard and painful and you don't know how it will end up. Looks like you have already done a great deal of introspection and have learned some very valuable things about yourself. Congrats. One thing I struggle with is that I seem to enjoy beating myself up. I become aware of my flaws and mistakes, and then really castigate myself and blame myself for EVERYTHING going wrong in the M. I am now trying to be easier on myself. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, we are all on a journey of improvement. I am where I am and I am doing the best I can and transforming as fast as I can. I like to imagine God telling me "I am happy with where you are, you are right on time in my book."
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
Thx, Hopetex. Yeah, I'm strong enough that I will get better, and I am committed to being a candidate for world's best Dad - which means no mental breakdowns allowed. W still asks me how I am when she catches me at a low spot, because she still cares about me as a person, but is not receptive to any course of action other than "AMPUTATE." And she wants to go fast because the process is painful and she wants it over with. So how the heck am I supposed to respond?
I have done my fair share of admitting my faults (see initial post), but her dependent/codependent tendencies will have to be addressed if there is EVER a reconciliation. I haven't written down a balance sheet (maybe I should?), but if I think about the stuff in DR from the W's POV, well, she is not blameless in this.
Perhaps you should write some of those same things down as an exercise to remind yourself it isn't ALL your doing.
Shakspr
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
This continues to suck. Just read the divorce decree agreement she drew up. I am smart enough to know to take it (she is walking away with cash, but I don't get hit with 20% monthly gross spousal support ON TOP OF the 25% net child support. Granted, she might not get all of that, but the risk/reward equation is not in my favor.)
Is there any good in looking at or defining how she has damaged the relationship, just so I don't feel so bad about my own contributions?
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Just a quick note to maintain my own sanity. Dreams where your W is making accusations of all your worst traits and actions are a lie.
Attempted the love languages quiz from my W's POV - words of affirmation followed by a tie between Acts of Service and touch. All scores were close - seems my W needs a "Whole Lotta Love."
Something from DB coach Laurie - if (lack of) emotional connection has been cited as a reason for the D, don't be afraid to make a connection when the opportunity arises. My W filed, yet still appreciates those moments of laughter and togetherness when they arise. DON'T FEAR BACKLASH. If/when it comes, keep your cool, maintain laissez faire attitude, and plaster a smile on your face.
From Animal House: "Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor? NO!!! It's over when WE say it is!"
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Changed computer PW to GetALife2014 - there's a constant reminder for you.
Have practiced many healthy scenarios of positive interactions with the W in my head. It's working! She was all prepared to be nasty to me tonight (sometimes you can just tell) - but I hit the LoveLingo trifecta, Touch (but not too much), Service, Affirmation. She quickly settled into healthy "back to school" stuff about the kids. Heh. I feel like I'm cheating. Of course, she is still divorcing me, so...
Spent last 4 days with Mom who is recovering from lung cancer surgery - it hasn't spread, she's gonna make it. 55 years of smoking. Her house stinks. (Any of you have a Mom who doesn't know how to "Grandma". I swear sometimes she shoulda been a biker.)
This feels like a diary. A very public anonymous diary. Weird.
G'night, (or good morning) all. I wish you the best.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
So, I have been GAL'g, etc. Swam laps (badly!) at the pool yesterday for the first time in forever. Gonna do a sprint triathlon before winter hits. I stink in the water, but am hopeful about my bike times. The real goal is to finish.
I can picture a life after divorce, which I need to consider to maintain a mental outlook of "no expectations." (And, you know, she filed and it only takes 61 days uncontested in TX.) But I cannot, for the life of me, picture sitting down with my 8 and 11 YO children and having the talk. It is the one thing that may break my calm, as I know I will want very badly to say to my W - "Well, why don't you explain to THEM why you are doing this." She sure hasn't given me anything resembling a real explanation.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Yeah, where did my post go? Board gremlins ate it. I don't remember what I wrote, but thanks for thinking it might have been cool!
As my momma taught me to be so very polite, I probably wrote to thank you for the encouragement you gave me. That verse and the affirmations on the PDF were helpful and just what I needed.
Regarding telling the kids: I would want her to explain it to them, too, except that she might go off and say something that would be harmful. Do you think she might? Can you take that risk?
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I am unconcerned about her intentionally doing harm. I just can't stomach (right now) the thought of telling them that this is something mutual when in reality, it is not. I can draw some cold comfort from the fact that they will know the whole truth (including my part in her decision to WAW), someday.
Meanwhile, went to home group and did a bible study and dinner. It was enchiladas and all the fixins, with a main course of Hebrews 10. Yummy!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Know how you feel bud, I too am dreading that conversation. From what I hear we just have to suck it up and talk about it with the kids as if it is a mutual mommy daddy decision. Not fair to us but apparently best for kids, especially young ones. They will know the truth someday, although they might not even care really.
Anyone else have a different opinion on this?
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
