I have asking for forgiveness a lot of late. I need to stop with that, I think she knows I am sorry for what I did. And at this point it's just selfish to ask for it. I need to keep my actions up that made her want to talk to me more.
We have been texting and talking a bit more of late. Seems to always go back to R talk though. I try to throw in a funny comment or something every once in a while, but that's just to ease the pain. She keeps telling me all the reasons she's not ready, but yet yesterday said that I can text her whenever if I want to. Now there are 2 sides to this, she really wants me to, or she's being nice about it.
I have told her, I was wrong and take a big portion if the blame for what happened. I wasn't ready to be fully committed and realize I was covering up a lot of my insecurities through her. Acting in anger, or jealousy, or whatever, because I was not the man I thought I was. Well I know that's not true, and I had to find that on the inside first. All she says is, not ready, don't know when, but you can text me if you want. And then she said as long as it doesn't upset you to do it.
Is it best to just back off some more. Let her be alone. I can't lie I miss her so much every day it hurts. This has been going in so long and for me to think there is still a chance to save it is really wearing on me.
I had put on here an unexpected event from this past Sunday(guess it didn't make it). She actually invited me to go out to dinner with her and the D's. I accepted, we set for about an hour hour and half and ate and talked. The girls were a bit of a handful, but overall very good time.
Totally took me off guard when texted to see if I wanted to eat dinner with them. Never nebtioned us or anything just looked in her eyes, validated, and listened the best I could. I was on cloud mine after nine at least for a while anyway. Trying to get myself to come back down and realize not even close to over, but a very good step in right direction I hope.
Also stayed together at D dance class last night. Talked laughed a bit, nothing serious. I think I have found something that may be working. I try to tell her in different ways how beautiful she is. Try not to be to pursuing, but yet make sure she gets what I am alluding too. She seems to be very receptive of that, so I will keep it going.
I am trying my best not to contact her. She has contacted via text a couple of time in the last few days. Just some work stories and her having insomnia something fierce. I just am trying to validate and work through it. I know it's not anywhere close to getting back together, but for some reason I feel very good the last few days. Am I wrong for feeling that way. I know it's bad for detachment, but I still want to be with her. I guess the next few days could be a bit telling. She has girls for 5 days straight. If she doesn't contact me at all, probably a bad sign, if she does maybe a good sign, but either way I want to enjoy this new found happiness.
I just want to text her and tell her, I'm so sorry for what happened, forgive me!! It won't happen again, I swear I won't let my emotions get control and let my fear drag me away into the dark places I once was. I miss you, and will keep up my hope that one day we can share life together again. I so bad want to send it, but I won't. It's like trying to fight a grizzly bear to keep away from the phone. And work is so dang boring today, these days are terrible!!!
Yea, I know where you are coming from, but you are smart enough to know that nothing you say will make a difference. Maybe one day you can say those things, but right now is not the time. Actions...not words.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Right, actions are better, but I think a few words when I see her is okay. I think part of the action is her seeing I really do think she is beautiful, and a few words help. As long as I don't get my hopes up too much at least. That's the thing with all of this, if you are getting feedback and things are going well, just loosen the expectations and keep up the work. We can't set on our thumbs the whole time, or act like it's okay to just be friends. We still have to show that there could be more there, just have to do in the way that works best for our different stich's. I think that makes sense, at least I hope so.
I think we get so scared to do anything, that we forget, we still have to try things and be active. Just not in a pursuing manner!!
Right, actions are better, but I think a few words when I see her is okay. I think part of the action is her seeing I really do think she is beautiful, and a few words help. As long as I don't get my hopes up too much at least. That's the thing with all of this, if you are getting feedback and things are going well, just loosen the expectations and keep up the work. We can't set on our thumbs the whole time, or act like it's okay to just be friends. We still have to show that there could be more there, just have to do in the way that works best for our different stich's. I think that makes sense, at least I hope so.
I think we get so scared to do anything, that we forget, we still have to try things and be active. Just not in a pursuing manner!!
Things have been a bit weird lately. Getting a lot of mixed messages. But most are good I think. We have been talking a lot more, she has opened up about where she is and what she is thinking a ton. I have opened up quite a bit as well. She says that she wants to have dates with the kids along, do the family thing, and maybe progress into us doing something. I believe she wants to she how I am, and see if we hit it off a bit. So I will have to on my best and hopefully a bit flirty best.
We are not quite there yet, as far as Recon goes, but slowly working there possibly. I still have a lot of work to do, but I think headed down the right path. We are planning another family date for the weekend. And I have been trying my cot best to get back into the fold as well, but just little bits. She has said it feels awkward to her if we are alone together, that's a tough one, but I understand too. I don't know if this is exactly right, but the more we talk the more she opens up, so I am going to stick with that for now. Hope for the best, stay as positive as possible!!!
That sounds very encouraging. I think you mentioned on my thread once that your W was depressed? My DB coach said that fmily activities would be very good in that situation (We're miles away from that right now).
For all the encouragement, it's amazing how one day of nothing contact wise can play with your mind. I have the girls this weekend, and she is all alone. But the only thing I can think is that she isn't alone, and is probably of ways to get me out of her life, or spending it with somebody else.
These are the days where you have to keep pushing all the bad things out of your mind. Keep thinking that no matter what I am not giving up. There is always a slight chance, that she is thinking about me, and what it would be like to come back. She could be weighing her options, or she could just be keeping herself busy. I might never know exactly what's going through her mind.
I think the biggest reason for negativity, are some of the things she still says and doesn't say. We try not to read into things, but it's so hard to not go over both sides. Once both sides come up, the only thing that sticks are the bad things, OM, not being honest, being manipulative, really anything. I am still trying to think of the good though. Bad news today too, I have an Aunt that may not make it much more than the next few days. I know that plays into it, I've lost quite a few family members in the last year. And death is not something I deal with well, but I am trying to figure out ways to be better!!
