Maybell IX

[Maybell]

Maybell the VIIIth

Lunch alone with my H tomorrow. I'm enjoying time with my kids this afternoon but just thought I'd open this thread.

No expectations of my H tomorrow. I'm really aware today of how awful it must be for my kids to know that their dad could decide not to live with them anymore. It colors my thoughts about him.

Welcome back, friends!

[Maybell]

Labug, Train... Is it fun to be together again? Do you enjoy one another? Is any part of it like it was in the beginning, with the butterflies and the thrills? Is it worth the risk and the effort? What do you do with that "I didn't deserve to be treated like this" feeling? Is it possible a WAH could behave in a way that helps to heal the breach of trust?

Again... Not that we're remotely there. I guess I'm just trying to determine that what I'm doing is worth all the risks to me and the kids.

And it occurs to me... In response to my finding out he was still chasing OW in May, I told him when to move his stuff out of the house, I called the lawyer, I proposed legal separation and ultimately divorce. And I really haven't done anything to make him think I've wavered on that except that email two weeks ago.

I see that I still have a ton more work to do on myself but I've come a long way. I am facing my anger with him now and it hurts more than anything, because *I* own this and I'm really struggling to let it go.

I wish I were a better person.

[Ss06]

I often wonder if the WAS ever needs to come face to face with the damage they've done by leaving. Taking them back with open arms is one thing but what's to say it'll never happen again. I'd need more than a promise. Behaving in a way that helps heal the breach of trust would be great, huh? I wonder what that would look like.

You're owning your chit, but there's no rush to let it go. It's an organic process that happens in time. Making it happen or forcing it makes it less authentic, I think. You're not a bad person because you're struggling with letting things go. You're HUMAN.

[claire7]

Maybell,

It hurts my heart to hear you say "I wish I were a better person."

It is completely reasonable for you to feel hurt and angry.

All in good time.

Have compassion for yourself. You are an amazing person.

[Maybell]

Claire, it hurts my heart that your H won't engage with you. You are lovely and deserve to be fought for.

Ss, your H should appreciate and work with you less selfishly.

Thanks for checking in!

[claire7]

Maybell

Thanks. Any thoughts on how to (or whether to) respond to the latest? I should speak to Chuck first probably. His advice was to keep in mind that his fear, and revised narrative of the M is trumping everything else. So any chance I have to show him a different version of me might make him mad because it complicates his revised narrative and makes walking away harder.

So as not to hijack... in terms of your sitch-- maybe you can think about it in similar terms? I know you have resisted those family dinners.... but I was wondering whether those kinds of interactions felt happy (for you? for him?) in the past? So often, time with young kids ends up being about just getting through it, or focusing solely on the kids. Maybe he is wanting to see a different version of that? A version where you can enjoy each other's company AND the kids simultaneously? Or maybe it's a chance to show him the best "mom+wife" version of yourself? Does that even make any sense?

OTOH, it's totally reasonable for you to not feel ready or interested in that kind of interaction. You know your sitch the best, of course.

[Maybell]

Crossed! I answered on your thread. Didn't see it till after you posted this. Do you have an appointment with Chuck set up?

[Maybell]

I went to the family dinner on Sunday and it did go well. H arranged the kids so he and I sat next to each other. He offered to share a bottle of wine. He said he had a good time at the end. I was certain he'd drop the idea of lunch this week but he pursued it and even tentatively mentioned dinner.

I'm not ready for dinner. But we're having lunch tomorrow.

All this because I followed Chuck's advice of smiling more.

Also the changes I've made in being more relaxed with the kids really showed. I used to feel so much pressure to parent them perfectly. It made it hard to enjoy them. Now H is gone I've really turned to them for a lot of my enjoyment and so become more relaxed about them being themselves. It shows in all ways.

I had a huge dream a couple of nights ago, very gory and incredibly vivid. It has fed a lot of my anxieties about this situation. I wish I knew better what to do with it.

[claire7]

"I used to feel so much pressure to parent them perfectly. It made it hard to enjoy them"

YEP. Me too. And it made all our family outings "fraught" because I was always so stressed. That's no way for anyone to live.

I'm glad you and he were able to enjoy the family dinner. Good luck with the lunch-- I hope it goes just as well. And I'm glad that Chuck's advice helped in some way! Tiny baby steps towards the positive, right? Complicate their revised narrative.

As for the dream... Hmm. Share it with your IC. Or tuck it in a mental box and store it away. No urgent need to analyze right now, right? Having anxiety about all of this, especially recent changes, is totally reasonable! Maybe your brain is allowing you to process those anxieties subconsciously so that they don't impact your waking life as much?

[Maybell]

Shared it with my IC. He saw it as my body screaming at me to walk away from my H. Since I can't truly walk away from him for 10-12 years, I think I have to consider a more nuanced message. Like maybe the anger and resentment need to be jettisoned.

Well, this is a life changing experience. Those don't get processed in ten minutes.