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Quote:
She replied with "I hope you are having a good nite!" I am not replying to that one for a couple hours and just going to say "Thanks same to you!"


At this point, what's the use in playing this silly game of waiting two hours to reply, when she knows you were just texting back & forth? Is this suppose to make you appear suddenly unavailable? Well, it doesn't. It made you look rude. She was obviously searching for more conversation, and you stopped in the middle and decide to be Mr. Cool and ignore her?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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ItHurts Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
She replied with "I hope you are having a good nite!" I am not replying to that one for a couple hours and just going to say "Thanks same to you!"


At this point, what's the use in playing this silly game of waiting two hours to reply, when she knows you were just texting back & forth? Is this suppose to make you appear suddenly unavailable? Well, it doesn't. It made you look rude. She was obviously searching for more conversation, and you stopped in the middle and decide to be Mr. Cool and ignore her?


Well that's what Mr. Bond suggested I do...not be readily available to her. So I waited awhile before I replied. I thought I wasn't supposed to jump right in and answer her right away. I wanted to, believe me, but I resisted. I figure I could be driving that point and can't reply, I could be charging my phone, etc. Mr. Bond suggested I let her mind wander as to what I am doing. I thought I was doing the right thing but it sounds like you wanted me to engage in a conversation with her I am seeing her tomorrow now since she needs to come here...are you saying I should talk to her a lot now?

I'm confused...how am I supposed to let her mind wander as to what I am doing yet answer her immediately which suggests that nothing is more important to me than her text and issuing an immediate reply. We weren't really textin back and forth constantly...there was a good 20 minutes to 1/2 hour in between each correspondence. This confuses me Sandi...which was never hard to do mind you, even long before the bomb LOL!

Last edited by ItHurts; 08/22/14 04:43 AM.

ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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"Well that's what Mr. Bond suggested I do...not be readily available to her. "

That isn't what I meant by "not being readily available". I'd prefer you to not quote me if you're going to execute things in the wrong way.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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ItHurts,

I understand your confusion about the available/not available because I went through the exact same thing about a year ago.

At that point I was still a total mess so I needed rules for me to execute the LRT/not-available thing since I honestly didn’t understand or comprehended all the advice I got. I made many mistakes and so will you – the important part is that you evaluate and get better.

First understand that you have to look at LRT as something you do for you. It is not to win back W – it is to win back you and if W follows then great!
I learned that I got me back during this period (I am still in it after a year) and all though I have opened up a little (after a year) I have followed the below as well as I could. I am not a VET!!!! …and the below is mine so VETS might chime in and tell you that I am wrong – then go with them.

- Do not ever do anything that can be interpreted as rude or bad behavior. (You did that last night IMHO)
- Always answer direct questions.
Not necessarily right away – but always answer! Learn the sentence “hmmmm – I will have to give that a thought”
- If called – always call back
- If possible always delay the response or call back.
This is not (only) to seem not-available, but to be sure you act on brains and not feelings.
In a turbulent time we tend to answer through our feelings and thereby make mistakes. I applied 24,48 or more hours to many texts or calls.
- Only initiate contact when needed (children or finances) and always make sure that it is NEEDED and ALWAYS apply 48 hours from thought of contacting to actual contact unless it is an emergency
- Always comment on issues regarding the children or finances - even if no question is asked.

You seem to be so focused on your W and how you have to act to draw her back – IMHO you try to control her by your actions or the lack of same. I did the same and I read your posts as you doing what I did.
Case is that you have to change your focus away from W. Act as the man you WANT to be! Not today but in a year (I am pretty sure that man would have answered your Ws last text) Find out what you need to do to become that man. Make a list and then get to work!

All the best
F


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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Quote:
I'm confused...how am I supposed to let her mind wander as to what I am doing yet answer her immediately which suggests that nothing is more important to me than her text and issuing an immediate reply. We weren't really textin back and forth constantly...there was a good 20 minutes to 1/2 hour in between each correspondence. This confuses me Sandi...which was never hard to do mind you, even long before the bomb LOL!


Except for one time, I didn't see you mention the texting was nor a constant back & forth flow.

I am confused, also. It is not easy trying to keep up with your plan of action. One day you are acting like her BFF and the next day you say your"re going dark!

Please don't strain a nat and swallow a camel. smile. It simply appeared to be rude, when I read your post.

I find it strange when a LBS doesn't follow advice on the bigger issues (the camel) and seems to breeze right by it. But when we try to suggest a minor piece of advice (the nat), it blows him out of the water. frown.

Don't let it confuse you. I obviously don't what your plan is now, so carry on. smile


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Thanks for the replies everyone. Now about me following your advice. Yes, in the past there were times I haven't...and each and every time I haven't things blew up in my face...just as you vets predicted (Mr. Bond, Sandi, etc.) So now I am strictly following your advice...or at least trying to...but I obviously misinterpret things. So yes, I do want to follow your advice but obviously it's a bit confusing at times as Flattire says above (thanks for the post by the way Flattire, I appreciate your insight.) However you guys are offering your advice here out of the kindness of your own hearts, I respect. admire, and appreciate that, and I want to listen to it totally now.

So then this past Sunday WAW and I agree to be friends. When I reported that news and became supportive of her decision to move to FL, Mr. Bond said I was being a bit too nice and that I should go dark...

Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I simply replied with "that's the right attitude! Just think of FL and get some rest. Hope you feel better soon" and I left it at that."

Personally I think you are being TOO nice to her. Now is the time to just go dark on her. You have to let her mind wander to what you MIGHT be doing right now.


So I figured that this meant that I should be distant to her and ignore future messages or contact initiations from her for a bit instead of jumping right in and immediately responding (which is what I really want to do each time obviously.) Then Mr. Bond clarified...

Originally Posted By: MrBond
"So now you think I should just ignore her again?"

There's a big difference between going dark and "ignoring" her. It just means that you aren't going to be available every single time she contacts you. Your first priority is to you and what you have going on rather than her.


So now this quote above is what I thought I was putting into action last night. I waited a good 20 minutes or so in between our replies yesterday thinking I was doing exactly what Mr. Bond said above. Obviously I was wrong again, but again, I am confused. I guess my question is if I am not "going to be available every single time she contact me"...what exactly does that mean then? She contacted me yesterday and I waited to reply to demonstrate that I am not available to her every single time. In fairness I was eating with my parents when one of the the texts came in from her and then later was driving from my parent's house yesterday too so I really couldn't reply to a couple of them until we were finished eating and until I got back home. I figured I was putting myself and what I have going on as my first priority here, as Mr. Bond suggested...I was eating with family and driving...so I didn't reply right away. It was just that last text from her that I "waited" to reply on on purpose...again thinking that I could be doing something with a friend or whatever and couldn't reply to her right away.

I guess to me if she sends a text at 7:50 and I reply at 7:51, that doesn't, to me, seem like I am not available to her, instead I see that as sending WAW a message that I am indeed available and ready to reply immediately. So I was trying to follow Mr. Bond's advice but I guess I didn't apply it properly because you guys think I screwed up and was rude not to reply right away. I guess I just don't understand how replying to her right away shows, in any way, that I am not available to her every time she contacts me. I know if I text someone, and they text me back right away, that I am not then going to think they aren't available to me...on the contrary I am going to think that they are available to me. See my confusion here? So I am trying to listen but this is confusing to me. I am not ignoring your advice at all, instead I am apparently misapplying it. You guys clearly know what you're talking about so I would be foolish to not listen, especially since every time I haven't exactly what you guys said would happen has...you predicted it before it happened.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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Just to clarify, when I wrote that, you were practically jumping at EVERY message she was sending to you. If you were really GALing, then you would actually be too busy to answer her immediately.

You can't keep making this into some kind of strategy. If you do you will second-guess every action and engagement you have with her. Just keep things cool.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Oh I see, thanks for the clarification Mr. Bond. I will do exactly as you say and keep things cool as a cucumber from now on.

As far as last night's Crock Pot meeting went...WAW had texted me during the day to say she didn't need it anymore but thanks anyways and that if I wanted a bowl of soup she would save one for me. I replied with no problem at all, anytime. I said that's very nice of you to offer to save me some soup but that thanking me is not necessary and I am happy to help! She said well thanks again. I replied "no problem!" Then she replied back with "right back at ya. If you need me at all all you have to do is ask." I replied with "Okay thanks so much and same to you!" Then we just exchanged a couple smiley faces. That was it. So I hope I did things right this time.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: May 2014
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Well an interesting development in my sitch. I received paperwork from the court yesterday regarding our divorce hearing on July 17. The good news is that on the back of the document is an official stamp that says WAW and I are still married until it becomes final on November 17, 2014. So this is good news, at least I still have some time to save the marriage. I thought it was pretty much already a done deal so I was happy to see that.

Also, I know Sandi replied here before this post but it disappeared. Maybe when they were pruning the forum yesterday it was deleted? Anyway, not a huge update here but good news for me that I have a little more time now where if, by some miracle, the WAW decides she wants to call off the divorce before 11-17-14 we still can.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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Best of luck to you IH.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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