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MrBond #2482305 08/25/14 05:12 AM
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Thank you, MrBond! That seems to have been what was needed as there hasn't been any further attempts or talks about trying to find someone for me to date from them. smile


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
topgunmb #2485603 09/06/14 12:39 AM
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Ugh. I don't even know what to do anymore. Things have just gotten progressively worse. W comes up on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and the weekends to see the kids. She no longer has a place that she can take them so they spend most of their time here. Lately, she barely even looks at me when she walks in, only speaks to me when she has to, and spends most of her time talking only to the kids. There are times where it's blatantly obvious that she's avoiding looking at me. Just a few months ago, it seemed like we were starting to be at least friends again. We were finally starting to talk about things other than just the kids, she was asking if I needed things from the store, we were planning birthday parties for the kids together, spending time together after the kids went to bed on the weekend, and she was even letting me rub her feet. Now, it's ice queen city. I don't know what changed other than I have been on hiatus for 3 months now, which means no work for that period of time.

Most of the time, I do my best to not be here when she's here, but the times that I am here, I might as well not be for all she cares. But beyond that, it just feels disrespectful and a little childish on her part. She's coming in to my home and treating me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable to be here. Despite my best efforts to have a PMA in front of her, I'm dying inside.

Any advice on what to do? Part of me wants to convey to how I feel about her coming into my home and treating me so poorly, but I'm sure that's mostly an emotional response. I don't know if things will improve once I'm back to work or if it's that there's someone new in her life (I have absolutely no proof of this so that's just mind reading), but it's once again ripping my heart out after having that period of time this year where it seemed like there might be some hope.


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
topgunmb #2489622 09/17/14 10:52 PM
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I really need some guidance right about now. I'm not even sure which way to go on this and I'm fighting my emotional response so badly.

Today is S's birthday and W and I really haven't talked about what we were going to do. We finally decided on a pool party for him this weekend. She came up today so she could be here for his birthday and picked the kids up from school. Because nothing had been said to my, I thought they would be coming back right away. Half hour past when school was out hits and they're still not home. So, I text W and ask if they were on their way. 10 min later, I get a response "Not right away." So I ask if she knows how long and tell her that I had been excited to see S all day because it's his birthday. I told her it would have been nice to know that she wasn't planning on bringing them back right after picking them up. Her response back was that she would be bringing them back before too much longer.

So, I know this is totally an emotional response, but I can't help but feel upset by this. Earlier this year, she was starting to communicate with me again and it seemed like we were on the path to at least becoming friends. Then, something changed and I don't know what. For the last two months, though, she hasn't been very forthcoming with her communication. I don't expect her to tell me every little thing, but when it regards the kids, I'd like to know so that I can adjust my schedule accordingly. Two weekends ago, she came up and stayed Friday night. I asked her what she had planned for Saturday and she simply shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't know. Saturday morning, I get woken up by my S telling me they're going to go hiking. So, I figure they're going to be out for the day. Fine, I'll do some GAL and spend some time with friends. About 11:00, she texts me and says "I have to leave early today, just so you know." I didn't respond because my initial reaction to it was she was trying to do what she always does and that's make me jump at her beckon call. At 12:30, I get another text from her saying that she wanted to leave at 1:30. I had already made plans for the day and I wasn't really happy that because she failed to communicate with me what her plans were for the day. Normally, I would have cancelled what I was doing and ran straight home. But, after talking with the friend I was with, told her that I wouldn't be able to be back by that time. I wasn't in my car (which was the truth) and that I was a good distance away (not entirely true, but enough that I wouldn't make it back by then). She asked when I could be back and I told her later and then let her know that I had made plans for the day because she hadn't let me know what she was planning. I told her I would try to be back by 2:30 - 3:00. Later, I met up with another friend that I had been trying to meet up with for weeks. I sent her a text telling her it was going to be closer to 4:30 before I got back. I wasn't trying to be a jerk about it, but she hadn't given me a reason for her needing to leave so early. I figured if it was important, she would have let me know. If was just for a social thing, then too bad. She finally told me that she had volunteered for an event that night and needed to be there by 6:00. Why she couldn't have let me know the day before or that morning when she initially told me she needed to leave, I don't know.

Anyway, this is just an example of what has been going on lately. I feel like I need to do some boundary setting when it comes to communication regarding time with the kids, but I don't know how to approach it without bringing the emotion into it. frown


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
topgunmb #2491377 09/26/14 05:33 AM
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Got some good news today! We've been waiting on pins and needles if the network was going to renew the show I've been working on for a 3rd season. Woke up this morning to an article in EW saying that we had been renewed. So, huge sigh of relief and hopefully it won't be too much longer before we're back to work!


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
topgunmb #2495155 10/08/14 01:27 AM
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Well, that good news quickly got dowsed with a wet blanket. Ha! Turns out, even though they renewed our show, we most likely won't be back to work on the show until the end of January. We've been off since the beginning of June. I had been holding off finding something else because I was really hoping that we were going to pick up another project in the meantime, but both of those fell through. Looks like it's time to find something else to do in the mean time.


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
topgunmb #2495170 10/08/14 01:42 AM
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Need some help with crafting a message to W. As mentioned before, W has really done an about face with the way she treats me over the past few months. When she comes to visit, she all but ignores me. It's really like being back in high school again because it's so childish the extents that she will go to i.e. not looking at me/not responding to me when she knows I'm asking her a direct question, etc. Lately, the kids have really been picking up on this and asking me after she leaves why she isn't being nice to me.

I feel the time has come to say something about it and wanted to see if this would be a good note to send to her.

"W, I don't want to stir up any problems, but when I say goodbye to you as you're leaving and you ignore me, the kids notice. They have both said something to me about it. They look to both of us for examples of how we should treat other people. I feel it is important that they see that people should be treated with kindness, regardless of how we feel about them."

Or, should I not say anything at all, STFU, and see how things go once I get back to work? In talking to my DB coach, we both agree that feeling secure financially is a big thing for her. Growing up, her dad didn't always have a steady job and often times spent his money on stuff for him. This meant she didn't get to do a lot of stuff that she wanted to do growing up, like gymnastics.

Anyway, I'm having a hard time separating whether this is a moment where I need to stick up for myself or if this is an emotional response of wanting her to at least acknowledge my presence. Help! frown


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
topgunmb #2508155 11/18/14 01:33 AM
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It's been awhile, but thought I'd stop by again. I wish I could say good things have happened. Some have in other areas of life, but sadly, things with W seem to have reverted so far as to make hope feel like a pinprick of light in the very far distance.

Lately, I've been improving my art skills, and have started writing the outline for a book I've been wanting to write for a long time now. I finally entered a contest that I've always wanted to. I've started a new workout program that's kicking my backside, and finding ways to make the most of the time I have to spend with the kids while working from home.

W continues to be cold and distant. A simple goodbye seems to much. Now, she wants to take the kids camping on Thanksgiving for a couple of days because she has the time off and "doesn't get to see them that often." I have to laugh because she has every opportunity she would like to see them, she just chooses not to. She's already planning on going to her family's for Christmas this year and then we'll do gifts from Santa when she gets back. It breaks my heart that the kids will be without both parents for Christmas this year again. I know this happens to lots of families, but Christmas is such a special time of year to me and I wish that the kids didn't have to go through this.

Ok, that's my vent for now. W texted all of this to me tonight and I finally just had to tell her that I needed time to process. I felt myself close to a stupid emotional response and thought it best to take some time until I could come up with a good response.


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
topgunmb #2508160 11/18/14 02:06 AM
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Thanks for the update, topgunmb. I caught up with your sitch, which is interesting because my W also left me after getting a new job surrounded by young, free people about 5 years younger than her. I thought it couldn't last, but seeing that your W has been living this lifestyle for more than a year, you're making me doubt...

I don't know all that you do, but it seems like you're pursuing her. To help you understand, imagine that a coworker you don't like is pursuing you. How do you feel about the slightest hint she's giving you that she's interested? Probably repulsed. Not attracted. Your radar will be on because you think she really wants you and so you interpret everything she says as pursuing. That's what's happening with your W. She's not pleased or seduced or attracted by your pursuing. Every slightest pursuit, like initiating contact when she's unpleasant to you, will set you back. Even if you can't detach in reality, try to fake it in your interactions with her.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2509733 11/21/14 08:42 PM
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Thanks, Mozza! I guess I didn't see what I was doing as pursuing (obviously...lol) because it wasn't something big or grand in a sense. But you're right, even little tiny things can be seen as such. I was doing a pretty good job of not doing those things when I was at the studio 10 hours a day. I was busy with work so I didn't really have time to think about contacting her and always kept that contact to the point. Then, when we went on hiatus, I suddenly found myself with a lot of extra time. Even now when I'm working from home, my mind drifts that way and it's harder because I see her during the week now when she comes to see the kids. Before, I would only see her on Thursdays when she would pick up D5 from preschool and then Saturdays before I left for work and then when I would get back. Need to find my way back to that mindset and assess even the little things that can be perceived as pursuit.


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
topgunmb #2509737 11/21/14 08:48 PM
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About your W, I would say everyone and every sitch is different. Every story has to have a villain and apparently, I'm that part in my W's story right now, no matter how unjustified I feel it is.

I think for you, it depends on her emotional maturity and character. At some point, you hope that there will be something that will cause her to take a look at what's going on and hopefully reassess the direction she's headed in. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later, but as they say, hope for the best and plan for the worst.


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
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