Hello, My wife and I have been married almost 9 years. and have 3 children together. We are both strong, driven and hard headed people. When we click we are beautiful together, however when we fight it can be bad. I have a drinking problem and have been vicious to her the many times I was drunk. I worked as a paramedic for 7 years and had self medicated my experiences with alcohol. However, on a plus note I have been sober for 8 months, working out regularly, seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have no intention of going back to those bad habits. I dont blame her for leaving after all, she had put up with an alcoholic for 9 years. However, I am not completely a fault. She has many unresolved anger issues and when she lashes out she verbally abusive to I and our kids. We had this plan for her to go back to school for her RN and then It would be my turn to go back to school for my RN. She had to emotionally detach to get through school. And Now that she is done with school and working she dosent want to reattach and work on our marriage as well as saying the dreaded "I loves you but am not in love with you" sentence. We are now separated going on 1 month and I am trying to give her space. I am upbeat when around her as well as being polite and attempting open question to solicite a pleasant conversation and rebuild a communication bridge. But this has been met with limited success. I do try to wait for her to initiate the conversation though. My feeling have been such a roller coaster. Im angry that she left I miss her so much and I feel like my guts have been ripped out even though I kinda knew this was coming. What else can I do if she dosent want to work on the marriage? She told me she missed me, however thats not enough to change her mind about separating. I just feel that the damage has already been done and I am afraid that too much water has gone under the bridge so to speak. for her to ever consider a reconciliation. So, in a nut shell; that is why i am here.
Hi. Welcome though I'm sorry you in a situation where you need to be here.
Have you read DR or DB? If not, get them and start now. There are lots of answers in the book that will help you through this. Nothing is guaranteed but it WILL help you feel less like your heart has been ripped out.
She doesn't want to work on the marriage because she has no hope. She is hurting and sees no promise.
Whatever you do, don't beg, plead, make promises that things will be different if she just gives you a chance, etc. Don't do it no matter how much you want to. Trust me on this one. It sets you back, doesn't move you forward.
Call friends, get out, make new friends, take up a hobby, read the book(s), visit this board... dont' chase her.
It starts now. It's a long journey but worth it, I hope.
I cant help but feel angry right now. I feel like she used me and then threw me away. Trying to stay positive but she wants me to bend over backwards helping her out. Now that she is done with school and making 90+k a year. "BTW I supported her through school and then she left me as soon as she got her degree." She wants me to watch the kids all the time so she can work. 7 out of 8 days. Dont get me wrong I have no problem watching my kids but I also need to work and this staying positive thing while helping her earn money that she made damn clear was not mine is pushing me past my boiling point. She got angry when I said no. this made me angry and we started fighting. I love her and I miss her but I am saying no to this. Now I feel remorse and fear for possibly throwing my chance away.
Its been 39 days separated today. My wife rented a home today. Im having a hard time with it all with these last 2 days being especially hard. However, I am keeping it positive, lite and honest. I asked her if she would like to go somewhere for breakfast tomorrow and she said yes. Am kinda stoaked about this but am not going to make any unrealistic expectations. I am telling myself this will be a nice meal with the person I love and nothing more. I will leave what I really want to say at the curb. But I know it will be hard afterwards. Wish me luck and pray for me.
Ok, with every inch of your being tomorrow, try to be the guy she fell in love with. Think back to him and his demeanor. Project that you will get by ok. If she makes a comment alluding to you being over it, say "No, I'm not giving up. But my life will go on no matter what happens." Or something like that.
Then, tell yourself that same statement over and over and over and over. It must be your mantra for the time being.
Then, actually start the work. Figure out what all of her issues with you are/were. Pick some you can control and start making the changes. It's called doing 180s. Immediately and consistently start doing things differently. These should not just be things she wants, they should be things you need to do to be the best you possible. Actual, permanent changes that will make you a better man than you were.
Get a life (GAL). It will help keep the D off your mind and will help her see you as seine worth having in her life. You can do fun things w/ your kids.
Read Divorce Remedy..ASAP! Then maybe 5 Love Languages. Other important tips: -Calm down, take a deep breath. Nothing will happen overnight. -See a lawyer. It is empowering and helps you avoid panicking. -Post here often. Break post up into shorter paragraphs. -Get into individual counseling. -Be a great dad. -Only let her see the strong and happy you. -Flirt, but don't date yet. Trust me. And beware the Facebook emotional connection with women. Yeah, oops by me there. -Don't tell many people at all. Just the closest couple of people to you. Who won't start the gossip. Another oops by me. -Be there for your kids as much as possible, but if you already have plans when it's her turn, don't cancel so she gets the break. You have to GAL. Of course break this rule on occasion to be there for your kids. They are now #1. -Don't do anything to help or speed the D process. -Treat your W like a friendly neighbor mostly.
Patience patience patience. This is a marathon, not a sprint (a wise vet once told me).
And...READ the BOOK!!! (Divorce Remedy)
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Thanks for the advice. Breakfast was nice. We actually hung out for 2 hours walking around. There were hard parts though. She started talking about trips her and her mother were planning. like a cruise to Hawaii. And a trip to Paris. She also said she signed a 1 year lease which kinda hurt. See, her step father passed away like 5 days before the dreaded "not in love with you" talk. And at first was hoping it was misplaced anger/grief. But now her mother is looking to fill her emotional void as well. Cant help to be a bit irritated because we were actually planning that Hawaii trip for ourselves. I took it in stride though and remained confident and pleasant. When it was done we hugged and I said this was nice we should do it again. She responded with...we will. So a little hope there.
My wife text me late last night to see how I was doing. We traded texts for a bit and then she said she was in a sad mood. I told her I was sorry to hear that but am now kicking myself for not asking if she wanted to talk. I dont know if this was a bit early to talk about the relationship but I hope I didnt miss an opportunity to really connect. Hopefully we will keep this dialogue going. I guess things happen for a reason.
On monday the 8th I asked my wife if she wanted to stop by and hang out. She took me up on the offer and came by. At first it was lite conversation but she then started saying mean and cruel things like she was happier alone, That she does not see herself coming back, Nothing here has changed and ETC. She said that when we separated it was over a silly fight. I disagreed and I told her I left to my mothers for the night because she said the ILYBNILWY statement. She got angry and said she never said that and left.
I guess technically she is correct. It went like this; I will always love you. Your the father of my kids but I dont feel the same way as I use to about you. And I dont thing it will ever change.
I feel I made a grievous mistake and got angry. I sent her a text stating it was a round about way of saying the same thing and not to contact me anymore.
Its now day two and I feel like I painted myself into a corner. I cant call her now so I guess we are in this is a no contact rule kinda thing and I wish I never would have asked her to come over. Talk about an all time backfire. I ask God for guidance, patience and strength but am extremely low right now and even though I have made great progress in my 180 I feel that day just ripped the scab right off. I also feel since the separation until that point I was just living in a fools paradise thinking there was a chance of reconciliation.
