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Joined: Nov 2011
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labug Offline OP
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Welcome to my Salon! What can I get you to drink? smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
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oh i am so happy to hear an update!!! seriously!!! i am so so happy!! like advina.. i have nothing to say.. i should log on more often to hear the updates.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline OP
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Awwww bf, how are you? Did you know my S25 is living in Calgary? He's becoming an expat all for love.

Yes, the hardest thing is letting go.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 626
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Joined: Mar 2013
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Bug,

You have amazed me ever since I first logged on here. Glad to hear you and your H are reconciled. Your personal growth is an inspiration to me smile


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline OP
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Thanks, lth. How are you?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 626
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 626
I am doing great...hard to keep up with the site with school, kids, work and ONE computer! Just ordered a new laptop because I am taking several online course so hoping to keep in touch more consistently!


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline OP
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This article came to mind today as I was reading posts in Newcomers. I didn't write it but the author closely describes my feelings and history. She so closely described me that I read parts of it to my H about a month after he left. (Yes, it was pleading, I wasn't a very good DBer in the beginning.)

Reading this created a bright spot on the landscape and gave me something to hold on to or to move toward.

From another forum:

Drama Queen wrote a powerful piece about breaking the patterns of dysfunction. I loved her essay. Here it is.

I believe in quitting.
Growing up in America, in a middle-class home in a suburban community, I was instilled with the Protestant work ethic. I have learned the value of pulling my own weight, taking responsibility for my actions, and being dependable and reliable. I respect authority, obey rules and help others whenever I can. I am strong.
I am also weak. The perfectionism in my personality eats away my strength from the inside out. It insists on showing me all the rules I’ve broken, and all the people I’ve failed to help. It focuses on the distance between who I am and who I “should” be. I’ve been given every advantage – a stable childhood, natural intellect and talents, a college education, a wonderful husband and son. And yet I’m still not good enough.
But I have learned how to battle this enemy. I have learned how to quit.
When my husband left me several years ago, and my world came crashing down, I got a chance that many people don’t get. I could start my life over, from scratch, and build it however I wanted, using knowledge I didn’t have the first time around. As I surveyed the wreckage of my life, I began to see patterns, unnecessary patterns.
My life had been built on assumptions gleaned from the world around me. My goal had always been to do everything “right”. Unfortunately, there are many definitions of “right”. I chose the ones that fit into my upbringing. I allowed the world around me to tell me the “right” way to live. To be a good wife, you must do this, and this, and this, and this. To be a good mother, you must do that, and that, etc. Sitting in the dust pile at ground zero, I saw the flaw in the design. The house I had tried to build was doomed to crumble. There were no load-bearing walls, only facades, propped up by assumptions and “general wisdom”.
My path was clear. If I was going to rebuild, I would have to establish a firm foundation of who I was and throw away all the debris of who I “should be”. I spent many months clearing the property. I examined every commitment I was in, and quit all that were not compatible with my new foundation. Each commitment, in and of itself, was good and right and some were even noble. But they weakened me, because they did not fit my true design.
Once the foundation was laid, I established guidelines to screen every timber and bolt before it was allowed to be used. If it did not fit, flow with or complement my foundation, it was unacceptable. My new house would stand. As new commitments presented themselves, they were screened and tested, and only those that passed were allowed in. Some that passed the initial screening, proved later to be unsuitable to the structure, so they were removed.
Quitting has brought me peace. I make commitments very carefully, and I fulfill them to the best of my ability. But I am no longer bound to the universal guilt of needing to do every good thing.
I do what I do. And it is good. And the world is left to fill the rest of its need for good through others. When I’m done, I quit. And I stay whole.




Last edited by labug; 09/07/14 07:59 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline OP
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Big news in BugLand!

After almost 5 years of weekly IC, I'm going to biweekly. grin This is huge because of the difference in who I was when I walked in to her office the first time and who I am now. She has definitely kept me moving forward without pushing. I've shed a lot of layers in that office and she's seen and heard both the best of me and the worst of me.

Things are moving along on the marriage front. We are two distinct individuals working to create a R that is interdependent while maintaining our separate identities. It's work but for today, it's worth it.

S25 is off to graduate school while living in Canada with his GF. He's happy, in love and loved, and chipping away at his goals.

S21 is working hard and overcoming some of his issues. It's more progress than I've seen in a long, long time. Maybe we finally have the right therapeutic team in place. It seems that way for today. If it crumbles, we can always change it.

We'll continue to do what works.

I'm also allowing some new work ideas to percolate in my head. We'll see what comes of that.

Great day to you all.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,506
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Posts: 2,506
You go, girl! smile


Me - 54
P - 59
Together 5 yrs
She left 4/2012
Joined: Nov 2011
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labug Offline OP
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Hey SD, how the heck are you?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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