2nd time around part 3

[NotAgainPlease]

Thanks Jobs. As usual great advise. Yes, he just has a true temper tantrum when ever I do or say something he doesn't like. I was surprised how quickly this time he stopped and said he was sorry and misunderstood..that was new.
It could be the court date but we were supposed to turn in our paperwork before and not go. We've agreed on everything. The date was his greedy a** attorney..however time was ticking and he's always too busy to meet me.
He knows if we go to court it ugly for him.. I guess we'll see what happens to his attitude after the date.
Yes, I have detached quite a bit and when we talk its about kids only...

[NotAgainPlease]

Thank you!!I didn't see your post when I wrote this
Yes,true. 7 years ago this too happened and when I was feeling "free" he came back....too soon,even though we'd been apart 8 mos. Almost the same time now. But I know now we weren't ready. Nor are we now!!
It would be a lot different now and don't even think I can do it again. I guess I've grown too!!
I was so desperate last time and I see it different now.

[NotAgainPlease]

I wonder why my stbx won't look at me when he talks to me? Just wondering...

[job]

The reason he can't look at you is because he feels guilty or he's lied to you about something. Sometimes they can't look at you because they don't want to see the pain that may be showing on your face...but I would sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap very soon.

[Ggrass]

I'm not so sure it's lying or gulit.

Mine looked me in the face and put his hand on his heart and lied and lied and lied. While I sobbed. The truth is out, he did lie about multi ow.

[job]

Ggrass,
It all depends upon the individual as to how they can handle their emotions when facing the spouse or someone else when it comes to guilt and lying. Some are excellent at hiding the guilt and lies and can play a game of poker quite well and never give anything away. Then, there are others who can't deal w/the shame, guilt, lying or having done something to screw the spouse over and will try to avoid the spouse at all costs and when in close proximity w/the spouse, will look everywhere else and not have eye contact w/the spouse.

IMHO, those who can look you in the eye and lie till the cows come home, have made an effort to harden their hearts and emotions towards the lbs while having to communicate w/the spouse on a one to one basis. They had done a darn good job of vilifying the spouse so that the emotions/empathy chip, have been turned off when dealing w/the lbs.

Once the MLC trip has begun, in their minds, the life that they once shared w/the lbs, is over and they do not think of themselves as still married. In their minds, they separated and divorced us 18-24 months prior to the BD, so it's far easier for some to lie or avoid the truth at every turn. They do not think it's necessary to be honest w/the lbs as it is of no concern to them or, in some cases, they think that the less the lbs knows, the less pain that they will cause by telling the truth.

Again, it's an individual "personality" trait during MLC and how they handle things.

Ggrass, was your h a good liar before the crisis or could you "read" him when he told a lie or avoided the truth? While they are in crisis, you have to learn how to really listen to what they are telling you and you can then sift through the conversation because they do tell on themselves, just as their body language will.

[NotAgainPlease]

I replied to this but I guess it was lost in changes. Can't remember what I said. Lol

H,kids and I went together to s football game 2 1/2 hr away. We did to save gas $. We did the same TT by next day for daughters gymnasium meet. It happened to be in the same place.
We got along fine. The first night H Seemed quiet and a not grouchy. I didn't sit with him.
I kept thinking all night how I didn't miss his demeanor. I didn't realize how fence he made me and I was always trying you get him in a better mood.
The next day he was much better. We talked and sat together.

He told me his GF was mad because we went together. Ha!
It was also her weekend off with kids! They only see each other 1-2 times a month anyway.

[NotAgainPlease]

Last week we had to go over our divorce paper. After her left he sent a text. Thanking me for getting together and doing that I know its not an easy thing. I still want to help you do things that needs to be done around the house.

I sent back you're welcome and I appreciate the offer but I don't think your GF will be happy about it. He said she doesn't have a say and none of her business....

When we were driving to the game this weekend it was brought up. He said she'll have to deal with it I'm doing it for mg kids. I said yes, but its really for me. Its my house and the kids don't care if something need to be fixed or whatever. He said you're right. I left it at that.....
We talk almost everyday. He has always been a clinger even when he hates me and wants me dead! The next day he'll say he doesn't want to fight and talk about kids.

Should I keep the communication going after a year of this? We are getting along nicely. But I'm think I should pull back and not communicate while I'm on top? Meaning getting along instead of fighting?
I know the divorce is looking enevitable and don't have much hope of reconciliation but a piece of me still hangs on.
Nothing in our lives have changed in last year. He is supposed to get a fulltime job next month and will have regular hours. That may make him happy.
Funny D14 isn't feeling well and he just texted me to see how she was feeling instead of asking her.....

[job]

NAP,
You are the only one that can decide if you want to go another year or not you want to communicate w/him. Why not try going dimmer and not dark for a while. He's quite happy status quo and why should he even think of changing anything when he can have his cake and eat it too, w/ice cream on the side?

One change that could be made at this time is that if he's interested in the welfare of his 14 yr old daughter is for him to contact her directly and not ask you. She's old enough to respond to his inquiries.

Divorce won't change anything in the way that you all have been communicating unless you want it to. Again, only you can decide if and when you want off the coaster.

[Georgiabelle]

Not again,

I haven't read your entire sitch, although your list caught my eye. For your own sanity, you may want to pull back a bit. It won't hurt anything and it can most importantly help you get where you want to be.

And in regards to the new job finally making him happy, he may be okay temporarily, however it won't *make* him happy. That's what my crystal ball says.:-)