Sunday night after all of the kids' activities was interesting. My W went for a walk with the dog and my D10. I made some dinner for the family, opened a bottle of wine, and sat on the front porch to drink a glass and play the guitar (I am still very bad...lesson #4 this Thursday). My W came home from the walk and said "good idea" and I said something like "my guitar playing? Yeah, I need a lot of practice" and she said "no, the wine". She went inside, poured herself a glass and sat next to me on the front porch. Then the kids said that they were hungry, so she said "let me feed them so we can hang out here." We sat and talked for probably an hour. Not about our M, our R, the A...just random stuff. That night I went to bed before her and was watching a "chick flick." She came upstairs soon after I went up and laid in bed (basically on me) and said "so I bring coffee to you in the morning (she did that for the first time in a long time) , you will watch a chick flick with me. I like that."
On Monday we had somewhat limited contact...only texting about mundane kids stuff.
Tomorrow night I am going to a night yoga class and Thursday I have my guitar lesson. So contact will be pretty limited. I sense that my W wants to work on our R by taking small baby steps. I am avoiding all A, M and R talks. She still has not admitted to the A and of course has not given my access to her phone. The A could be going on still but her time in NYC has been somewhat limited the past few weeks. Assuming she goes to NYC next week for work (her job really does require her to be there) she would have been in NYC five nights in four weeks. Not exactly the recipe for a hot A.
Knowing my W as I do, she wants time and space. She needs to see that I have changed and that my changes will stick before she fully recommits to the M. She has a fear of being hurt again. Her big issue was my controlling ways. I am working on that every day and speaking with my IC about it again this Friday.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I need to vent a bit. I spoke with my MIL earlier. I had not spoken with her in a while and wanted to connect. I did not call her to talk about my situation but rather about life in general. As I was about to hang up, she asked how everything was going. I decided to be somewhat honest, told her that I was giving my W space and that she is on her own journey and needs to decide what she wants. In the mean time, I am moving forwarding in my own life. My MIL told me that she asked my W if there was an OM and my W said no. I told my MIL that I know that there is/was an OM but it really does not matter. It is about two adults in a M who need to figure out what they want. If my W wants to commit to the M, she has to let me know.
What angered me was my MIL started talking about how there were signs earlier in our M that my W was not happy and that there were things that I did that my W never commented about but in retrospect she was lying and that my actions did anger/upset her. What irked me about this comment was that my MIL implied that this whole thing is my fault and that all of the issues were on my W's side. Looking back, there were many things that my W did to push me away. There are plenty of things that she needs to do to mend our M/R (exclusive of the A issues).
It is funny/ironic that my W tells my MIL that she was unhappy for years, hence why she asked for the D. And meanwhile, I am devastated and am working to change me and the M. But since I want to work on the M and my W asked for the D, the implication is I was the source of all issues.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
"What irked me about this comment was that my MIL implied that this whole thing is my fault and that all of the issues were on my W's side."
No she didn't imply that it was your fault. Go back and reread what you wrote. She just told you the concerns the W told her. She didn't blame you. Unless she came out and told you that it was "YOUR FAULT BECAUSE, ETC."
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Then she was just relaying information. Part of the DBing process is learning how to listen and not just go off half-cocked about something that we THINK is implied. That's what you're doing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My detaching and GAL activities went well last week and this weekend. But unfortunately, with my W home, we are around each other more, which seems to have eliminated any benefits that I had from detaching last week. Last week, I was around a lot of people at work and after work. This week, work has been quieter, so I have not been as social. And my W and I spent a decent amount of time together this weekend (mainly as family) so my "attachment" comes back. Now, I sit here with the pain in my chest that I hate. The pain of not knowing what will happen.
Tomorrow I am going to a late yoga class, Thursday night I have my guitar lesson and am going out with a friend afterwards, and then Monday I have an event at my work. But this weekend we will be around each other a bit, which is tough. On the one hand, I like being around her and showing her the new Sho (social, confident, fun, and strong).
I keep looking at my notes to myself and what I need to continue to do:
Don’t talk about A Don’t talk about texts don’t talk about R Fix myself, work on myself Don’t show bitterness and anger Be a bit more mysterious, pull away a bit Be confident, strong, fun and social Be patient Be a great father Be less controlling
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
