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shodan Offline OP
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Train, Starsky...per usual, thank you for your comments, insight and feedback. It is not fear that is keeping me from strictly enforcing the boundaries/filing for the D. A few things are going through my head...

One, my controlling behavior, or more specifically her perception of my controlling behavior, is the big issue in play here. She has mentioned it SO MANY times as the reason that she asked for the D. She said that she could not stay in a M a minute longer with the way that I was controlling her and our lives. She did not like the future that she was envisioning. I fully admit to having these tendencies. I see it in my dad and know that many things that we do and say can be influenced primarily by genetics. My dad is SUPER controlling and my mom has just learned to deal with it. My W does not want to be like my mom (she has said this countless times). So while she is saying "see, your demanding me to show you my texts, not text certain people, etc. shows that you are controlling" does follow the WAW/H playback, it is actually a concern of my W from before the A.

Two, my W is SUPER stubborn. She hates being told what to do unless she wants the guidance. I once convinced her to take a kickboxing class with me and she was so annoyed with the instructor who was telling her how to do certain things (keep your hands up, do this with you leg, etc.) that she never went back to the class. Another example....we have used two dog trainers with my dog and she basically refuses to listen to their advice. she will complain when the dog does certain things and does not listen to her, but refuses to be involved in the training and refuses to reinforce the rules. This is not a new thing since the A. She just likes to do things her way. Another example...she buys "KIND" bars at the kiosk at her work. The price is basically what they would charge at an airport...super overpriced. A woman who works for her will tell her that she is paying too much money, should just get a bunch of them from the grocery store and save $2 per bar, etc. My W has complained to me countless times about this woman and her comments.

Three, my W needs to feel me pulling away without me going into d*ck mode. When we first started dating, we were great friends but she did not want to ruin our friendship by starting to date. I was very direct with her and told her that I was not looking to date. I told her that we had a chance at something real and lasting. She still balked so I asked a female friend for advice. Her advice was to hook up with someone else and get her jealous. So I did that. The next weekend my W asked me to go to her parent's house in VT with her and I said no, that I had plans. She later told me that she was so annoyed by that but also find my cockiness very attractive. A week later we were out at a bar and she kissed me. One week later we went on our first date and told each other that we loved each other. Three months later we moved in together. So ultimatums will not get my W to be attracted to me again. She needs to feel that she is losing me and apparently wants me to be a little cocky. Filing for the D may be needed to show her that I am serious but for now I am showing that in other ways. So how I am showing that...I am going out, I mention to her woman at my work, I talk to woman at yoga in front of her and make many comments about moving on. Unlike past trips to NYC, she is going to NYC next week and is texting me her potential travel itineraries and that she is on the last flight back on Tues night. I told her to stay Tues night and all week if she wants. I have plans on Wednesday night and told her that I would get a sitter. I told her to stay all week but she said via text "no I don't want to be away more than necessary."

Four, she is starting to do nice things for me. When we talked this weekend, I told her that the reason I still had feelings for her was that I was doing loving things for her bu that to protect myself those nice things were going to stop. I told her that she had not done a single thing for me since that fateful day in June except buy me a magazine once. I told her that if you want your feelings to come back, you need to start acting in a loving way and doing loving things. They will not magically reappear. She seems to be trying now.

Could she be playing me to bring me back into the fold of options A/B? Sure, but it won't work if I don't come back. I am being polite but not overly friendly. When she mentions an issue, I will listen and then say "wow, sounds like you have a lot to think about" and then I move on to something else. I am not getting pulled into any drama. But I need to listen b/c I know I will come across as being a d*ck if I do not, which is not good.

So when will I say "ok, time to sh&t or get off the pot...here are my parameters/boundaries, are you in or out?" I am not sure exactly. But I know right now I don't have the pains in my chest that I used to have because I am standing strong and 100% prepared to walk away from my M.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
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Originally Posted By: shodan
So while she is saying "see, your demanding me to show you my texts, not text certain people, etc. shows that you are controlling" does follow the WAW/H playback, it is actually a concern of my W from before the A.




I get that. But her decision to have an affair created a reasonable expectation from her husband (that she be transparent with you as part of any no-contact/reconciliation plan) supercedes that. Once trust is re-established, this burden can be lifted but for now her cries of "Controlling!" aren't enough, in my view.

It's a button of yours that she has learned how to push, especially recently, and she KNOWS it will get you to back down from even very reasonable requests.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Sho, NO ONE has told you to "go into d*ck mode." You keep on saying "I can't enforce reasonable boundaries or even do a proper Plan B without going into d*ck mode."

So fix that. The fault doesn't lie in the strategy; the fault lies in your application of it. So you're just throwing out the strategy, saying "I can't do that."


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: shodan


Three, my W needs to feel me pulling away without me going into d*ck mode. When we first started dating, we were great friends but she did not want to ruin our friendship by starting to date. I was very direct with her and told her that I was not looking to date. I told her that we had a chance at something real and lasting. She still balked so I asked a female friend for advice. Her advice was to hook up with someone else and get her jealous. So I did that. The next weekend my W asked me to go to her parent's house in VT with her and I said no, that I had plans. She later told me that she was so annoyed by that but also find my cockiness very attractive. A week later we were out at a bar and she kissed me. One week later we went on our first date and told each other that we loved each other. Three months later we moved in together.



Interesting. I think you are right on target in knowing that in that ^^^ lies a key to how to re-attract your wife.

I also think you're drawing completely the wrong key from it.

Your wife is attracted by a strong stand. Many, many women (not all) are. MOST of these will simultaneously COMPLAIN about the strong stand that you take. They key is to watch what a woman DOES, not listen to what she SAYS she wants.

There are ways to do that without being some neanderthal, controlling d*kk. Mostly it has to come from a pure heart, good intentions and a loving attitude and having her best interests and those of your marriage always in mind. But at its basic, pure raw ATTRACTION level, there's a basic law of human interpersonal male/female dynamics at play here, and you'd be wise to learn it and apply it to your advantage in trying to re-attract your wife and eventually reconcile your marriage.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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shodan Offline OP
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Starsky...I agree that no one has told me to go into d*ck mode. I am having a hard time drawing the line without seeming that way. It is my problem to solve, totally agree. I need to show her by my actions that I do not need her and that I am moving forward.

How did you act around your wife when you told her about your boundaries and instituted plan B? I understand no proactive texting, calling, emails unless about the kids. But what about when you were home together? Did you just not talk to her and/or not remain in the same room when she entered? Did you not do family dinners together? Did you not watch TV together as a family? If the kids wanted to watch a movie on TV, did you not watch it with them if your W was present?


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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shodan Offline OP
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Train, Starsky, others,


I am trying to stayed detached and GAL but it is hard. We have kids together and live in the same house. We don't want to tell the kids since there is some hope this could work out. So how do I do plan B at home? Do I refuse to watch TV together, or do family dinners? What about our kids' sports? Do I just not go or tell my W that she should not go?


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
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Nope. Those things sound really controlling - and like you're trying to get a reaction from W.

I KNOW how confusing and hard things are right now for you. But you don't have to make this more complicated than it is.

You act confident - as though you couldn't care less how your wife is acting or what she will decide. You can hang as a family to watch TV. You smile and act comfortable. No foot rubs or back rubs or anything of that nature. Sports games? Go, sure. And definitely don't tell W not to go. But dress nicely. Wear a new cologne. Maybe some new shoes. And walk around. Mingle with people. Increase your social circle there. Some would suggest that you don't even sit near W. But always make sure you're smiling, confident and happy - always putting that best sho on display.

Have an air of mystery. But don't be cold or mean. Quite the contrary, actually. You want to re-attract your W. No one is attracted to someone who is cold and distant.

If you take your W a coffee, look your best, smile and don't wait around for small talk.

Confidence and decisiveness coming from a place of love, care and respect are very attractive to us girls. If a man is a doormat, most of us will walk right over him.

Were you a wet noodle when W fell in love with you? No? Then don't be one now. But don't jump to the other extreme either.

Starsky may have more to add.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
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shodan Offline OP
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Thanks Train, these examples are very helpful. I think I was going about it the wrong way, being "dark" but not confident. I need to exude confidence and be attractive without pursuing her.

Update on things...my W went to NYC yesterday on a Sunday. She said she had to take out two people who are starting on her team. She is getting a ton of pressure from work to be in NYC all of the time.

Before she left, we chatted briefly and she mentioned that she does not want us to be where we are, takes full responsibility for not saying anything sooner but that her feelings for me are just different. She feels empty. I told her that it will take a long time for those feelings to come back and that it starts with committing to working on our M with no outside distractions. I told her that we both have some big decisions to make.

She texted me a couple of time yesterday and we had to talk about the kids for a bit. On that call, I reiterated what we had discussed...effectively, this is her journey and she needs to figure out what will make her happy and that only she can make herself happy. She is working today and tomorrow, going to the Yankees game with clients and then on the last flight back on Tuesday night, landing here at midnight. I told her that she should stay the night and come back later in the week if she wanted. She said no, I want to be home.

I know the guilt of the kids is what is causing her to want to be home.

I will continue to detach as much as I can. Move forward, be a great dad, show confidence at all times, be light and breezy, smile a lot and avoid love busters (specifically angry outbursts and disparaging comments).


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
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Yep. And also avoid any more R talks! No more of those. Ya know why? Because even though everything you have to say is valuable, each time you two talk about your relationship, it digs the ugly parts up - AGAIN - and makes the *negative* the focus.

You don't want THAT, do ya?

It's time to STFU and be the best d@mn sho you can be: a H that only a fool would leave.

I need to exude confidence and be attractive without pursuing her.
Precisely.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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shodan Offline OP
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I definitely think I have been messing up lately. Damn emotions. One minute I feel confident and great, and then next minute something sets me off and I show anger or frustration. One minute I know I will be fine moving forward and on, and the next minute I miss my W, my best friend, and get sad and emotional. I get mad that she wants to throw this all away without even trying.

I agree that no more R talk. I just need to be easy going, confident, fun and attractive.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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