I am exactly where you are at the moment. I do not care where she is at or with whom. I haven't asked her or even gave the sense I give a poop what she does.
I do wonder if I should tell her to move now instead of when she is ready(who knows when that is) but I know that is not the way to go.
I just keep my patience go about my business and live like she is not there. I do watch and observe her when we are both at home. She is acting different not towards me but just different.
This confuses me but I just vent to a close friend instead of my W.
The only problem I see by being patience like this and not speaking up is I feel like I might be allowing my W to cake eat. I certainly don't want to give W that impression but If I speak up even in a calm manner I feel my W will somehow turn it around on me and then in her mind be able to justify her position as a WAW.
I know DB is counterintuitive and that is why I am doing what I am doing but sometimes the anger does rear its ugly head and I leave before I screw anything up.
I am moving on with my life also in every way I can think of except dating. I am not telling my W this just showing her. It is very difficult to show that you have moved on with your life without dating or filing for D yourself. But those are 2 things I can't do.
Hang in there!!
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
The last few days have been interesting. I went dark/plan B on Thursday night and did not speak more than a few sentences to my W until Monday afternoon. Finally, I decided to say something (I know, bad move) by asking about NYC and whether or not she planned to move there. I told her that "you clearly love NYC and the energy that it brings you. I get it. You feel free there, no responsibilities. Why don't you move there and see if this is what you really want?" Note, I said this in a nice tone. We talked for about three hours after this. We went through all of her and my issues (she was open to hearing my issues about the marriage). She harped on how controlling I am and that she does not like the future she sees with me when I act that way. It is a non-starter for her. She said that I have been more controlling in the past three months than I was before she asked for the D. I find this pretty interesting and listened.
We then talked about the stress of our lives and how we should have corrected it long ago. We were living too much for our kids, their schedules, etc. and not enough for us individually and as a couple. She then went to the store but came back 15 min later. While she was gone, I started thinking and realized that what had made me feel pretty better those past few days was the detachment. While I love my W with all of my heart, being with her brings back the pain (hard). The pain was partially due to what she has done, but a lot of it was from the uncertainty. Will she come back ever? Will we do this for 12 months and then she decides her feelings have not come back and we get a D? If that is our future, I decided that I wanted no part of that uncertainty and limbo. So when she got back, we started talking again and finally I asked if she wanted to work on the M. She said yes but that she was not sure how her feelings would come back. She told me that she loved me but her feelings were gone. FYI...she said it was not a sexual thing...our sex has always been great and she is sexually attracted to me.
With that said by her, I commented that I was ready to move on. It was my first choice but that I needed to protect myself. I told her that I did not deserve this pain and did not deserve to live in a sex less, affection less, attention less marriage. I said that I deserve better, as did she. and then I said that frankly this whole process has been exhausting. If she did not want to work on our M and commit to a loving, mature relationship with no outside distractions, then we should just call it like it is.
This seemed to wake her up a bit. She kept saying that she was scared and very cautious. When she would see good stuff that I was doing, I would then back track and be super controlling (NOTE: the only time I have showed any anger, I think, had to do with her texting on the phone and the OM...I know I needed to not care, but it did make me angry). My controlling behavior showed her that I was not going to change. She also commented that everything that I have done is not the real me. It is not sustainable.
I listened and then just stated that I loved the "new" me and he was here to stay. The new me is moving forward in his life, with or without her. I told her that I could no longer continue to have my heart stomped on and that she might wake up from this fog someday and realize what she had lost, but that I might not be there.
Overall, ironically, it was actually a very "loving" conversation. Per usual, we can talk for hours. Later, a neighbor invited us over for a BBQ. Our kids wanted us to go, so we went and had a great time.
So where do we stand now...I am being friendly b/c if I go true Plan B, I come across as a d*ck. But through my actions and words, I am moving forward but allowing her to decide a path back. I am going to my guitar lesson tonight and have being going to yoga everyday. Convos and texts with her are limited to the kids, although we did talk for 30 min today on the phone about the whole working mom/living in the suburbs/feels own pressure to be good mom and good at job/has no peers where we live thing. I mentioned to her that another family we know is dealing with the same issues. Two working parents, young kids, no time for themselves or each other. Again, we connect on a very deep level, which is why this is so hard.
But for my own sanity, I need to move forward. When I do that, and envision a future without her, my pain lessens. My chest and heart do not hurt as much. I don't want this future, but I cannot stop her from going there if that is what she wants. And at some point, I will reach a point where limbo is no longer an option for me. If she cannot commit to our M, then I will file for D. I have not decided when that time/date is.
Ultimately, she needs time and space to think. I need to practice patience and also just not care about her texting or potential meetings with the OM. She will not see a completely "dark" version of me since that shows my d*ck side even if I do not mean to (but being super curt with someone can come across that way obviously).
on a bright side, she made me coffee this morning. I won't read into it but did want to note it.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Really, your wife needs to learn a new tune. That whole "you're so CONTROLLING!" thing is really wearing thin.
I thought, SCRIPT-wise, you handled the conversation really well. But then when the rubber hit the road, you signed on for more LIMBO. THAT is the place that's sucking the life out of you from my perspective, and I just don't see how that's a good plan for you?
Personally, I think you should do everything you detail here, plus have her served with divorce. You are at that 23rd hour where I think it's the only action, sadly, that's going to back up your "I'm moving forward"/"I will not live in an open marriage"/"I deserve more" statements.
With that said by her, I commented that I was ready to move on. It was my first choice but that I needed to protect myself. I told her that I did not deserve this pain and did not deserve to live in a sex less, affection less, attention less marriage. I said that I deserve better, as did she. and then I said that frankly this whole process has been exhausting. If she did not want to work on our M and commit to a loving, mature relationship with no outside distractions, then we should just call it like it is.
This seemed to wake her up a bit.
For that moment, yes it probably did, but now she will be watching you closely to see if your actions align with your words. I think she's going to try to throw you just enough bones to keep your plate spinning as her "Plan B" (in the "2nd choice" sense of the word, not the Harley "PLan A/Plan B" sense) until she can figure out what she wants to do.
I still don't think she has any credible fear of losing you if she doesn't change course, Sho. I really don't.
Starsky's right. I had similar conversations with my WAW every couple mos. She'd give me just enough of a sob story about being confused and wanting to try but not sure if it would work, that I'd sign up for another month of limbo.
i hear ya. That is why i am trying to be patient and will give this a month or two. If no action on her part, I am filing for D. I actually am in a decent place honestly. The more I let go, the more I just don't care. I know that sounds bad but it allows me to feel less pain and hurt. Which is my #1 goal right now.
but let me think about whether I do this now or later. Thanks for the feedback and continued help.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
One risk of waiting that I've seen happen plenty of times, that you should factor in to your decision-making.
What if OM dumps her in the next 2 months???
Then you've got a depressed, in-HARD-withdrawal, still-fogged-out-and-wayward/entitled wife on your hands, SAYING she wants to come back and work on the marriage. But she's only one "I'm sorry!" phone call or text from OM1 away from crushing your heart again, and she's very vulnerable to an OM2 (it happens more than you'd think).
And you get all of that lovely stuff WITHOUT even having the benefit of having taken a strong stand that might have re-attracted your wife.
Yeah. It's a fine line, sho. But each time I read your posts these days, if I'm being honest, I feel you're more and more in the territory of being W's BFF instead of her HUSBAND.
I understand the fear. We have all been there.
I hope you stick to your self-imposed timeline.
We are rooting for you, bro.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I know I'm hard on you, but you seem like a great guy who's really trying here, and I really want you guys to make it if at all possible!