I just read through my previous threads. My self diagnosis is (1) I became overly excited by all of the positive changes and therefore was not patient and started to put pressure on my W and (2) I went too far into the Plan A territory (partially b/c I saw the positive changes). I think our convo last night set me back a bit.
So what will I do...stay friendly and hospitable. Do not pursue. Continue making her coffee in the mornings but do not look for any conversations with her. If she wants to talk, listen but end the convos quickly. She needs to see that she is losing me without me coming across as angry or mean.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I re-read them as well today. I think you're still missing a LOT of the firmer advice that was given back there, and following the stuff that seems less fearful to you.
You DO know that there's a "Plan B" that is supposed to follow the "Plan A", right?
Have you read Michele's After-the-Last-Resort technique?
Here is where I am struggling...I am really bad at being not nice. I am really good at doing the Plan A stuff, but with Plan B, I think I come across as angry and a d*ck.
I sense that she is back deep in the fog of the A. She was coming out of it for a bit of time (she was being way too nice to me, held my hand, etc. to be faking it). I think I was not patient enough, she got scared and then let the OM back into her life. So she is acting just like she did when she asked for the D.
I just need to back off and not pursue. Really limit contact with her (although, kind of tough when you live in the same house and have kids). And just see where life takes me.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I sense that she is back deep in the fog of the A. She was coming out of it for a bit of time (she was being way too nice to me, held my hand, etc. to be faking it). I think I was not patient enough, she got scared and then let the OM back into her life. So she is acting just like she did when she asked for the D.
My W and I barely spoke yesterday. Maybe two sentences. I spoke with the kids when she was in the same room but when the kids were not in the room, I ignored her. When we did speak I know I came across a little angry. It is very hard for me not to seem angry. I need to work on this.
Like everyone in my situation, this feels like I am pushing her away. I know that I need to stay strong. I know that we will never be able to work on our M as long as she is having an A. I just need to figure out a way to detach and be "dark" with her without seeming angry. I am struggling because this method is not showing her a safe place to come back to. It is showing her a husband who is frankly pi&&sed off. So I know that I need to seem happier just not toward her, correct?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
So "light and breezy" in general but not friendly towards her.
Not that this matters but my W has read roughly 60% of "his need, her needs". It is on her bed side table. I gave it to her two weeks ago (I know, not a good move but I found the book very helpful and informative). Unfortunately until she ends the A she cannot implement any of the practices from the book because it will have no effect.
On the GAL front I am going over to a friend's house later tonight and right now I am with my daughter at a soccer tournament.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
It sounds like she is doing what most wayward women do, and that is keeping both of you as Option A and Option B (in various orders at different times), and then comparing her FEELINGS about each. Not a healthy way for a grown married woman to make such an important life decision.
And therefore your advice is the same...detach, GAL and make her realize that she is losing me and that I am ok with whatever decision she makes.
Another bit of advice that was given on my thread was to just NOT pursue. For me, thinking about not pursuing is an easier mindset than going dark because it does not make me think about being a d$ck and rather just not pursuing.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
