MLC W Dates Lotsa Men, Part III

[AJM]

Thanks again for the discussion. I continue to believe my limiting conversations with W is the only way I can deal with her infidelity. That's where I am today.

I can understand that.

So let me ask you, Wet. What is it that keeps you from divorcing her? There can't be anything that's religious that keeps you from divorcing her. There's nothing in our society that keeps you from divorcing her. It obviously has a negative impact on you (and it should; you should not tolerate it).

What is keeping you from pulling that trigger?

What would it do to you if your W had no visible consequences of her actions? It's not up to you to "punish" her - that's God's domain. Nevertheless, she has obviously hurt you in a humiliating way. Keeping quiet is one thing, but your own emotions are important. Your well being is important. I get it.

Since you are going to have to deal with her - you have a son - what are the actions that are going to lead you to freedom from her behavior? Note I didn't say freedom from her. She'll be in your life, even if on the periphery for a long time to come.

Don't get me wrong, Wet. I have been where you are. Not all the same exactly, but very very close. It's enough to drive you mad with anger and resentment if you let it. Is it worth your life? Is it worth the cloud it will put over you? Or is there another way that's better for you and your son?

AJ

[Wet]

Hi AJM, thanks for asking me the hard questions (and making me examine myself) this weekend.

You asked "What is it that keeps you from divorcing her?" In a way it is religious - early in our marriage, I was in a bad spiritual place, and it was my W that helped pull me out of it. And from your many years here on the Board, I am sure that you have heard this before - this is not who my spouse is. And I have a clear understanding in the power of prayer. I have a strong team of people praying for both me and my W. That is the only reason why I have not "pulled the trigger" yet. I am doing the only thing I can for her: stay away and pray.

I have asked in prayer from the beginning "when is it time to move on?" And I am feeling like few times in this long process my spirit being agitated enough to think about moving on. Like my spirit (perhaps my emotions?)telling me that now is the time to serve her with the d papers. The other weird thing is that I cannot even imagine a life together with my W now, or the family ever being together again. But I have always liked that I am a patient and persevering person. These are character traits I like about myself. So perhaps a little longer.

You also asked "what are the actions that are going to lead you to freedom from her behavior?" I get it (it's a good question). None of her actions should be driving my life.

And I am working on myself. I have lost weight. I am healthier with regular exercise. For the first time this week I am going to a cooking class. I continue to go to a weekly Men's breakfast group (now studying the Book of Isaiah), and I also attend a divorce support group. Work is going better with new work coming in, and my boss will send out a major marketing campaign for my business this week. But something in my gut is still not feeling right about much in my life right now. Thanks for helping me to keep this in perspective - "is it worth my life"? No, it is not.

[kat727]

I had lunch with my boys today. While waiting on my youngest, my oldest told me that it is time for me to focus on me. I have spent so much time focusing on them. True.

I am painfully shy. I make myself talk to people. So my life has been wrapped up in getting them to a better place and they are trying to let me go. Now I have to do the same.

My ex was gone even before he left. I was a dream to him. His words not mine. I kept pushing him to make a choice and he filed. All before DB. DB helped saved me,helped me cope through the mess. Now I need to not push my son. DB coming in handy in all aspects of life.

Sorry for the hijack. Might be time to drop the rope on your wife.

kat

[Wet]

Hi Kat, I love when you write, so I am happy you told this story. Though I can't imagine you being "painfully shy" because you write so well, and are so articulate. What did your ex mean when he said that you were a "dream" to him?

Yes, everyone tells me to "drop the rope" or that I should just get this d done. I've decided to instead go back and try and be W's friend. I have nothing to lose, and at least when I was being her friend it seemed to make the most progress I've had during the separation. So I've been sending some texts to W, and she's been responding. I even sent a flirty text, and she responded in kind. So I've stopped texting (I'm not going to go overboard), but I might try and help her tomorrow if she hasn't got her internet connection working.

DR suggests going with what works, and stop doing what doesn't. I haven't seen any results with going dark over the past 2 months, so perhaps its time to try something new. Let's see.

[kat727]

My ex and I were together for 21 years. I know I was different when we were dating. I still had my sense of adventure and I wanted to bring him along. So I suppose I gave him the world. I took him to Denmark with me and to Ireland as my going away present to myself for leaving the airlines.

I am really not the type of person that likes to have a run of the mill job. I certainly didn't start out my life that way but it is where I find myself now. Funny that you mentioned writing because I want to write but am scared of failing and letting the kids down. Just need to say the heck with it. Take the plunge and take everyone along for the ride.

I think you need to try what you can. Whatever lets you feel that regardless you have tried everything.

kat

[Wet]

So I try and do a little "pursuing" of W today - fail. sent her a text with s13's football schedule for the week. W does not respond.

I send her two emails, and the only reply I get is that her email account was hacked and that she changed her password (Yay! I no longer have access to look at her emails - it's been about 3 weeks without snooping. Now I won't be tempted.) But that's it.

So the fear sets in. What if she is no longer interested in seeing me pursue her? I know, I know, I do my GAL for me, and I need to get back on the program - detach, detach, detach.

[Wet]

Why do I take a little enjoyment when W has a melt down? W has her family wedding out of town this weekend. She'll be gone overnight on Friday, to help with the wedding set-up. She called me twice in a half hour earlier to discuss what needed to be done with kids.

So I wait over 2 hours to respond to her voicemail, and this got her mad as a wet hen (smile?). So I text her back and say I'll pick up s13 on Friday, like I always do, and take him to his game on Saturday morning. I think everything is worked out.

Oh no, W then tells me what about d17, who is picking her up after ACT test which is scheduled at the same time on Saturday morning? I ask if anyone else can pick her up because of the conflict, and W texts back:

W: No, you are her dad

Me: Tell me when she needs to be picked up.

W: And you need to pay $x for college applications. We are not going to fail d17 like we did to d18 last year

Me: You are facing a lot of stress right now, and I want to help. Let me know when d17 needs to be picked up, and I will try and make it work. (Proper validation?)

W got so mad she could not respond to my text, and instead had d17 text me the pick up details. So it all worked out, I just wish for a bit more of clear communication from W.

So W will attend the Saturday wedding. I suppose it is too much to hope that she listens seriously to the vows? Nah, I guess that would be "expecting" too much.

[AJM]

Yeah, that's expecting too much. She knows anyway...

I can see how you would not want to be "told" to do something. I can see how you two are "fighting" via the texts. You are both throwing darts at one another in that conversation.

Can I tell you that you can't "win" that argument? You can however set your boundaries appropriately and have no need to say anything. Just do. Actions speak much louder than words, my friend.

In fairness, she gas-lighted you by saying "no" and then continuing. I get it. She knows how to push your buttons.

My suggestion for that? Take that button away. Rip it out by the roots (hi JTB) and never let it grow back.

Additionally, I suggest you not let her bring the kids into the conversation or let them text you if you can help it. That's a bad idea any way you look at it.

That wish for clear communication? Right. Let me know how that goes, yeah? I already know it won't become clear until you make it so. Until you stop responding to the gas-lighting and stick to business. But it's a pretty dream just the same

AJ

[Wet]

Here I thought I was having a nice, quiet day. But then I got a call from my doctor's office. They want to perform neurosurgery on my back to remove a pinched nerve that might be causing my neuropathy/lack of feeling in both of my legs below my knees.

I'm scared, and because I am self-employed, how much time I will miss from work is a concern. But my first thought after I got word of the needed surgery, I'm so stupid, is why isn't my W here to help me through this.

[kat727]

Don't feel stupid. You miss your wife. Don't expect anything from her and see how it goes. Can you still work from home? I hope everything goes smoothly and you heal quickly.

Keeping you in my prayers. Kat