Part 3 of my story: Let me see if I can do a Reader’s Digest version of my sitch: My W and I are married 21 years, and we have 4 children. I am self-employed and there were good months, but many months where money was tight. I tried something different by starting a new job in 2009, which promised the moon but ended up being more of the same. I also have had serious health problems for much of the past 8 years. My W has never held a regular job during our marriage, and instead does photography and pet breeding, with her income helping out for the kids needs and her own personal spending.
I first noticed something strange in January 2013, when our house was going thru foreclosure, and my W bought a 2000 red Jaguar. In March 2013, W started paying her sister rent and made plans for her and the kids to move out without telling me. Finally, in June 2013 when we lost the house, she told me she and the kids were leaving. We lost our house, my W took the youngest 3 kids, and our oldest d moved to a different town and moved in with her boyfriend. I was battling a debilitating lung disease and moved in with my parents, and eventually getting my own apartment.
My W and I have always been good friends. At first after the separation, she gave me a list of 4 things that had to be done before we could get back together, and all had to do with bringing in more money and financial security. Things were getting better at work, and I thought I met her hoops that she wanted me to jump thru, but she changed her mind. I kept away from her during this time except for dealing with the children. I focused on getting my lung infection dealt with and getting set in my apartment.
In January 2014, W starts getting on dating websites and dating other men. In March 2014, she had a close relationship with one man, and she even introduced him to the children (breaking one of our early ground rules.) She called me on St. Patrick’s Day, and she told me she broke up with him because he was getting too serious (a lie? he also moved out of town). She then said it was the “worst day of her life”?! After our child support court hearing also in March (very stressful on her) she started speaking of counseling and working on our R. But she kept insisting on dating other men. I finally grew a spine and told her she would not date other men and be married to me. She laughed. I sent her a Divorce Stipulated agreement the next day. We eventually agreed on a “Trial” Divorce where for three months we released each other of our marital vows and we could date as much as wanted, and then we would check in with each other.
W starts her serial dating spree during this time. 2 dates a night on the weekend, always out on week nights, though she had our children. The men she goes out with are young, and no serious r develops with any of them. D19 moves back into town and moves in with me. I start exercising and losing weight, and sending out resumes for a new job. D18 hates W’s craziness and she flees to an out-of-state college. D17 takes a 2 month student exchange program in Argentina, and she is recently back.
W’s sister kicks her out of renting the basement of her home at the end of June 2014. As the end of our trial divorce was coming up, I decide to invite W on a date at the end of May 2014. I tell her for the first time since our separation “I love you, and I want to be back with you”. She gave no response other than crying, she tells me she is confused, and can’t hear God’s voice. During this time, we speak most days, I send her funny emails and texts, we are friendly and we never fight.
I discover DB in June 2014. W somehow finds a new 3 bedroom place to move into, with very little income from her pet breeding business, and no other job. I help her with her move, and we continue to be good friends. But I pull back, and she starts pursuing me – she comes in for hugs, kisses me, and tells me for the first time in many months that she loves me.
So on July 10th, I snoop her phone and discover the extent of her wild lifestyle. I immediately go into LRT, stop all contact with W, and make her pay her own car insurance. Since then W continues to be on dating websites, dates other men and we have not had any discussion of our relationship since May 23rd. And this is where I am today.
So I get one-upped - I had a good interview today. So W calls me, and I give her the update on my interview. It is at a big legal publisher worth billions. And I try and explain to her how cool the business campus is (a little like the Google campus on 'The Internship".) They have their own Caribou coffee shop in the building, fresh fruit Tuesdays, a free cell phone and laptop for visitors in the waiting room, it was kinda cool.
So W then tells me about her night plans. This is her 30 year reunion weekend, and there is a pre-party tonight. The pre-party is held by a classmate with a house right next to a famous former Minnesota TWolves' basketball player who won a championship with the Celtics (am I being too obscure?) And she is letting the 70 or so guests ride their jet skis, and an open bar, blah, blah, blah. And another male classmate of W invited her to show up with him and some other friends to the party in a limo. He is a former Chippendale dancer. He called her to ask what she drinks during the car ride, so there will be drunkenness.
OK, I surrender, I can't match her story. So she will have her wild reunion weekend. The funny thing is, it's not bugging me this time. I'm having fun with my s12, and we should have a good weekend together.
Hi Wet, in some areas our stories are similar. I too have been fighting a debilitating lung issue. I was even looking at the prospect of a lung transplant. We also had money issues. My wife also moved out with the kids into an apartment. I find it funny that we stand by them through their problems and when we have a health issue they jump ship. My wife has had more issues since then. My girls are back living with me. My wifes utopia fell apart on her since you can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse.I think both of us wake up some mornings and wonder if we should continue. Keep being the best and stable father you can. Your children will recognize it and you will be better for it.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hi LifeTwists, yes, it is weird how similar our stories are. We both have 3 daughters too! Thanks for the encouraging words on being a good father. Best wishes for you, and you keep up the fight too.
Glad to hear about the job interview! Hope it's something you're interested in.
Good for you for not freaking out about her weekend. I probably would, but that's just where I currently am. You will have fun with your s! The kids are my life now and we make the best of it.
You are being a great father to your s. Have fun and keep moving forward.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Thank you Atsbaby, for your encouragement on my being a father. S12 and I went to the Twins game today. He and 40 of his classmates from his Elementary school sang the national anthem for the game! He loved being able to walk on Target field.
D17 and s12 are staying the night. This is the first time d17 has stayed over, so I am trying to treat her like a princess. Anything she wants. Wish me luck!
Have a great night with your kids. You don't need to go overboard with your daughter. Be her Dad. That is all your kids want especially when their other parent has gone off the deep end.
It must have been fun and exciting for your son. Enjoy your kids.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey Wet, I've just finally caught up to the current pages in your story. I have to say, I feel for ya.
I've done a little bit of the online dating thing, and I think I know why your wife's focusing on that instead of actually meeting real people the old fashion way.
Stop me if you've heard this before, but...
The man:woman ratio on most online dating sites (especially the free ones) is something like 9:1, and the vast majority of that male population is some combination of desperate for affection of any kind (you know, the social rejects) and people looking for hookups (pickup artists in training). A woman on an online dating site doesn't even need to fill out a profile or upload a picture. She just needs to identify as female and she will be buried under a mountain of messages from interested men.
If your wife is seeking some kind of validation (and, let's face it, if she's dating younger men, she's seeking a ton of validation), and she's the least bit attractive, opening her dating site message inbox would be like a crack addict opening their front door to find a tractor trailer full of crack cocaine.
I'm not the least bit surprised that she's fudged her profile, either. My own wife (ex-wife, I suppose; we were common law, and now no longer are) has fudged her own online dating profile. She's dropped a couple of years off her age (so that she's sub-30), and a few more off of the length of our relationship (she basically cut it in half). She's also told me in the past that when she does talk about me, she goes out of her way to avoid mentioning my education or field of work.
Now, I'm still not sure whether my wife's going through a MLC, or just became very discontent in our marriage and walked, but the recurring pattern that I see is that these people are running away from their past. Almost trying to re-write it. They look for people who don't know them so that they can be whoever they choose! It's like that common fantasy of just moving to a new city, changing your name, and just deciding to be someone completely different.
It's really easy to pretend on the internet.
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
Hi Spacey, the ratios of men/women I have seen on dating sites seems to be pretty close to even. However, women receive many more responses than men do.
The other thing I read about is the idea of the "the weakest of the herd" on dating websites. Obviously, especially for men, there must be some physical attraction. But otherwise, the men will go for what appears the easiest target (or the 'weakest of the herd') who appears needy and vulnerable. Someone on this site also mentioned "affair down", again an interesting idea where the OP rarely measures up to the LBS. But I know nothing about these topics.
All I do know is that I hate to see my W continuing to keep dating because of what she describes as her needed "distraction."
