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Zues126,

Sorry you are in such a rough situation. I don't have much advice, but I agree try to go to Al Anon, they will help you tremendously. You're struggling with a lot, but the drinking combined with suicide / self destruction is so much when added to the D / S situation. The folks at Al Anon will really understand.


Me: 40 W: 40
22 Years together, 14 Married
D8 + D7
Aug 2012 - Separated
Sep / Oct - Back Together
May 2014 - WAW / Divorce Bomb / Separation
Jun/Jul - Suspected Other man / Confirmed
Now - WAW moving out
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Thanks TRD. The fact is we are all in a rough situation. Not just is on this site, it's the human condition. More than anything I've learned from this to appreciate what I have. I can't decide in my mind what I want and be unhappy if I don't get it. That's addict and childish behavior. I have a wonderful family, great support network, new job, tremendous gifts, and I'm learning to be a great dad. How can I complain!

I keep being amazed at how I'm honestly happier day to day right now than I was in the R. I don't think my STBX is saying that but I'm not smug about that. She's on her own road. I don't feel loving towards her at this time because I've really let to, but I know I still care deeply. I can tell by how often she crosses my mind; and how she still appears in my dreams. Yet it is not her, rather the image of he role she used to play in my life. Now I focus on playing that role for MYSELF. I want to be whole, or made whole by God.

I honk I have it easy because I'm not living in the same house. If I was it would be brutal. As it is I can just keep a LOT of distance. I feel terrible about the kids not being as far removed, but both IC and DB coach say courts and social services wouldn't take the kids away from her unless things got much worse. They would have to be turning up with bruises, missing meals, not getting to school daily, and many more symptoms. IC said unfortunately if we took kids away from bad parents that would be the majority. DB coach said Social Services only takes action to prevent things that have already happened. Bottom line, I have to settle for being the best parent I can be, and supporting them through their journey without undermining their mother.

Thank you all for the support. I'm doing better than ever and maybe that's from your prayers. Also, I am still working on myself. My new mantra is 'what would I do if I wasn't scared of my W'? And realizing the I get to decide my value, not her. I also am being more direct in my communication with her, same general line. More to come, take care!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Posts: 2,708
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Hey all, I'm not posting quite as often but wanted to say thank you for the support. What a caring group of people. Caring enough to inspire me when I need inspiration, and redirect me when I'm going down cheese less tunnels.

This is a big week for me. My DB coach told me to find my own place. Reminder, I am staying with a friend for next to nothing and still depositing 100% of my income in the joint account. The plan was for her to get a job (she is a sahm) but she hasn't been proactive, or even active. It's been 4 months now and I'm no longer being reasonable, I'm being a rug and communicating that my needs are unimportant. Not only do I not have a place for me, it means I don't get much time with my children as I am still just visiting them at the house 2 times weekly. Once I have a place I can upgrade to every other weeken and a night a week. This is good for me and necessary for the Children.

Of course, this means explaining to my STBX that I won't be supporting her to this extent anymore. I am going to separate finances and start giving her a monthly support payment similar to what the courts might order. This is nowhere near enough for her to support the household. My DB coach said to answer questions about how she is supposed to pay for everything with an answer like 'I'm not telling you what to do, I'm telling you what I'm going to do. The children need more time to spend with me in a place we feel comfortable. This is the biggest priority.' Whether she gets a job, sells the house, forecloses, moves in with relatives, or replaces me with someone else, all up to her.

To protect myself I've met with an attorney and will be drawing up separation paperwork on Wednesday. I will serve it to her later this week. This will protect me to a large extent from her racking up debt.

I am speaking to DB coach again tomorrow to work out the details of how to present this. I was thinking about still giving 100% of my income in November just to give her some time to prepare for real, but want her opinion. Also, she told me not to file D yet...the separation was my attorneys idea and we wouldn't file it, just serve it to protect me and prepare for separation of finances. Seems in line with DB coach but want her opinions on that as well.

The exciting part is that once I do that I will basically be living as I wi be post divorce in every way but name. From where I'm at that's a step up. For my STBX that will mean starting to face some tough realities. She thinks she'll be partying on the weekends I have the children but she may be working and dealing with the reality of a single mom. Not hoping she suffers, just hoping it helps her hit her bottom so she starts taking better care of herself.

Finally, I accepted the job and start 11/3. This is a big part of my GAL, not letting my sitch hold me back. It's scary but I think i can do it. In the 2-3 year range it could be a big income raise, like adding a salary on top of my salary. Can't wait to dive in!

So lots going on. Scary job. I'm scared of y STBX's reaction but challenging myself to grow and further detach my self worth from her judgment. I am realizing that I'm a good guy...in fact, the less I depend on her to believe that the healthier I feel. Having fun and many more good days than tough. More to come after these exchanges go down, thank you all and soldier on!

Last edited by Zues126; 10/21/14 05:45 AM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Aug 2014
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Zeus, I think DB would say don't initiate anything -- let wife do all the work. That being said, if you feel that the situation is untenable and you have to look out for yourself, then do so. It also might jolt her into realizing the reality of the situation. I too struggle with these legal issues (check my thread). My H and I did separate our finances early in this process -- just a couple of days after BD -- at my initiation because I didn't think I could trust him. Still don't.

Kudos on the job! Sounds like an exciting opportunity with great potential!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Ahoy #2499058 10/21/14 02:14 PM
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Congrats on the job Zues. Good for you! Sounds like wise advice from your DB Coach.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Ahoy #2499082 10/21/14 03:08 PM
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Zeus, your attitude sounds right. Focus on you and doing what is right for your family. If this jolts your W back into reality, awesome. Or it just prepares you better for a new and better life. All of us had a hand in our Ms and where they are today. But those of us on this forum are working on us and our Ms (to the extent that we can). We all will emerge stronger and better from this ordeal, and a lot wiser.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
shodan #2499399 10/22/14 05:37 AM
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Tough day. Said goodbye to a lot of coworkers and I feel that loss too. Funny, after working closely for 6 years it feels like they are your friends. But once you leave the reality is they aren't there anymore with few exceptions. I am choosing to look at that as though we got very close together in a very limited relationship. That is more positive than saying I was fooled into thinkin these relationships were actually meaningful. But it is both sad to leave them and disappointing to realize they are so fleeting.

That is why I value M so much. I felt God wanted us to have one person that was here with you for the count. And I get that I made things difficult. But then why was I made in a way where it would be so difficult to continue to choose to love each other?

Next the distorted thinking comes out. I am afraid no woman will ever stick with me. I am afraid that women don't need men anymore, that we've become obsolete. That our differences make us insensitive, demanding, and not worth the hassle. And I'm afraid the only way I could trick a woman into being with me is to pretend I'm something I'm not because there's something wrong with me.

I recognize some of the 'no more mr nice guy' symptoms in the above paragraph, about being afraid to be myself. But changing that is hard. If I AM afraid to be myself, then isn't changing that actually NOT being myself? It says ask for what you want directly, but I feel ashamed of what I want because I'm still wrestling with desire. I've controlled my behavior, but again, I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere sometimes. It sure feels like I'm stuffing my feelings, desires, walking down a painful road I could avoid altogether and doing it without medication or defense mechanisms, all for a futile cause. Not my M, just changing me.

I'm not trying to dwell on negative feelings. We all battle them at times. Just battling them tonight and purging them out to reduce them to words. The upside is that I made good choices today. I didn't give up when things got difficult. Sometimes it's so hard you can't picture why this road makes sense, but I remember there is a reason so I am still on it. Hopefully the reason is more clear again tomorrow. DB4L! Take that negative energy!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Just got an email. More later but this is a touchy situation. Can anyone help me with some validating and supportin replies for something like this? One complaint she had was that I wasn't there for her through tough times. I'm wired a little differently and this doesn't come easy to me. Beyond saying I'm sorry, that's tough, let me know if you need anything or more help with the kids to make time for her...what else can I say that's appropriate?

EMAIL:
My aunt XXX has Cancer. She is in XXx right now and had surgery on Tuesday. Apparently the cancer was described as a paint can dropped and splattering all over. They removed the big chunks and planned chemo for the rest of the little stuff. However, this morning she had a stroke and and aneurysm on top of it. She will never be able to walk or talk again. Not good. She most likely won't be coming back here. HUSBAND and the girls are making the big hard decisions now. It's just all horrible.

Last edited by Zues126; 10/23/14 08:24 PM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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Hi Zues,

You are smart to think about how you respond to W's email about her aunt's cancer. First, I would call W and not send an email or text. And keep the focus on your W, and not you - 'how are you doing?', 'how does this make you feel?', nothing about you and how sorry you are about this.

You know your W, what may be her fears about the aunt's cancer? Was she close to the aunt? Is cancer something W or her family have gone thru before? Speak from your heart to best be a support for your W, but do not use this to try and pursue your W. Best wishes.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2500066 10/23/14 10:07 PM
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^^^ Good advice

Quote:
That is why I value M so much. I felt God wanted us to have one person that was here with you for the count. And I get that I made things difficult. But then why was I made in a way where it would be so difficult to continue to choose to love each other?

I ditto this, Zues. I have told my wife in the past that she is my rock. When thing are going rough I want to be able to count on my marriage and not have to worry about that too.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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