Keeping it real

[nit84]

Zues126,

I am kinda in the same situation as you so I will be watching your thread for the vets advice.

My IMC said I was a rescuer also. It is tough to break the cycle. The feeling of being trapped also rings with me. I hope now that W has moved out and daily contact is non existent I wont feel the urge to rescue her when she complains about things that are aren't going right for her if she ever contacts me.I needed to do that before she moved out but didn't do a good job. I also need the boundaries to keep me out of the rescue roles.

Good luck to you

[Zues126]

Some updates. Last weekend (8 days ago) I took my 3 kids to the north shore by Lake Superior. We stayed at a water park and had a blast. We also did some sight seeing, hiking, skipping rocks on the lake, and met up with family I had in the area. In addition, I had several very great dad moments. I'll summarize by saying that my STBX is on the helicopter/overprotective side, and I being a needed balance. She's a great mom, but I can really see how much good it does them to see another way of living. Little things, like my daughter who usually throws up in he car but didn't after I talked to her about it being what you expect to happen, and my son who usually throws fits until I talked about a few things with him, he stayed low key and managed to go the weekend without any serious meltdowns.

Since I've been back its been business as usual. Fun with kids, playing chess a lot with my new roommate, shooting some pool, working hard, and reading books. Currently on "no more mr nice guy" based on these threads. I think that applies to me in many ways and I'm glad I picked it up. Still have a lot of personal growth to focus on, taking it slow and steady.

One dilemma I've been faced with is a new job opportunity. I'm being recruited by a manager in another division within the same company. It's a cool position, but it would also mean more change, getting out of my comfort zone, taking some risks, etc. the conservative side of me says stay at the job I'm at as I have it on auto pilot to a degree, and take on new job offers once he D is final and I'm more stabilized. On the other hand it might be something along the lines of a GAL activity that would provide a challenge and outlet for my creative energy and talents. Definitely has financial upside.

Any thoughts about this? Hope all is well with each of you all things considered!

[Ahoy]

Thanks for posting on my thread, Zeus! I think you sound excited about the job opportunity. Don't hold back on W's account. New challenges might be a welcome distraction right now.

[jim0987]

New job decision should be about whether you want it or not. But the challenge should certainly help clear your head of anything else.

[Zues126]

Thanks guys. Another toughie:

My W is now an alcoholic. Since her attempt she tied to quit drinking, then tried to moderate. Now she is dangerously out of control. First she hid it from me, then she came home drunk when I was over with the children. She was very threatening (she said she really would kill herself and not just 'cry for help' if she lost the kids, then said she had 'dirt' on me if I tried to take them away). Now she is drinking every night, sometimes black out drunk.

What scared me was last time I saw the kids. She got home stumbling drunk. She drove home.

I personally haven't said a word. At this moment she is nothing but hostile towards me and I feel anything I say will be dismissed. I'm not supporting her or enabling her, I'm just staying as far away as I can and only communicating about the children.

This is a scary spot. If she dies in a car crash I don't want to regret my actions. What am I supposed to do here?

[1foot2]

I wish I had advice for you. I have a somewhat similar sitch. Its hard to know what to do especially when you are not in the typical "caretaker" role of a normal H in a happy M.

Ive been advised to go to Al Anon. I havent done this but its on my list, perhaps if we end up in a better place or piecing. Right now it doesnt really make sense as I am generally acting as if ive moved on from her.

All Ive done is cover my bases. I havent drank a drop at home in 3 months, not that I did too much of that before. But I dont bring a single drop of booze into the house. I dont even know how effective a gesture it is, but its me saying "Im standing for your sobriety" in some way, i guess.

My W seems to keep her drinking under control but I honestly dont know. She hides it for the most part, though I monitor the signs (I know some of her hiding spots). When shes out for the night, however, thats 8-12 hours that I have no idea what shes doing. Probably driving drunk, possibly making other mistakes.

Curious to see what advice anyone has here.

[Zues126]

I had a sleepless night. The consequences of my actions/I actions are powerful. I realize that I can stay emotionally detached from her whe still taking action as needed to protect my family.

I formed a graph of actions i could take in my mind. They range by severity, and they range by directness. For example, directly I could talk to her casually, talk to her seriously (lay out consequences), take bold action such as moving back in, serving her papers, or staging and intervention. Indirectly I could inform her friends and family (or even, say, just talk to her dad), I could arrange an intervention, or I could call social services.

Right now I want to talk to my DB Coach. She is AMAZING at knowing what to do in tough spots. I will see if she can squeeze me in as a priority call. My plan would be to look at my DB appointments as 'checkpoints' I have to get through. And she can help prepare me for what lies Inbetween. I also talked to both my parents, and at their recommendation (both my parents think she's seriously out of control and a threat to herself and others, ie the kids) I have an appointment with my lawyer Monday. I need to protect myself legally from being considered neglectf to leave them In her care and financially from fines and damages she may cause (the hospital bills are rolling in from the attempt, more will lie ahead).

But IM doing ok for myself and rising to this. I still have a lot of personal growth ahead but have come a ways in 4 months too. I couldn't have handled this when I started. In a way I feel god is giving this to me to help me grow. Oh, and I've decided to take the new job DESPITE all of this. I think I can manage it and wouldn't feel good passin on the opportunity out of fear and self doubt.

Thank you all for your support and coaching. Celebrate what you have in your world today and have a good weekend n

[Jefe]

Zues, you posted this originally on Lostluv's thread but I didn't want to hijack it.

As for future Rs, it's ok to feel that way. First off, being a little jaded and cynical is easy, like when a woman smiles at you and you think 'I know where that leads, stay away!' But its not a spot to live. It's just a sign you have more growth ahead. Once you truly understand you STBX's feelings and failings you'll find it's easier to be compassionate and accepting rather than hurt and victimized.

In my situation I'm not so much worried about being victimized. It's more like I'm just not all that interested in another relationship. Maybe that'll change, maybe it wont.

And, funny thing- ill post on my sitch later, but there is a chance I may have to take the kids at some point and be a full time single dad. That would mean working all during the week, and having the kids every minute I'm not at work. Wouldn't leave much time for dating or hobbies! In fact, being a dad might be the only thing I'd be doing for 15 years. That would jus end up being the bulk of my life.

I'm already at this stage right now. I have my girls 99% of the time and I'm thankful that I do. WILL NOT bring another woman into their life right now of in the foreseeable near future. These kids have enough to deal with at the moment.

That's not what I wanted. I wanted a M. But that's what I may get. And if it is...ill find joy in it. Who says I have to be married to enjoy life? Again, no sour grapes here, I am standing by my M to the end. But it would be ungrateful for me not to enjoy what God has given me simply because my W wanted out. The human spirit is extremely resilient if we let ourselves be open to the joy all around us.

This is where my main struggle is. I don't want to drag my kids between 2 or more houses. I don't want to split our family, especially during holidays and special events, into her family and my family. I hate this. So many people are affected by this, including OM's family.

OK, I'm done stomping my feet like a child.

You seem to have such a great and centered attitude about it that I just wanted to post over here and see if I could absorb some of it.

[lostluv]

just trying to catch up on your situation here. I see a couple lines that I want to quote that are EXACTLY why I'm having issues with detaching...

"It's hard to find the balance between detaching and giving up."

"Problem is that she said at DB I wasn't supportive enough of her through those tough times, but now she doesn't want my support."

makes me feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm sorry to see the alcoholism. unfortunately, you need to protect your children from this. I'm not sure how exactly as I do not want to give bad advice, but you may want to consult someone that can help you.

my wife was a big partier in college and when we were dating she drank at least once a week. after we got married , she only drank occasionally. once our daughter was born, she wouldn't drink at all...if she did it would be RARELY one glass of wine or something . I would occasionally say "we should get drunk together, it would be fun" she said she had no desire to drink.

now....the past couple months she has went out with friend(s) on several occasions and got pretty wasted. completely different person.

hope things get better for ya. good luck!

[Zues126]

Big day. Spoke with DB coach AND IC. Both agreed it was too soon to swoop in and battle for full custody. But they both were on board with me protecting myself by separating finances, etc.

I really admitted today that i was scared of my STBX in conflict. I had a tendency to be bullied, be bullied, be bullied, then just snap and become the bully because I was tired of it. DB coach said the was the model for most males. But I only get scared of her disapproval because I have mentally given her power over my self worth. She uses that to control me. To be fair, I think I did this to her too. Funny how we were both bullies and victims.

So she asked me 'what would you do if you weren't afraid of STBX's reaction?' She again told me it was time to get my own place and separate finances. She said if STBX sees taking care of myself as an act of aggression or hostility, I simply can't trust her because any court in the country would agree its only fair to take care of myself and have a place for the kids. If she says 'how am I going to pay for the house' I just shrug and say its her house, she can sell it or find an alternative. Point is, I don't tell her what to do, I just tell her what I'm going to do.

I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to discuss financial separation. I'd like to be protected before having that conversation as I don't want her to suddenly clean out the accounts, charge up the credit cards, etc.

I look forward to the day I look to myself and God solely for my self worth and make bold and righteous decisions because I'm free of this type of fear of conflict. This is my next step towards that. Stronger each day...