WAWs or Wayward M: How to SHOW change is afoot?

[Maybell]

This may take me a while to get to so I apologize if it's rambling.

I think there are times and circumstances and people for whom an affair is not a deal-breaker. And then there are times and circumstances and people for whom it is.

For me, in a long marriage with a LOT invested in my H (not just the years and the children, but the impacts of choices we've made in our time together), the affair was less of a deal-breaker. In fact, when I first heard about it, I saw it as an opportunity, because things had gotten not great between us and I thought we'd reboot as a result of the shock of his affair.

He has apologized A TON for having hurt me like that. In fact, he'd still be apologizing right now if I hadn't told him that his apologies were preventing us from moving forward in a different direction. They keep the betrayal fresh. It's nice that he's sort-of kind-of taken responsibility for the hurt his bad choice caused me, but it's not the same as actually making amends. Amends can only be done by actions. In my case, amends would have been him buckling down and making the relationship a priority. Which he has not done. Because he's still involved in his own ego.

If he had cheated on me early in the relationship, especially right BEFORE the wedding, it totally would have been a deal-breaker, because at that point it would have been a matter of me being *about* to place my trust in him, but I would have had very little invested in him, and him in me.

If it had been at that time, not only would I have been hurt at the betrayal I would have been furious with myself for not seeing all the signs that he wasn't trustworthy. (Please understand I'm not trying to hurt or shame you... I'm laying out the thinking). Everything I thought I knew about him would be proved false. EVERYTHING -- not just the affair. And I would be kicking myself for being gullible. And him hounding me to take him back... encouraging me, in effect to go against what I had discovered about my flawed judgment and to make the same mistake twice... That would be kind of insulting. Because it would have shown that my self-respect wasn't important to him either.

Now, your ex has two other marriages under her belt. She's on the hunt for the PERFECT guy. So whatever I in my naivete would have thought, she's thinking in her maturity, with her urgency and her sense of prior failures, and all that.

So you spent the first... what? Six weeks? after she found out about the affair begging and pleading and stalking her so that she got increasingly angry and entrenched in her position. Six weeks later you want to present her with another letter. First off, why do you think she would read it at all?

Remember in Sex and the City Carrie had everything from Mr. Big sent straight to a locked folder that she didn't have the password to. This is absolutely something I would recommend to others in your ex's situation. Nor am I the only one who would.

If she does't do that, the first thing she thinks when she sees anything from you is going to be "oh no, more of the same." That's her FIRST IMPRESSION when she sees your name. Now whatever she reads is going to be tainted by that thought, more of the same.

You've had two reasonably successful interactions with her. They are small to you but they are huge victories. Because they've shown that you see she has boundaries and you aren't trying to break through them. You're wiping away that "oh no, more of the same" impression from her mind. That's a big deal.

But those are small victories at the moment. You need to change her perception of you entirely and erase that first impression she's going to have. Only after you've done that will she be able to reframe her expectations of you when she opens your letter so that she can actually see what you've written. Until then what you write and what she reads will not have a lot in common. The only way to accomplish that is by continuing the no contact and replying to her a respectful and friendly way, as you've done. Restrained. It's the long road, but unfortunately it's the only road.

If you doubt that, take a look at a few threads on Newcomers where the poster shares correspondence with the spouse. There are OFTEN miscommunications on those threads that have entirely to do with expectations and a failure in contingent communications. Those of use who aren't in the marriage see them quite clearly, but it may take a couple of days of review from the vets to get the poster to reframe what they're reading. You're in that place.

Sorry this was rambly but I hope it helps.

[DBinSF]

It does help, thank you.

[DBinSF]

No update here. Just holding tight. Depressed and lonely. Trying to spend time with friends. Trying NOT to look at her FB or photos of us. Trying to GAL, but mainly mired in depression.

I've lost my shine.

[Maybell]

Well, that happens. My IC says when you're in that place, examine where in your body you're feeling it, and then start naming precisely what those feelings are made of. As you do, you'll feel them unwinding and loosening out of your body. When you've gotten through them all you will feel lighter.

To that, I would add, write them down as you name them and then pick one or two that you can do something about, and then go do it. That will help a lot.

I'm glad you're back. I could see you've had a lot to process. You will get your shine back. It's not gone forever. You're a young guy with a lot left. Remember that this too shall pass.

[Wonka]

DB,

Checking in on you...please tell us what's happening with you?

I do hope you didn't send the letter to Julia while this site was down for maintenance.

[DBinSF]

I cannot tell a lie. I did send a letter. This one:
-----------------------
Dear Julia,

I’m writing to thank you again for the kind and vulnerable message you sent on my birthday. It really made my day. I also thought it deserved a more thoughtful response, even a few weeks later.

I hope you know I remain deeply sorry for hurting you -- I think about it every day. I’m also sorry for not respecting your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that caused you pain and insecurity. You did absolutely nothing to cause or deserve any of this. Nothing.

Working with my therapist and my sponsor, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused you. I know that there is no excuse for my cheating. All I can say is how sorry I am, and that I am doing the work to fix myself and make sure this never happens again.

Please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. My only wish right now is for you to be able to heal and be happy again. If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation, discuss my progress with my therapist, or if I can simply make amends to you in person, please let me know. In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness.

Always,
Me

[MrBond]

Figures.

And did she reply?

[DBinSF]

I spoke with a number of local women who know her and they said the timing was right. She'd never gotten a real apology from me. Now I just have to let go of the result.

[DBinSF]

I just sent it an hour ago, actually.

[DBinSF]

I've also started talking my therapist about the Madonna/Whore complex. Seems very applicable to my situation. Not sure what the path to recovery from that looks like.