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Originally Posted By: MLP
I worry about being nice and friendly as showing consent, too.

I think the key to this is, it doesn't matter if we consent or not. The other person is free to do as they please, it doesn't require our consent.

When we let go of thinking we can control others, life gets so much easier.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hi maybell, I hear you on how challenging patience can be.

Just about the only two things that work for me come from the 12 steps: "Let Go and Let God" and the Serenity Prayer.

Much love,
Db


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
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Maybell Offline OP
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Thanks, Labug.

Before yesterday I thought I was communicating clearly and that I was seeing a lot of contradictory things clearly. I didn't realize how I could be seen because I know what I was trying to communicate. I didn't realize that my own warm & cool spells were confusing to my H. I think also I try to anticipate way too much what he's feeling and so I'm not sending out a consistent message because I rely on him knowing what I've told him. IC reminded me that with ADD the brain works really differently, and even without it H isn't likely to think like me if for no other reason than he's a man and I'm a woman.

Contingent communication... well, IC has said more than once that I need to be more direct and ask H what he means rather than try and decode him, so in the short term I guess what I'll try to do is that, and also to be more consistent and positive in my behavior towards him so that until he learns to see me directly on his end, at least the inputs he's getting more nearly resemble the message I want him to get. It's a tough pattern to see for myself, let alone to break.

H really challenged me on that text. He said sarcasm is a terrible way to fight. Unexpectedly I burst into big tears, biggest I've had since MC, and said, but I wasn't being sarcastic. I really meant it. I really meant, is it necessary for your happiness to be gained at my expense?

So when you say a boundary has been crossed... yes, but it's a boundary that we all knew had been crossed four months ago. I guess the difference was, I was so frustrated with my D and not having anybody to hand her off to so I could go and calm down, that it all just bubbled up and I felt like I needed to say it because his absence was making it so much harder to be the parent I want to be.

I will back off and let him parent. I did talk to my daughter about pushing him a little harder about the fresh food in the house and planning for things to do for herself so she enjoys her stays with him more. I feel like she needs to be empowered to speak up for herself as well. The kids tend to just take what he offers and then come home to complain. They need to talk to him.

Thanks very much for the feedback. I'm interested to see how softening my approach changes things, if only just for me.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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DB! Thanks for checking in!! smile

I told you you had something to add.

Last edited by Maybell; 08/21/14 03:43 PM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I have a sarcasm/12 Step story. A life changing (yes, really) realization.

I was, and still can be a sarcastic B! I was raised in a family that used making fun as an expression of love, or so they said. But making fun of someone to the point to tears hardly seems like fun to me. We didn't express any emotions honestly, everything was coded.

So if you can't beat them you join them, survival of the fittest. I became very good at it and thought I was hilarious, and witty but it was all a mask hiding a bunch of pain.

I was in an AlAnon meeting one day and a long-timer told a story about sarcasm, how destructive it is and how he had chosen not to use that weapon. I admired him so much I really listened and I made a choice that day.

Do I slip up? Sure. But I'm trying.
____________________________________________

About strengthening patience-meditation.

Last edited by labug; 08/21/14 03:52 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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Labug, if you were in the Midwest I'd ask if we were related. That's precisely what my family was like. I didn't absorb the sarcasm/wit thing so much (though my H uses it a lot and it HURTS) because I'm not that quick on my feet, but I definitely was the weak link with the tears.

I found out this past spring that my dad's dad was a serious alcoholic (WWII infantry vet with lots of bad experiences). It explains a LOT about my childhood that I wish I'd known years ago. My parents rarely drank and were really sanctimonious about that and other things. I've been wondering lately what that means for me. You've talked a lot about AlAnon and I do wonder if that isn't applicable to me even though my family was fairly dry...

Alcohol among my in-laws is a real problem for me. Before we left the west coast my H was hiding beers in his desk drawer, though I would say he drinks too much rather than that he's got a real problem. On the other hand, perhaps I'm just not facing reality... ADD and alcohol are not good companions.

It's kind of scary to think that he might actually be alcoholic or headed in that direction.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Nov 2011
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The thing about AlAnon and/or ACOA (Adult Child of Alc) is that you don't have to identify anyone as alcoholic, just that another person's drinking is, or has been, a problem for you. And it's not about fixing them, it's about fixing ourselves. I think I learned more about detaching and live and let live in those meetings than anywhere.

I'm originally from the midwest. My parents were also sanctimonious about alcohol but you don't have to dig too deep to find it's roots run deep in the family tree. Of course that was something else we never talked about and that silence is part of the problem.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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There's a lot to think about here. Self-identifying as someone who could use AlAnon is kind of scary for me.

I'm editing here... interesting how we invent stories about ourselves and it takes a crisis like this to make us see what of those stories is true and what is wishful thinking. I had always told the story that I was delightedly married to someone who was the best possible choice of husband out there and I was lucky to snag him so young or someone else might have. And that he was lucky to snag me because I'm so incredibly competent and supportive. That I come from a totally normal family with only a couple of asterisks, and that I had married into the same. All those things are sort of true... but not really true. The asterisks are bigger than I thought. And everybody I know has some big asterisks. And neither H nor I is quite the catch we'd thought we were. The world is better AND worse than I thought before all this happened.

* * *

I took my kids out to lunch today and we had a great time talking about the interests we've been enjoying this summer. They are thoughtful, funny people.

My daughter started really acting up just as we were starting out, but I held my ground and as she wanted what we were doing she settled down after a minute. As we were walking to our destination I put my arm around her shoulders and said "I just want you to remember how much I love you." She had started to jerk away when I first touched her but when she realized what I was saying she nestled in close and actually walked a couple of blocks with her head on my shoulder. I was so relieved and we have had a great afternoon.

On the way home I started getting tensed up thinking about H (kids were talking about him and we visited a place near his apartment) but I remembered "There's nothing I can do about it today" and a story I read today about how trying to force something can cause you to lose even better things.

I know, I'm pretty thick, Labug, but I got there eventually.

All will be well.

Last edited by Maybell; 08/21/14 07:30 PM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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OK, my H is a trigger.

Simple text from him to the kids this afternoon apologizing for not calling and explaining why. He sounded sad to miss them.

It triggered me missing him.

I sent him a text explaining where we were and said I was sorry things were so stiff between us. He said he understood.

I know it's only a couple of lines but my gut said he's feeling STRESSED. And I wish I were in a position to comfort him.

I did not say I wanted to be warmer. I thought it'd be better for him to see it, especially since it's hard for me to do and it may take some time for me to get there.

See? Patience kicking in.

But man, he's SUCH a trigger for me.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2014
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Maybell,
I don't really have anything to add. But I always appreciate reading your posts each night. Your insight & thoughts are helpful to processing my own stitch.

There are a few similarities in our lives, so reading your posts help me to think more about my own thoughts & feelings.

I too have a somewhat difficult D who just turned 6. I totally get the frustration of dealing with kid problems on my own without someone else to take over so I can get my composure.

My H travels/works out of town so I get the whole running the house alone so H can be successful. But yet I'm grumpy & he doesn't understand why I don't initiate ML.

And we just had a suprise Baby #3 that H questioned if I planned on my own.

Hope you have a good weekend.


H:40
Me:35
D5
S4
S3 months
Married 8 years Together 17 years
BD: 5/23/2014
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