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BigMac #2475853 08/04/14 10:56 PM
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I am just afraid that if I detach she will sigh with relief and carry on with her life, pleased that I am starting to move on...

I guess we all fear that, but I guess no risk no reward...


Me 48/Her 45
M 26 T 31
D 24 on own
D 22 On own
S 19 away at college
Wants space "confused" speech 6/13/2013
Separated 1/15/2014
Sold House 3/31/2014
Rainyday #2475863 08/04/14 11:24 PM
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Hi RainyDay, you have to get with the program. By detaching, GALing, and if you will stop pursuing your W, these are the things that might make you more attractive to her. Have you read DR?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2475873 08/04/14 11:47 PM
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Hi Wet,

I have read DR. Just weak I guess and even though we have been separated 6 mths she continues to connect at least once a week. As stated above I am realizing that she wants her cake and to eat it too. I honestly enjoy the talks, however, i feel there is no hint of progress with R anymore. She just needs someone to talk to.

I was confusing the talks with more interest, but I think it was wishful thinking, as there was never any mention of R.

Anyhow, thanks for the kick in the butt smile I will detach, and continue my GALing.


Me 48/Her 45
M 26 T 31
D 24 on own
D 22 On own
S 19 away at college
Wants space "confused" speech 6/13/2013
Separated 1/15/2014
Sold House 3/31/2014
Rainyday #2476085 08/05/14 06:13 PM
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I am torn on a particular situation and I am hoping someone out there has had experience with this.
If you read my story you will know that most of my "Friends" where "couple" friends that suddenly disappeared or became all awkward whenever I tried to connect. In fairness the inner circle was the wives with the men tagging along, but we are talking years here and we build good friendships.

I ran into my old "Buddy" and we had a few drinks. I suggested we do something and he agreed. We are planning a concert this weekend.

I guess my whats bothering me is it feels weird.... I dont know if i can trust him not to spill anything to his wife and therefore get back to my S. As alcohol will most likely be involved i will most likely spill some tidbit or 2.

As well, spending time with my buddy now becomes very painful as it is a reminder of all I have lost. We used to travel together a couple times a year as couples.

I feel that i should just cut all ties until i am more detached and therefore cancel this weekend.

Any insight would be appreciated.


Me 48/Her 45
M 26 T 31
D 24 on own
D 22 On own
S 19 away at college
Wants space "confused" speech 6/13/2013
Separated 1/15/2014
Sold House 3/31/2014
Rainyday #2476101 08/05/14 06:49 PM
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Hi RainyDay, go have fun! Out to a concert with an old friend, a few drinks, and your wondering if you should do it? May I suggest the Serenity Prayer here? All you can control is yourself. Don't blab anything that should not be blabbed to your friend, then you don't have to worry if he tells his wife anything. Keep a positive attitude when you are around your friend, just like you are working on when you are around your W. No moping! Then he'll be more likely to want to hang out with you in the future. This seems like an easy one - stop over thinking it.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2476117 08/05/14 07:19 PM
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Thanks Wet.

hehe, makes sense when you stand back and look it.

I do tend to over think. Need to stay in the now more...

As always great advice.


Me 48/Her 45
M 26 T 31
D 24 on own
D 22 On own
S 19 away at college
Wants space "confused" speech 6/13/2013
Separated 1/15/2014
Sold House 3/31/2014
Rainyday #2476194 08/05/14 11:48 PM
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Well we both took my D21 to the airport tonight to see her off.

On the way was fine as D21 was a good distraction and kept us conversing.

On the way home was hard. But I was strong and stuck to the program. Presented good PMA and was a bit indifferent. We only talked about work/kids stuff and no R talk whatsoever. When there was silences I really had to bite my tongue and let it pan out, as I usually would always try to keep the conversation going. I think this troubled her a bit or threw her off, but that's mind reading i suppose.
It was tough as in my mind, I was planning on not initiating any contact for a while and detaching/going dark.
When I dropped her off I just said goodbye and hugged.

I am hurting over it, but in a sense it felt kind of liberating. Time to look after me and GAL. (knowing my luck she will text or call about something, but I think I will maybe be busy the first time.)

The sadness was creeping up so I came here to spill. It makes me feel better to share this stuff. In a sense this is a 180 for me as well, as there was no way I would have ever posted on a forum like this previously. smile

I am glad I found this place. You all give me strength. I already feel much better.


Me 48/Her 45
M 26 T 31
D 24 on own
D 22 On own
S 19 away at college
Wants space "confused" speech 6/13/2013
Separated 1/15/2014
Sold House 3/31/2014
Rainyday #2481100 08/20/14 01:35 PM
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This detaching, going dark thing is hard. I have followed the rules for about 2 weeks now but every now and then I get this incredible urge to call or text her. I have been able to resist these urges but boy is it hard.

Today I am picking up my S20 from her apartment to come stay with me for a while. She usually asks if I want to stay for a coffee. I am not sure whether to accept or not. In all honesty, having a coffee with her and chatting would please me but I am thinking it may go against my efforts to detach. Of course she may not ask me to stay, in which case that solves that, however part of me would be very disappointed. I just don't know how I am going to handle this one.

This is almost an art form....I really have no clue whether any of this is working. Being separated makes it harder as she wont see any changes unless we meet up. i don't think she wants to meet up....that's why it is so challenging for me not to text or call. I am truly afraid that I wont hear from her for a very long time if at all. Once the S20 goes back to school in a couple of weeks I expect her to disappear and not bother with me anymore. I suppose that this is the reality that I must face. But it continues to cause me great pain and sense of loss.

To help cope, I have found a Separation/Divorce group that I meet up with now, and its great to share with people in similar situations. I have also returned to playing music again, which is something that kind of disappeared during the last 15 years of marriage. Feels good to belt out songs again, as it makes you forget about everything. I am also hitting the gym and have lost a lot of weight. To be honest i started this hoping the S would like the change, but now I am doing it more for me as I am losing hope by the day.

Hoping to here from someone similar situation. Any tips would be great.








Last edited by Rainyday; 08/20/14 01:36 PM.

Me 48/Her 45
M 26 T 31
D 24 on own
D 22 On own
S 19 away at college
Wants space "confused" speech 6/13/2013
Separated 1/15/2014
Sold House 3/31/2014
Rainyday #2481416 08/21/14 07:24 PM
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Hi Rainy;
Darned right it's an art form - staying detached.
As for W asking you to stay for a coffee, I would suggest to take her up on her offer and be totally happy, talkative and at the same time casual. Absolutely no R talk and no talk bordering on your troubled emotions. Keep it light, like good friends talking as if you're first dating. Try to be like the man she first fell in love with 30 years ago. But don't hang out too long - say you've got to get going and exit gracefully.
Afterwards you can let out your true emotions in the privacy of your own home.
Hang in there. Keep posting. Listen to what Sandi says - she's a long time vet and full of great wisdom. She's helped turn my sitch around. Also Wonka, MLP and Starsky are gems of wisdom if you're fortunate enough to hear from them. But be sure to keep posting and baring your soul here. It truly is cathartic.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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