Yes, someone upstairs is watching over you. Three interview interests? That's great and I hope that one of them comes through for you. Stay positive and good things will come your way. The world will open it's arms and embrace you w/friends, family and comfort.
Good luck with the interviews!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you, Job. Your words tend to stay with me often. Yesterday during the spin, I remembered something that I believe you have written many times on this board. To be still. When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Wait.
While I was spinning, I asked God what to do, and it was as though I heard the words 'just stop.'
Then I did. I was still feeling sick. I didn't submit anymore resumes. I didn't search any more job boards. I sat there breathing. That was all.
It does work. Every time I have prayed and waited, the answer has come.
H's favorite child is actually one of mine, D13, not his own. Makes sense, because she is the youngest and they bonded very well early on. H has kept up communication with her by texting off and on. Yesterday, D13 was dog-sitting for as part of her summer volunteer duties... I'm pretty sure this was an excuse to have her over and connect with her a little. H had about 30 minutes with her after he got home from work. They played with he dog, and updated on school, etc.
After work, I was going to pick her up and bring her home. H texted me that he would like to take D13 to dinner, and asked would I like to join them. H said he could take her alone, but he thought she may be more comfortable if I was there.
I asked D13 her preference, and she said she was fine either way, but might be less awkward if I was there. So I drove to H house, picked them up, and we went to dinner.
Earlier in the day, H asked me to spend time with him later in the evening. I said sure.
H looked good, overall, no shark eyes, seemed upbeat, but forced. Very distracted. He struggled to keep his attention on one topic. He made efforts to ask questions to D13 and he commented that he noticed he was talking a lot about himself, and laughed a little about it. He didn't text anyone once while at the table. He got up to use the restroom once, (I know, mind reading ahead...) but based on how well I know him, he was hiding something.
UN-DB OF ME I made up a story in my head, that since ow leaves for a month for Europe on Friday, h is still addicted and in withdrawal, or else back together who knows...but I believe he's taking her to the airport because he kept telling D13 he was going to need another dog sitter after 5:00 on Friday and didn't say why. He has told me if he's meeting his dad or work people.....hmmm.
So the end was a little awkward. As I drove back, D13 asked about whether we were going in, or just dropping him off, because her backpack was in the house. H said to D13 to go on in and get her stuff, and he would say good bye to mom.
I didn't get out of the car. H leaned over and gave me a hug, and a sweet kiss. I knew he was unplugged and had no expectation of seeing him later.
He said he was going to "take the night off". Whatever that meant....
UN-DB OF ME2 I assumed he was planning to see ow. I also assumed he felt guilty and that was the reason for dinner, to buy me off for the rest of the night. He wasn't doing it as a nice gesture for us....
H texted me soon after we left, thanking us for going. I thanked him back, and asked if he was ok. He said yes, why, did I look bad? I said, no, you looked great. A little distracted though. H said, "yes I have some things on my mind but I'm ok".
H was dark the rest of the night. No contact after 7:30, which hasn't happened for a couple of weeks. No big deal, really. I went to sleep as early as possible so I would feel better today. Benadryl and knocked out.
When I woke up, I saw a text from H at 11:50pm telling me goodnight.... We had been texting good night for several days. Oops, missed that one.
I didn't respond. Then a text this morning at 7:00 (while getting ready for work) "good morning. I woke up to say goodnight lol".
......as if he was alone from 7:30 on, not communicating with anyone, fell asleep and then woke up at MIDNIGHT just to text me goodnight.
Something about a turnip truck I didn't just fall off of....
Anyhoooo....
I just replied thank you.
AND HERE IS WHERE IT GETS MORE WEIRD....
H said he was sorry that he didn't communicate to me earlier that he wasn't going to have me over after dinner. That he knows what it's like to be anticipating something.... And he said he really enjoys seeing me but he felt some anxiety at dinner, and he was trying to put his finger on it. (I smelled back-peddling, guilt, and covering tracks, but who knows).
So I validated his feelings, and said I'm sorry you felt anxiety.
Then he attributed it to old baggage about my sons.....No, I didn't take the bait. I said, "Ah. Ok. Thank you for telling me." <<<< VERY DB OF ME
His response...."that's good counseling material lol". I said yes probably so. He asked if I'm still going. I said yes, every other week. THEN... He started being more serious. He said "This would be one of the things that would need to be worked out for me before I could emotionally move forward."
I validated.... "I agree this is very important. When you're ready we can make a plan to work on those things...." He reiterated, "in counseling". I said "however you want to." Then he said "I'd like to go to counseling. And just work on this one topic."
BOOM.
Soooo...a full 50 minute session of blaming, testing, controlling he conversation, justifying to himself why he did what he did.... Etc. WHERE DO I SIGN UP????
BUT.... 1. He's talking COUNSELING. (No, I get it. This is about more blaming me, not a sign he's ready for reality, but a small step...) 2. He's thinking in terms of "emotionally moving forward". (At least the thought is there, even if the ability is not)
Is this normal? I mean, normal for the abnormal?
I know I am guilty of over analyzing and mind reading... But I need advice on whether or not to agree to this. Knowing he's not really ready.
My thinking, though, is that I'm ok just listening while he throws everything out there. I won't take the bait. That one I got good at immediately after figuring this out.
Could it be helpful to use the opportunity just for the sake of showing him changes...how I listen, validate, and don't get defensive and attack back?
My thinking, though, is that I'm ok just listening while he throws everything out there. I won't take the bait. That one I got good at immediately after figuring this out.
Could it be helpful to use the opportunity just for the sake of showing him changes...how I listen, validate, and don't get defensive and attack back?
Then I would definitely go. As I learned, there is no "one" thing that will make or break the sitch...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm confused. Is this MC? Or tagging along on with him?
If it's MC, at this point it's probably a waste of time. If it's going to a session together, then quite honestly I think that could be futile as well.
If you want to go with him, listen and nod, that's your choice. Just realize you truly can't fix him and he's a long way from being fixed. I think you (even though you may not say it) are hoping that he will move through this quicker than he probably will.
I don't know. I'm no expert by any stretch. However, I think you needs to detach more and back off a bit. This is your h's crisis and only he can solve it. That's difficult to truly realize.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/21/1406:53 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I agree w/Georgia, This is his journey and he may very well be thinking out loud and saying what he thinks you want to hear. If he's still deep in crisis, counseling as a couple may not be end up the way you would like it to go. Many times, they say that they will go to counseling or thinking of going to counseling and then either show up and only hear what they want to hear and then announce that's it or they don't go. If I were you, I would continue as you have been doing, i.e., going to counseling, etc. for yourself and your children. If your h is truly sincere about going, he will make an appointment and go. He may ask you to attend and if so, you will need to listen, validate and realize that you can't fix him or hurry him along his crisis path. Don't push it. This has to be his decision to make.
Also, please keep your expectations very low or at zero. Assumptions about what he is or isn't doing, will create stinking thinking. Don't "assume" anything when it comes to him right now. He's still in crisis and their minds turn on a dime and decisions change w/the wind.
Keep the focus on you and your family. Give him time and space. Detach a bit more and allow God to work on him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
GB this would be our MC we were seeing for a few weeks when things were spiraling downward before February suicide attempt. We went three or four times after that. Then once after separation, before I knew this was MLC. MC continues to see me alone to work on my issues in hopes that h will be ready at some point. He understands MLC and has alluded to the fact that he himself had one...
Job, the thinking out loud seems to hit the mark. I do not think he is even close to acknowledging his own stuff. I don't feel attacked anymore, but I think he's looking for a loophole to skip the tough steps of the MLC full-finish. I really sense he is trying to find his way back to me.....but he's looking the opposite direction. If he can blame things on issues with stepkids, then he doesn't have to do the work himself and can justify the affair...in his mind anyway. From what I read, that won't work and will make things worse later.
If I have zero expectations about counseling being any help right now. That said, if he insists on this and won't let it go, should I consider it? I won't schedule it. I won't pursue anything on this. But if I say no, is that not another reason for him to say it's me not him? Idk....confused.
These are my thoughts on counseling. In order for counseling to be effective, one has to be honest and 2) be willing to address the issues. #1 is a huge freaking hurdle for so many because it's easier to play the victim and blame others versus looking at one's role in their own life. That said, it can certainly be beneficial although everyone won't do what's necessary. If your h is in crisis, the honesty will be difficult. Remember-his perspective is extremely skewed. Just my thoughts.
In regards to what if he pushes making you go, you could simply say "I support you and think we would benefit from counseling separately." And leave it at that.
From the sounds of it, your h doesn't sound capable of truly working on the m at this point. Maybe he will down the road.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Shining, If he insists on going to counseling and he asks you to go along, then I would consider doing it...but you will need to really listen and sift through what he's saying in the session to have a better understanding of what is going thru his head. You can nod your head and validate and if you are asked to comment or add anything, then be honest, keep things civil and no arguments. One thing that we caution about is finger pointing. Sometimes this can happen when you least expect it in sessions.
Allow him to come to you, i.e., like a moth is drawn to a candle. Follow his lead and don't rush the process. He's still got a lot of growing up to do and yes, deal w/some of his issues. It will take time for him to finally acknowledge that he's got issues, but if he is sincere in doing counseling, that should help.
Remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. A large majority of the posters here are fixers and planners. The lessons we learn along our own journey is to allow others to fix their own problems and learn that we can't always make plans that will remain in place every day. MLC certainly makes us toss out the "fixing" and "planning".
You may think you are confused, but you are on the right track, you just need to slow down, allow him to figure things out and come to you and try not to push him along the crisis path. Dig a bit deeper for more patience. This is one situation that only he can fix.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
