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#2481398 08/21/14 06:52 PM
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Dpthght Offline OP
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Hello All,
I first wanted to say that the forums have been a tremendous help in the past week and have really calmed me down and allowed me to focus on trying to save my M in a better way and by extension, better myself.

Backstory:
Well on 7/28/14 my W dropped the bomb on me when I got back from a trip. All the usual things I have been reading she said (loved me but not in love with me, I was a great guy but just her roommate, blah blah blah). I of course did the complete wrong thing that everyone does by begging, pleading, and trying to let her I loved her. Our R has been pretty good but I can definitely say we became complacent in the R. She had mentioned that I treated her well but she never felt like she treated me like a W should. She said she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. She also pointed out she has been selfish in the past couple of years not focusing on us but just on her while she knows I have been focusing on us (I don’t know if I believe her on that one). Lastly, one of her big complaints is that she hasn’t missed me in a long time. We both agree we contributed to where we are at the current time. We decided to separate, with her moving out to her friend’s house for a little while, but it appears she is going to be moving back into the house in the near future. I found out that she was having an EA with her co-worker and was really looking forward to spending more time with him outside of the office during our separation. Well that blew up in her face so she has been trying to focus on herself for the time being (which is one of the points she brought up). She is not aware that I know this information if that matters. I can tell she is conflicted in how she feels but won’t tell/show me, but she is also very stubborn and I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help her to change her mind.

I know she is looking to find herself, be on her own, and wants to have a loving, nurturing, and open R with someone (something we haven’t had in a while). Also I know she wants to start dating someone, just probably not me.

We met with a house appraiser the other day to determine how much the house is worth which will determine a lot of what happens with our finances and also how long we will be living together in the near future. She has considered doing a LT separation but I don’t know how I truly feel about that.
Well starting Sunday I have started to DB, not contacting my W unless she contacted me first. When I saw her the other day everything was cordial and no talk about the R, and she didn’t bring up the D either. I picked up a copy of DR and read it the first night, great book with a lot of great ideas. I have definitely been doing a lot of GAL in the past week. I have been eating better and working out more and probably lost 20+ llbs, started reading, started cross-stitching again, taking an active role in cleaning the house more, more walks with the dogs, spending more time with friends, going to the theater tomorrow, joined a cornhole league, and I even have an appt to learn how to 2-step and line dance with a friend of mine. That might sound like a lot of GAL but I realized in the R I never did these things which I really enjoyed. I was more focused on her during that time, but obviously not in the way she needed.

Also, I met with a C yesterday on my own, not with the end goal of winning my wife back, but to really find myself and the person I was long ago. I can tell you even after a few short days I can already tell a big difference. I feel more confident and I can actually look myself in the mirror now. I even had a friend yesterday tell me that I looked great and there was something different about me (hadn’t seen her since this all started) which made me feel really good (and no, don’t worry, not going down that path). Even the other day the W noticed that I was looking really good and to keep it up. I know these changes, no matter what happens with my W are going to be good and help me in the future no matter what.

My concern is a couple of things, will she even notice the changes that I am making from here on out (which are for me first BTW), if she notices how subtle are her comments or actions going to be, how detached do I make myself while still being confident and available with her in the house, when she is in the living room should I stay away from her or sit down and watch what she is when I’m not GAL, and lastly am I too late?

Obviously I love my wife dearly and I don’t want to see her go. I appreciate any advice you have on the matter and I look forward to updating you. If you need more info please ask and I will provide it.

Oh, I am 34, W is 30, no kids
M 8 years
T 12


Me 34
W 30
T 13
M 8
BD 7/27/14
EA Confirmed 8/6/14
S 8/2/14
D Imminent

I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
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Haven't had a chance to read it all yet, but be patient and don't do much to help her speed things along. Be patient.

Start working on you. Do some 180s on the things about you that bug her.

Read Divorce Remedy!!!


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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Yes, be patient and work on yourself; there is nothing you can do to work on your W. Make her do everything to initiate separation/divorce, etc. Don't move out of the house, don't promise to be her friend during separation, don't volunteer to do anything to hurry this along. If this is what she wants then make sure all the effort to get it comes from her. Go limp; for example W says "I want us to live apart", you say "Ok, if that is what you feel you need", but do not do anything further than agreeing.

If there is an OM involved then make it clear that you are no longer going to be her friend as long as she is involved in a relationship with someone else. If she is in the house, no gifts, conversations, acts of service, etc. Treat her like she is a roommate who has their own bf and you have your own life. If she moves out then go dark until the R with the OM is over. Do not initiate contact at all, and be very slow when replying to contact from her, and give short answers. Make her think you are enjoying your new freedom and you were out doing something with a friend/friends; don't give specifics, give impressions. Make her miss your companionship and all that you did for her. She has to think that you do not need her and that you are moving on with your life and not looking back. Do not let her cake eat.

FWIW, I didn't do these things at the beginning of my WAW's BD. I did everything wrong and continued to do so for months and I am in a much worse place now for it.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

Casey #2481505 08/22/14 12:42 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
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Casey, what is "BD"? I don't see it on the abbreviations list, other than "Big D" for Big Divorce, which doesn't make sense in this context.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2481508 08/22/14 12:50 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 63
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Bomb Drop. I didn't realize it is not on the abbreviation list. Many members use it in their signature block.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

Casey #2481550 08/22/14 04:04 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
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Ok, she already is noticing. She told you so. Keep it up.

If she's watching something you like, I say watch it. If she's not, move along. Roommates for now. Keep track of what's working and stay out of cheese less tunnels.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 63
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Dpthght Offline OP
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Posts: 63
Thanks for the replies. Today is the first day I have actually felt dread that it is going to be over. The appraisal for the house should come in today and I need some help on how to proceed.

If the house value comes in high then she is going to want to put the house up for sale immediately, granted it will take time to sell because of the price so I guess that works in my favor.

If the value comes in lower then there are either two things that are going to happen. 1, she moves back in. 2, she separates until a later date.

I know she is going to contact me today to want to meet, I can't do tonight thank God because I am going to a play. When we meet up what exactly do I say given the two options above? I don't want to sell the house immediately as I feel this process needs more time.

Completely lost, thanks again for the help


Me 34
W 30
T 13
M 8
BD 7/27/14
EA Confirmed 8/6/14
S 8/2/14
D Imminent

I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 63
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Dpthght Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 63
Well it turns out she is going to be moving back in after this weekend, or so she says. She is coming over tomorrow to pick up a few things and I know she is going to want to talk about the house and options.

I don't want to completely ignore the topic but I certainly do not want to move forward with anything involving the house. How do I respond given the above post to make it cordial but without me being a complete doormat?

Thanks


Me 34
W 30
T 13
M 8
BD 7/27/14
EA Confirmed 8/6/14
S 8/2/14
D Imminent

I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 63
D
Dpthght Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 63
Sandi/all

I tried to reply to your message but I guess it didn't make it in before the server outage. Here is some more background

We met in college, she was a freshman and me a senior. I was her first real boyfriend and she was about my 3rd real girlfriend. We had a great courtship at the beginning and truly up until a few years ago. One thing I must bring up for clarity, 6 years ago I ask for a divorce from her. I was still in love with her when I did and still cared deeply for it, my reason was purely physical. In the talks that followed she told me (this hurts to say BTW), that she hated sex, dreaded it, it hurt, and only did it to keep me around. Obviously that did not make me feel very good. A couple weeks passed and I realized that is something that we can work on and I decided to give it a try. After we talked and she started to discover herself the bedroom became MUCH better. I wouldn't have called it great, but she was enjoying herself and so was I.

In discussions with my therapist that moment was a turning point in my life. I realize now that I loved her but I was not able to forgive myself for what I did to her. It changed me from telling her and showing my love into someone that was trying not to lose her. I gave up a lot of myself in the years that followed and it wasn't the man I used to be, or the man I am starting to become because of this situation.

Our marriage as of late had become stagnant, we just became very comfortable with one another and we lost a lot of that passion every couple needs. She also started to become more focused in her career, something she never wanted to do. She is an engineer and never wanted to live the life of a manager or higher. As of late she started to want that, became licensed, dressed better, took care of herself more, and was even becoming the face of her companies department. I was so proud of her for doing that because she was becoming the woman I wanted her to be. I still support her in that regard and hope she does well in it.

In her talks with me she said she was selfish and what she did was for her and in no way was for us. She understands what I did was for me but more importantly was for us. She recently turned 30 and ever since her sexual drive has started to ramp up. I believe it is for two reasons, 1 turning 30 almost seemed like a MLC. The second, her birth control has expired (mesh) and although it is still keeping her from getting pregnant, it is no longer regulating the hormones in her body. She has also told me she is not longer attracted to me.

As I stated earlier, she started becoming involved (EA) with OM from work that she also biked with back and forth from work. When we separated, she was really looking forward to spending time with him while we are separated. That situation blew up in her face, and she started to just work on her. She knows she left because the grass is green complex (which she admitted it usually never is). However she has not shared any of this with me. I was snooping but I have stopped that as of 3 weeks ago. At least I know what the catalyst was now.

As of now, she has had a taste of that passion and she wants more, lots more, just not with me. She says she is seeing attractive people EVERYWHERE, something she never felt before.

She told me yesterday she was seeing a therapist, which shocked the hell out of me. She also noticed some changes around the house and complimented me on them and also complimented the way I looked (on Monday). I truly believe she is conflicted because I can see it in her eyes and it kills me. I want to tell her (I won't) that everyone makes mistakes, and it's never too late to learn from those mistakes and make this work. She is a very stubborn woman and I feel that she has something in the back of her head telling her not to change her mind. I did not do this on purpose, but I logged into facebook not paying attention and saw I had a message so I looked. Well apparently it was her account (used my computer I guess) and read what she was telling her GFs. The main point was that it was too late to fix anything and then more about noticed OM and even talked about the OM at her work and how gorgeous he was. I immediately signed out and haven't looked at it since.

As for me, I am trying to DB and detach myself from her as much as possible. I don't really see any hope for us except for one thing. She is still living at her friends house and on Monday, she mentioned she might try and find a place to rent for a couple of months. If she was so truly done why wouldn't she just pull the trigger and get it over with? Is she waiting for the therapist sessions to be over? Does she just want to date/sleep with other guys for a while? I am not doing anything to assist her in the D and maybe she is scared to commit to the D.

I am really lost and hopefully what I said is understandable. If anyone has any advice I would greatly love to hear it. Thank you again everyone for being there for people you don't even know.

Thanks


Me 34
W 30
T 13
M 8
BD 7/27/14
EA Confirmed 8/6/14
S 8/2/14
D Imminent

I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Posts: 12,602
Have you actually read the DB or DR books?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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