Amoeba Whisperer: "Stay in your OWN Petrie Dish!"

[GoatGal]

Well, I wrote this awesome post this morning, responding thoughtfully to everyone who took the time to respond to me...

I hit "submit" and...then I saw: "Thread locked."

There was no retrieving it.

So when I get a sec I will post the abbreviated version, no doubt which will be more digestible anyway...

---GGG

PS: Links to old threads to come. Just can't swing that mental gyration at the moment.

[Wonka]

GGG,

Just holler if you want assistance in linking your previous threads here.

[Cadet]

Next time that you lose a post like that try hitting the back arrow button, sometimes you can get them back like that.

[nero]

hey hi gg

just reading your other old thread -

you said

I find my ability to detach comes and goes. It's harder being in closer contact with him. It leaves me more vulnerable.
But I'm working on it.

i know- you left me wondering if i'll "do this forever" because it (he) comes and goes - and after three weeks totally alone in nj - i miss having someone in the house with me. I always wonder tho - if it went on for five or six weeks - would i begin to totally just let go totally?

when i'm with him here in fla i feel life is more "normal" - but always aware of disconnect (however less cold & hard than before he is now) . it's still there- ow in background. messes with my head & of course, knowing it- puts "something" between us always. (for me anyway.)


they toy with us-

we'll be total masters of our minds and emotions when this is ever done- donja think?


idk- you sounmd good, so glad for ya and nice that he shared what is up with him and so forth. it's something- for sure.

xxo

[Shining]

Hey, GGG.....you doin alright?

[Wonka]

My post to you disappeared during one of those maintenance thingys...

I said...

Me too...worried about you, GGG. Come on out and play in the lab! Missing my lab partner.

[Maybell]

Mine too... Been thinking & worrying about you.

[GoatGal]

Awwww.... thanks, Wonka, for checking in on me!

I lost a post or two during the site maintenance, (again replying to everyone who has been supporting me here), several times I tried to log on and the board was down.

In the end I decided to give it a break, so the timing was good.
Sometimes I need to get my mind on something that doesn't have the word "DIVORCE" in it!

Rest assured, the Triple G is still kicking a** and taking names!
----------------------

I haven't seen GUBU in over a week now, and that feels like a good thing.

We have still communicated via brief texts/emails/a call or two, but I have taken a BIG step back.

I am still in a bit of a "low" phase, I think it's the time of year again, (OW discovery), and next week is our 23rd wedding anniversary, which I will deliberately avoid mentioning.

I feel I've come around full circle.
It was this time last year when the chit hit the proverbial fan, and our M blew up.

I have gone through all the seasons now, with the knowledge that my life will never be the same.
---------------------------------------------------------

I have been GALing as much as I can.

I was gone last weekend for my houseboat trip with two girlfriends. Beautiful lake, very relaxing. I hardly thought of GUBU or my sitch at all. I also wasn't checking email or surfing the net, or looking at this board!

Coming home was harder, back to the chaos, animals, HIM, the work... that was a downer and I had a few really low energy days, feeling like doing anything was a struggle.

I don't know if it's depression, or I'm just worn out, or both.

I have gone through this year on such an adrenaline ride of panic and frantic/deliberate action... now that's winding down because I can't sustain it.

I feel so much better when I am out doing things; being here alone is really starting to wear on me.
-------------------------------------

BUT-- I have been sticking to my plan of better food, better sleep, more happy exercise, and continuing to GAL and work on my personal goals.

I went to an open mic last night (alone), wouldn't have gotten to play until too late, so I just had a glass of wine and dinner, enjoyed watching the other performers.

I'm shooting for another slot after Labor Day, just have to get there earlier to sign up!
-----------------------------------

This weekend I have plans every night, (also tonight if I feel like driving 45 minutes each way).

I'll be seeing friends, dancing, and DJing two dance parties, playing some late-night solo Ukulele blues at a house party as well.

So I'm busy. I have plans until the end of the year, all fun stuff.

Going to perform with a blues band at the end of the month, that was on my list for this year too.

-------------------------------------

Now that I know GUBU has gotten himself into therapy, I try to keep from having expectations about that. He has had three sessions that I know of, and I just hope he sticks with it this time.
He is still secretive about this even though I know.

I am just grateful that he apparently has discovered that getting rid of me isn't the key to happiness after all!
---------------------------------

So that's the latest.
The weather has been really nice and I've wanted to be outside more, getting some things done.

So far, no additional help forthcoming from GUBU--as you all accurately predicted!

I have given him some opportunities to extend himself a little (no pressure) and he's pretty much looking after #1.
He never followed up with asking me what I needed as far as help around here.
I guess I'm supposed to chase him down, ask for what I want... see how that pans out.

He rarely thanks me for anything, and doesn't go out of his way on my behalf at all, except to leave me a cold beer in the fridge, or do the bare minimum of what I explicitly request him to do.

Really, since he started therapy, he's really blowing hot and cold.

So I'm just staying out of the way.

I figure, it's harder to hit a hidden target (who keeps close tabs on all the ammo!)
--------------------------------------------

Interesting that his anger at me *seems* related to me either being "too happy", "rejecting" him, or having any emotion AT ALL about all the things he's done to me if they happen to come up on any level.
(Including a minor change of my facial expression to something less than delight at being in his company.)

He continues to act as though HE is the injured party here. *sigh*

We get along "fine" as long as I pretend that I'm just peachy, he's God's Gift to me and the rest of the world, and--- even though he doesn't want me-- I still need and want him, and find everything that comes out of his mouth to be worthy of the front page of the NY Times.


That pretty much sums it up, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

Factor in additional attention from nice, interesting, eligible men who do NOT consider me the Devil's Spawn in a Blue Dress, and it gets harder every day to be okay with my current reality.

But I'm not abandoning ship yet, even though it seems to be sinking...

I try to focus on what's going right, what he's doing that's good, the small progress that I'm making.
Trying to stay positive.
------------------------------

Thanks again for looking in on me!

I think about you guys often, wonder how things are going...

I stopped reading at bedtime because I found myself getting upset at OTHER peoples' spouses and the awful things they were doing.

I just don't get it... I'd like to smack them all upside the head with one of our trusty 2 x 4s!!!


Hugs to all,

----GGG

[job]

I'm glad you came back to post an update. We all have been concerned, but it's good to get away and focus on other things once in a while.

Take care of yourself and continue to post when you feel the need to do so. We are here to listen and support you in any way that we can.

[GoatGal]

Thanks, (((MAYBELL))))

And (((NERO)))))

And ((((JOB)))

And ((((CADET))))))

And (((Lois))))), (((((Bea)))))))).......

And the rest of you, you know who you are!

I'll get to you all eventually!

---GGG

[GoatGal]

Here's an update: HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT "THE FUTURE" but he's being awful nasty about it!

GUBU very pointedly didn't let me know if/when he was coming this evening, he just showed up.
(Trying to push my buttons, arriving unannounced. It's an invasion of my privacy and he knows it. So I stayed inside and ignored him.)

After a few text exchanges, he starts going into how he wants to know EXACTLY what my hours will be this weekend, how late will I be.

Because he wants to STAY here but has made it clear that he doesn't want ME to be here, for whatever reason.

He only is "willing to stay" if I'll be home "LATE".
My plans are not that specific where I can give him an exact hour and frankly, I'm sick of feeling like I have some obligation to be out of the house.
Either he is willing to have some contact with me because I LIVE HERE, or NOT.
That's up to him.

He treats me like I'm poisonous or something.
It's wearing a little thin, like if I just died all his problems would be solved.

I say, very brightly "Well, sheesh, not till the crack of dawn or anything. "

H: "Be clear. How late each night'

H: "Just trying to plan my time"

(I didn't even have a chance to respond!)

Then, H: "Monday...we need to talk... Goodnight" (It's 7:30)

I called him then, just because I thought it easier than texting when we get mixed signals.
I have a sore throat, and I croaked my way through the voicemail I left him.

I just said that I "didn't want to get our signals crossed through texting, was curious about what he wanted to discuss, and I wasn't deliberately being vague about my plans, I really didn't know. And in the past this has been a problem when we weren't on the same page...."

He texts back: "Not trying to be a chit...no talking tonight...we have time"

Time? Time for WHAT? Is he about to get kicked out of his free housing?
Let me guess---there has got to be something HE WANTS. This is a given.

Me: " Sure, I have no voice anyway "

Me: "It will be helpful to know ahead of time what you want to discuss so I can give it my full attention.
"And we can bury Eleanor (our last dog to go) on Sat/Sun"
(He'd wanted to do it this weekend.)

I get THIS RESPONSE:

HIM: " Yes you do (have a voice) and I have not tried in any way to screw you over."
" When could I have? So dump the victim crap."

(OUCH!!! We both know, he's the REAL VICTIM, right???

Him: "Here is an idea...what do you want? Goodnight."

Now what am I supposed to make of THAT ^^^????

What do I want?
In life?
In his divorce settlement?
From HIM personally?
For extra help with chores?

Mr. Vague-Don't-Want-To-Be Pinned-Down-On-Anything....
Who knows????

Me: (COOL AS A CUCUMBER) " I meant, no 'speaking' voice. I sound like a frog on the voicemail I left you. Maybe you didn't listen to it"

I didn't bite.... I drank from the STFU bottle, and had a big old piece of CTHD.

(Calm The Hell Down)


Him: "OK....be safe...tomorrow..." (Clearly now a bit cowed.)
(Vague as usual. "tomorrow..." what, exactly? Whatever.)
--------------------------------------------

To be clear, I have not seen or spoken to him in person in more than a week, maybe a few words on the phone.

I haven't gone out of my way to see him--why should I?

He's here for 30 minutes or so, I'm not going to chase him around the property to say "Hi!" just so he can feel like he's got me on a string.

He didn't stay to see me when I came home from my trip, he hasn't sought me out, so, WTF?

He knows where to find me.
He can ASK me to come out and say "Hi."
He doesn't, for whatever reason.

Oh well!

No doubt he's mad.... about whatever he gets mad about.

"What do you want?"
Hmmm..... Talk about the million dollar question.

Well, first of all, I want not to have any more contact with the "Cut the Victim Crap" Guy!

H: " Sorry for the sloppy texts, driving, but I want to talk about the future. I thought you would know that."


I will tell him I am not willing to discuss speeding up his divorce, or moving out. Anything other than that, I will be willing to talk about.

I have not said that to him--yet.

Thought you all would enjoy this little bit of MLC banter!

Have a wonderful evening!

Your Pal, the Triple G Gumby Goat Gal!

---GGG

[GoatGal]

NEED SOME HELP, GUYS!

I sent back:

ME: "I don't 'know' anything anymore."

And I'm thinking about this:

"And you don't need to ask what I 'want'."


"You have always known."
I've said a bunch of times what I wanted from him when we were having R talks.
He knows.
I think he wants me to offer--and he is CLEARLY NOT READY!

Or he wants to start making changes to move his divorce forward/or ask me to move out/plan for our eventual divorce?

"You are still my husband."

"If that's not what you want, it's your choice to make."

"But please don't ask for my help in changing that."


Thoughts??? This really puts me out there to be shot down. But it does open a door. I can shut the door on D talk. There is NOTHING HE CAN DO TO ME but cut me off financially, or try to strong-arm me into working on getting the house ready to sell... whatever. I don't have to do any of that, and I won't until at the earliest--next summer!


---GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

It is clear that H's all over the map with his thoughts, feelings, and words. Whatever he's going through is clearly making him frustrated and it is coming out of every orifice in his body. Also see a lot of projection there as well.

Good job on not falling for his crap.

Now when you have the talk about the future, I suggest that you throw out some real hard truth darts at H about the double-standard of him coming and going as he pleases while demanding to know your "hours."

What about him??! He is not your boss and cannot treat you like that any more. He cannot control when you want to come home. It is your boundary.

I find it ironic that he doesn't want to be AROUND you when you are in the house because he is not comfortable on certain days/times. It is not like he has to put on a hazmat suit to enter the house..ya know!

Fer cryin' out loud...it should be YOU who needs to put on the hazmat suit!

[Ss06]

I think it's GREAT how you handled the "no voice" misunderstanding on his end. Way to stay calm and explain his misunderstanding simply and directly with no "you idiot" implied (though secretly maybe it was. LOL).

On the other hand, I wonder what would happen if you just listened. He wants to talk about the future. Take the win. Sit and listen to it. Validate. Listen more. You two are involved in a dance of this back and forth stuff and it's NOT WORKING. Are you willing to do something different? What?

I'm sorry about Eleanor.

Keep your head up. You know your strength and grace and that is a GREAT thing, GGG!

[GoatGal]

Wonka, you are SO RIGHT!

But I'm not sure how to proceed.


He may be trying to feel me out---

I doubt he means "WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A DIVORCE SETTLEMENT."

That's a bit premature.

As is any talk about "the future".

There IS no future with a guy who says to his wife after all he's done:
"CUT THE VICTIM CRAP"

I've heard that one before, btw.

It was right before he said: "I've given you EVERYTHING!!!!!"


I think it's a loaded question.

Probably he wants something, he wants me to pursue, to invite him to come home, even into the basement, with no strings attached.

Maybe his freeloading ride at his friend's house is done.
It's been six months.
Sounds about right.

Even she must have SOME limits.
----------------------------------------

But this man is clearly not ready to have a conversation, much less move back home!

I think he is VERY AFRAID and wants me to make the first move, to reassure him.
But that puts me in a bad position, to do anything more than suggest he might get his act together someday, maybe.

But certainly being nasty to me is not really getting him any traction...
--------------------------------------

He has been really angry on and off lately.

I still don't see any real insight, no real kindness, except on rare occasions.

It if were ME that wanted to talk about the "future", I'd be much nicer.

And he knows full well I'm not going to discuss or help him divorce me. Or move.

I really don't even need to mention that.
I've made it clear on many occasions.

That when he could divorce me based on state laws, that he could if he wanted to and I couldn't stop him.

He knows this hasn't changed.

And sorry, but three therapy appointments hasn't cured him, obviously!

He probably is getting kicked out.

That's my Crystal Ball prediction.

He sure as heck ain't acting like he wants to be my boyfriend or anything.


I'm wondering if I should just keep doing what I'm doing.

It's clearly driving him batty!!!

---GGG

[GoatGal]

Thanks, SS,

I think that's a very wise tactic to take.

I think, knowing him, that he will try and force me into taking the lead and opening myself up--he will not be vulnerable.

After all, he didn't offer up anything but "the future" and "what do YOU want?"

He won't say what HE wants. Then he might not get it.
(I wonder if his therapist suggested this. It's actually very odd at the moment.)

But honestly, I don't want to talk about anything heavy with him.

He's a MESS.
It could go very wrong even if I do everything right.

But listen, validate... I can do that.

And agree to do nothing except think about whatever is said.

Thanks!

---GGG

[Ss06]

I will never understand why so many men see vulnerability and weakness as synonymous. What is THAT about?

[GoatGal]

Ss06,

I wish we knew. We'd be rich!



--GGG

[Wonka]

Validation: Cheat Sheet

[GoatGal]

Ahhhh....Wonka's HANDY DANDY VALIDATION CHEAT SHEET!


(How I wish I had a working printer. But it will be good practice to copy it all out by hand tomorrow!)


I think I'll open with: "Why don't you tell me what's on your mind? I'm willing to listen..."

And if he's vague, as always: "You know I'm not great at reading between the lines. Could you spell it out for me/provide an example/give more detail?"


And NOT answer that "what do you want?" question!
Yikes.
Not out of the blue like that.
That's a real can of worms.

In the past he's asked, I've told him, and he's said: "Well, you're not going to get it."
(And not that nicely, either.)


And I will not offer much on my end, except to send out a few well-timed "Truth Darts" as suggested, let him know the door might be open if he does the work.

Then if he starts pushing for something I don't want, I'll validate, thank him for talking with me and sharing his feelings and thoughts, and say we can talk more another time.

But I will not agree to anything that is not in MY best interests.


---GGG

[Wonka]

I think I'll say, "Why don't you tell me what's on your mind? I'm willing to listen..

Try this approach:

"It seems to me that you're probably stressed out lately...why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"

[Cadet]

All he is saying are a bunch of WORDS.

Rule #1 - DETACH

Rule #2 - Believe none of what he SAYS! 1/2 of what he does.

Everything out of his mouth is garbage and lies.

Are you following these simple rules?

I also like Wonka's idea to listen.

[job]

GG,
MLCers like to talk babble speak. You have to really listen to what they are saying and sift through the garbage to get to the bottom of the babble. Body language will tell you more about what your h. Be patient, but listen and do not try to reason w/him. You can't reason w/someone who is emotional, as well as bouncing off the wall like a ping pong ball.

[GoatGal]

Grrrrrrrrrrr.. I wrote a nice long reply and lost it in the ozone. Again.

I am going to edit it in my head and post later...
----------------------------------------

Rest assured, Cadet and Job, if I have learned one lesson in DBing, it's:
"Don't believe anything they say, and only half of what you see."

GOT IT!


His communication is so bogged down with MLC gobblety-gook, it's incomprehensible anyway.

I am trying to comb through for some "kernels" that might be significant, or not.

However, I'm clear on the fact that this is just "blah-blah-blah" spewing weirdness from him.
Hot and cold as it's been lately.
---------------------------

All I *think* I *know* is that he wants *something* and apparently isn't willing to ask for it.

There *seems* to be an element of pressure involved, maybe a timeline?

If he didn't want/need something, believe me, he would NOT be asking to "talk" about anything!
This is the Master of Avoidance, remember?

But he did say "We have time" which implies there *might* be some sense of urgency there.

Maybe someone (therapist, friend he's freeloading with), is giving him pressure to get an idea of where he stands?

Because he sure doesn't seem to be willing to set the stage for a real conversation, by way of being kind and willing to understand how I might feel, as evidenced by the texting nastiness.

(Yes--- I know he's incapable of doing this ^^^, which is why his wanting to "talk" is weird!)

In any case, for whatever reason or agenda, he *seems* to want ME to do all the heavy emotional lifting, without sticking his own neck out.

I understand that I will likely have to be the strong one and extend myself first/more than he will be able to.
But on the other hand, am supposed to put my head willingly on the emotional chopping block? I think not!
----------------------------------------

Not trying to mind-read here ^^^, just doing as suggested:

Sifting through the mud for something useful for my "talk" preparation.

A discussion of some sort seems inevitable, so I want to be as prepared as possible, while having NO EXPECTATIONS, positive or negative.
Just keep everything very open--validate, listen, get his POV... and beat it out of there if he starts pushing.

I will prepare for the likelihood that he will want to talk about what's important to HIM, what HE wants, etc.
So far that's been pretty much the case.
No reason to believe that will change.

I must be prepared for him pushing an agenda, because I have a strong sense that's what's driving this.

Any desire to reconcile, come home, or get closer to me isn't supported by his recent actions whatsoever.
Anyway, based on recent history, it would be a huge shock.

But "no expectations"... so we will wait and see.
Just trying to get all my ducks in a row.

Remember the Asperger's.. I'm not so good on the fly with things like this.
It's out of my realm of practice and experience, and he is a very good manipulator.

----------------------------------

And, my dear Cadet, you'll be happy to know that I am feeling more detached at the moment, and this latest bout of weirdness has had me chuckling more than anything else.

I am not feeling upset, angry, or anything else, other than amused. Really!
It's easier to detach when I see him acting like such a whack-o!
It's harder when he's being nice and allowing in that little sliver of hope.

Not being around him makes it SO much better, but I don't think it's helping our R. On the other hand, maybe it is.

Hard to know anything, really.

Thanks guys/gals!
More to come...

---GGG

[Shining]

It's easier to detach when I see him acting like such a whack-o!
It's harder when he's being nice and allowing in that little sliver of hope.

^^^^^^ ain't THAT the truth!!!!!^^^^^^

Glad to see ya back, GGG!!!

[GoatGal]

Remind me, my next thread will be entitled:
"GUBU and GoatGal on the Triple G Ranch"

And yes, Wonka, if the offer still stands to post my previous threads, I'd appreciate it.

I know it's "supposed to be" easy, but it's not. For me, anyway.

---GGG

[GoatGal]

Missed you, Shining!

I was catching up on your roller coaster ride last night.

At least it's not boring, right?




---GGG

[Matt165]

Hi GGG,
You know what stinks the most about not just your, but all of our sitchs? It's the fact that the a$$hat MLC gets to drop the few lines about wanting to talk "about the future", or "Stop playing the victim", then says that talk will happen 3 days from now (why the heck even say anything if he wants to wait 3 days AND won't tell you what it is he wants to talk about? A$$HAT!) and then we LBS's have to wonder and worry about what the heck is up! Odds are he will forget all about "talking" by the time Monday comes around since MLCers can't seem to keep a coherent thought for more than an hour or so. I swear it's a control thing that many of them use.

By the way, did GUBU know where you went off to while you were gone? Could he be wondering where and with whom you were when you went on your lake trip? Not sure just a thought.

[GoatGal]

Hey Matt,


Yes, it's the PITS!

You're right.
They muddy the water, drop in a lure...and we wonder...do we risk a bite?

We can't always avoid R discussions, but it's hard to know if they'll be productive or destructive. It probably depends on the lunar phase and how much tin foil they have for their hats...

It can make you crazy right along with them.

This is a significant change in GUBU's behavior, but I suspect he is not the one initiating it.
I can say he's been more wacky, more nasty, keeps updating his dating profile, (less lies, hmmmm) has been feeling me out on little things, but then when I keep acting as though I am moving on, he gives ME the "Well, I won't miss you, how soon are you leaving? I can't wait!" treatment.

*sigh*

As for the boat trip, it was with two girlfriends he knows.
Although there was talk of male strippers dressed like firefighters (lake unit), mounds of cocaine, and a floating casino...

Thanks for popping by!


-----------GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

Here are your previous threads:

The Amoeba Whisperer: "It's All Dog Training!"

The Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

"Speak Softly": The Amoeba Whisperer

"Speak Softly": The MLC Version

"Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick"

GoatGal: "I'm BAH-A-A-A-ACK!" Now What?

Wising Up Slowly, What's Next?

22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries

[Wonka]

GGG,

I think the lunar changes is turning GUBU into a Werewolf!

[Wonka]

Thinking of you tonight, sweetie. Sending you positive vibes your way.

[Atsbaby]

GGG,

I agree 100% that it's so much easier to detach when you have less contact and especially when you don't see them!

You're a strong lady!! Keep it up

[Nitty]

Ugh! I get the "You are just loving being the victim, aren't you?" all the time!

A variation: "Yeah, I know, you are the victim and I am EVIL bla bla bla. Get over it."

And yesterday this came via email: "Stop trying to be the victim or whatever the hell you're doing because it is only pushing me further away."

GUBU and Mr. Gritty must be passing the same script back and forth between the two of them.

[Ss06]

My H, the WAH, is the victim player in our scenario. It's the strangest thing to me. I mean, I know that it's not easy being the WAS and there is pain there, too. I see that, I really do but really? You're a victim? I just don't get it.

[Ggrass]

Ugh! I get the "You are just loving being the victim, aren't you?" all the time!

A variation: "Yeah, I know, you are the victim and I am EVIL bla bla bla. Get over it."

And yesterday this came via email: "Stop trying to be the victim or whatever the hell you're doing because it is only pushing me further away."

GUBU and Mr. Gritty must be passing the same script back and forth between the two of them.

Snap! I wish they out just snap it off and take it with them.

[GoatGal]

Thanks for posting my threads, Wonka!

I don't know why that stuff is hard for me, but here's an example:

I've seen that "Liberty Mutual" commercial on TV a bunch of times.

I didn't notice that it was about insurance until last week or so.

Anyhow. I'm a native New Yorker and I kept focusing on the fact that the Statue of Liberty is always in the background for the various commercials.

And why that one guy has such a weird "crease arrangement" in the front of his jeans!
How did the producers allow such emphasis on his "package"?
Did that sneak by the editors? Wardrobe department?
Was it intentional, subliminal?

I was trying to figure out from my memory exactly where the actors were standing...what the vantage point was for the shot.

Then wondered why they kept filming in NYC... Ellis Island?
Immigration? Were these people supposed to represent immigrants?

See what I mean.....?????
It's bizarre.
Creative, funny, but not always functional.


I realized two days ago: "LIBERTY"+ Statue of Liberty. Duh.


Now, if I were really paying "attention" it would have been OBVIOUS.

But the point is, I tend not to see or pick up on things that regular folks do.
My mind goes to the corners, tangents, weird connections.


Once again, it's missing the forest for the trees.


So thanks again for the help!


---GGG

PS: And yes, GUBU has been sprouting hair (gray) in some odd places lately, so maybe the "Werewolf" diagnosis is correct!
I'll check on the next full moon.

[GoatGal]

And Ats and Nitty,

Thanks for chiming in!

Atsababy, Yes, detaching would be very easy if I just moved to Italy and lived in a lovely villa like Diane Lane did in that movie,
"Under the Tuscan Sun".

In the film, her marriage blew up, (I think her H was a chit), her heart was broken.
She did the ultimate GAL--- she took off to Italy for a guided tour, decided to step of the bus in a small rural town that just resonated with her. And she stayed.

She bought an ancient, run down villa, started making it livable, had some awful moments where things went terribly wrong when she questioned her choices.
She was sometimes afraid--of being on her own, of things that go "bump" in the night.
She struggled with the language, the locals and their impression of this single American woman, found "Romance", and was exhilarated...

Her experienced broke her down, but as she healed and grew, she was rebuilt even stronger as an individual, and as a woman.
She arrived at midlife a confident and resilient person in her prime.

She lost a husband (and the romance has its own story) but she found a home--she MADE A HOME-- and she became part of a community.

She build her new life herself, and she made her own happiness.

A great example for us DBers!



So is "The Bionic Man/Woman"

Circumstances may have destroyed parts of us, but those are being replaced with improved parts that make us stronger, better, wiser----and better looking!



There's another great movie I want to watch again.

It's about an English Woman who finds herself single at mid-life and travels to Greece, where she re-discovers herself, finds love, swims naked in the ocean, eats a lot of great Greek food overlooking the water, drinks a lot of Retsina...all this feeds her soul which has been starved for many years. She positively GLOWS as she too, comes into her own in the second half of life.

I wish I could remember the name. The title has her name in it... I think Peter Coyote is in it too.


And there's a foreign film entitled "The Wall" that was inspiring to me as well.
(Scandanavian...?)

It's about a mid-life woman who finds herself suddenly trapped alone in a rural area behind an invisible wall, cut off from the rest of the world.
She survives by strength, mental preparation, and sheer will.

I watched that film maybe seven times during this past winter when I was first up here on the farm on my own, often with no power, chopping wood for heat...melting ice to water for the animals, to bathe.
Playing my ukulele by candlelight, waking with the sun and going to sleep when it was dark.

No one to talk to, no GUBU... peaceful, and so much work to do I didn't have much time to think about things.

Looking back, I actually enjoyed that time.
Never thought I'd be saying that...but it's true.

I think about ssonas. Her circumstances were similar. I wonder how she's doing out there in the wilds of Ireland...


So, three great films about adult women on their own, coping with the changes and making the most of things.

They're GALing, BABY! Just like us.

Like it or not, we're coming out on the other end of our experience better, stronger, and with more coping skills than the average therapist. Which, hopefully, we'll never be called upon to use in similar circumstances ever again.
Once is enough for me!



---GGG

[GoatGal]

And nitty, that "don't play the victim" attack is not a new tactic from GUBU.

It's one of his manipulations.
When he doesn't like being shown in the harsh light of REALITY, he turns it around to be about me and my "shortcomings".
He's dealt with any complaints this way for our entire marriage.

But I've read a lot of books and learned how to sidestep this stuff. It took awhile, but this sort of thing doesn't work on me much anymore.

I'm wise to most of his tactics and this does annoy him because it's how he "copes" and when it doesn't work, he really doesn't have any other way of dealing with things.

It was about when he figured out that he couldn't manipulate me any more and that I knew a lot of his "secrets" that he filed for divorce.

That suggests that unless he was able to "control" me by being manipulative and continue be be secretive about his porn use, I was no longer going to work for him as a wife.

This is definitely part of the big picture for us.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Anyhow, over the years when he avoided ML with me (often) it was "BECAUSE":
(Not because he was turning to porn, or had intimacy issues he needed to deal with, noooooo...
It was--you guessed it---MY fault!)

The following is one of my favorite excuses:

"You're not political enough. It's not your fault, I knew that when I married you. But if you were more political (sold more artwork, cut your hair, made more antipasto...) things would be different."

I have since learned that this type of obfuscation is very typical for addicts of any type. They don't want to face their addiction (porn, in this case) so they HAVE to deflect blame.

And for the record, this "political" thing is crappola!
He used to be politically active DURING THE VIETNAM WAR. Not so much these days!

Anyhow, I was always so confused by these manipulations that they would work on me pretty well.

I would defend myself, it would escalate into a fight, he would twist me around more (easy to do!) and then point the finger at how irrational I was, and wasn't it OBVIOUS why he didn't want to have sex with me?
I was clearly a hysterical person...

Forunately, I have learned a LOT since BD and his tactics no longer work with me.
I often catch it when he is pushing my buttons, deflecting blame, redirecting the conversation, muddying the waters...forcing me into a position where I feel the need to defend myself.
He'd wind me up, get me spinning, then sit back smugly saying "SEE? You're OUT OF CONTROL."

I always know that some evasion is coming my way when I hear:

"Well... THAT was BECAUSE YOU---fill in the blank---"
I know that what comes next will be 100% EXCUSE aimed at not taking responsibility.
---------------------------------------------------------------


How can any of our spouses convince themselves we "deserve" the treatment we've gotten?

In GUBU's case, he has said, by way of JUSTIFICATION:

Somehow, I drove him to it, because:

1. He was unhappy, ergo, I wasn't making him happy as I was supposed to. I failed.

2. He didn't love me anymore because I was unlovable. He never loved me, just married me because I MADE HIM. Again, my fault.

3. He only lied to me because he didn't want to hurt me, and because I am so irrational that I would get upset with him if he told me about his OW and all the other sordid stuff. It's my OWN FAULT that he HAD to lie to me to protect himself and myself from my insane reactions.

Does he REALLY believe these things?
Deep down, I doubt it.

But this is what he tells me, and no doubt himself, when the need arises.

After all, how does a guy who considers himself loyal, decent, with serious ethics, betray his wife and hurt her so deeply, destroy his marriage, threaten his job, his home, his financial security, everything he's worked for?

He has to make it someone else's fault.

He had no choice.
He was "trapped in a miserable marriage" and was SO LOYAL and DEVOTED that he couldn't step up and be honest, he "stayed" out of duty... until he got caught.

Yep. A really great guy, all around. Totally NOT HIS FAULT.
-------------------------------------------------------------

They have to find ways to rationalize what they're doing, because they want to believe they're good and decent people who are only searching for the happiness they deserve, because we're not giving it to them.


Don't even get me started on how he damaged OW, big time. That's "love" for you!

Not that I care. Now there is someone who DID deserve it. Witless creature.

"You reap what you sow." And she got hers, with no help from me!


Now go reap some GAL and PMA seeds, and see what grows!

Have a fabulously DBing day, Y'all!

---GGG

[Matt165]

Hey GGG,
I got a lot of the same and this little gem..."I had to tell you that I wanted a D and I didn't want to even try and "fix" our M because you asked what was wrong and I HAD to be HONEST". So, if I hadn't noticed that you were acting cold and hateful, hadn't asked what was wrong, you wouldn't have had to get a D? Sure, it's all my fault because I could tell something was wrong and I wanted you to be happy.

You know how long the list can get! All we can do is laugh (even when we feel like crying) and move ahead! Have a great holiday weekend. Lord knows we all are "laboring" so much lately and we can use the break!

[GoatGal]

Matt,

This weekend is going to be a "GUBU Intensive Lab Session".
He'll be here all day Saturday, staying over Sat and Sun nights, leaving Monday some time.

During this time, he wants to "talk" about "the future" and what I "want".
I have no idea what any of this means, but you all will be the first to know!

I have some great GAL plans myself and will try not to be around him much.

I am trying to be as prepared as possible, but at some point I'm going to have to "wing it" and reply on my general DBing practices.

I admit I am a little nervous about it, but I'm thinking of it like a performance.
It's not real, just playing a part.


"Lights, camera, ACTION!"

GGG: "Line?.... Line?... Please?"


---GGG

[kml]

During this time, he wants to "talk" about "the future" and what I "want".
I have no idea what any of this means, but you all will be the first to know!

Really only two options:
1) he wants to talk about reconciling (unlikely, but weirder stuff has happened), or

2) He wants to make progress on the divorce (more likely, since he has filed and you have been living apart for some time now).

Assuming the conversation turns out to be about #2, some recommendations for you:

A) Don't appear to be dragging your feet! Just kicking screaming or shutting down saying "I don't want to talk about this" will not delay the inevitable, and won't help you in your negotiations. Instead, try the Aikido trick - go WITH his body weight to unbalance him. "Oh, really, H you want to talk about dividing the property? Well, I was thinking you would move back here, buy me out of the farm, pay me X amount of alimony, and I would move to an apartment in the big city where I could play at more music gigs and start my fabulous new life".

B) If you haven't seen an attorney yet, do NOT agree to anything. Just take his suggestions and say "I'll have to run that idea by my attorney"

C) Stick to business, stay out of any emotional, blaming, spewing whatever. If he spews, then say "We'll have to discuss this later when you can stick to business and be more polite"

D) If he makes you an offer - no matter how ridiculous or far from what you think is fair - just take notes, clarify what he means, and then tell him you'll have to discuss it with your attorney.

[GoatGal]

Well, kml, I hope you're wrong but it's good to be prepared.

I don't see a real benefit for him pushing through a divorce at this time.
He's an emotional mess, hates to be alone...not thinking clearly.
Not that that stops them.

I know that mature women who have their act together are not going to get into a relationship with him until he's divorced...and then some.

Of course, him not being divorced yet is hardly the only thing running them off at the moment!

When I kicked him out the day he served me (he wanted to stay), I said:
"Get HELP or GET OUT."

Well, now he's getting help.
Hopefully it's not the "just get rid of your wife, close that chapter, ignore everything that's clearly an issue, and try your luck with other women." type of help.

Could happen though. I've heard some stories on this board. Just today, in fact!

----------------------------------------------------

I like the idea of taking him off balance by going in HIS direction.

I have already told him my "plans" as they are, several times.
He knows what I want--in a settlement, in a partner, for my life.
I don't think he's forgotten.

I told him I was going to take all the time the law allowed to get centered, look around at where I might want to go.
He remembers this too, I'm certain. I just said it last week.

(Or I might want to stay right here with a roommate, either way, I'm not doing ANYTHING until I HAVE TO.)

I have already agreed that if he wanted to divorce, I wasn't going to try and stop him.
I don't want or need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love and value me.
I do not want to be with him unless he works on his issues, learns to cope better and be the kind of partner I deserve.
He knows this as well.

Right now I'm in no condition to even THINK about moving three states away, packing my stuff, rehoming my animals...going through the divorce itself.

I have clearly stated this several times, and I KNOW he heard me.
-----------------------------------------------------------

At this time in my journey, I'm just trying to get back on my feet while GUBU is doing the Voodoo Death Dance all around the house...

It's all I can do to sleep and eat properly, GAL and keep my head and heart straight.
Packing, and doing yard sales, and moving my studio are out of the question at this time.

He can't push a divorce through until Feb 2016, so I have time.
It's going fast, though.

Just because HE might want to speed things up, it's not MY problem.


My response will be:

"I don't believe divorce is the only solution, but I will not stop you.
However, I will not help you either."

It will be upon HIM to finish the process at that date if that's what he wants.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting tight, as is MY RIGHT in this state.

BOOM!


---GGG

[kml]

Right now I'm in no condition to even THINK about moving three states away, packing my stuff, rehoming my animals...going through the divorce itself.

I have clearly stated this several times, and I KNOW he heard me.
-----------------------------------------------------------

At this time in my journey, I'm just trying to get back on my feet while GUBU is doing the Voodoo Death Dance all around the house...

Okay - reality slap - he served you with divorce papers 6 months ago! Even though it can't be finalized for another 6 months, you NEED to be working on it! Get an attorney, figure out your demands,PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND. This is a financial issue, just business, keep it separate from your emotional part of the relationship. But just sitting there say to him "I'm going to drag my feet as long as I possibly can" is NOT going to benefit you in the long run. Better to give him at least the APPEARANCE of cooperating (you can always drag out the steps between now and next Feb without LOOKING like it's on purpose). Until you drop the rope he'll just be engaged in a struggle against you to get "free". Once you start working on the divorce there's a greater likelihood the reality will slap him in the face.

[GoatGal]

Ok...Ok... I get it.

I have an attorney, have had since OW discovery last year.

My L advised me that if I want to stay put, that's my choice.
That I can choose to do nothing at all.

After two years, GUBU will have to prove we've lived "separate and apart" before he can divorce me.
So it's actually 18 months from now that he can finalize it.

If it were in six months, I'd be way on top of it, trust me!
I decided that I was going to give myself until my birthday 2/15, to start making some hard decisions. That will be one year since I was served.

This year has been devoted to healing, looking around at my options, making connections, soul-searching, working on myself, looking for employment, and deciding what I want to do.
----------------------------------------------------

However, I see your point.
This can look like resistance to GUBU and cause him to push harder.

So---I can make it appear as though I'm willing to move this along.

I can fake it. I can call my lawyer.
I can give him a list of my "demands".

Call his bluff--if it is a bluff.

In any case, I sense that this "talk" is designed to get ME to put all MY cards on the table, while he plays his close to the vest.

That ain't happening, that's for sure!

Thanks again, kml, it's sound advice and I will keep it in my brain with the rest of the script!


---GGG

[Maybell]

GGG, I just want to say I've always admired your attitude.

[GoatGal]

kml,

I wanted to add---

Part of the above ^^^ was me taking control of my life, and not allowing his craziness to force me to make major life decisions I was in no condition to make.

The "experts" say to make no major changes for at least a year after a major trauma/life-altering event.

And I agree.

He can want what he wants, on whatever timeline he wants, but I will not be pushed into any action which is not in my best interest.

My health and well-being are the most important thing to me.
Much more important than GUBU and my relationship with him.


Saving my marriage is important, but not at the expense of myself.

Does that make sense?
--------------------------------------------------------------

That said, after a few false starts, I have consistently supported his decision to divorce. I don't want to be married to a man who behaves this way.

I wrote a letter, stating that it was probably for the best, but that I would take the two years to do exactly what I said about making decisions and getting grounded. I followed this up with verbal support for his decision many times.

He seemed to understand that then, and has never pushed to finalize it.
There are many things he might have done that would have pretty much forced me to speed it up, but he has very pointedly not done those things.

He hasn't even gotten his own place.
He's still waiting...for something.
(It can't be because he thinks I'll be moving out soon, because he knows better.)

But this is all conjecture.
For all I know, he's decided "it's time" and now he's going to apply the screws to me after all!

It's been a year since he's been in any kind of R (that's with OW, I can't count our M).
Maybe he's feeling the pinch and wants to move ahead. I know he's lonely.
That's a FACT.

I guess we'll find out what the "talk" will be about.

The last time I got my knickers in a twist he just wanted to see how I was.

Now I see that was a false start. He had an agenda, but chickened out I guess.
Now he's at it again.

Can't wait!!!!


---GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

Ellie (aka kml) makes very valid points on the other side of the equation: divorce from GUBU's perspective. I agree to a point.

I just don't think that you have to bend backwards just to be cooperative if a divorce isn't what you want and GUBU seems to be lukewarm to the idea (his actions has shown this thus far). Let him do the paperwork and present you with a plan/offer. Then sic your lawyer on him with your needs and wishes as it will become a business negotiation.

If...a big IF....GUBU repeats his request for a divorce and wants to proceed ahead with it, then I you can say "I am sorry to hear this. You know this isn't what I want, but will not stand in your way or do your legwork. You will need to work with my lawyer on this."

Or it could be other reasons for 'the talk'.

1) Concern about your health as you've had some rapid weight loss

2) Discussion about taking care of the animals that have been a drain on your time and energy

3) or...gasp!....his recent mystery appointments

4) Wants to talk about the elderly dogs

[Matt165]

Wow, GGG,
I like your state, a lot! In mine all one spouse has to do is say "I want a D" and wait 60 DAYS! I love that it takes 2 years in your state. If only one person wants a D AND there are no "grounds" (like adultery), there is NOTHING that can be done to stop it. My W certainly has no "grounds", that's for sure and I would like to delay if only for our D14's sake but I have no way except to fight the "terms" and once my W's lawyer says he'll accept it's over. If it's not accepted, it goes to court and that doesn't take long at all.

Just be cool, you have all the advantages in your sitch. Get some sleep, be ready and at your best. You can handle GUBU and his crap, no worries.

[Mighty]

Matt- 20 days in my state. It just has to be "irretrievably broken" for 6 months, which you really don't have to prove. They said separated for 6 months is proof, but xh filed after 4.5 months.

[GoatGal]

Yep.

It's two years here, and he has to PROVE it.
No sharing meals, sharing a bed, doing each other's laundry.

Heck, even the fact that we text each other and spend so much time together is a no-no.

Now...if I wanted to get a D from him, I could get one in 90 days start to finish.

Just have to prove his adultery. Wouldn't be difficult at all since I have the phone records, hotel receipts, witnesses...

There is also the juicy part about forcing OW to take the stand, have people testify---yummy!!!

Not DBing, and definitely the M would be over, but if I wanted a D, it sure has a certain ring to it, doesn't it?

In fact, it's THE DAY AFTER I MENTIONED THIS "FAULT DIVORCE" as a possibility from my end, that HE filed.

I wonder sometimes if it was to stop ME from divorcing him in 90 days!

His lawyer is a newbie---apparently he still doesn't know that I can counter-file with a fault divorce at any point and still be done with him within 90 days!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

And Wonka,

I think you may be right.
I never thought of it that way...
I can see this is important to you.
Hmmmmm.... I'm going to have to think about that some more.


Yes. He could want to talk about anything. Or nothing.
Or it was just a big brain fart and he'll forget all about it.

Maybe he SAID he wants to talk because he wants a reaction from me, but it was only the reaction he wanted, not the talk!

But if it IS about moving the D forward, I like the idea of saying:
"Just put your absolute best offer in writing and I'll have my lawyer look it over."

(I"ll need about three thousand dollars for that, GUBU. You don't mind shelling that out, do you? )


This is the tactic we got from a real estate agent once. Put your highest offer in and it goes into a pile of sealed bids.
Way to get people to spend more than they want to if they want the house!

And NO. I am not going to mediation, if he suggests "we" (I!!!) don't need lawyers for this so "we" (HE!!!) can save money. Heck no.

If he divorces me, I want everything I am entitled to by law. Plus what I deserve. And then some.

If we're "done" then I want to be comfy! I'll only get one shot at that.


And I will NEVER see or speak to him again, that's a promise. And I've told him. I'd be happy to tell him again!
Unless it's in court for non-payment.
It will NEVER HAPPEN. He will be part of the past and that is all.


---GGG

I'll keep you posted!

[Atsbaby]

GGG,

My H wanted to do the same thing! "We can work this out with my L. I'm not trying to scr3w you in any way."

BS! My L told me that the child support and the maintenance (alimony) that Clark offered was way too low. He makes 3x what I do and he only offered about 10% of that to me! Sadly, my state requires mediation prior to court. Way too easy to D in most states these days.

Hopefully, GUBU is just concerned about you or other stuff not concerning the D. Don't get worked up about it. Enjoy your weekend.

[GoatGal]

Thanks, ((Ats!))

In our case, I have been a stay at home "mom" with the animals/remodel/farm for going on 8 years, and became a self-employed artist ten years ago.
Since moving to this dream location to set up my studio and make/sell more work, I found myself more of a caretaker and less of an artist.

(Long story there, I'll spare you the gory details.)

The point is, he has pretty much been the sole provider for ten years, and I have been out of the job market that long.

So that means, he WILL be paying me alimony, probably for at least ten years.

At a bare minimum, he'll be paying me 40% of his income.
That goes to 50% since I have not worked in so long.

Add in my "disabilities" (ADD, Aspergers, Fibromyalgia, chronic back pain, sciatica, Gumby Joints...) that goes to 60%.
Then we've been married for 23 years.
That also counts for a lot in this state.

If he does not pay, he goes TO JAIL.
(That has a nice ring to it, too.)
---------------------------------------------------------------

Here there is also a 50/50 division of assets. Period.

I get half of EVERYTHING, no matter what. Unless he wants to give me more.
--------------------------------------------------------------

What I'd really want is to continue on his health insurance.
I doubt Obamacare will pay for my bodywork and the things I need to do to keep going.

They also really frown on trying to hide assets, squirrel away money, etc.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Back when I discovered OW, I copied EVERYTHING.
I would advise anyone to do this to protect themselves.
It may be "snooping" but you don't want to be taken advantage of.

I went through his computer, email, vehicle, and phone.
I documented everything I could find, even if I wasn't sure what it was.
And I photographed what I could not copy.

There was lots of proof of OW and the extent of their adultery.
I documented his phone records, porn sites, receipts for expensive computer "upgrades" for watching porn, all legal and financial documents, assets, 401K, IRA, all that stuff.


That is all in a hidden lock box, safe and secure.

So there is a starting point if he ever tries to pull any funny stuff.
----------------------------------------------------------------

This is interesting...

When I confronted HIM about cheating on ME, he immediately changed all the passwords on all the accounts, saying he was afraid I was "going to steal all the money".


Talk about your projections!
(Good thing I'd documented everything before ever saying a word to him!)

But---such a thing never occurred to me.
It would not be in accordance with my values.


Of course, it now appears I am the only one in this M who still HAS any.


---GGG

[GoatGal]

GUBU has arrived... I am only slightly stressing.

Thoughts: My "I'm taking all the time the law allows" has been my FIRM BOUNDARY since all this started.

I'm thinking that back-pedaling on this will convey the message that I might be pushed on other things too.

GUBU has been very accepting of my position and appears to understand, perhaps even be relieved that things are progressing slowly because he may be a bit confused about what is happening here.

(Going back to therapy, emotions all over the place, acting pouty, not getting his own apartment, reaching out often and strangely, wanting to be here....and a lot more.)

Just a theory ^^^ but he hasn't been acting like someone who is in a real hurry to "move on" no matter what he SAYS.

So I'm thinking to stand firm on this one.

It *seems* like a total Starsky/Mr.Bond line in the sand, if I've been reading them correctly.
(Don't want to put words in your mouths, guys!)

So I'm thinking: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

However, if he pushes, I won't stonewall.

I'll say something like: "You're saying it's really important to you to move this along. Sounds like we both have a lot to think about."

And if he pushes, I'll say: "I don't agree that divorce is the only solution to our problems, but if that's what you want, I can't stop you.
However, my stance is still ^^^ (the above)."


And if he brings up moving back here:

"I can see why you'd think that moving here would solve some immediate problems. Can you tell me more about how you see that working out?"

Then: "My well-being is the most important thing to me right now. Under the current circumstances, I don't think it would be healthy for me to be under the same roof."

Then it's BOUNDARY TIME!

1. No goal of R, just see if we can live together at this point.

2. NO OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED--online or in real life.

3. Common courtesy about coming and going, asking to cover, etc.

4. We BOTH stay in therapy separately.

I'd love to add "withdraw the D" but that's his "safety blanket" to keep me under his thumb, and this whole mess at a distance, so it won't happen. It's his power play and he needs to believe he's got it.

I know that.


??????

----GGG
PS: Who is looking bootylicious, (what's left of it), smelling great, exuding a PMA, looking forward to my great weekend.

Who's stressing? Not THIS GOAT GAL!!!


OK, maybe just a little...

[GoatGal]

And today's theme song?

"These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" by Nancy Sinatra.

[Shining]

I just think you're awesome. Love love love reading your posts:). Keep going, GGG. You'll be just fine.

[Cadet]

((((((((HUGS)))))))

You will be fine

[Ss06]

You got this!!!

[GoatGal]

Thanks a lot, you guys!

Just an observation:

GUBU looks like sh*t.
Totally.

He looks like he got punched in the face.
He's pale, gray, grubby looking.
Like he had a dinner of salt water and bourbon.
(Maybe he did.)

He's still trimming his beard in the way he knows I hate. Just stubble.
It's not flattering on a man his age, but he's said that he wants to look like those 50-something guys on the (VIAGRA!) commercials.

(If that isn't a clue to his MLC, I don't know what is.)

He doesn't believe me that he looks better with his regular beard/goatee combo. That looked great, very distinguished, and pretty hot.
Now he looks like he's trying out grunge.

And yes, people.

He arrived with bags and bags of LAUNDRY.
Can you say "TEENAGER"????

At least he knows I'm not going to be doing it!

And on top of all these dirty clothes he's apparently been hoarding, there is--I kid you not---a TIE-DYE TEE SHIRT?

Seriously?

I hope it's to wear working down at the barn...

----------------------------------------------------------------

He's clearly anxious, can't talk to me without wringing a rag in his hands, eyes darting all over the place.

I asked if he was okay with burying little Eleanor tomorrow. That was fine, we agreed tomorrow would be best.
No mention of his "talk". I'm not even going to bring it up.

We had a brief discussion about the tractor (broken, like so much else around here), I validated him having the skills to fix it.
"I didn't before" he said.
I laughed and said "Guess you do now though, talk about your learning experience!"
I was very upbeat, happy, just getting stuff from my car, not exactly out there to talk to HIM, if you know what I mean.

He talked about the tractor with some decent eye contact, seemed pretty relaxed, talking about how he fixed this and that. You know, all about how great he is, just on a lower level.

He asked about my weekend schedule again.
"When are you leaving?" "Are you dancing/DJing...? etc."

I don't feel this is interest, just him pinning down when I might pop back home and surprise him.
Which might lead to sudden death, apparently!

I told him about my plans, very excited, super fun stuff, playing blues Ukulele at the after party on Sunday night, swimming in the river (skinny dipping, actually, late at night, but probably not for me and I didn't share this part!), just great fun with friends.

It's gonna be awesome!
----------------------------------------------------------

THEN he led into "did you see I got the power washer?" (How could I NOT?)
I knew this was coming...

He bought it last week, I didn't mention it, then it kept moving more and more into the foreground of the garage until I almost tripped over it.

This is about staining all the new decks. It requires cooperation, preparation.
Things he'd prefer to avoid.

Last year's deck talk was that he thought I should have done this all by myself last summer when he was off schtupping Ho-worker and showing up at ten, most nights, saying he was "working late" and me buying it.
(Incidentally, now he leaves work about 5 every day!)

He was unbelievably cruel during his affair, berated me for not getting this done alone, for actually wanting some assistance with things like, oh, I dunno... climbing a ladder two stories up with a bucket of stain in 90+ degree heat!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Anyhow, a few weeks ago he said "Why don't YOU buy the STAIN already????"
He was all ready to buy the stain, and we weren't even close to that part of the project.
I had to use my best DBing to try and keep things on track.

He just resists planning, cooperation, compromise. I have to avoid coming off like the "planner" but really, we can't do things his way.
He has NO PLAN, and then he gets angry when things aren't working or don't come out right.

I have tried the "natural consequences" approach and just let him fail.
Over and over.
I have watched him do shoddy work that he used to do well, without saying one word except to thank him for doing it.

But working together, I can't put myself in the position of him getting angry with me for not being a mind-reader, or having an opinion.
I just don't want to ruin anything else around here if I can avoid it.

Anyhow, I let him lead this about the decks AGAIN, let him give all his thoughts, validated, we even had a bit of a plan by the end...I just know how he hates being pinned down on anything, but is very happy pinning ME down whenever he can.

He wants to be able to PREDICT what I do, while being vague and open-ended himself.

If anyone has any insight on this ^^^ I'd love to hear it!

I said "Well, we can schedule a few weekends so we can get it done, if that works for you."

He mumbled something like "yeah, sure.." and then just walked away.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bizarre.
Well not really.
He just wants things to magically fall into place without having to say a thing. He's always been this way.

So I just walked away!
Or should I say: "Sashayed with a sultry hip-swinging walk, taking my time and letting him see my A**ets! "
---------------------------------------------------------------

I do have a PMA---BUT:
It's sad to see him looking so over the hill and, frankly, not well at all.

Is this a happy man, moving on in his life?
Sure as heck doesn't look like it to me.

I'm still doing INFINITELY better than poor old GUBU.
Really, I don't even like him anymore. He's just a shell of his former self.
As angry as I get with him, I can see he is suffering.
I find I care less and less since he continues to take it out on me in some form or another.

He can't seem to see that I'm the best thing he's got in his life...

And that's the latest, dear readers!

Stay tuned for more updates--LIVE!---- from the Triple G Ranch!


-----GGG

[Georgiabelle]

GGG,
Reading your posts provides much better color commentary than I get via ESPN. Tie die shirt huh? S11 is wearing one today. My stbx wears those faux tux tshirts and Spider-Man tees. Those MLCers are fashion icons.

I can't relate to so much conversation, however just leave GUBU to figure himself out. You sound great. And that's what's important- you being awesome!

[Mighty]

Those MLCers are fashion icons.

Best line of the day.

[Maybell]

GGG, on Newcomers Starsky bumped a post about the value of the WAS's anger. Think that might help you cope with GUBU?

[GoatGal]

Yes, Maybell, I read that post ^^^. Good stuff!

Update: Gubu, now resembling H in some respects, has talked at me quite a bit.
Related a story how he broke up a dog fight at the Pet Store.
(Funny, shopping for the animals we always did together.)

I listen, validate...he pretty much has one-sided conversations.

In our previous life, he'd hardly say a word. I always felt like I was pulling teeth to get him to converse. At its worst, he'd only respond to direct questions, and even then giving one word answers or grunts.
I'm trying to remember if this started before OW or not, but I think it did.
------------------------------------------------------

He asked before coming upstairs. (Good).
I just did my thing and pretty much ignored him, laughing and playing with the pups, watching a stupid TV show that cracked me up.

I'm just happy crappy!

Every now and then we'd exchange a few words about this or that, just dog stuff or the deck stain.

I keep my responses brief, light-hearted, sweet, and upbeat.

I am thinking of myself like his little sister!!!

(I read on one of my pal's threads--maybe mdu?--- to treat him like a brother, and if "light and breezy" draws him closer, keep it up.)

There's something incestuous about that, but it's workable.
Lately GUBU reminds me an awful lot of my depressed, angry, divorced, bitter, messed up older brother!
-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in the bedroom getting ready to go to my swing dance with friends.
I have a new (vintage) Chinese style dress in turquoise that fits me like a glove.
(Good color on blondes)

That, plus my hair done up and some heels, perfume and the whole shebang...
I am going to make SURE he notices!

Let's see if any of his online 50+ dating site ladies can compete with THIS "Bird in the Hand"!!

-----------GGG

[Nitty]

Let's see if any of his online 50+ dating site ladies can compete with THIS "Bird in the Hand"!!

-----------GGG

You go, GoatGal, with your bad self, you! We 50+ Birds in the Hand are Bad A$$es!

(I read on one of my pal's threads--maybe mdu?--- to treat him like a brother, and if "light and breezy" draws him closer, keep it up.)

That's what my DB coach told me to do, too. But it's weird, very weird.

[GoatGal]

Okay. I just got home from dancing.
I want to say "I HATE him."

There are some good things to report, like he noticed my dress and hair, commented on the Chinese theme, even said "that's a pretty dress."

This is way more than I would have gotten in the past, so I'm pleased.

But I just came home from an evening where I was joyful---doing something I really excel at, sharing that joy with others, being with people who love me, appreciate me---think I'm talented and funny and sweet and sexy and smart---and then I come home to GUBU.

GUBU, clutching his smartphone, pretending to be asleep so he doesn't have to speak to me...

GUBU who, most of the time, acts like I have the plague.

It's hard to swallow.
I question why I am even holding onto this idea that there is something worth saving.
I am happiest AWAY FROM HIM.

He doesn't find me funny or kind or attractive.
He no longer values the best of me, the things that I have to offer that make me unique.

To him, I'm disposable.

That whole thing about "wanting what you can't have"?
Sometimes I think this is less about him than it is about my pride.

I know I'm worth pursuing, worth fighting for.
But IS HE???

I'm not sure anymore if I'm fighting for this R because I want HIM, or only because I am insulted enough that I refuse to be the "dump-ee."

Anyhow, it's late, I'm tired...

I'm also inspired.
I feel so good about what I can do. In so many ways I am absolutely in my prime.

It just hurts my heart and wounds my ego that the person I trusted and gave everything to DOES NOT VALUE ME.

More to come tomorrow. Time for sleep.
Good night, fellow DBers.

This was a straight-from-the-heart, unedited post.
I may regret it in the morning, but it's the truth at this moment.



------GGG

[Ss06]

Oh GGG, I'm sorry your fun and amazing evening was dampened by him.

I think you said so many profound things in your post above.

That you're happiest away from him. That he doesn't value the best of you, the things that make you unique.

You say you're worth pursuing and then ask if he is.

How about this...

You're definitely worth pursuing... perhaps by an energetic, admirable, wonderful, intelligent, respectful, hilarious, interesting someone-else.

What would you say to a 16 year old girl who has a crush on a guy who doesn't value her gifts? You'd tell here there are other fish in the sea, that she has her whole life ahead of her and to not waste it on a guy who doesn't think she is the MOST AMAZING PERSON ON THE PLANET.

You deserve that kind of admiration, GGG. We all do.

It hurts being the dumpee. It hurts knowing that, while we know we're imperfect for sure, we have incredible qualities that make a great partner, friend, spouse and lover. It hurts knowing they disagree after they once agreed. It really hurts. It's a HUGE beat down to the ego and self esteem. And it hurts every single day we're in this situation.

You've stated your health is your highest priority right now. Is maintaining even the tiniest bit of hope in him helping you meet that goal? I'd argue that he's hindering it.

It's clear he doesn't value you. To me it's clear he doesn't value himself either but more importantly he doesnt' value all that you are. At all.

That, my dear GGG, is definitely HIS loss.

[ForeverYoung]

It just hurts my heart and wounds my ego that the person I trusted and gave everything to DOES NOT VALUE ME.

That's his perception now. Doesn't mean it will always be that way. His perception changed once, and can change again. That is the principal behind DB.

It's your choice as to whether or not you will be there if and when this happens... better get two patience shovels.

[Maybell]

I was going to say what ForeverYoung said.

It would have been better for your PMA if you'd come home, seen him, and pitied him for thinking that how he spends his free time could even hold a candle to how you're living.

You will be great, GGG, and I hope you've got a picture of yourself in that dress, it sounds lovely.

[GoatGal]

Maybell, I did pity him.
While I was disliking him.

And yes, two pro photographers were there snapping away and a lot in my direction.
(They use them as promo shots for the band, venue, event, personal work, etc.)

So I hope people let me know if any flattering pics pop up.
Too bad we're not fb friends!
I have ten years' worth of dance pics.

And I did get tons of compliments on that dress!

Best thrift store purchase EVER!
--------------------------------------------------------

This morning, GUBU is back to "deaf" mode.
Couldn't hear the three things I said and when I asked if he heard me, he said "I answered you."

(Sorry, must have mistaken that vague grunt for one of the dogs farting... )

Gee. I had SUCH a great time last night, and he slept in the living room in front of the TV.

I told him a bit about how surprisingly good the band was, how I was so glad I went.
And he got grumpier.

TRA-LA-LAH----TEE-DAH!!!

PS: When I got in I had to wrangle the dogs and spoke to them in hushed but buoyant tones about "Mama had fun but it's sleepy time for all the babies", just fussing over them and telling them how much I "Luuuuuved" them.

Oh, and I did say (under my breath) to the one dog who was sleeping with GUBU, but who always sleeps with me: "Come on, Horton. You can do better than that. Let's go back to the BIG (king) bed!"

Snarky, I know.
But GUBU was "asleep".

Surely he couldn't have heard me?

Not DBing, I know.

But it was like gas.
Sometimes you have to let out just a squeak or the pressure builds to uncomfortable levels!!!

-----GGG

[Nitty]

Let us choose to believe GUBU is probably doing his best to show you that your gorgeous BadA$$ Self left no impression on him, when he was totally stunned by your bodaciousness and was really bothered by it because he doesn't want to believe HE WAS WRONG.

And because he is bothered by the possibility of being an idiot, he is acting like he is still so totally not bothered by The Goddess That Is GoatGal.

Or is that having expectations????

I don't know, knowing what is an expectation or not -- it's all confusing. But if you must get in his head, turn the story around. Make it a better story, one that flatters the BadA$$ GoatGal Goddess!

[GoatGal]

((((Nitty)))

YOU ROCK!

"Goddess that is Goat Gal".
I love it!!!

I might have to add another "G" to my name:

Gumby Goat Gal GODDESS!!!!


You made my (already weird) day!

-----------GGG

[job]

GG,
Your h noticed how you looked and he will remember how you looked long after he's gone home. Mlcers notice everything, especially when we look great, but they will not make much mention of it because they don't want you to know that you caught her attention.

Continue to be yourself and enjoy the time away from the farm whenever you can. Your h is very lost and one day, he'll get that deck done for you when you least expect it. If and when he does, be sure to compliment him on doing it.

Take care of yourself.

[Wonka]

GGG,

I want to remind you that GUBU is ornery because he DOES see the contrast and wants to pull you down to his level because he is so damned miserable. Again, try not to let his moods affect you.

Job is correct ^^. I lived that myself. I was curious as hell whenever Ms. Wonka went out and did her thing. Damned if I ever gave her a whiff of my attention lest she thought I cared about her. sigh

Remember MCLer's innards are one massive mess like a broken C-3PO on the assembly line waiting to be fixed, shined and buffed at the Skywalker Junkyard.

[sonas]

Hey GGG,

Been awhile, haven't had the energy to post recently - also don't know where to start and feel that if I do it could be soooooo long it might close down the boards!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, I have been reading all your posts and trying to get a 'detached' view of where you and GUBU are (that was my suggestion of a name and I love that you are using it!!!!) to see if I can make any coherent comments.

So, here it is - STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are great but doing yourself no favours - think of GUBU's timeline for his MLC - can you figure out when it started????????
BD was less than two years ago - maybe he is only half way through this?????? You have expectations, you have!!!!!

You want this to be over, it is not. You cannot rush this, you can only look after you. You sound scared and I don't want you to be afraid. You must look after yourself better, sleep, breath, meditate.

If GUBU is not helping enough, tell him and then get more help, stop trying to do it all - it is not healthy. GUBU needs to see you as being the sane one, it is insane to do all this work on your own and have no time for your art, for yourself. He gets to have sufficient time to do his work and looking after the farm is a hobby for him, you need time to do your work and to look after the animals as a hobby.

Do not be afraid to discuss the situation with the animals, to fire some truth darts about how little he is doing (compared to when he lived there) - be strong, make him see it as you putting the animals and their well-being before your R issues. Say it with kindness - you can do this!!!

But again - STOP!!!!!! Take a breath, GUBU is moving through the stages but seems to be in replay, that is just that, you cannot make this go any faster. He needs to know that you are the calm sea in the midst of his storm, a safe harbour, but that you hold the anchor!!!!!!!!!!!

He is in pain, but so are you and you are letting him drag you down into his chaos and confusion and it is very unhealthy for you.

You are so bright and funny, you are the prize, be the prize!!!!!!!!! Get your studio up and running as a priority - over and above everything else - get time in there, be creative and grow!! Let GUBU go, move forward with or without him. If he wants to follow, he will - be the lighthouse, he may crash on the rocks, he may swim and climb up to the lighthouse or he may not - you cannot control this. My guess, he will scale the rocks but only if the light is shining!! SHINE GGG, SHINE!!!!!!


ok, so I am telling you everything I have been trying to tell myself over the past few months - hopefully one of us will actually do it!

Mind yourself............

Sonas

[Matt165]

Hi GGG(G)(Last G is for Goddess),
So, it's Tuesday, weekend is over and we are back to work and/or regular lives. Tell us, oh Goddess of the Goats, did GUBU ever have his "talk"? Or did he chicken out after seeing how much better you looked in that dress than any of his online chippies? I LOVE that you were so together, looking so good, having fun while he was sitting around in front of the TV looking at the online dating profiles of all the 50+ weirdos who actually responded to the "creepy" sounding profile you told us about that he had posted on his smartphone!

I know exactly what you mean when you talk about the "one-sided" conversations! When I talk to W (not often anymore) it's like the only topics in the world have to do with her or her father and new "mom" (Fathers OW who he ran off with when she was 10 years old). To hear her, they are the greatest minds of the 21st century! AND they "allow" her to be around them. If I talk about the girls or, God forbid, myself, she gets this glazed look in her eyes like "what do I care, let me tell you about ME!". Even her teenage kids see it and you know how teens see themselves as the center of the universe!

GGG(G), he is crazy not to see you for the unique, special person you are. When you are out doing things you enjoy, the other people see you for who you are and enjoy being around you. I remember just past B-day when my W and I were at a party that one of her work friends had. Most of the people there know me and I have always gotten along great with them. At one point my W came up to me and said in this astonished voice "Wow, everyone here really seem to like you" like it was some unbelievable revelation. Or better yet, like "why don't they see you as the jerk I see you as"? It's just proves that you could be the best looking, smartest, most perfect spouse ever and they still will see you as the "bad" one. Like is always said, it's not about us, it's all about them.

So, tell us. Did he ever come out and say what's on his fevered little mind or did he just go back to his rabbit hole to keep baking?

[GoatGal]

Ssonas!

I'm so glad to hear from you!
I am glad you've been reading along and following with the GUBU news!
(Now I know who to credit with that perfect name. )

I know my posts are a bit all over the place, but rest assured that even without an operational ceramics studio, I am fortunate to enjoy many other creative outlets and activities that stretch and grow my soul.

A full ceramics studio is a huge undertaking and since my sitch has developed, it no longer seems as important.
Trust me when I say it might be easier to pack up and move--to set up a new studio--than it would be to get this one operational again.

It's full of GUBU's construction debris, tools, storage, his "I'm not having a Mid-life Crisis Red MGB convertible", among other things.

The power has been cut off, my chemicals are stale, the clay is dried out, and I have more pressing things to do.

He would have to cooperate to remove his "things" and it's been a source of tension between us.
It was supposed to be "my" studio, the main reason we moved to this place!

Shorter thereafter, he decided I only needed half the space (not as a pro), and that he could store HAY in there. He got upset with me when I "questioned" the hay being there, saying I was "overthinking" things.

Right. 2400 degree Fahrenheit kiln temperatures and dry hay stacked nearby is a great plan...

Now his stuff takes over 3/4 of the place.
Not only is it unsafe to work there, I work with high-fire porcelain.
This means that any specks of dirt or random material that get worked into the clay can ruin my pieces.

The environment has to be fairly pristine, or at least cleanable.

Funny---he KNOWS this. And he used to be completely on board with helping me with the firings, setting up the projects, hauling clay, doing the heavy lifting.

He was my partner in this.

But that went the way of everything else, I guess.


So that's the studio scoop.

I still dance often, DJ, and perform live music sets, so I am not wanting for creative outlets.

And yes, he needs to help more with the animals. I have someone available to help me but... this is not an excuse, but it's complicated.

I appreciate all the input and support I've gotten while I've been going through this crazy Labor Day Weekend!

Updates to come!

Thrills, chills, and lots of excitement!


---GGG +G

[GoatGal]

Now I KNOW you're all on the edges of your seats, so HERE IT COMES!

Ready????


PPPPPPPPPFFFFFFfffffffftttttttttttt!

Nada. Nothing. Zip.


His "Lead Up" statements:

* "I want to bury my girl (dog, Eleanor) this weekend."

Saturday he said he wanted to, then didn't want to.
Sunday, same thing.
We planned for Monday, then he decided he was leaving early, going for a bike ride, and I was RELIEVED to see him go!
----------------------------------------------------------

About the Decks:
* "Would you PICK A STAIN ALREADY????!!!"

He kept talking about picking stains, brought home swatches--but there's no plan.
I reiterate about setting up a weekend, how I'm happy to help, just want a head's up.

We finally select a color.
He's not happy with the fact that the very dark stain he likes will lessen the life of the decks because of sun damage.
I was prepared to let this go, but said, "As long as you're okay with that..." and he grudgingly selected the next darkest stain.
Whatever...It's fine.

That's a 180 for me, just to let his (ugly) choice go. Yay, me!

We continue to go around and around for about five minutes about a BASIC game plan and a TIME to do this---and I'm wondering what the problem is! I'm thinking, is it me? Am I THIS DENSE?

Then he whines at me--looks almost teary---and says:
"Can we JUST NOT OVERTHINK THIS FOR ONCE???"

I said, "How is planning a weekend "overthinking"?

He says: "It's not THAT complicated". (I admit, I'm missing his point.)
Me: "What do you mean?'

H: (Here's a clue--FINALLY!) "It's not really a job for two people."

(Ahhh.. GUBU, the Master of the Badly Dropped Hints!!!)

Me: "Okay...." (Feeling a teeny bit hurt, but mostly relieved.)

Him: "I don't need any help."

Me: "That's fine! I don't mind at all, in fact I'm happier to leave you to it.
"I was just under the impression that you wanted me to work on because it might go faster with two people and you've wanted me to work on it alone."

(I'm thinking, he's been volunteering to help ME with what was MY project! Duh! I didn't know the game had changed.)

H: "I'd just rather do it by myself."

M: Muttering under my breath. "Yeah, like everything else."
(I don't even know if I said this out loud, or just thought it. Probably a barely audible mutter. But I'd been trying to get some clarity for weeks. Sheesh!)

(Not DBing, maybe but)
Me: "I'm not so terrible to work with, you know."

Him: "I know..."

Me: "I think it would have saved some time if you had just said that at the beginning, because I've been trying to accommodate you and how you wanted to address it, but I feel like a chump because you just let me go on like that instead of saying what you were thinking."

M: "It would just make things so much easier if you said what you meant, you know, just come right out with it. I'm thrilled to let you do the decks by yourself if that's what you want to do."

Call it a "Truth Dart", whatever you will. At some point, he's got to be trained!
That was ridiculous, all that dancing around about nothing. And me bending over backwards to validate and accommodate, and he had NO INTENTION of working on it with me or planning anything!

To my credit, I was sleep-deprived x 2 nights, not fully awake.
But I used a very soft voice, was very relaxed, not angry, not stressing, just stating a fact.
(Except for that "yeah, like everything else" dig.)
I used DBing techniques, which is probably why it too SO DANG LONG to finally get to the real issue.

Here I am reflecting, listening, validating... he's probably not used to it!
Trust me, he never said a thing about wanting to do it alone and he had many opportunities.

Then my attempt at light-heartedness:
"You know me, pasty blonde people don't do well in the hot sun slaving away with buckets of stain... so yeah. Have at it!"
"I'm actually really relieved that you're OK doing it on your own. I know you'll do a great job!!! And I'll enjoy watching you do it. I'll keep the Gatorade bucket full."

I Smiled, laughed...I let him know IT's OKAY!!! You SAY what's on your mind, and you get REWARDED!

For Pete's sake: Say what you MEAN, MEAN what you say, DUDE!!!!!

Why torture me with trying to pussyfoot around such a simple thing?
We're talking WEEKS of me trying to "figure out" what he was trying to say, while he was busy beating around the bush.

However, at the end, he did APOLOGIZE for continuing to allow me to labor under a misconception!
"Sorry"

Hey, I'll take it.
-------------------------------------------------------------

"I want to talk... about the future"

Nope. I never mentioned it, he never mentioned it, he didn't even HINT at it!

Hasn't said a peep about it since.

HOWEVER: Actions speak louder than words.


He was back working on the basement bathroom, clearing out some construction debris down there, setting up some lighting, organizing his stuff, and his last words to me before leaving were:

"Do you think during your week you can get rid of some of the old pillows and things down in the basement? There is a big pile of stuff and it's useless so you might throw it away."

BIG HINT!!!!!!!!! Ya THINK???????


----GGG

[Cadet]

It all just sounds like a script from a very depressed person that does not have enough strength to do almost anything.

Let him go and continue on his way with his crisis.

You didnt break him and cant FIX him

[GoatGal]

Cadet said: "You didn't break him and you can't FIX him."

Yep.
I know that now and I have accepted it.
I can, however, continue to set some boundaries and move ahead with my life.

And cutting to the chase in these circular conversations is a start.

If he needs or wants something, he's just going to have to say it.

That's his job, not mine.
I am not a mindreader!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Just for the record, I had a super-fabulous weekend!

My DJed dance party was fantastic, and ended with people screaming up to me in the DJ booth:
"We LOVE YOU GOAT GAL!!!!!!!" from the dance floor.
It went much later than planned and people were grabbing me on my way out, saying they hadn't had so much fun in years.
Me either! I had a blast.

Gee, you think they liked it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday evening culminated with a few women (my age and younger) talking to me about how "inspiring" I was to them, how good I made them feel---and then we all went skinny dipping in the river at 3 AM!

(Really, I could not make this stuff up if I tried. Massive validation for being the super-cool, Gumby Goat Gal. And I swear I am BETTER since I learned DBing. I am a better listener, among other things.)

Anyhow. Swimming.
Total darkness, just one lone Tiki-Torch, so no one could see anything.
(And I wasn't the only over-50 something there, so it was kind of a "bucket list" thing.)

So last weekend was swimming in a mountain lake, this weekend was skinny-dipping in the mighty river.

Pretty cool.

I gave GUBU the rundown each morning, not rubbing his nose in it, just letting him know my sets went well (an understatement!) and I had a nice time at the party, saw lots of friends, went swimming... He was like: "That's nice."
(I brought a swimsuit, so....:) )

How's that for some GALing???

And, Maybell, someone DID get a great dance pic of me in that Turquoise Chinese Silk Dress.


BOOM!
(Again.)


---GGG

[GoatGal]

And the silliness continues...

H just called. (No contact since he left yesterday except a few texts, like "hope all is well, goodnight" and "be up around around 6"

I think it was Zues who said a good rule of thumb is to give back about 80% of whatever warmth he puts out so it doesn't come off like pursuit.

So I responded with less words... with "zzzzz..." and such.

But just now I got--GASP!---a phone call.

"IS IT RAINING?"

Are you kidding?

Anyhow, I took the bait, called him back, laughing.

Yep. It's RAINING! It happens sometimes. Oky-doky.

He says, "Well, it's raining here. I was wondering if it was raining there."

Yep. Water is falling from the sky...

Anyhow, I laughed and said yep, "the sky is falling, dogs are barking, have fun in the mud!" Very pleasant.


The last time I let him know it was pouring here, he'd said:
"No big deal, I have a slicker and boots there to wear."

Wheeeeeee!!!!!


---GGG

[Wonka]

Stomping my feet

I am teensy bit cross with you, GGG. The next time you go skinny dipping at 3 am, be sure to invite me along...'k?! I do a smashing good cannonball!!

[GoatGal]

Wonka,

I'll make sure to invite you next time!!!!

It was really fun and quite the GAL activity.

I was chuckling to myself when I got home (4:30 AM) knowing what a great time I had, and knowing that GUBU was just there, like a blob, in front of the TV. Sad, but nothing I can do about it.

The next morning I still smelled the river water in my hair. I loved it!

I only felt slightly conflicted beforehand--that "Is this an appropriate activity for a woman of my age?"---for a few moments, until I decided "HELL YEAH!!!!" and went for the long jump!

My barometer is always: "Is this destructive/hurting anyone? Is there a price to pay and will it be worth it?"

Well, there wasn't much discussion in my head after that. It was bonding, fun, exhilarating. Who cares how old I am?

And I have no children to embarrass if they found out about it.

Which reminds me, on our houseboat weekend, we three ladies learned to pee--standing up!!!---- off the deck of the boat.
Takes practice, but can be done.
Really handy when the on-board potty is full!
(TMI, I know, but we were so pleased with ourselves!)

Just good clean fun. More of that, please!


---GGG

[Matt165]

Dang it GGG(G)!
I REALLY wish I lived near you! Sounds like you hang with my kind of people! I'd LOVE to come to one of your "DJ Dance Parties"! Then skinny dipping in the "mighty river"? Heck I used to live in the Atlantic states area (probably north of you. It was PA) and we NEVER had that much fun! We need more people like you around where I live, that's for sure!

So, all that thinking and wondering what to say and it turns out he wanted to talk about....the future of staining the deck? Life altering stuff for sure.

You keep GALing and having this much fun and one day you're going to come home and see this lump sitting in a chair in front of the TV with a smartphone in it's appendage (is that a hand?) and wonder who or what the heck that thing is. GUBU will be a distant memory! I find it amazing how GUBU could ever think he could find anyone that is more fun, smarter or looks as good in a blue Chinese dress from the thrift store than the Goddess of Goats! You're going to do great no matter what. Keep enjoying your life and leave the being miserable and grumpy to GUBU. He has enough of that to cover both of you!

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Matt.

I couldn't agree with you more.

And the whole "future" talk?

I think he's gearing up to talk about moving into the basement.

That's why he's starting to clear it out, asking me to move stuff.

(I think maybe he's getting 86ed from his current digs.)

Just a good guess.

This is a man who is so avoidant he wouldn't CHOOSE to talk about anything that would lead to uncomfortable emotions if he could possibly put it off and ignore it for eternity.

So I'm still betting someone or something is pushing this "talk" which he clearly doesn't really want to have!
--------------------------------------------------------
But I love that visual, coming home to a lump with a smartphone in its "appendage".
And a laptop grown into its lap...

Just like that woman on Inside Edition who sat on her couch so long that she incorporated parts of it into her body.
TRUTH!


---GGG

PS: I may have to change my name from GoatGal to GoatGoddess.
"Triple G" has a nice ring to it, so maybe it will be the Gumby Goddess of the Goats!!!!
PPS: It was the "Mighty Susquehanna"!

[job]

GG,
I hope your thoughts about him possibly moving in the basement are correct, but try not to "assume" or have "expectations" about anything he says or does. He could very well be just cleaning up the area, i.e., wanting to get rid of things or put them in their proper places.

I know it's difficult for you to sit quietly and be still, but the answers will come and I do hate to see you trying to figure out what his moves will be. I don't want to see you hurt or disappointed when things don't turn out the way that you thought they might go.

GG, I know this is tough on you, but you've got to find a way to keep the focus on you and take care of yourself. I worry about you.

[GoatGal]

Thanks, job,

I understand that I really don't know what, if anything, he's thinking about "us" or "the future". Heck, I don't even know what I think about it half the time.


I do know him pretty well, (the old him at least), and although the game has changed, his basic mode of operation is pretty intact.

If he was going to bring up anything that might cause me to get upset/emotional, he'd have to have a really good reason.

The basement thing is only a guess.
It's something he's consistently mentioned and he can't stay where he is forever, is all.

And it's only relevant to me because I want to be prepared for any discussion that might come up around it, what my boundaries would be, that sort of thing.

I really have no expectations in terms of "hopes" here AT ALL.

I am really not interested in him moving back here under any conditions as long as he's being so MLC-crazy!
I can't imagine that working at this point. (Maybe for him, but not for me.)

Just like I want to be prepared for that as I would for any other heavy topics.

I try and keep the focus on me as much as possible, sometimes his actions throw a monkey wrench in that, but each time I start spinning, I learn from it.

One thing that seems to help is more GALing that really feeds my soul.

That consistently shows me how much any R with him is lacking, how he is lacking...and how bleak any future with him looks.

I find---today at least---I don't care much. I'm feeling it's more about the rejection, betrayal, and insult to my ego than it is about wanting him back.
That it's more about losing my home, everything I'd worked for, my animals... than it is about losing him.

The rejection hurts most of all.
Losing him? Not so much. Not like he is now.
There is very little that's likable or relationship material.
If I hit the lottery and could just go/do what I want and keep the parts of my life without him in it, I think I'd be pretty happy with that.

Detachment feels an awful lot like falling out of love.
I have fallen out of love, but have also lost so much respect for him through this.
I am feeling like a WAW in that I feel I've tried for a very long time, long before BD, and I've had enough.

I'm just not ready to do all the work to divide our assets, pack, relocate... rehome. I don't want to do that until it's necessary.

But as far as he's concerned, he is someone who could make my life easier if he chose to, but unless he does, he's a liability, not an asset to me. He is someone I have to protect myself against.

Doesn't really trigger lots of warm fuzzies, does it?

He would have to grow and change an awful lot to be the kind of partner that could match me.
But--no expectations either way, right?

Job, I do appreciate your concern. It means a lot.

----GGG

[GoatGal]

This is weird.

I ASSumed that GUBU had halted delivery of the paper credit card statements to the house once he started using that card for his dating service charges, college kid bars, and Viagra.

But now that two statements have arrived, with full details of purchases, I must conclude that:
1. He did not stop delivery in order to prevent me from seeing these things.
2. He did try to stop delivery but they screwed it up and keep sending paper statements.

I left the latest statement out for him to see, since he pays the bills.
(The one with his questionable purchases, I tucked away since he'd already paid it. I didn't want to start a "thing" at the time. I was pretty keyed up about it, decided to let it go, at least as far as he's concerned.)

I am not trying to make anything out of this, other than the actions themselves.

If he didn't stop delivery, it means he knew I would see those things since I get and open all the mail.

No--not mind-reading... LAUGHING!!!!!

I mean, it says: "Internet Dating and Escort Services" right on the bill!
How embarrassing for him...
--------------------------------------------------------------

But this is not the point of mentioning it here, not getting in his playpen--no worries, DBers!

The reason for bringing it up is not to figure out "why" or "what he was thinking" or "what does it mean"

It's because it opens up the door for a boundary discussion, one that I was unsure how to handle because I didn't want to let him know my intel.

Now that the statements are still coming to the house, he's got to know that I KNOW.
And that I have done a remarkable job of STFU. That's a 180 for me for sure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

If he EVER wants to live under the same roof, the dating profiles have got to go.

It's disrespectful to me, to our M, regardless if he thinks he's somehow "single" now, just by wishing.

And if he actually started "dating", does he think I should just be OK with seeing him getting shaved and dressed up to take out OTHER women?

Especially when he hasn't so much as taken me to dinner in years?

Maybe not even coming home?

Is it realistic to think I'd be cool with that?

Would HE really be cool with ME doing that?
Having some dude pick me up here at the house, maybe staying gone overnight?

I think not.

Nope.
If that's what he wants to do, he can go get his little bachelor pad.
That's his choice.

Live here with no dating, or get his own place and pay for it.

That's my line in the sand.
I didn't know how to bring up the dating site, but I would be uncomfortable knowing he's still on there, trolling for "dates". Or whatever you call them.

I can't live here upstairs while he's doing that downstairs.
I think that's reasonable, no?
--------------------------------------------------------------

And, now that he's told me he's back in therapy, he casually refers to "my shrink" this and "my shrink" that.
After all that secrecy and carrying on. My goodness.

He says he has another appointment tomorrow after work, so he won't be here for the animals.

I said that I'd be happy to cover for him when he has an appointment, just to let me know. I am supporting that 100% and I really proud of him for that.

So far, so good.

Goodnight, DBers...

---GGG

[Matt165]

Umm....could this be what they mean when they say "In the end, it's up to the LBS whether the R ends or not"?

[kml]

GG,
internet dating sites like Match, etc do NOT show up as "internet dating and escort services."
Escort services = prostitution. He's not online dating, he's hiring hookers.

He has a problem and could put your life at risk by exposing you to AIDS or other STDs. Even if he came home and got tested, there's a significant risk he might relapse and put you at risk.

You sound like a fascinating woman with lots of interests. Why on earth would you even consider taking him back???

[job]

GG,
Is your h generally passive-aggressive? Many times, a PA person will do things so that we find out what they are doing. For example, your h is having the bills come to your residence because he does recognize that you will open them and he wants you to see what he's been charging. I don't think he's embarrassed by you finding out about these charges at all. He appears not to care that you know what he's charged.
It could be his way of telling you and is hoping that you'll get angry and say something to him about it. Hence, giving him justification for why he left. Now, I'm not saying this is the case, but it certainly reminds me of a PA individual.

I agree, if the charge is identified as internet dating and escort services it is probably a nice way of saying you go on line, select a person off their site and go from there w/the "escort" which usually means the "escort" fulfills your dreams and fantasies.

Your h is exploring the world, a world he thinks he missed out on or wants to go back and revisit. Right now, he doesn't consider himself still married, so he thinks it's okay to explore these various avenues and not have you (mom) telling him what he can or can't do.

I do think that your h is hoping that you'll raise the subject of the charges on the credit card and also about him moving back home. He's got some issues when it comes to discussing things w/you. Maybe he looks at you as an authority figure, i.e., mom, teacher, etc.

GG, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I do hope today is a better day for you.

[GoatGal]

OK--Time for some clarity:

Re: kml
"Internet dating sites like Match, etc do NOT show up as "internet dating and escort services."
Escort services = prostitution. He's not online dating, he's hiring hookers."


Well, I should say that the charge came up as "OurTime.com" (50+ dating)
It was only in the online account "description" of the charge category where it listed it as "dating and escort services"
It was only for $89.95, which is the six month "discount" price.
If he's buying six months worth of hookers for $89.95, they must be pretty skanky!
He does have a profile on there because I saw it.
He says he's looking for "a serious relationship". Not even "casual".
That's....um...interesting.

As for hookers/escorts, I could see that as a possibility down the road, but since he's not spending any money or time on it, (I'm pretty sure I'd know), it's unlikely at this point.
Maybe when he gets too old and decrepit to think he's going to catch any fancy fish on his charm alone, I could see him turning to professionals to get his "needs met."

(And I will be LONG gone!)

At the moment at least, it seems he fancies himself a real catch and his ego would not let him go there. "Paying for it" is something losers do.
Since OW, he thinks he's a stud (unless you add in the Viagra!) and that it's just ME that caused his inadequacy.

His dating profile essentially says that "with the RIGHT person" he'll be an incredible lover and a completely evolved, perfect person.
Sure he will.

However, we are not sleeping together and will not until many things are rectified, like our R, a full panel STD test which is non-negotiable, so no worries there.

I wouldn't even let him kiss me right now, much less get naked!
----------------------------------------------------------------

re: job:

"Is your h generally passive-aggressive?"

HAH!!!! IS he? That's an understatement!

"Many times, a PA person will do things so that we find out what they are doing. For example, your h is having the bills come to your residence because he does recognize that you will open them and he wants you to see what he's been charging. I don't think he's embarrassed by you finding out about these charges at all. He appears not to care that you know what he's charged.
It could be his way of telling you and is hoping that you'll get angry and say something to him about it. Hence, giving him justification for why he left."


job,

Although the idea that me getting upset about my HUSBAND looking for a serious relationship online WHILE WE ARE STILL MARRIED would be fuel for him saying how "crazy" I am to justify his leaving is almost too wacky to be believed, it could well be true!
Just like me getting upset about OW and still being upset a few weeks after he
"ended it" also points to a sort of mental illness.

No doubt this plays into it somewhat, if in fact it was intentional and not a late-night, lonely, and drunk foray into online dating.

When he hit "buy now to see your matches" he might have immediately regretted it.

But who knows. And who cares?

But yes.
The first time I ever heard the expression "Passive Aggressive" was out of HIS mouth when he was in therapy back before we got married.
I never put that together until recently.

He's not a "psychologically interested type" so that fact that he threw that out in 1990 makes me wonder if his therapist at that time called him on it.

Over the years, it's gotten worse and worse.
He doesn't say what he means, he is deliberately vague and sabotaging, acts as if he "forgot" or "didn't hear/understand", refuses to say what he means, and has two modes:

1. Pretend everything is fine, harbor lots of resentment secretly and take it out on me in subtle ways that I don't understand, like blaming, confusing the issue, changing the subject, avoiding me, being curt, expecting me to read his mind, etc.

2. Try to be "assertive"-- which usually means getting angry, and just saying "NO!!!" Pitching a fit, again with the blaming and confusion.

But there is a third option, which is to develop the people skills to actually address problems and disagreements by discussing them, and cooperating and compromising.

That is a skill he appears to lack, or at least he's no longer using it.


---GGG

[kml]

Well, I should say that the charge came up as "OurTime.com" (50+ dating)

Ok, well, that's a lot better than an escort service.

Interesting, though - although he's the right age group for it, most MLC guys at 63 would think they're too "young" for a "mature dating" site.

As you said, it's possible that he just made a curiosity purchase, or that he's really out there playing the field - or maybe he put up his profile and got scared off by all the 80 year old women trying to hook up with him? Who knows?

[GoatGal]

kml,

He did shave five years off his age, and his profile is rife with comments about how "everyone says I look and act so much younger than I am!!! They are amazed when they find out I'm really (my LYING) age!!!" sort of things.

I actually *think* what happened is he can't stand being alone, really alone.

When his 'roommate' was gone for a week I think he was in a really bad place, and those TV commercials come on all the time...He'd said several times how lonely he was and that it s*cked.

He might have logged on out of curiosity and then, seeing all those wonderful babes who "flirted" with him (not that any of THEM are lying!), he had to pay the $89.95 to see who they "really" were.

When I logged on, I almost paid too!
I was curious to see all the creeps and what they said to the "Fake Profile" me.

In the end, I decided I didn't want any more ugly stuff in my head and let it go.

I do have friends who have used the various sites and they're full of interesting horror stories.
Almost every one lies about their age, appearance, income--just like he did. Even his personality description is his complete opposite.
Many of them have no social skills and no real life prospects because they're not actively out there meeting people.
Online, they can pretend to be anyone, and they do!
Married men--who say they're divorced, never married, or worst of all: WIDOWED!
Or the best one was "I'm the sole caretaker for my ailing wife. She's had cancer for years and I can't divorce her because I'm all she's got."

This guy got a lot of sympathy mileage on that one. Everyone thought he was such a great guy.
NONE OF IT WAS TRUE!

So about GUBU's lying: Someone on here said that's because they're trying on various personas. I don't doubt it.

The only thing that hurt me to read was all this talk about "With the RIGHT person" he would be romantic, affectionate, passionate, a real cuddler; basically that with ANYONE OTHER THAN ME, he'd be "cured" of all his issues.

I know this isn't true, but it did hurt to think he might believe that.
I'm over that now, because I see it for what it is. Wishful thinking.

The fact is, if he couldn't be those things with me, it says everything about HIM and nothing about me.

As for real-life dating, I know GUBU is a mess, that he is not going to make a good impression on anyone other than an employee (OW). He has nothing to offer anyone right now.

Any woman worth her salt will pick up on that right away.

And the rest--well, if he wants an older version of messed up OW who he won't take out in public, I guess that's his choice.

His preference has been online porn for years, probably the online flirting where he can remain an anonymous, made up person probably has a lot of appeal.


But enough about GUBU.

If the time comes for me to date, I don't think I'll be starting with online services.
I'm doing okay with people liking me enough in real life to send quality singles my way.

PS: I almost wish he'd go on a few dates and get really turned off by the reality check!
And AIDS is growing most rapidly in the 55+ segment of the population in the US, because they don't use protection!


---GGG

[kml]

Well, I've had really good luck with online dating, but it can be strange and it's definitely not for everyone. I've encountered a couple of people who weren't what they claimed, and I've been wooed (sometimes successfully!) by a few much much younger men (who remain good friends to this day, bless them ). But I also met my first post-separation boyfriend online (gorgeous sweet man who remains a friend even though, sadly, his long-lost childhood/college love resurfaced and swept him away - I could hardly even be mad at him for that!). And my current boyfriend - who I would otherwise never have met in a million years - is uniquely different but kinda perfect for me, treats me like a princess and is so handsome that literally a woman in his apartment complex ran into the carport because she was staring at him (and admitted it! lol)- but he's as faithful and loyal as a Labrador retriever.

I think though I benefited from just extremely good radar - I seemed to be able to read a profile and tell if someone was a match or not, I'd say 70% of my coffee dates I went on to date. Only about a third had no chemistry, and even most of those were nice guys as advertised.

My best friend on the other hand cannot pick 'em at all and never met a guy online that she liked in real life - just no ability to pick up what she needed to know from reading their profiles. Doesn't work for everybody.

And AIDS is growing most rapidly in the 55+ segment of the population in the US, because they don't use protection!

This is definitely a problem. Our generation grew up in the pre-AIDS era, some of these guys never had to use a condom before, and if you're 60 and going kinda soft anyway, they don't always function well in one. I always follow my younger girlfriend's advice - "No glove, no love!".

[GoatGal]

kml,

I'm glad to hear somebody around here is getting some action!

It's been way too long for me, that's for sure.

You probably do have a good sense for picking through the trash in search of treasures. It's great you found a number of people who were real additions to your life.

I think you're right that a lot of it depends on who is doing the picking.

If they're a bit screwy, they're going to pick screwy.
And now that I think about it, the women I know who have had the worst experiences aren't exactly the best pickers--multiple marriages and failed relationships; of course, now I'm in the "failed marriage" category myself!

On the other hand, I think if there is ever a next time for me, I will be looking for some red flags I obviously missed the first time around.

So if and when the time comes, I'll be a better "picker" too.


I might pick me a guy so handsome that women run around after him trying to get a better look!

How on earth do you deal with that? I think I'd just laugh every time it happened.

Nothing like coming out on top, eh?

What is it they say? "The best revenge is a life well-lived."
(With a hot boyfriend who is as loyal as a Labrador Retriever!!! My kind of guy!!)

Ain't it the truth?


---GGG

[kml]

I might pick me a guy so handsome that women run around after him trying to get a better look!

How on earth do you deal with that? I think I'd just laugh every time it happened.

Lol - my girlfriend - who is scared to have a boyfriend who is too handsome for just that reason - was very suspicious of him at first. (To tell the truth, I felt insulted - like she didn't think I was hot enough for him!!!).

But honestly, he's never given me any reason to suspect he's interested in anybody but me - and every reason to think he sees me with the sober equivalent of beer goggles all day long I'm his type and he's mine; and he's just a very loyal guy who values my good qualities.

And truthfully - after losing my ex of 26 years - if a guy I'm with wants to go be with another woman? My response today would be "Go! Good riddance!". I'm not the least bit interested in winning someone over who isn't sure they're into me.

[Shining]

I'm not the least bit interested in winning someone over who isn't sure they're into me.

Oooooohhhhh.... That's how I was feeling tonight while power walking. But I didn't have the words!!! That's it!

Thanks, kml! That one's going into my pocket.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack, GGG! I'm still giggly about the skinny dipping, though. GREAT story and visual

[BrightFuture]

My H is 50 and he signed up on 50+ dating site a couple of months ago. I guess the other site (Match) he signed up to last summer didn’t produce anything. He was looking for women in 38-50 age group. He was not even activated on that site, I guess he was just looking.

but he's as faithful and loyal as a Labrador retriever.

Haha, I would not say this about my lab – he would go with anyone who just mentions FOOD, LOL.

[daring]

GGG-
Your comment above about not being able to stand being alone I think is right on. He's probably grasping for anything to fill that void that he hasn't learned is filled by himself facing his issues.

My H's IC tells him ( and he has shared with me) that he should not try to have any new relationships right now as he will just try to " give everything" in the hopes of getting what he needs and have unhealthy, destructive relationships.
Surprisingly he appears to be listening thus far.

Maybe your H entering counseling will help him to see he at least has issues. Of course actually dealing with them is a whole other story. ...

Hope the upcoming talk is good.

[job]

GG,
I'm glad to come here and see it was the "Our Time" site. Some people tend to be not so honest on those sites and you have to be on your toes when reading and having discussions w/the posters.

Your h was probably lonely and not feeling so good about himself at the time he logged into the site. He probably wanted some ego stroking and he got it from the women on the site. Yes, they do try on different "masks" until they can find the right one for them at the time.

But enough about him. How are you really doing? What are your plans for the weekend? Are you taking care of yourself?

[GoatGal]

kml---- Hang onto that one. He sounds like a keeper!


Shining---Feel free to share some of your rays of light here anytime!

Bright---I love dogs--cats too--but you can't beat a dog for devotion. On the other hand, I do have a few who would leave me for anyone with a Cheez-Doodle!

daring---I know that GUBU doesn't like being "alone" alone.
He's never even lived alone, whereas I have.
He's good here with the animals and lots of things to keep him busy. He has a really hard time with just "being". He can't be still, is uncomfortable in his own skin.
That's gotten progressively worse over the years.
Now he's in constant motion.
To me observing, (forgetting who he is for a moment) I'd say there is a lot of anxiety there.
I've worked in the mental health field long enough to pick up on that.
And the depression, of course.
However you slice it, this is NOT someone who is happy and making good decisions about his future.

You can take me out of the equation---and I pretty much have--and SURPRISE!
His 'problems' have not been solved with that action.

You and I, and hopefully his therapist, can see that he's trying to fill that "Serotonin/endorphine/dopamine/oxytocin "HOLE" with distractions,
(OW, alcohol, porn, online flirting, constant motion, excitement of A, thrill-seeking/rush behavior, etc.)

It's not working for him and I do hope that one day he will finally do the work to deal with his problems.
For himself, not for me or for us.
If there is still an "us" at the end of that, that's just a bonus.

job---Yes. Enough about him! I do feel the need to respond to questions/statements about his behavior.
When I'm not on here I rarely think about him. At least this week.

That comes and goes with his behavior to some degree. But I find I'm less invested in the outcome and more interested in how I can handle (MANIPULATE!) things to go in the direction I want.

It's like trying out a new skill. I'm "practicing" on him; training and shaping his behavior, at least with me on a basic level.
----------------------------------------------------------------

But here's how I'm doing:

I started taking Trazedone to help with sleep and now that I'm up to 3/4 of the recommended dose, it's working VERY well for me. That's such a relief.

I only wake maybe, once a night, with some dog thing.
I still have vivid dreams, but not unpleasant ones.
I don't wake up feeling anxious and wanting to vomit.
(That was pretty much every day before this med. I would "remember" and it would all come flooding back.)
It has a general calming/antihistamine type effect, appears to improve my appetite, or has a carry-over effect of lessening any anxiety I might feel during the day.

I do feel a bit "dopey" in the morning, but it beats the heck out of feeling stressed and nauseous.

Although I don't like the idea of taking medications to "cope", I realized that at this time, it is a real benefit for me to do so.

I just feel calmer. More and better sleep helps with that as well. So it's good all around.
___________________________________________________________________________________

As for GAL plans, admit it!
You all want know what crazy stuff I'm getting up to this weekend, right?

Tonight I'm going to a "First Friday" Art Crawl in a nearby city.
There is a swing dance afterwards where I will meet up with friends until midnight or so.
I'm trying to find a friend or three to meet me for dinner beforehand and take advantage of some of the interesting restaurants near the dance venue.
GUBU plans to stay here as usual. On the couch.

Saturday I'm taking my kooky Chinese Crested/Beagle mix back to the SPCA where I got him. He has a fan club and the staff there really want to see him again.
This is something GUBU and I did together. I was just going to do it alone; he will see this since he'll be here.
If he seems interested I'll see if I feel like inviting him along, fully expecting him to say "No.". Either way is fine with me.
While I'm there I'm getting tickets for their fundraising event "Woof and Wine", held at a local winery. That's next weekend. Again, something GUBU and I would have done together, but I'm planning on either going alone or finding a friend. So I think I'll get two tickets and just consider the second to be a "donation" if I can't find someone to come along.
I am fine going to these things by myself, although this is an area where everyone will be asking about GUBU. I've just left it as "he's REALLY busy", and changed the subject.
I'll be bringing a dog, so I do have a "date"!

Saturday and Sunday we will probably be doing burials, cutting toenails. I'm just going to be "busy" running errands, etc. the details of which I will keep to myself.

This Saturday night I may have another "porch party" or find a local event to go to.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next week is also "Girls Night", a sleepover pajama party (I know, I know--it's FUN!)
at a new girlfriend's house. I met some great women there last time and this time around I've invited two new cool ladies I met and I do hope they come.


I've basically got plans for every weekend and quite a few weeknights.
Some are with friends, some with new groups, and some on my own but surrounded by people. Who I do interact with, because I'm a friendly sort.

I take myself out for lunch, go to art openings, shop organic at the farmer's market, try exotic foods at the various stands, and I have a new dance class next week with friends (intensive master's level for me).

I am doing another open mic next week (or following), plus I have the live blues jam on Thursdays if I'm up to it.
I'm singing with a live blues band at a dance at the end of the month too.
I'm getting a new bike helmet since not finding my old one is holding me back from riding at the moment.
I've contacted the local Hiking Club and may do that within the next few months. It's a more mature crowd, and it would be nice not the be the oldest for a change!

My best friend is talking about planning a trip to hike the Inca Trail next year, with guides, and camping, and about five other vibrant ladies.
I might be able to swing that--we shall see!

I've let people know I'm open for anything and the offers keep coming.
My heart and mind and soul are flung wide open...who knows what the future will bring?

And in all that, I didn't even think to mention that tomorrow would be my 23rd wedding anniversary.

Hardly a blip on my emotional radar.

That's interesting.

Have a great day, Y'all!

---GGG

[Maybell]

GGG I think you live near me. Your weekend sounds quite familiar.

[GoatGal]

Maybell---really????

Without it being TMI for stalkers---I'm going to Lancaster, PA.
I do not live there, however.

---GGG

[Wonka]

Next week is also "Girls Night", a sleepover pajama party (I know, I know--it's FUN!)
at a new girlfriend's house. I met some great women there last time and this time around I've invited two new cool ladies I met and I do hope they come.

Now that you've knocked off skinny dipping at 3:00 am off your bucket list....

Next is making prank calls during your Girls Night sleepover! Maybe make one to GUBU just for fun. Oh my! Pretty evil here??

[Lifes Twists]

Yup, I can hear the calls now,

"Do you have prince Albert in a can? You better let him out."

" Is your refrigerator running? You better go catch it."

[Maybell]

GGG, Lancaster is easy driving distance. Like, lunch date easy.

[job]

GG,
You might want to think about a new thread before this one locks. You're thread has exceeded the 100 posting limit.

Enjoy your weekend and be sure to find something to laugh about each and every day.