This weekend is going to be a "GUBU Intensive Lab Session". He'll be here all day Saturday, staying over Sat and Sun nights, leaving Monday some time.
During this time, he wants to "talk" about "the future" and what I "want". I have no idea what any of this means, but you all will be the first to know!
I have some great GAL plans myself and will try not to be around him much.
I am trying to be as prepared as possible, but at some point I'm going to have to "wing it" and reply on my general DBing practices.
I admit I am a little nervous about it, but I'm thinking of it like a performance. It's not real, just playing a part.
"Lights, camera, ACTION!"
GGG: "Line?.... Line?... Please?"
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
During this time, he wants to "talk" about "the future" and what I "want". I have no idea what any of this means, but you all will be the first to know!
Really only two options: 1) he wants to talk about reconciling (unlikely, but weirder stuff has happened), or
2) He wants to make progress on the divorce (more likely, since he has filed and you have been living apart for some time now).
Assuming the conversation turns out to be about #2, some recommendations for you:
A) Don't appear to be dragging your feet! Just kicking screaming or shutting down saying "I don't want to talk about this" will not delay the inevitable, and won't help you in your negotiations. Instead, try the Aikido trick - go WITH his body weight to unbalance him. "Oh, really, H you want to talk about dividing the property? Well, I was thinking you would move back here, buy me out of the farm, pay me X amount of alimony, and I would move to an apartment in the big city where I could play at more music gigs and start my fabulous new life".
B) If you haven't seen an attorney yet, do NOT agree to anything. Just take his suggestions and say "I'll have to run that idea by my attorney"
C) Stick to business, stay out of any emotional, blaming, spewing whatever. If he spews, then say "We'll have to discuss this later when you can stick to business and be more polite"
D) If he makes you an offer - no matter how ridiculous or far from what you think is fair - just take notes, clarify what he means, and then tell him you'll have to discuss it with your attorney.
Well, kml, I hope you're wrong but it's good to be prepared.
I don't see a real benefit for him pushing through a divorce at this time. He's an emotional mess, hates to be alone...not thinking clearly. Not that that stops them.
I know that mature women who have their act together are not going to get into a relationship with him until he's divorced...and then some.
Of course, him not being divorced yet is hardly the only thing running them off at the moment!
When I kicked him out the day he served me (he wanted to stay), I said: "Get HELP or GET OUT."
Well, now he's getting help. Hopefully it's not the "just get rid of your wife, close that chapter, ignore everything that's clearly an issue, and try your luck with other women." type of help.
Could happen though. I've heard some stories on this board. Just today, in fact!
I like the idea of taking him off balance by going in HIS direction.
I have already told him my "plans" as they are, several times. He knows what I want--in a settlement, in a partner, for my life. I don't think he's forgotten.
I told him I was going to take all the time the law allowed to get centered, look around at where I might want to go. He remembers this too, I'm certain. I just said it last week.
(Or I might want to stay right here with a roommate, either way, I'm not doing ANYTHING until I HAVE TO.)
I have already agreed that if he wanted to divorce, I wasn't going to try and stop him. I don't want or need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love and value me. I do not want to be with him unless he works on his issues, learns to cope better and be the kind of partner I deserve. He knows this as well.
Right now I'm in no condition to even THINK about moving three states away, packing my stuff, rehoming my animals...going through the divorce itself.
I have clearly stated this several times, and I KNOW he heard me. -----------------------------------------------------------
At this time in my journey, I'm just trying to get back on my feet while GUBU is doing the Voodoo Death Dance all around the house...
It's all I can do to sleep and eat properly, GAL and keep my head and heart straight. Packing, and doing yard sales, and moving my studio are out of the question at this time.
He can't push a divorce through until Feb 2016, so I have time. It's going fast, though.
Just because HE might want to speed things up, it's not MY problem.
My response will be:
"I don't believe divorce is the only solution, but I will not stop you. However, I will not help you either."
It will be upon HIM to finish the process at that date if that's what he wants.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting tight, as is MY RIGHT in this state.
BOOM!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Right now I'm in no condition to even THINK about moving three states away, packing my stuff, rehoming my animals...going through the divorce itself.
I have clearly stated this several times, and I KNOW he heard me. -----------------------------------------------------------
At this time in my journey, I'm just trying to get back on my feet while GUBU is doing the Voodoo Death Dance all around the house...
Okay - reality slap - he served you with divorce papers 6 months ago! Even though it can't be finalized for another 6 months, you NEED to be working on it! Get an attorney, figure out your demands,PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND. This is a financial issue, just business, keep it separate from your emotional part of the relationship. But just sitting there say to him "I'm going to drag my feet as long as I possibly can" is NOT going to benefit you in the long run. Better to give him at least the APPEARANCE of cooperating (you can always drag out the steps between now and next Feb without LOOKING like it's on purpose). Until you drop the rope he'll just be engaged in a struggle against you to get "free". Once you start working on the divorce there's a greater likelihood the reality will slap him in the face.
I have an attorney, have had since OW discovery last year.
My L advised me that if I want to stay put, that's my choice. That I can choose to do nothing at all.
After two years, GUBU will have to prove we've lived "separate and apart" before he can divorce me. So it's actually 18 months from now that he can finalize it.
If it were in six months, I'd be way on top of it, trust me! I decided that I was going to give myself until my birthday 2/15, to start making some hard decisions. That will be one year since I was served.
This year has been devoted to healing, looking around at my options, making connections, soul-searching, working on myself, looking for employment, and deciding what I want to do. ----------------------------------------------------
However, I see your point. This can look like resistance to GUBU and cause him to push harder.
So---I can make it appear as though I'm willing to move this along.
I can fake it. I can call my lawyer. I can give him a list of my "demands".
Call his bluff--if it is a bluff.
In any case, I sense that this "talk" is designed to get ME to put all MY cards on the table, while he plays his close to the vest.
That ain't happening, that's for sure!
Thanks again, kml, it's sound advice and I will keep it in my brain with the rest of the script!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Part of the above ^^^ was me taking control of my life, and not allowing his craziness to force me to make major life decisions I was in no condition to make.
The "experts" say to make no major changes for at least a year after a major trauma/life-altering event.
And I agree.
He can want what he wants, on whatever timeline he wants, but I will not be pushed into any action which is not in my best interest.
My health and well-being are the most important thing to me. Much more important than GUBU and my relationship with him.
Saving my marriage is important, but not at the expense of myself.
Does that make sense? --------------------------------------------------------------
That said, after a few false starts, I have consistently supported his decision to divorce. I don't want to be married to a man who behaves this way.
I wrote a letter, stating that it was probably for the best, but that I would take the two years to do exactly what I said about making decisions and getting grounded. I followed this up with verbal support for his decision many times.
He seemed to understand that then, and has never pushed to finalize it. There are many things he might have done that would have pretty much forced me to speed it up, but he has very pointedly not done those things.
He hasn't even gotten his own place. He's still waiting...for something. (It can't be because he thinks I'll be moving out soon, because he knows better.)
But this is all conjecture. For all I know, he's decided "it's time" and now he's going to apply the screws to me after all!
It's been a year since he's been in any kind of R (that's with OW, I can't count our M). Maybe he's feeling the pinch and wants to move ahead. I know he's lonely. That's a FACT.
I guess we'll find out what the "talk" will be about.
The last time I got my knickers in a twist he just wanted to see how I was.
Now I see that was a false start. He had an agenda, but chickened out I guess. Now he's at it again.
Can't wait!!!!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Ellie (aka kml) makes very valid points on the other side of the equation: divorce from GUBU's perspective. I agree to a point.
I just don't think that you have to bend backwards just to be cooperative if a divorce isn't what you want and GUBU seems to be lukewarm to the idea (his actions has shown this thus far). Let him do the paperwork and present you with a plan/offer. Then sic your lawyer on him with your needs and wishes as it will become a business negotiation.
If...a big IF....GUBU repeats his request for a divorce and wants to proceed ahead with it, then I you can say "I am sorry to hear this. You know this isn't what I want, but will not stand in your way or do your legwork. You will need to work with my lawyer on this."
Or it could be other reasons for 'the talk'.
1) Concern about your health as you've had some rapid weight loss
2) Discussion about taking care of the animals that have been a drain on your time and energy
Wow, GGG, I like your state, a lot! In mine all one spouse has to do is say "I want a D" and wait 60 DAYS! I love that it takes 2 years in your state. If only one person wants a D AND there are no "grounds" (like adultery), there is NOTHING that can be done to stop it. My W certainly has no "grounds", that's for sure and I would like to delay if only for our D14's sake but I have no way except to fight the "terms" and once my W's lawyer says he'll accept it's over. If it's not accepted, it goes to court and that doesn't take long at all.
Just be cool, you have all the advantages in your sitch. Get some sleep, be ready and at your best. You can handle GUBU and his crap, no worries.
Matt- 20 days in my state. It just has to be "irretrievably broken" for 6 months, which you really don't have to prove. They said separated for 6 months is proof, but xh filed after 4.5 months.
