Amoeba Whisperer: "Stay in your OWN Petrie Dish!"

[GoatGal]

Here's an update: HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT "THE FUTURE" but he's being awful nasty about it!

GUBU very pointedly didn't let me know if/when he was coming this evening, he just showed up.
(Trying to push my buttons, arriving unannounced. It's an invasion of my privacy and he knows it. So I stayed inside and ignored him.)

After a few text exchanges, he starts going into how he wants to know EXACTLY what my hours will be this weekend, how late will I be.

Because he wants to STAY here but has made it clear that he doesn't want ME to be here, for whatever reason.

He only is "willing to stay" if I'll be home "LATE".
My plans are not that specific where I can give him an exact hour and frankly, I'm sick of feeling like I have some obligation to be out of the house.
Either he is willing to have some contact with me because I LIVE HERE, or NOT.
That's up to him.

He treats me like I'm poisonous or something.
It's wearing a little thin, like if I just died all his problems would be solved.

I say, very brightly "Well, sheesh, not till the crack of dawn or anything. "

H: "Be clear. How late each night'

H: "Just trying to plan my time"

(I didn't even have a chance to respond!)

Then, H: "Monday...we need to talk... Goodnight" (It's 7:30)

I called him then, just because I thought it easier than texting when we get mixed signals.
I have a sore throat, and I croaked my way through the voicemail I left him.

I just said that I "didn't want to get our signals crossed through texting, was curious about what he wanted to discuss, and I wasn't deliberately being vague about my plans, I really didn't know. And in the past this has been a problem when we weren't on the same page...."

He texts back: "Not trying to be a chit...no talking tonight...we have time"

Time? Time for WHAT? Is he about to get kicked out of his free housing?
Let me guess---there has got to be something HE WANTS. This is a given.

Me: " Sure, I have no voice anyway "

Me: "It will be helpful to know ahead of time what you want to discuss so I can give it my full attention.
"And we can bury Eleanor (our last dog to go) on Sat/Sun"
(He'd wanted to do it this weekend.)

I get THIS RESPONSE:

HIM: " Yes you do (have a voice) and I have not tried in any way to screw you over."
" When could I have? So dump the victim crap."

(OUCH!!! We both know, he's the REAL VICTIM, right???

Him: "Here is an idea...what do you want? Goodnight."

Now what am I supposed to make of THAT ^^^????

What do I want?
In life?
In his divorce settlement?
From HIM personally?
For extra help with chores?

Mr. Vague-Don't-Want-To-Be Pinned-Down-On-Anything....
Who knows????

Me: (COOL AS A CUCUMBER) " I meant, no 'speaking' voice. I sound like a frog on the voicemail I left you. Maybe you didn't listen to it"

I didn't bite.... I drank from the STFU bottle, and had a big old piece of CTHD.

(Calm The Hell Down)


Him: "OK....be safe...tomorrow..." (Clearly now a bit cowed.)
(Vague as usual. "tomorrow..." what, exactly? Whatever.)
--------------------------------------------

To be clear, I have not seen or spoken to him in person in more than a week, maybe a few words on the phone.

I haven't gone out of my way to see him--why should I?

He's here for 30 minutes or so, I'm not going to chase him around the property to say "Hi!" just so he can feel like he's got me on a string.

He didn't stay to see me when I came home from my trip, he hasn't sought me out, so, WTF?

He knows where to find me.
He can ASK me to come out and say "Hi."
He doesn't, for whatever reason.

Oh well!

No doubt he's mad.... about whatever he gets mad about.

"What do you want?"
Hmmm..... Talk about the million dollar question.

Well, first of all, I want not to have any more contact with the "Cut the Victim Crap" Guy!

H: " Sorry for the sloppy texts, driving, but I want to talk about the future. I thought you would know that."


I will tell him I am not willing to discuss speeding up his divorce, or moving out. Anything other than that, I will be willing to talk about.

I have not said that to him--yet.

Thought you all would enjoy this little bit of MLC banter!

Have a wonderful evening!

Your Pal, the Triple G Gumby Goat Gal!

---GGG

[GoatGal]

NEED SOME HELP, GUYS!

I sent back:

ME: "I don't 'know' anything anymore."

And I'm thinking about this:

"And you don't need to ask what I 'want'."


"You have always known."
I've said a bunch of times what I wanted from him when we were having R talks.
He knows.
I think he wants me to offer--and he is CLEARLY NOT READY!

Or he wants to start making changes to move his divorce forward/or ask me to move out/plan for our eventual divorce?

"You are still my husband."

"If that's not what you want, it's your choice to make."

"But please don't ask for my help in changing that."


Thoughts??? This really puts me out there to be shot down. But it does open a door. I can shut the door on D talk. There is NOTHING HE CAN DO TO ME but cut me off financially, or try to strong-arm me into working on getting the house ready to sell... whatever. I don't have to do any of that, and I won't until at the earliest--next summer!


---GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

It is clear that H's all over the map with his thoughts, feelings, and words. Whatever he's going through is clearly making him frustrated and it is coming out of every orifice in his body. Also see a lot of projection there as well.

Good job on not falling for his crap.

Now when you have the talk about the future, I suggest that you throw out some real hard truth darts at H about the double-standard of him coming and going as he pleases while demanding to know your "hours."

What about him??! He is not your boss and cannot treat you like that any more. He cannot control when you want to come home. It is your boundary.

I find it ironic that he doesn't want to be AROUND you when you are in the house because he is not comfortable on certain days/times. It is not like he has to put on a hazmat suit to enter the house..ya know!

Fer cryin' out loud...it should be YOU who needs to put on the hazmat suit!

[Ss06]

I think it's GREAT how you handled the "no voice" misunderstanding on his end. Way to stay calm and explain his misunderstanding simply and directly with no "you idiot" implied (though secretly maybe it was. LOL).

On the other hand, I wonder what would happen if you just listened. He wants to talk about the future. Take the win. Sit and listen to it. Validate. Listen more. You two are involved in a dance of this back and forth stuff and it's NOT WORKING. Are you willing to do something different? What?

I'm sorry about Eleanor.

Keep your head up. You know your strength and grace and that is a GREAT thing, GGG!

[GoatGal]

Wonka, you are SO RIGHT!

But I'm not sure how to proceed.


He may be trying to feel me out---

I doubt he means "WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A DIVORCE SETTLEMENT."

That's a bit premature.

As is any talk about "the future".

There IS no future with a guy who says to his wife after all he's done:
"CUT THE VICTIM CRAP"

I've heard that one before, btw.

It was right before he said: "I've given you EVERYTHING!!!!!"


I think it's a loaded question.

Probably he wants something, he wants me to pursue, to invite him to come home, even into the basement, with no strings attached.

Maybe his freeloading ride at his friend's house is done.
It's been six months.
Sounds about right.

Even she must have SOME limits.
----------------------------------------

But this man is clearly not ready to have a conversation, much less move back home!

I think he is VERY AFRAID and wants me to make the first move, to reassure him.
But that puts me in a bad position, to do anything more than suggest he might get his act together someday, maybe.

But certainly being nasty to me is not really getting him any traction...
--------------------------------------

He has been really angry on and off lately.

I still don't see any real insight, no real kindness, except on rare occasions.

It if were ME that wanted to talk about the "future", I'd be much nicer.

And he knows full well I'm not going to discuss or help him divorce me. Or move.

I really don't even need to mention that.
I've made it clear on many occasions.

That when he could divorce me based on state laws, that he could if he wanted to and I couldn't stop him.

He knows this hasn't changed.

And sorry, but three therapy appointments hasn't cured him, obviously!

He probably is getting kicked out.

That's my Crystal Ball prediction.

He sure as heck ain't acting like he wants to be my boyfriend or anything.


I'm wondering if I should just keep doing what I'm doing.

It's clearly driving him batty!!!

---GGG

[GoatGal]

Thanks, SS,

I think that's a very wise tactic to take.

I think, knowing him, that he will try and force me into taking the lead and opening myself up--he will not be vulnerable.

After all, he didn't offer up anything but "the future" and "what do YOU want?"

He won't say what HE wants. Then he might not get it.
(I wonder if his therapist suggested this. It's actually very odd at the moment.)

But honestly, I don't want to talk about anything heavy with him.

He's a MESS.
It could go very wrong even if I do everything right.

But listen, validate... I can do that.

And agree to do nothing except think about whatever is said.

Thanks!

---GGG

[Ss06]

I will never understand why so many men see vulnerability and weakness as synonymous. What is THAT about?

[GoatGal]

Ss06,

I wish we knew. We'd be rich!



--GGG

[Wonka]

Validation: Cheat Sheet

[GoatGal]

Ahhhh....Wonka's HANDY DANDY VALIDATION CHEAT SHEET!


(How I wish I had a working printer. But it will be good practice to copy it all out by hand tomorrow!)


I think I'll open with: "Why don't you tell me what's on your mind? I'm willing to listen..."

And if he's vague, as always: "You know I'm not great at reading between the lines. Could you spell it out for me/provide an example/give more detail?"


And NOT answer that "what do you want?" question!
Yikes.
Not out of the blue like that.
That's a real can of worms.

In the past he's asked, I've told him, and he's said: "Well, you're not going to get it."
(And not that nicely, either.)


And I will not offer much on my end, except to send out a few well-timed "Truth Darts" as suggested, let him know the door might be open if he does the work.

Then if he starts pushing for something I don't want, I'll validate, thank him for talking with me and sharing his feelings and thoughts, and say we can talk more another time.

But I will not agree to anything that is not in MY best interests.


---GGG